Delirium (Captive Love: Forced Proximity Standalones #4)

Chapter 20

Chapter

Twenty

NASH

T he walk back to the Carpe Diem was as silent as the ghost town had been. I had dozens of words spinning around in my head, the main ones being “what the fuck?” I just couldn’t bring myself to utter them out loud.

I wanted to go to bed. Pretend today never existed. I didn’t want to acknowledge the weird city James had bribed me into finding.

I didn’t want to think of the implications of us going there.

There were always consequences, weren’t there? Even with actions we didn’t have a choice to make. Difference was, I chose to let James’ money sway me. I chose to lead them through the rainforest. I chose to explore what was essentially a graveyard, perfectly preserved in time.

Choices like that didn’t come without consequences.

I’d experienced a ton of weird shit in the time I’d lived in the rainforest. Weird people. Weirder situations. Things you couldn’t quite explain. Things you saw out of the corner of your eye, or noises you heard from the ship deck at night when you should’ve been asleep.

What I told Scarlett was true. I hadn’t been superstitious until I moved here. But being here, where life operated around a whole different set of rules than modern society, changed the ballgame.

Once everyone was safely back on board the boat, I pulled up the gangplank and faced everyone. “Right. Ten minutes to get yourselves right. We’ll regroup in the dining hall and decide what to do from here.”

“What to do from here?” Camp snapped, wide-eyed. “I’m pretty sure there’s only one option. Get the hell away from that creepy ass place, and back to civilization.”

“Look,” I held my hands up, waving them around. “I don’t like it any more than you do. If it were up to me, we’d be halfway down the river by now. But unfortunately, people are missing. Quite a few of them, by the looks of it. And you and I aren’t the only people on board, either. We’ll make the decision as a group, just like everything else. Isn’t that the same courtesy we lent to you?”

“We don’t even know where to start looking for them, or if they even want to be found.”

Scarlett rolled her eyes, the first I’d seen her look annoyed with Camp. “Be honest with yourself. Did that really look like the campsite of a bunch of people who decided to run away willingly?”

Camp crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Well, I’m not sure, having never been in that situation myself.”

“Oh, sure.” James laughed. “Now you’re a hero. Sure.”

I had approximately thirty more seconds before everyone imploded right in front of me, which was not what we needed. “Stop!”

The three of them froze, looking up at me. I knew they weren’t feeling annoyance and resentment toward each other, but sometimes fear didn’t know how else to express itself.

I was afraid, too. But I had brought them here.

It was my responsibility to get them out.

“Ten minutes. Go dump your gear, splash your face with cold water, drink something, I don’t care. I’ll see you all in the dining hall in ten. Got it?”

One by one, they nodded, stalking off in the directions of their respective cabins.

I sighed, dropping my bag to the deck. Fuck . I should’ve known when James showed up in my inbox nothing good could come of it. Nothing good ever came of the two of us together.

Scarlett, though. Scarlett was here, on my boat, because of my choice to run this last-minute trip. I couldn’t find it in myself to be upset about that .

Even when she was annoyed, flashing glares at Camp, she was still beautiful. There was something alive in her soul, something that blazed so brightly, I didn’t know if I wanted to capture it or just watch it and see where it went next.

I rolled my shoulders, attempting to shake off the sore muscles before they settled in too deeply. I wouldn’t admit it to the rest of them, but my bag definitely felt heavier than normal. Either I’d been slacking in the stamina department, or I’d caught some kind of bug. Hopefully the former, because this trip downriver could not take any more bad news.

Tipping my face toward the sky, the telltale clouds slowly creeped together and blocked the sun. We were likely going to get rain tonight, but hopefully it would fizzle out by the morning so we’d have clear weather to continue downriver or do a bit more exploring.

The watch on my hand told me almost seven minutes had passed, so I should probably make my way toward the dining hall, although the prospect of being stuck inside a small room with such big personalities wasn’t my idea of a good time.

I rubbed the back of my neck and headed down. The air was weird today. Oddly still and thick, even for the rainforest. A steady breeze had blown down by the city though, of that I was certain. The tents whipped in the wind, and there was no mistaking the sound of the breeze as it blew past your ears.

Here on the boat, though, it felt stagnant. I patted the worn dining table fondly. “Few more days and we’ll get you into the shop for the season, old girl. You’ve done good work this year. I just need you to keep it up for a few more days, and then you can rest, I promise.”

“Are you talking to your boat?”

I snapped my head up to see James standing in the doorway, frowning. “And if I was?”

He shrugged, rolling his eyes as he took the seat across from me. “No weirder than anything else you’ve done, I suppose. After all, you are living your life like some kind of shirtless jungle boy.”

I scoffed. “What was I supposed to do? Stay in the city and wait to be arrested? I had to do something .”

His icy blue eyes leveled me with a single glance, bright even in the dimming light of the room. “We always have choices, Nash. Surely you know that better than most.”

Whatever I was about to say was drowned out by Camp and Scarlett entering the room.

Scarlett looked back and forth between the two of us. “Don’t tell me you’ve been fighting in the two seconds you’ve been alone.”

“Nothing left to fight over, darling.” I met James’ gaze, daring him to say otherwise.

When he stayed silent, lips pressed into a tight line, I addressed the entire room. “So. Here’s the situation. I think it’s safe to assume James’ crew was there at some point. Exactly when they left, it’s hard to tell. It could’ve been a week ago. It could’ve been an hour ago. But they do not appear to have left willingly. So our choices are these—we can spend a few more days here, before the rains start, looking to see if they’ve gone anywhere, or we can continue downriver to our final destination. I’ll put it to a vote.”

Scarlett hesitated. “I don’t like the idea of leaving anyone behind. But...something really wasn’t right about that place. What happens if we start searching, and one of us gets hurt, and then we’re in an even worse situation than we were before? It’s a big risk for a maybe, even for me.”

“I agree.” Camp nodded. “I don’t know what they did to that place, but forever isn’t long enough for me to stay away from there. If it were up to me, we’d be sailing at night just to get away.”

The votes didn’t surprise me. I agreed completely with Scarlett. While it felt wrong to leave anyone behind, we also had to think of the safety of our own tiny crew. “James? They’re your people, after all. You have a say, too.”

He shrugged, too casual for the situation. I expected anger, fury, some kind of big emotion. Not nonchalance. “They aren’t there. Clancy isn’t there. My money isn’t there. If they’ve run off with my money, I don’t really want to be trekking around a goddamn jungle to save their sorry asses. They’ve made their beds.”

A bead of sweat trickled down James’ forehead, distracting me as he spoke. “So we’re unanimous then. We leave at first light tomorrow. I’d leave tonight, but…” I glanced out the window at the dying light of the day. “Dark will be coming soon. We’d only make it a couple of miles downriver. No point in wasting the fuel starting her up for that.”

I couldn’t deny the small burst of relief that flooded through me. I really didn’t want to go back to the city if we could help it. But if they’d all agreed to go back and look, I would’ve gone back with them.

Of course I would’ve.

“Well, if that’s decided, everyone get some food, and get some sleep. We’ll be off tomorrow.” I clapped my hands together, and everyone got to their feet.

Camp and James left without another word, but Scarlett lingered before walking out the door, standing in front of me, pushing her tousled hair away from her face nervously.

“I don’t like it, Nash,” she whispered. “I don’t like it at all.”

I stood and rested my hands on her shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s all good. We’ve left now. We don’t have to go back. We’ll be on our way tomorrow. You know what, I think I might even be able to squeeze one more real adventure out of this trip. There’s a cave I like to show people a few miles down.” My smiled felt forced, fake, and the words tasted stale in my mouth.

She shook her head. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it. Don’t you feel it, too? The energy there, in the city, it followed us back. Don’t tell me you don’t feel it.”

A choice was laid out in front of me. Tell the truth and confirm Scarlett’s fears, or lie and have her know I was lying.

I chickened out, choosing neither. “Darling, you’ll be okay, I promise.”

Her eyes were filled with questions as she looked up at me, wrapping her arms around herself with a small shiver. “I hope you’re right. I really really do.”

She drifted out of my arms, away, away, away, a dream brought to life. I hesitated. “Do you…do you want some company? I can come to your cabin if you don’t want to be alone.”

Scarlett smiled, shivering again. “Thank you. But it’s okay. I think I just need to be by myself and process for a bit. I’ll come find you later, okay?”

She exited the room, leaving me alone once more. I fell back in my chair, wondering if I’d said the right things or if every word I spoke was completely and utterly wrong.

I used to be a people person. Once upon a time. Before I’d spent more time with Carpe Diem than with humans.

I was good in the rainforest. Good with animals. Maybe I wasn’t good with people anymore, but I was good with facing danger, and finding ways out of it.

Which was what made the sinking pit in my stomach all the more uncomfortable. For the first time, I had people on my boat that I cared about outside of just being my passengers.

And there was a strong chance I wouldn’t be able to find a way out of all this danger lurking behind the beauty.

Night fell quickly, covering the Carpe Diem in a shroud. I tried not to think about the way it reminded me of a coffin, slowly smothering us while we sank into the ground, still alive.

I was being overdramatic.

Having not seen anyone since our meeting in the mess hall, I assumed them all to be fast asleep in their cabins—as I should be. Instead, I found the confines of my cabin suffocating, the closed door trapping me inside a cage whose bars slowly shrank around me. I’d wandered outside, looking for relief in the open air.

I didn’t want to go to the wheelhouse. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I just wanted to be for a minute and forget everything else going on.

I lay down onto the hard wooden deck, staring up at the night sky. The clouds reminding me of the looming rainy season still lingered, but they didn’t cover everything completely yet. For the first time in days, I found myself at peace.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I snapped up to a sitting position to see Scarlett with half a smile on her face. The stars and moon illuminated her in a cool light. She looked as hot as I felt, with only a thin tank top and shorts clinging to her skin.

“I just needed some air. Want to join me?” I patted the floor next to me as if it were a hotel bed, and not the weather-worn floor of my boat. “Lots of space.”

Her smile spread, but she shook her head. “As much as it looks incredibly comfortable, I should go back to bed. I just wanted some water.”

I wanted her to be next to me right now. No, I needed her to be next to me, even in the gentlest of contexts. I needed her skin next to mine, and to know we were both okay.

“Come on,” I said, giving her the best smile I could muster. “Just for a minute, then you can go to bed, or whatever boring thing it is you want to do.”

Scarlett rolled her eyes but made her way over to me anyway. “I don’t consider sleeping to be boring after the day we’ve had.”

I rolled myself onto one elbow, looking up at her. I needed her to know I wasn’t taking no for an answer. She needed to be down here, and maybe then everything would be okay. “Scarlett Ward. I promise you, one minute lying on the floor of this deck will fix all our problems, and if I’m wrong, you can tie me up and let me sink to the bottom of the river. Now get your fine ass over here before I make you.”

“Okay, okay,” she laughed. “You win.”

She sat down on the cool deck next to me, shuffling over until she was pressed against my side. For a moment, I was shocked at how warm her skin was. Then I remembered how hot my own cabin had been. I lay back, and she rested her head against my shoulder.

There were a lot of mysteries in this world, and one of them was how goddamn easy things were with Scarlett. It was like we were two souls who’d known each other before, and would find each other again and again. Everything just made sense when she was next to me.

I pointed to the dark sky, at the flickering stars hanging above us. “This is my favorite part about living away from the city. Being away from the noise and traffic and people is all well and good, but this… This is like the biggest piece of artwork you’ve ever seen, painted just for you.”

She rolled her head up into the crook of my neck and gasped. “There…there are so many stars.”

“It’s incredible isn’t it? How big it all is when you really think about it. Makes you realize how small and insignificant we really are.”

I could feel her smile without seeing it. “I don’t think you could ever be small or insignificant, Nash. You’re larger than life.”

Warmth flooded my chest, my heart suddenly two sizes too big. “I don’t know about that. I think I’m doing what everyone’s doing—their best to just get by.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. Out of all of us, you’re really living life. You’re doing what you’re meant to do on this planet.”

I rolled onto my side, facing her. She looked above me, away from my gaze, until I pulled her chin down, forcing her to look at me. “And if I’m doing that, what exactly are you doing?”

Scarlett gave a halfhearted shrug. “Figuring it out as I go along. Drifting. Floating. Hoping my reason comes to me.”

“Darling, why the hell are you on my boat?” I stroked her chin, knowing every cell in her body was probably screaming for her to shut down, to not share with me.

But something in her eyes broke. “I…I guess I needed to run away.” She sighed. “The stupid thing is, I don’t think any one thing in particular happened. Just a lot of little things. I never really had a life, even in high school. I was always at home, studying. There was always something that needed to be done, more important than building friendships. I told myself it was fine, how it was supposed to be. I was working hard to set myself up for the rest of my life. It makes sense when you’re in the middle of it all. There’s always more time. There’s always a chance to change things later.”

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, watching all of her carefully wound emotions tumble out of her.

“One day, I was sitting in my apartment, doing yet more studying, my PhD in sight, and I heard a birthday party going on next door. I knew my neighbor. They were about my age. The apartment was filled with people. And there I sat at my desk, listening to them having fun, and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to a birthday party. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d just hung out with a friend for fun. I scrolled through my phone, looking for a number of someone I knew who would pick up, and came up with no one. Somewhere along the line, I’d completely isolated myself. All that work to set myself up for the rest of my life…and the rest of my life was going to be as lonely and empty as it already was, but at least I’d have a piece of paper to show for it, right?” She scoffed. “I was a fucking idiot, Nash.”

My heart ached for her, alone and lost, so confident she knew the way until one day the path disappeared from beneath her feet. “You weren’t. You were doing what you thought was best. It’s hard to see things clearly when we’re in the middle of it. Don’t I know that more than most?”

“It just feels like such a worthless complaint. So many people have it worse. And I’m here complaining because my life is empty, I don’t know who I am, and I’m lonely.” Scarlett angrily swiped away at a tear. “It sounds so stupid in the grand scheme of things.”

“No. It doesn’t. Loneliness is a powerful feeling. Fear is even more powerful. And if you’re afraid of being lonely…well. It makes perfect sense.” I ran my thumb across her lips. “I can promise you one thing, though. If I have anything to say about it, you’ll never be lonely again.”

Even in only the light of the moon, I could see the way her eyes lit up. “I can’t believe I just told you all that,” she whispered.

“I mean, I’ve told you my darkest secrets. I don’t think it’s strange for you to have told me yours.” I pulled her closer to my chest, running my fingers through her soft hair. “I don’t think it’s strange at all, actually. Because I think I love you.”

Part of me expected her to bolt, to run to her cabin and lock the door behind her, after staring at me with nothing but fear in her eyes.

Instead, she sat up in my arms, looking at me like I held the answers to thousands of questions swirling inside her brain. “Do you mean that?”

I propped myself up on my elbows, smiling. “I don’t usually say things I don’t mean, darling. Besides, removing all the logic I know your brain is fighting with, it makes sense, doesn’t it? It just feels right. I wish I had something more scientific to argue with, but all I have is my heart, and my gut feeling. And my gut feeling is that I love you.”

Scarlett blinked. In the moonlight, she was striking, half in shadow, half bathed in an ethereal glow. I realized what her soul must really look like. Half shrouded in mystery, secrets she refused to even acknowledge herself, half shining so brightly it hurt to look directly at.

“I think I love you, too,” she whispered, and as she spoke those words, filled with a reverence, even the frogs drew their chorus to a close. “Is that crazy?”

“No.” I shook my head, refusing to let even a sliver of doubt surface. Doubt was the downfall of too much, too many good things. I wouldn’t let it take this from me, too. “I think it’s just two souls who recognize each other from a past life.”

“Except… what if I’m with Camp, too?” Her voice wobbled, unsure.

I only smiled, knowing her being with Camp had never bothered me, and pointed up toward the sky, where the stars seemingly hung just for us. “I think we’ve loved each other far longer than these stars have been in the sky, don’t you?”

Her gaze followed my hand, staring up at the endless abyss in front of us, an entire lifetime of possibilities and potential. “I think so.”

We fell into silence, her nestled against me, the stars above us, and the river below. Today was done, yesterday was long gone, and tomorrow was a different day. But for right now, in this quiet moment, lost in the gaps of life, I found peace against Scarlett’s skin.

For right now, it was enough.