Chapter Forty-Two
She’s gone from the doorway before we can say anything.
I cower further into Toni’s bed as we listen to Celeste stomp furiously down the stairs. Shit, shit, shit. I search for a way to fix things. And then I stop myself.
Why is she so angry? Because Toni wants to break up with Shawn? And I encouraged that? Something in me snaps. I’ve had enough.
She has no right to tell us who we can or can’t date. She has no right to scare Toni into staying in a rubbish relationship with an idiot. How dare she? She can’t control us anymore. We’re adults.
I turn to Toni, ‘Don’t let that reaction get to you, Tone. You’re making the right decision.’ I fix her with a deathly, determined stare. ‘Dump Shawn,’ I say sternly. ‘Today. Immediately. And don’t be swayed when he tries to talk you out of it. You said it yourself, he doesn’t listen, so make him listen. Be happy again, be single.’
Quaking a little, she nods. Then, like she’s taking herself in hand, she stops looking frightened, adopting my same determined expression, and nods again much more convincingly.
I kiss her on the cheek. ‘I’m going to confront our mother,’ I tell her, feeling a thrill in my stomach of terror, excitement and – a new one – bravery.
‘Good luck,’ she whispers in awe.
I follow Celeste down the stairs, stomping down each step in much the same overly loud, angry way.
I find her in the kitchen, slamming things out of the dishwasher in a fury.
‘What was that?’ I demand, voice loud and strong.
She spins around, zeroing her terrifying laser eyes on me. ‘You’ve told her to dump Shawn!’ she half yells, waving her hand in the direction of the stairs. ‘This is her chance for real happiness and you’re sabotaging it! You know she listens to you – she looks up to you, she always has – and you’re encouraging her to make the biggest mistake of her life!’ She pauses angrily. ‘Why can’t you let her be happy?’
The snap I felt upstairs goes again, but this time it’s more like a large break. I am livid. I want happiness for my sister and everyone I love more than anything. How dare she say I’m trying to hurt Toni!
‘How can you say that?’ I shout and she looks winded. I’ve never shouted at my mother before. I’ve never done much more than minimal sulking around her. ‘I love Toni and I’m trying to make sure she’s happy. That moron Shawn isn’t making her happy – he was never going to make her happy.’
‘She’ll be much happier with him than on her own,’ Celeste yells back. ‘Look at you! You’re miserable single! And you’ve sabotaged your chance to get back with Daniel after everything I did to help—’ She stops, looking caught out.
I screw up my face, breathing hard. ‘What did you do?’
‘I just got an obstacle out of the way,’ she says almost nonchalantly.
My confusion wins over my fury. ‘What obstacle – what are you talking about?’
‘Zach,’ she shrugs. ‘After Toni told me about the note, I realized that’s what was stopping you reuniting with Daniel and being happy. So I let him go.’ She continues breezily. ‘It was a shame because he was bringing in a lot of custom and everyone seemed very pleased. But we can get someone else when everything with the expansion settles down.’
I feel white-hot spikes of rage needling me. She’s been manipulating me? Messing with Zach’s career?
‘You sacked Zach because of me?’ My voice is even but the fury is evident because Celeste almost looks a little afraid.
‘It was for your own good, darling,’ she swallows. ‘It was clear Daniel wanted to make a go of it after he turned up here out of the blue, and then showing up at Toni’s Christmas party like that! You just needed that push – you needed me to clear the path of weeds for you. And if you weren’t so obstinate, you’d be back together by now, with your life back on track.’
There is so much wrong with this, I don’t know where to start.
‘I was never getting back with Daniel!’ I explode. ‘And you had no right doing that to Zach! How dare you interfere with my life like this? How DARE you?’ I try to calm down and then think better of it. ‘For the record, Celeste, Daniel didn’t want to get back with me, I didn’t want to get back with him, and Zach was – is – my friend. That’s all there is to it. And I am happy on my own. Yes, it took me a while because break-ups are hard, but I like being single. These last few months have been great – I like discovering who I am and being my own person. And Toni will, too.’ I inhale a big raggedy breath. ‘But you don’t really care about our happiness, do you, Celeste? As long as we’re going along with what you want us to do. As long as you can control us both. All you want is for us both to fit into your definition of happy!’ I am steaming. I can’t remember ever being this angry. ‘We’re both grown-ups and yes, we’re living in your house, but that doesn’t mean you get to make decisions for us or that you get to know every single thing about our lives. You don’t get to control us!’ I run out of things to shout, breathing hard.
Celeste says nothing, too stunned to reply.
After a moment, her shoulders slump and she pulls out a chair to sit at the table.
I remain standing, panting as the anger drains out of me. Eventually I sit down beside her. I am surprised to find that I don’t feel guilty. I’m glad I said all of that.
After a few minutes, she speaks, in a quiet voice. ‘You’re right,’ she acknowledges. ‘I know I’m too overbearing and controlling sometimes. Diane used to say the same thing.’ She falters, trying to keep a lid on her emotions. ‘I’m just so… lonely and I don’t want that for you two. I don’t want you to be on your own and frightened like I am. I lash out, I know, but it’s because I want the best possible lives for you.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘I did the wrong thing with Zach. And I’ve done the wrong thing by you both.’ She smiles a wobbly, watery smile at me. ‘I’m glad you’re stronger than me.’
I nod, understanding. ‘Have you ever thought about maybe… talking to someone?’ I suggest and she barks out a laugh.
‘Oh darling, I work in showbiz – I’ve been in therapy for years.’ She pauses, taking my question more seriously. ‘To be honest, I’ve been thinking about maybe finding someone else. This woman I see is a celebrity therapist, she sees everyone.’ She winks and there is a little more of the Celeste I know. ‘And I mean everyone. I think I worry too much about what she thinks of me. I want her to like me, to be impressed by me, so I don’t end up telling her things I know I should.’
‘Hmm,’ I grimace. ‘That doesn’t sound like the most effective form of therapy really.’
‘No,’ she concedes. ‘I will ask my PA to get a list of other options together. A few who don’t specialize in stars but in actual mental health.’
I laugh humourlessly. ‘Good idea.’
She smiles again weakly, sniffly and shiny-cheeked from threatening tears, but they don’t come yet. ‘Do you forgive me?’
I open my mouth to say yes, but pull myself back. I’m not letting people off the hook anymore. ‘It’s not as easy as that, Mum,’ I tell her carefully. ‘I need to see a change. I need you to stop trying to control us or manipulate us. We’re grown-ups and need to make our own choices without being undermined by what you’ve decided is better for us. I love you, but I need you to try and be better.’
She takes a deep breath, looking determined. ‘OK.’ She regards me now, her expression softening. ‘You are a grown-up,’ she says now. ‘And I’m really proud of you. You’re such a smart, capable, beautiful woman.’ She pauses. ‘And you have strength, which I’m so glad about. I wasn’t sure.’
I breathe in her compliments, my chest filling with pride. I do feel stronger. I feel like I’m making decisions for myself, instead of for others. I’ve been putting myself first and standing up for myself when it’s required.
‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ she says quietly.
I cock my head. ‘Upstairs?’ I ask and she shakes her head.
‘I mean earlier, in the store. When you asked again about the engagement concierge role.’ She looks intensely vulnerable as she continues, ‘I got insecure, I think. You are so brilliant and clever—’
‘I’m not clever,’ I interrupt automatically and she regards me askance.
‘Of course you are!’ She sounds like she means it. ‘Darling, you’re so clever. And you have all this emotional intelligence, which is far harder to come by than book smarts. You can read people and help people. Your empathy could fill a swimming pool.’
My eyes dampen. ‘Thank you,’ I whisper.
‘Anyway,’ she says, dabbing at her own eyes, ‘I definitely think we should launch the store’s very first engagement concierge. I spoke to my publicist on the way over here and she loved it. She’s putting together a press release right now.’
I stand up. ‘You’re serious?’
She nods. ‘Of course. It will actually be a great distraction from that godawful Love Island range.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘What was I thinking? Another area where I should’ve listened to you.’ She sighs. ‘Anyway, let’s try the engagement concierge concept, which, by the way’ – she winks at me – ‘comes with a pay rise, of course!’ We grin at each other across the kitchen table. ‘I’m also going to speak to Zach and say sorry. See if he’ll come back to work with us. You were a good team. We’ll try it all,’ she says. ‘And I will try.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I say softly and reach for her hand. We stay there for another minute, holding hands and smiling at one another.