Chapter 16
16
The next morning I wake up heavy and resigned. I should feel better today but I don’t. I still want to cry every time I remember that overheard phone conversation, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is what my life looks like now.
Maybe reality hasn’t changed, but my perception of it has. And that changes everything for me.
Gabriel goes down to swim. I’m waiting when he returns after an hour and a half. He showers and then comes to lie in bed while I get the oil and start to massage him.
I’ve made it down to the back of his thighs when he suddenly pushes himself up and flips over, raising himself into a sitting position. “Okay, Jess,” he says in that stern, authoritative tone he only occasionally uses with me. “I’m not going to believe any of your excuses this morning. It’s not your period. Something is wrong with you.”
“No, it’s n?—”
“Yes, it is.” When I make one more attempt to argue, he snaps, “Stop lying to me. Stop it right now.”
His tone silences me. That deep emotional pain is shaking desperately in my chest and throat again. I stare down at my hands, which are glistening slightly from the body oil. He interrupted our massage.
“We’ve been together for five months, Jess. I know you. I know how we are together. And something isn’t right. Please don’t lie to me about it again.”
I do my best, but it’s too much to keep inside. A weird little whimper escapes my aching throat. I twist my hands together.
He reaches over and covers both my hands with one of his big warm ones. “We’ve had this discussion before. Multiple times. You have to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it.”
“There’s nothing you can?—”
“Why would you assume that? Haven’t I been able to help you before?”
I nod, still unable to raise my eyes to look at him.
“So why can’t you tell me what’s wrong this time so we can see if there’s anything I can do to make it better?”
I make a strangled sound as a couple of tears leak out of the corners of my eyes.
He wipes them away very gently. “Tell me, Jess. I’m the person who takes care of you, so I’m the one you tell.”
And that’s it. I burst into helpless sobs.
He sits on the bed wearing nothing but his sleep shorts and holds my hands and waits for me to pull myself together.
Then there’s nothing for me to do but admit the truth to him. “I… I heard you. On the phone.”
I feel the surprise and confusion in his body. He wasn’t expecting me to say that. “What do you mean? What phone call?”
“Yesterday. After my walk. I heard you on the phone.” I choke on another sob as I hear his dry, bland voice in my mind again. “You said… You said…”
“Oh my God,” he breathes out very softly. Like he understands but not like he feels guilty.
“You said you had to spend all these months training me and that it’s been really frustrating and that I’m only barely competent and that you have to tiptoe around my feelings.” I blurt it all out in an uneven rush. “I know… I know that you never wanted a partner, but I thought… I thought… I was doing okay and that you… you…”
I’m too embarrassed to admit what I thought.
Gabriel lifts his hands to cup one of my cheeks, raising my head so I’m forced to look at him. “Oh my fucking God, Jess.”
“I’m sorry! I really am. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, and I should have been more realistic about how we… how we… our relationship. But it hurt my feelings. A lot. I’ve been trying not to be upset about it, but I am. I really am.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me right after you heard it?” Despite his repeated use of the word fuck , he doesn’t sound angry. He sounds tired. Faintly impatient. And also weirdly relieved.
I don’t understand what I’m sensing in his mood. “I shouldn’t have overheard you! And what exactly was I supposed to say?”
“You were supposed to say what you heard and ask me why I said it so I could explain it to you.”
His gentle voice breaks through the whirlwind of emotions in my head. I freeze. Then blink. I’m finally able to peer up at his face. “There’s an explanation?”
“Of course there’s an explanation! Did you really think—” He cuts himself off and then shifts gears into a moderated tone. “Baby, do you believe me to be a somewhat intelligent man?”
I make another choking sound. “Somewhat intelligent? You’re the smartest person I’ve ever known! The smartest person in all the Central Cities!”
His expression softens briefly, like my outburst touches him. “Thank you for that. Let’s agree that I’m reasonably intelligent. Given that, do you think there’s any way I could actually believe that I’ve spent the past several months training you?”
I blink at him a few more times, trying to process what he’s asking. “I… I don’t…”
“Of course I don’t believe that. No person with even the smallest brain in their head could believe I’ve trained you in anything at all. Is it not a more accurate representation of reality to admit that you’ve spent five months and exerted an enormous amount of patience and effort to train me ?”
The question surprises me so much I actually giggle.
He relaxes into a smile. “Since I’m a reasonably intelligent person, of course I’m aware of this basic reality. There’s no possible way I could believe what you heard me say on the phone.”
I’m finally starting to understand what he’s telling me. The tears that slip down my cheeks are from immense relief rather than hurt. “Then why did you say it?”
“Baby, listen to me.” He gently tucks some of my loose hair behind my ear. “I have people asking me to trade their partners for you all the time.”
“Wh-what?”
“All the time. It’s ridiculous and honestly offensive that they think I’d be willing to simply give you away, but they do. They see how beautiful and clever and generous you are. How much warmth you radiate. How in sync you are with people all over the palace. How confident you are in your role here and how genuinely devoted you are to me. With other partners, it sometimes feels like an act, but never with you. They see me hurrying to get back to you. They see the credits I give you and the times I’ve called in favors to make things better for you and your family. They might sense how much… how much I value you. So they’ve rightfully concluded that you’re special, and they want you for themselves.”
I lick my dry lips. Swipe away a stray tear. “I didn’t… I didn’t know that.”
“I know you didn’t. I was afraid it might make you uncomfortable if I told you, and honestly, I didn’t want you to get any ideas about moving on to someone else. But people are always trying to poach you, so I have to be incredibly careful about how I handle it.”
“You do?”
“I do. So far no one has asked for you who’s higher in the administration than I am, but it’s a real possibility. What happens if one of the chief administrators or Vincent himself decides they want you as a partner and won’t take no for an answer? Then it would be a dangerous, diplomatic mess because of course I’d never agree to a trade. So I have to make it sound like you’re not special to me and that I don’t have a lot invested in it. I have to handle it very carefully.”
All of this is entirely new to me, and it’s knitting my heart back together. Making it fly. Soar.
“I have to be incredibly careful, Jess, or they’ll take you away from me.” His blue eyes are soft and so serious. He’s telling me the truth.
I swallow down a whimper. “I didn’t… I didn’t know.”
“I can see that. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to feel in any way insecure. But I’ve been living with this for a while. I can’t let anyone see how much you mean to me, or they might want even more to poach you.” He cups my face again and then slides a hand down to hold the side of my neck possessively. “I’m not going to let them take you from me.”
“Please don’t let them,” I whisper.
He leans forward, and for a moment I swear he’s going to kiss me. I want it so much. But he stops himself. Appears briefly awkward—like he’s not sure what to do—before he asks, “Are you okay now?”
“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t say something before. I shouldn’t have lied to you. But I was… I was really hurt. By what you said. By what I thought you meant.”
“Don’t keep something like that to yourself again.”
“I won’t.”
“I mean it. You bring to me anything that upsets you. Even if it’s me. That should always be the first thing you do. I may not always be able to fix it, but sometimes I can. And even if I can’t, I still need to know.”
I’m being washed with warm waves of affection and security and bone-deep emotional pleasure. I drop my eyes so that he won’t read such naked vulnerability in my expression. “Okay,” I mumble. “I will. From now on I will.”
“Good.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I’m not sure what happens to me then. It’s like all the energy is zapped out of me with a lightning strike. I fall back onto the bed without volition, and then I’m embarrassed, so I giggle up at him.
He smiles at whatever he sees in my face. “You feel better now.” It’s not entirely clear whether it’s a statement or a question.
“Yes. I do.”
He stretches out beside me, rolling onto his side and propping his head up on one folded arm. “Is it really your period or was that another lie?”
I swallow hard. “It is going to start in another day or two, but it hasn’t started yet. We never finished the massage, and I didn’t make you come, but I can do that now if you want.”
“Maybe.” He’s looking down at me with a warm entitlement that thrills me. One of his hands moves back to my face, tracing the line of my cheekbone and jaw with the tips of his fingers. “Can I touch you?” he murmurs, his eyes lowering to my bare breasts.
“Yes, you can touch me. You can do anything you want.”
He’s already had his hands all over on my face, my neck, my bottom, and my pussy. Multiple times. I’m not entirely sure why he’s asking now.
His hand slides down lower until he’s gently feeling one of my nipples. The light touch generates tingles of pleasure that go right to my pussy. His eyes are soft and hot. They seem to devour me, moving hungrily from my breasts to my face and back again.
My breathing has accelerated as he keeps caressing me gently. I want to reach up and hold on to him. I want to move my hands all over his body too. But he’s not asking for that right now, and I can’t simply claim it for no other reason than I want it so badly.
I gasp and arch up involuntarily as the pleasure builds between my legs. “Gabriel,” I breathe out.
He adjusts his position so he’s propped up over me. His head lowers slightly until there’re only a few inches between our faces. “Can I…” He doesn’t finish the hoarse question.
“Gabriel, I’ve told you. You can do anything you want.”
“I want…” He’s almost never this hesitant. I don’t understand why he’s not simply taking what he wants, but it thrills me anyway.
“What do you want?” I reach up to touch the thick strand of his hair that’s slipped out of his hair tie.
“I don’t want you to only let me do things.” He sounds self-deprecating. Almost embarrassed. I’ve never heard that tone from him before. “I want you to want it too.”
“Oh.” I say the word with a silly little sound of surprise. Then I suddenly understand his hesitance. His mood. And I’m flooded with a different sort of pleasure and excitement. “Gabriel, whatever it is you want, I promise I want it too.”
He nods with a jerk of his head. Understanding me. Believing me. His cheeks are flushed, and he’s breathing just as fast and shallow as I am.
He bends his arms to lower his head toward mine again. He pauses only an inch away from my mouth.
I should let him make his own decision in this. I know I should. It has to be his initiative. But I hear myself whispering anyway: “Please.”
With a soft guttural sound, he closes the distance between our mouths. He kisses me.
It’s light. Gentle. Just a sweet brush of his lips against mine. But I’ve never felt such an intense rush of pleasure before. Not once in my life.
He pulls back after a few seconds, checking my face with that deep, searching look that’s so much a part of who he is.
Somebody else—someone more experienced or skillful or controlled or professional—would play it cool right now. But that’s never been me. I’m so filled with such a wave of joy that it bursts out of me. A wide smile breaks out on my face. I beam up at him shamelessly.
His mouth softens into a smile in response, real but tempered with his characteristic dry cleverness. But what he sees on my face must be what he’s looking for. Soon his eyes heat up again as he claims another kiss.
This one is longer. Deeper. More sensual. His tongue gets involved, sliding over the line of my upper lip and then my lower one before it slips all the way into my mouth.
It’s strange having someone else’s tongue in my mouth. I’ve never experienced it before. But it’s intensely intimate, and as soon as I process the sensations, I crave even more.
Because this is Gabriel. Gabriel . Kissing me like this.
I open my mouth wider and wrap my arms around his neck, holding nothing back as I respond to the kiss.
He’s getting into it too. He’s making throaty sounds as he moves more of his body over mine. While he will always be more reserved than I am—careful about opening himself up—he’s pouring himself into the kiss right now. I can feel it. Sense it. He wants me for real. Me , not just simply my body. I know it’s true.
We kiss for a long time, until I’m so aroused I can’t lie still. I’m eagerly rocking up against the hard, warm weight of him above me, fighting a silly compulsion to wrap both my legs around him to rub myself off.
He finally breaks the kiss with a broken moan. He stares down at me for a long stretch of time, tense and panting and perspiring. Hungry .
“Do you want…” This time he doesn’t finish the sentence because his voice breaks rather than from his earlier hesitance.
“Anything you want, I want too,” I admit.
“All the way?” The tension coiled inside him is so strong he’s almost shuddering from the effort to contain it.
“All the way.”
He groans again. Kisses me for another minute. Then starts trailing kisses down my neck and along my shoulders until he lowers them to one of my breasts. He teases and suckles until I’m squirming and mewing out nonsense words. Then he gives the other breast the same treatment.
It’s honestly embarrassing how out of control I am. I keep trying to rub my pussy against his thigh and claw lines down his back in my neediness.
When he finally lifts himself up again, he once more checks my face.
“Please,” I whisper again. I know I shouldn’t push or pressure him, but I really can’t help it.
I’ve never needed anything more than I need this right now.
“You want me to fuck you?” he asks, oddly gentle.
“Yes! Don’t you want that too?”
“Fucking hell do I want it. It feels like I’ll be ripped right in two if I don’t fuck you right this minute.”
“Then do it. Do it now!”
He straightens up so he can pull my thighs farther apart to make room for him. He stares down at my wet, pulsing pussy with an expression that fires me up even more. Then he asks thickly, “How do you want to do it?”
“I don’t… I don’t know. I’ve never done it before.”
Something flickers across his face. Maybe he actually forgot that I’m a virgin. “You’re sure you want to do this with me now?”
“Gabriel, stop asking. Stop questioning it. I’ve spent most of my life waiting to be your partner. Waiting for this moment. Waiting to give all of me to you.”
He makes a weird, strangled sound. I’m not sure what it means. But his expression twists as if he’s touched by what I said. “I never realized it,” he murmurs, so low I can barely hear the words, “but I think I might have been waiting for you too.”
My whole body shakes with a surge of emotion. He leans down to kiss me again until I’ve settled. Then he reaches down to shuck the sleep shorts he’s still wearing.
“Let’s do missionary since it’s your first time.” He repositions so he’s between my legs, propped above me.
It takes a few seconds to realize he’s using an outdated term for this sexual position. “We don’t have to do it this way if you’d prefer something else. I’m good, and I want you to take what you really want.”
He frowns just slightly, brushing some stray hairs off my hot face. “What I want, baby, is for you to feel safe and good for your first time. We can do some more adventurous stuff later on if you want. But surely it won’t surprise you when I say that I’m not a particularly wild or adventurous guy.”
That makes me giggle, but I answer seriously. “No. I don’t think that about you. You’re brilliant and ambitious and hardworking and observant and… and thoughtful. Genuinely kind. Not really wild. But I do think you… you’re hard on yourself. And you’ve held back for a long time. And I don’t want you to hold back anymore.”
His expression tightens. “Thank you for that. We can explore that eventually. But I’m not going to enjoy this right now unless I’m absolutely sure that you’re enjoying it too. So we’re going to take it easy and make sure it’s good for you before we do anything else.”
I gulp. Nod. Want to hide my eyes but can’t look away from him. “Okay. That sounds good.”
For the first time I’m a little bit nervous. I’ve never done this before.
“Will you—” I bite back the words before I finish the thought.
“Will I what?”
I turn my head to the side.
He gently turns it back so I’m looking up at him again. “Tell me, baby.”
“I know the basics, but I’m not… I’m getting a little nervous. Will you show me what to do?”
“Yes.” He brushes his lips against mine. “I’ll show you. We’re going to be so good together.”
His words cut through my nerves and get me excited again. So does his kiss, which deepens and lengthens until I’m drowning in it. After a few minutes of kissing me, he moves a hand between my legs, feeling me, stroking my wet, warm flesh until he penetrates me with two fingers. He pumps them the way he always does, but he’s curling his fingers differently. Stretching my inner walls.
It feels good and familiar and needed. I whimper into the kiss, consumed by the erotic sensations.
My mind spins, and my body falls out of my control. I rock my hips against his hand and dig my fingernails into the back of his neck until I’m coming before I know it, clamping down around his fingers as my body shakes through the waves of pleasure. I make the most ridiculous moans and gasps into his mouth because Gabriel is still kissing me through it.
When I’ve started to relax, he lifts his head although his fingers are still all the way inside me, stroking gently.
“Now then,” he murmurs, staring down at me. “That’s better. Your pussy is all wet and soft and warm and ready for me. We’re going to be so good together.”
I arch my back as he pumps his fingers a few more times. I’m so turned on I can feel another orgasm beginning.
“Okay,” Gabriel murmurs, soothing but also rather breathless. “Part your legs farther for me.”
I do as he says, my breath hitching as he lines up his erection at my entrance, nudging just slightly.
“It’s going to feel like a lot at first,” he tells me. “If it really hurts, be sure to tell me. But I don’t think it will. I think you’re going to take me really well.”
I whimper since his words fill me with pleasure more than anxiety. Then he’s pushing his cock into my pussy, and it’s tight. Full. So much.
I make a helpless sound, and Gabriel pauses mid-penetration.
“It doesn’t hurt,” I tell him. He must be genuinely concerned about me to hold himself back that way. He’s so aroused that he’s almost shaking with it. “It’s just really tight. Am I small, or are you really big?”
He huffs a few times with choked amusement. “Let’s say the latter, although I think we’re both fairly standard size. Are you ready for more?”
The distraction has helped relax me. I nod and hold on to his shoulders as he eases out and back in, sinking farther into me. This time I don’t make any sounds when the tightness inside me sharpens. It feels like he’s really in there now. Deep.
“How is it, baby?” The muscles in his arms are taut as they hold his upper body above me. “There’s still a little left to go. Can you take any more, or do you want me to stop here?”
“I can take more.”
“Good… girl,” he rasps as he pushes his cock farther inside me.
I lift my back instinctively, clutching at his shoulders as I adjust to the sensations. I know I should relax. That it would make it easier. But everything inside me—and my wet pussy—is gripping him just as tightly as my hands.
“Fuck!” He jerks his head to the side and breathes raggedly. “Fuck, baby, can you try to soften up a little? You’ve got me so tight I’m going to last about ten seconds like this. Take a few deep breaths.”
I do as he says, surprised when it actually helps. I’m able to relax my inner muscles and that deep neediness that always insists on clinging to him with everything inside me.
“There you go,” he murmurs in a less desperate tone. “That’s really good. Fuck, you feel so good.”
“Gabriel.” His name comes out as a stretched whine.
“Yes.” He’s holding his upper body on straightened arms, so tense he’s still shaking very slightly. He smells strongly of his familiar, carnal scent even though I know he took a shower not long ago, and his eyes are fixed on my face.
“Gabriel.” I try rolling my hips experimentally, gasping when the small friction triggers a multitude of nerve endings. I know his cock isn’t unnaturally enormous, but it feels that way inside me like that. Far bigger than he feels in my mouth.
His hips respond to my motion with a series of small, helpless jerks. “Yes. Yes. You’re killing me here.”
“I’m trying not to. It’s just… so much.”
“Do you want me to pull out?”
I can tell from his shift in expression that he will if I ask him to. “No. Not yet. I just need a minute.”
“Okay.” He closes his eyes and breathes as slow and deep as I am. “But you have to tell me if it’s too much, too soon.”
“I… I don’t think it is.”
He holds himself very still except for his arms, which are still rippling with suppressed trembles.
I stare up at his face. Breathe in the fragrance of him. Relax around the hard substance of him inside me as my heart softens.
He’s Gabriel. He’s who he’s always been. Brilliant and guarded and careful and hardworking and generous and considerate and protective. And needy .
Just as needy as me.
He’s not in control of this any more than I am, and he’s trying so hard not to hurt me. Even if it means he can’t take everything he wants when he wants it.
“Gabriel,” I whisper, raising a hand to cup the side of his face. He hasn’t shaved since yesterday, so his skin is scratchy against my palm.
He opens his eyes and breathes out, “Yes, baby.”
“I’m okay now.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.” I roll my hips again, and this time it’s easier. Not as overwhelming. My pussy is still clutching his cock, but it feels less like a vise. “Yes. It’s better.”
He bites off a guttural sound. Rocks his hips against mine a few times, shallow and careful.
It feels different now. Just as intense. But also instinctive. Needed . I can’t help but lift my pelvis to meet his small thrusts.
“Fuck.” His eyes are still devouring my face. “Are you ready now, Jess? It feels like you’re ready.”
“Yes. Yes, please.” I slide both hands down so that they’re wrapped around his clenching biceps. “I want it. You.”
The words are choked out without volition, but they’re entirely true. And they have a profound effect on Gabriel.
His face twists. His head jerks to the side like he got hit. And he falls into fast, jerky thrusts that he quickly restrains.
I whimper in pleasure—as emotional as physical. “Are you ready too, Gabriel?”
When he grows still again with a long exhale, he meets my eyes again. “Ready doesn’t come close.”
I smile since he’s still him but also more vulnerable than I ever dreamed he’d be with me.
“What’s that smile for?”
“I don’t know. Just that I’m happy. Happy to be doing this with you.”
He jerks his face to the side again with three small, clumsy thrusts. “Fuck, baby. I’m having enough trouble keeping it together as it is. You say anything else like that and I’ll completely fall apart.”
The characteristic edge of dry amusement in his tone, despite the intimacy of our position and his stretched sincerity, makes me half cry and half giggle.
He gazes at me with a tenderness that’s impossible not to recognize.
I pull myself together quickly, prompted by the tension that’s still shuddering in his arms. “I’m ready.”
“Good.” He bends his elbows, lowering his face toward mine. He brushes my lips very gently with his. “Because the sad truth is I’m going to lose it any second here.”
That makes me giggle again. Then I stop laughing when he begins to thrust. They’re not shallow, helpless ones now. They’re slow. Purposeful. Pulling out almost all the way before he pushes back in.
The friction feels good. Really good. But it doesn’t satisfy that shaky neediness inside me. It builds it up even more.
Gabriel keeps it up for a while—until my pussy has fully stretched to accommodate the size of him and a deep ache has coiled tight below my belly. I’ve gradually gotten squirmier, having trouble matching his steady rhythm and digging my fingernails into his upper arms.
“Gabriel,” I finally say on a sharp gasp. “I need… I need…”
“I know, baby. I know.” He’s intently focused on what he’s doing—and it’s oddly exhilarating. His deep mind and strong will and sharp concentration are all focused solely on me. “I know what you need.”
“Can you… Can you… Faster.” I have to fight not to writhe at the intensity of the feelings. So many feelings.
“Yes.” The speed of his pumping accelerates, making me moan in relief and pleasure. “I’m going to give you everything you need.”
“Please. I want to…”
“What do you want, baby?” His voice is gravelly, like he’s working to get the words out. Some of his hair has fallen out of the tie and is hanging around his face. His skin is damp. His face is flushed. And he’s huffing as he works his hips.
“I want to come !” I’m making the weirdest sounds now as I rock eagerly to meet his thrusts. Helpless and whiny and not far from little sobs. “Why can’t I?”
“You can. You will.” His face is tenser than I’ve ever seen it. He must be trying so hard not to come before I do. “You don’t have to force it. You can trust me. Jess, trust me.”
I do trust him. With everything. And he’s never let me down. “I do,” I choke out as my body starts shaking helplessly. My pussy has clamped down around his cock. It aches. Almost hurts. But it also feels so good, so needed .
The coiled tension inside me finally breaks. I cry out as the orgasm shudders through me.
It pulls Gabriel over the edge too. He makes a sound of agonized relief that matches mine as he falls out of rhythm, pushing into me with fast, hard jerks of his hips just before he yanks his cock out of me.
He keeps rocking into me with his cock trapped between our bodies. He comes like that, moaning hoarsely as his body is wracked with the spasms of release.
He falls on top of me, and we stay like that for a long time, shaking through little afterquakes and panting until we catch our breath.
I’ve finally stopped digging my fingernails into his skin and stroke the nail marks gently. He lifts his head, smiling with small tilts at the corners of his mouth. I smile back.
“How do you feel?” he asks, his eyes scouring my face, searching for signs of my response to what we just did.
“I feel good. Kind of sore if you want to know the truth. But also really good. It feels different than with your fingers.”
“I know.” He leans down to kiss me again. “It feels different to me too.”