Chapter Four
Unfortunately, they hadn’t been allowed to sneak away before the house roused for the day. They had been forced to join the family in the garden for brunch, which was really just crepes and mimosas. So many mimosas. From there, Banks had to take care of a few things, leaving Kyson alone with Tabitha. That would have been perfect, except Beau was there… with his live-in whore, Adan.
Adan was beautiful, and he knew it. Kyson hated his stupid face. What kind of man moved in with a married man and flaunted their affair in his wife’s face? A little bitch, that’s who. Kyson always fought the urge to punch him. Instead, he donned himself in shy armor, hoping it kept Adan at arm’s length.
Kyson sat at the table with Tabitha. His chair sat barely an inch from hers. With their shoulders touching, Kyson held her hand beneath the table. Beau drew hopscotch on the nearby tennis court for Adan. Adan smiled and laughed as he hopped through each square.
Tabitha lifted her glass to her lips. “I hate him.”
“Which one?” Kyson was genuinely curious who she blamed for this hell she endured.
“Both of them.”
Since she started the conversation, Kyson dove in with both feet. “Why don’t you leave? You’re so incredibly beautiful. Anyone would be lucky to have you and would treat you like a queen.”
A sad smile passed over her lips. “There’s only one way to leave this family.” Her gaze slid Kyson’s way. “You know that goes for you as well, right?”
Kyson nodded. His eyes were wide open. He no longer cared about the cost. He had paid a higher price for less.
Tabitha patted his hand. “Good. Banks is pretty well split between his father and me. Unfortunately, I think he got the worst of both of us. All my addictions with his father’s terrifying temper.”
“He got love from somewhere too.” Kyson didn’t have to think about it. The words simply fell from his lips. “He has so much amazingly beautiful love inside him. I think he has more of you than you realize.”
Tabitha’s eyes filled with tears. She turned her head, blinking rapidly while watching her husband give everything to someone else. Kyson had never felt so much rage on someone else’s behalf. He wished with everything he had he could save her. As always, Kyson was completely helpless. He couldn’t make anything better.
Banks appeared at his side, with Kyson’s backpack slung over his shoulder. “Are you ready?”
Kyson looked Tabitha’s way. He would stay if she needed him.
She patted his hand again. “It was good to see you, sweetie. Go enjoy your day.”
He hugged her.
She chuckled, but hugged him back.
Banks kissed her cheek. “Thank you for brunch.” His gaze moved toward where his dad and Adan played. A muscle flexed in his jaw. Kyson knew he bit back all the words. He met Tabitha’s stare again. “Would you like to come home with me? You can hang out with Kyson, and Shane hasn’t seen you in a while.”
A sad smile passed over her lips. “Thank you, but you know I can’t.”
The muscle in Banks’ jaw worked double time.
She squeezed his hand. “Go. Be young.”
Kyson’s throat swelled. She was young too. Tabitha deserved better than this. Kyson had no clue how Banks withstood the rage. The fury inside Kyson was massive, and he had only known Tabitha for six months. How had Banks stood this for years? He forced himself to stand and kiss her cheek. Kyson couldn’t make her leave any more than he could have escaped Jack without Banks. As Tabitha had said, sometimes, there was only one way out.
“Call me if you need me.”
She smiled. “Of course.”
Banks took his hand and led him to the car. Kyson tried not to cry the whole way home. It was obvious how well Banks knew him. He didn’t talk, leaving Kyson to hang on to his dignity. If he opened his mouth, the anger and tears of frustration would flow. He understood Banks better each time they saw his parents. Kyson kind of wanted to get high and stay that way. The alternative was to kill Beau and Adan. Since that was impossible, then what? Nothing. Helplessness. He wanted to smash some shit.
Kyson walked through the club, seeing nothing. Banks let him inside their home. Kyson headed for his bedroom with his backpack squeezed against his chest. He needed to unpack. As he dumped everything on the bed, Shane appeared in the doorway. Kyson bit back the urge to scream. He couldn’t deal with Shane right now.
“I need to apologize to you.”
Kyson hadn’t expected that. He didn’t know what to say.
Shane kept going. “I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you the other night. You didn’t deserve it.”
The fight bled from Kyson. Frustration was something Kyson understood all too well. He imagined Shane felt the same way watching Banks kill himself as Kyson did watching Tabitha. “I understand. You don’t want me enabling him.”
Shane swiped a hand over his eyes. “I don’t know that it’s even that. It’s just—”
“You feel helpless,” Kyson finished for him. “You’re watching him kill himself and there’s nothing you can do. Part of you wonders if he’s even wrong for it.”
Shane gave him a sharp nod.
Kyson sat on the edge of his bed and held Shane’s stare. “You’re not wrong to feel all those things. While I feel the same way, I’m also determined to love him no matter what every step of the way, because you know what? No one else has, and that’s a huge part of the problem.” Kyson shoved his clasped hands between his knees so Shane wouldn’t see the way they shook. While this wasn’t exactly a confrontation, Kyson had stopped being able to have conversations like this a long time ago. He had been beaten into submission and fear. This was too important, though. “He’s used to being everyone’s disappointment. There’s no reason for him to fight. Everyone is just waiting for the day he turns up dead, so why should he bother? He should care because I’m here waiting. I love him and I need him to come home. If he doesn’t wake up tomorrow, it’ll kill me. Banks needs someone to feel that way. Since life has already stripped everything from me, I’m the perfect person for the job. I have nothing to lose except him. So I don’t really give a fuck if you judge me for it.”
A smile exploded across Shane’s face. “You’re pretty tough for a Little.”
Pain sliced through Kyson. He shook his head. “I wear the clothes, play with the toys, and go through the motions. But I don’t find comfort in being a Little anymore and I don’t know if I ever will again. Everything inside me is just defeated.”
With his shoulder leaned against the doorframe and his arms crossed over his chest, Shane stared at Kyson like he saw him. It was exposing, yet oddly freeing. Shane straightened. “Well, it seems you’re more perfect for Banks than even you know. I’m glad he has you.”
A weak smile pulled at Kyson’s lips. It had been nerve-wracking, but he was glad they had this conversation. He hated walking on eggshells. Maybe he hadn’t solved anything inside himself, but he still felt better. Now he wanted Banks to hold him. He was a mental mess.
Banks leaned against the wall inside his bedroom, just out of sight. He listened to every word. His chest hurt. He honestly didn’t know how to feel. Nothing was said Banks didn’t know in his heart, but still. It demolished him to hear aloud how much damage Jack had done. He felt such a mixture of pride in Kyson’s strength and heartbreak for knowing how deeply Banks always hurt everyone who loved him. But he heard how much Kyson loved him and couldn’t doubt him. There was too much power behind the way his voice shook. Banks couldn’t lose him the way he had everyone else. He equally couldn’t handle his emotions today. Banks fought the urge to trash the house and find every loose pill. He wanted to tear off his skin.
His hands shook as he tapped a laced cigar from its packaging. It was the tamest drug he used. Banks just needed to take the edge off and forget the way Kyson had stared at his mother with so much pain. He knew that look. It matched how he always felt: fucking helpless. He was completely fucking useless in the face of every single sin of his father’s making. Banks was just like his mom. When he saw the way she never left the house, or stayed sober even for a second, he saw his future and he hated it. Banks just didn’t know how to avoid that outcome.
He lit up and inhaled.
Kyson appeared in the doorway.
Banks almost snuffed out the cigar immediately in guilt, except Kyson smiled like his whole day brightened because he set eyes on Banks. He snuffed out the cigar because he wanted both hands free for his baby.
“Come here.” He lifted Kyson from his feet and headed for bed. “I think you need to be cuddled.”
Kyson held his stare, looking sweet and innocent. “I really do.”
God, he was so in love with this man. He was everything Banks needed. Maybe he stood no chance of not being an addict, but he still felt more human with Kyson around. Kyson was the only thing he wanted more than the drugs. That was saying more than even Kyson knew. He had given up a long time ago. Now there was a spark inside him Kyson fanned every day. The moment he had Kyson settled in his arms, Banks could breathe. There was no pressure sitting on his chest. The weight of the world disappeared.
He kissed Kyson’s temple. “You are my whole world. You know that, right?”
He swore he heard Kyson smile. “Same.”
Banks held him tighter. People claimed love wasn’t enough to save anyone. Banks disagreed. Kyson was the only thing saving him. Without him, there was nothing but an early grave. Whatever it took, he would be the perfect daddy. Kyson deserved the best.