Devotion (Central Cities #1)

Chapter 22

22

A few hours later, I’m home with my family.

I’m exhausted and disoriented and still incredibly anxious and sad.

Sad more than anything else.

Not that I’m ever sorry to be with my family. After their initial shock, they’ve been welcoming and supportive and sympathetic. My dad is still at work, but the others listen wide-eyed to my rambling narrative and are deeply relieved that Gabriel and I made it out of the Central Cities safely. They agree that Gabriel did the right thing even though it was difficult. And they understand how upset I am about losing him.

Carrie is convinced he’s going to show up any minute and whisk me away to be with him forever, but my mom knows better. “He’s doing the right thing,” she tells me with a wise, sympathetic look that breaks my heart. “He’s trying to do the right thing by you too.”

I know she’s right. I saw it in Gabriel’s face earlier before Annabelle took me away.

He’ll spend the rest of his life as an exile. Every minute he stays somewhere that’s in reach of the Central Cities, he’ll be in danger—as will anyone with him. He won’t drag me into that life even if part of him wants to.

There’s no reason to assume he even loves me. At least not as much as I love him.

Our relationship has meant something to him. I believe that much at least. But he’s never expressed that it’s deep and real enough to survive beyond the boundaries of the palace.

He never wanted me as a partner. It took him months to open up even a little, to let down his guard enough to accept what I offered. He heard me say I love him, and he’s never said it back.

He’ll want to know I’m safe. He’ll think of me fondly.

But he’s not going to put everything at risk to spend his life with me.

I’m not the naive, hopeful girl I was seven months ago, believing that people are mostly good and that my small acts of love and service can make the world a better place.

Nothing is what I believed it to be, and I’m no longer waiting for miracles.

So I’ll do what everyone else does in this world. I’ll make do with whatever is left for me after my dreams slip away.

I go through the day in a dull, achy daze, too numb and exhausted to even cry. By late afternoon, I’ve been collapsed on the sofa for hours, unable to make myself move, and my mother finally suggests that I take a walk with my sister. Some fresh air will be good for me, and I’ll feel more like myself soon.

I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like myself again, but I do as she suggests. Carrie and I wander around the neighborhood. A few people greet her and give me curious looks. There’s nothing about my appearance now that indicates I’ve lived at the presidential palace in the Central Cities. I’ve rebraided my hair and am wearing regular street clothes, so the looks are probably because they’ve not seen me before. Maybe they’re simply wondering who I am.

We reach a small park. It’s cute and well-tended, and it’s obviously a place where folks in the area bring their children and their pets. While Carrie runs over to talk to a girl her age she knows, I sit on a bench and try to clear my mind.

Remember who I am and how I felt before I knew Gabriel.

I can’t even remember.

A woman sits down beside me before I know she’s there. “All is well at home with your family?”

I blink. Annabelle. Her big blue eyes are scanning me sharply. “Yes. Everything is fine. What are you doing here?”

“We haven’t left the city yet. Had some business to do. I wanted to check on you before we leave.”

“I’m fine. Gabriel hasn’t shown up to snatch me up and carry me away to his evil dungeon if that’s what you’re afraid of.” My tone is slightly bitter despite the way Annabelle helped us escape.

She judged Gabriel, and it feels like partly her fault I’m not with him now.

She arches her eyebrows. “Is that fair?”

“Maybe not. I don’t know.”

“I’ve met a lot of young women in your position. And most of the time they don’t understand how trapped they are until they’re freed from their man.”

“I understand that. But our relationship wasn’t like that. I don’t feel free now. I feel…”

“Lost?”

I shake my head. “Like half of me is gone.”

“That will pass.”

“Haven’t you ever been in love?” The question is half query and half accusation. If I had more energy right now, I’d be angry with her.

“No,” she tells me without hesitation. “But I have been under the thumb of a man who believed it was his right to use me for his own purposes. It’s best not to confuse the two things.”

“I haven’t confused anything.”

She peers at me for a long time, then gives a slight nod. “Maybe not. I will give you this. Your man is trying to do the right thing by you.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s leaving. He’s spent all day preparing for a long trip. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s gone before the sun goes down today.”

My throat tightens so dramatically I can’t breathe for a few seconds. “How do you know?”

“Because we’ve been watching him. Making sure we didn’t make a mistake in getting him across the border.”

“You’ve got the Arsenal plans, don’t you?”

“Yes, but we have to be careful about trusting them. This whole thing could be a trap.”

I hadn’t thought about that before, but I can understand her suspicions. “It’s not a trap.”

“I believe that now. Your behavior as well as his bears that out.”

“So he’s leaving?”

“Yes. He must have kept a vehicle from when he lived here before. He got it out of storage and took it to a mechanic. He bought a lot of provisions and supplies, and he picked up the motor from the mechanic less than an hour ago. He might be leaving the city as we speak.”

I swallow over a hard lump. My eyes burn, but there are no tears. It doesn’t feel like I’m capable of crying any longer.

“He’s doing the right thing. You’ll be safer without him.”

“I don’t want to be safe. I want to be with him.”

“He wants the best for you.”

“And I want the best for him.” I stare down at the grass beneath my feet. “ I’m the best thing for him.”

When I glance back, she’s smiling faintly.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing. You’ve got courage and heart.” She stands up, her pale blond hair fluttering across her face in the breeze. “Don’t let this callous world strip them away from you.”

Before I can respond, she turns to walk away, and she’s out of sight before I do more than blink twice.

I doubt I’ll ever see her again.

An hour later, Carrie and I are back at home. My father has returned from work, so I have to retell my whole story to him as I help my grandfather get dinner started.

I’m setting the table when there’s a knock on the door.

We’re all gathered in the kitchen, and we stare at each other in surprised confusion.

No one ever knocks.

Shrugging, my father gets up to answer it. He’s out of sight as he opens the front door. There’s a murmur of voices. The rest of us are still in the kitchen, standing like statues.

Then my father reappears with the oddest expression on his face. He gestures behind him.

The man who steps into the kitchen is almost unrecognizable. His hair has been cut very short, and he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days, so he has the stubbly beginnings of a beard. He’s wearing faded jeans and hiking boots, a beat-up canvas jacket. He looks big and rugged and almost grungy. His blue eyes find me instinctively, and his mouth turns up just slightly in a fond smile.

He’s still the Gabriel I love.

I make a choked sound, then propel myself forward, hurling myself toward him in a fervent hug.

He huffs at the impact, but his arms wrap around me, gripping me with a desperate urgency it’s impossible to mistake. “Fuck, baby,” he says, tilting his head to murmur into my ear. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

“I thought you left!” I manage to pry myself out of his embrace, but I only withdraw a few inches. I’m still clutching at his shirt like he might slip away from me at any moment. “Annabelle said you were leaving.”

“I thought I noticed her men watching me. I was getting ready all day, but I couldn’t leave without seeing you.”

I’m starting to shake because I suddenly realize he might not be here to take me with him. He might have come to say a real goodbye. “Gabriel.” There’s an audible wobble in the one word.

He glances around at my family. “I’m sorry to barge in like this. You don’t even know me, but I’ve heard a lot about you.” He looks back at me. “Can we talk somewhere for a few minutes?”

A few minutes isn’t nearly long enough as far as I’m concerned, but I nod and glance toward my mother.

“Take him to Carrie’s room. We’ll go ahead and start dinner so you don’t have to rush.”

I give her a shaky, appreciative smile as I take Gabriel’s hand and lead him out of the kitchen and down the hall until we reach my sister’s small room where I slept when I visited.

I close the door softly and then turn to face Gabriel. We stare at each other in silence for a long moment.

My intentions are to be good. To not put any pressure on him. After all, he shouldn’t make life-changing decisions because he feels bad about hurting me or because I’m a needy, clingy hanger-on.

My good intentions go right out the window. “Are you really going to leave me behind?” I ask in a small voice.

He makes a weird, short grunt. Reaches out for me but then jerks and drops his hand. “Jess.” His face twists.

Managing to pull myself together again, I hug my arms to my middle and say, “I’ll be okay. You need to do what’s best for you. I’m with my family at least. I’ll be okay.”

“Oh my God, baby. Do you really believe I care about what’s best for me ? I’m only thinking about you. You’ll be safe here. You can live a decent life and find a job you’re good at. Maybe find a nice man without all the baggage to fall in love with. Start a family.” His features contort again like he’s being ripped apart by what he’s feeling but is struggling to hold it back. “You’ll be safe and happy, and that’s the only thing that matters to me.”

I haven’t been able to cry all day, but sobs hit me all of a sudden. My whole body shakes as they rise up. Spill over. “But I’m never going to be happy without you.”

He steps forward. Takes my face in both hands, holds it possessively. “Listen to me, Jess. I don’t think you understand what life with me will look like. It’s not just that I can’t go back to the Capital. I can’t ever come back even to Saint Louis. Or any of the Outer Cities. I’m heading back home, and I’m going to have to stay there.”

I gulp. “So if I go with you, I won’t ever see my family again?”

“What? No, of course not. You can still visit them some. I just can’t come with you.”

“But how?—”

His mouth softens. “I’ll have to teach you to drive. I can get you most of the way, but then you’ll have to drive the last leg of the trip by yourself. But that’s not the point. You’ve lived your whole life in the Capital, and out east it’s very different. You’re not going to want to give up everything you’ve known and the lifestyle you’re used to and being near your family just to…”

I’m suddenly excited. On the edge of thrilled. For the first time since he returned from that terrible meeting with the president a week ago. “Just to what? To be with you? Have a life with you? Start a family with you? Do you have any idea how little I care about living a city lifestyle compared to having all that with you? As long as I can still visit my family sometimes. You’re sure that will be okay?”

His face is changing too. Something bright and hot has come alive in his eyes. He slides his hands down to span the base of my neck. “Yes, it will be okay. I got one of those batteries I lifted installed in my old vehicle, and I’ve got the backup if anything ever happens to the first one. Unless we have very bad luck, those should last us a couple of decades. In that vehicle, it’s less than a day’s drive to Saint Louis, so you can see them at least a few times a year. We’d have to monitor how rigorously they’re searching for me, but I’m guessing they’ll give up before the year is out. But I can’t ever come back. If you don’t like it there, you’ll have to return to live with your family alone.” His tone has been breathless, as if he’s getting excited too, but it turns serious on the last sentence.

“I understand. Gabriel, I hear what you’re saying, and it doesn’t change anything for me. I want this. Nothing I’ll be giving up is worth anything compared to what I’ll be gaining.” My emotional momentum halts with a strangled sound. I drop my eyes. “Assuming you want…”

“Assuming I want what? You? You can’t be serious.”

I frown up at him. “I am serious. You’ve never said?—”

“Of course I love you, baby! I love you more than the entirety of the universe could hold!” His eyes are blazing now. Everything about him is blazing. On fire in a way I’ve never witnessed before.

I let out the silliest little whimper. It’s honestly embarrassing. I stare down at the floor, swaying slightly with a wave of dizziness.

He’s holding me by the shoulders now. “Look at me, Jess.” When I lift my eyes, he says in a softer, gentler tone, “I love you. I can no longer remember who I was when I didn’t love you. I’ve been sleepwalking through the world like a zombie for years, blocking out everything except work, everything that might make me feel, make me vulnerable.” One of his hands lifts to stroke my cheek with his fingertips. “You woke me up. You taught me how to be the man I was always supposed to be. And if you’re sure—if you’re absolutely sure this is what you want—then I’ll spend the rest of my life being the man you’ve made me. Being that man for you.”

And that’s it for me. I burst into tears and throw myself against him. He wraps me in a tight hug, and we rock together in the embrace for a long time, holding on to each other.

When my emotions have finally settled, I’m able to pull back and smile up at him. My face is wet and messy, but he doesn’t appear to care.

He thumbs away the trail of a couple of stray tears. “There she is,” he says in a hoarse whisper. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever see her again.”

“Her?”

“ You . Smiling at me like that. You’ll never know what it does to me. How it transforms everything for me.”

I sniff and shift my eyes and flush in pleasure and self-consciousness, filled with the pure, bright heat of joy. “Maybe I like to see you smiling at me too.”

When I focus up at Gabriel again, he is.

He stays to visit with my family for a couple of hours, but he’s worried about spending the night. He refuses to put us in danger with his extended presence, so he leaves with the promise to come pick me up before dawn in the morning.

I don’t sleep at all that night. I don’t have much to pack since I left nearly everything in my possession at the palace, but my family gathers more stuff for me to take than I would have expected. Some extra clothes. Some childhood mementos. A few of my father’s treasured books and half my mother’s knitting supplies. A few gifts they insist on my bringing for Gabriel’s family.

It’s incredibly hard to say goodbye to them. I’ve never in my life been apart from my family for more than a month at a time. It might be six months before I can come back to visit Saint Louis depending on the state of the president’s search for Gabriel. It feels like a very long time.

There are a lot of tears as well as some laughter. And I’m still awake and in a wired state of excitement when Gabriel pulls a big, older-model vehicle in front of my parents’ home. It’s not one of the new, sleek motors I’m used to. It looks more like a truck with a squared-off back end and big wheels. It’s not pretty, but it looks tough, and that’s likely what matters most in these circumstances. He parks it and gets out to come to the door.

He gives me a light kiss on my mouth, then shakes my father’s hand and then my grandfather’s. He leans over to kiss my mother’s cheek and then lifts Carrie’s small hand to kiss the knuckles in an exaggerated gallant gesture that makes her giggle. He nods to them, picks up my bags, and stows them in the back as I hug and kiss each member of my family in turn.

Gabriel is waiting by the passenger door when I walk down to the curb. I turn around once to wave at my family gathered in the doorway before he helps me into the seat.

He strides quickly to the driver’s side and gets in behind the wheel. Glances over at me. “You sure about this?”

There’s no hesitation in my heart at all. “I’m sure. I told you before—I’m your partner forever.”