Dirty Play (Empire State Hockey Series)

11. Gwen

Cade Motherfucking Williams is the only thing I can think about. When I saw him at the hospital last night talking with Kennedy and Denise, it stirred up all the feelings I have been trying to push down for weeks. His touch, his tongue, his cock… they”ve left an impression on me, and I don’t know how to not compare everything to him. He’s become the gold standard in my life, even if he is an absolute asshole. Even his stupid personality is somehow both infuriating and fucking endearing.

He’s so capable of being sweet and caring, and he shows that more often than not. Even last night, he showed up for me when I told him I didn’t want him to. He talked to me, actually asked me how I was, and looked concerned when I told him it was a rough night.

But that’s not how it’s been. Lately, the second he opens his mouth, he fucks it all up. It’s still hard to hate the man, though. Although I’m biased because I’m in a constant loop of thinking about his tongue on my clit, or his cock inside me, even though those are the last things I should want.

Definitely not his cock.

Shit. I’m going crazy.

It’s my damn weekend—I’m supposed to be relaxing, cleaning my house, binging a smutty romance book, I don’t know! Anything but lying around on a pile of laundry thinking about the six-foot-four goalie with golden brown eyes and all the dirty things I want to do with him.

He’s the last person I expected to see last night. He has never been here before, so when I saw him with one of my patients, I was pissed. He was in my bubble, my space, and it felt like he was intruding.

But then I went over and heard them talking, saw the way he was interacting with Kennedy and her mom, and honestly, I was impressed. He did it with so much kindness—so much empathy—he was able to really connect with Kennedy, and it was so nice to see her with a genuine smile on her face. Denise told me all about how excited Kennedy was to meet him. Apparently, she loves watching hockey with her dad, so it was a nice bright spot in what had otherwise been a crappy day.

When Cade mentioned he could organize for some of the guys on the team to come to the hospital for a meet and greet, I knew it was something I wanted to set up as soon as possible. Kennedy needs something to look forward to, something exciting in her life, and what better than four professional hockey players visiting you and your parents?

Once I double-checked with her parents, I cleared it through all the right channels at the hospital and made sure everything was set up so there wouldn’t be a problem.

But of course, since the request came in my name and not Cade’s or the NY Cyclones, Dr. Dickhead had to be a huge pain in the ass.

That was until I kindly pointed out the names of the planned visitors and he shut right up. See, Dr. Dickhead is a huge fan of hockey, specifically the Cyclones, and he happens to be a season ticket holder. If we’re being honest, he also has a bit of a hard-on for Cade. I’ve overheard him talking about games, and all he does is talk about Cade Williams and how he’s the best goalie we’ve had in ages—how he walks on water and is basically the second coming of Christ. Or at least that’s how Dr. D makes it sound.

I still haven’t told him I’m friends with the guys, especially Cade. Figured I’d use that to my advantage when he really pisses me off or when I want to really piss him off. Either way.

“I can’t do this shit anymore,” I mumble, needing to get out of this apartment.

Rolling off my bed I grab my phone off the nightstand and open up my texts.

Anyone up for a walk in Central Park?

Ellie

We’re at Trevor’s parents for the day. Raincheck?

Definitely!

Cassie

When?

Nowish? I can’t lie on my laundry waiting for it to fold itself any longer.

Sawyer

I can be there in half an hour

Cassie

See you then!

Ellie

Have fun!

Changing out of my pajamas, which consist of the oversized t-shirt and panties I wore last night, I grab a pair of leggings and a sports bra and throw them on along with a thin sweatshirt and head out.

Walking through the park to our usual meeting spot, I immediately feel happier being outside. It’s a nice day—people everywhere, some running through the park or walking their dogs, and everyone just seems happy.

I want to be too. I want to be happy more than I can put into words, but right now, everything sucks, and happiness seems so far out of my reach.

I’m irritated that my parents are always too busy to take an interest in me outside of my profession. I don’t want them to take an interest in the Gwen who went to nursing school or the Gwen who works in PICU. I want them to like the daughter who loves yoga, reads trashy books, and binges reality TV. The daughter who loves any combination of chocolate and peanut butter and would eat cereal for dinner every night if it wasn’t frowned upon.

My parents have no idea who I am, and that alone is enough to depress me. Throw in everything with Kennedy—her slow, steady decline in kidney function and the steps we’re needing to take changing week to week at this point—and that’s enough to keep me up at night worrying.

Then, of course, there’s Cade. Which is why I called the girls. I honestly haven’t even figured out how to feel about everything with him, and I need help. Right now, I just know it sucks, but I can’t even pinpoint exactly what about it sucks so much. Is it because I want to hook up again? Because I regret it? Or is it because Cade is one of my best friends, someone who I’ve always felt connected to, and he fucked me and then left me, proving I’m really not worth anyone”s time outside of just getting what you need.

“Gwen, over here!” Cassie shouts from the bench, two iced coffees in hand, while Sawyer stands to the side on the phone, her emotional support iced coffee already in hand.

I wave and walk over, graciously accepting the coffee from Cass.

“Hey! Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.”

“Not a problem,” Cassie says. “Max is driving me crazy right now. Now that it’s the offseason, he has so much extra time on his hands, and he is a human golden retriever. He needs constant attention and snuggles.”

“That’s because he’s a pain in the ass, but you knew that before you started dating my brother, so it’s your own damn fault,” Sawyer says, planting her butt on the bench next to me. “How are you, though?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“Lies.”

“I don’t know, I guess. Everything is just kind of a mess, and I don’t even know where to begin,” I tell them truthfully.

“I have an idea. Let’s walk to Stella’s bakery, grab some desserts, and then I want to hear the whole story.”

“Fine. But I want one of her cinnamon rolls for myself. And a Danish.”

Once I’ve gottenmy pastries, I tell them about my phone call with my parents and my annoyance and disappointment with them. As I’m finishing my Danish, I fill them in on the basics of the Kennedy and Cade meeting and how we’re still hopeful we’ll be able to find a match for her.

“That’s a lot. You know how I feel about shitty parents; life has been so much better since I stopped giving mine too much airspace in my life,” Sawyer says. “It’s much easier said than done, but it made me a lot happier to put distance as well. There came a point when I realized I was mourning the reality of who I wanted my parents to be, not who was actually in my life. Once I realized that, I was able to grieve.”

That’s exactly what it is. I don’t need to cut them out entirely, but I do think I need to have a conversation with them. Let them know how I feel. And if they aren’t willing to make me a priority, then I’m not going to make them one. It sucks, and it’ll hurt, but I can’t just let them walk all over me anymore.

“I see what you’re saying. But you’re right—it’s much easier said than done. I’ll probably try to talk to them if they come visit, see what happens.”

“So, what are you going to do about Cade?” Cassie asks quietly.

“And that, my friends, is the million-dollar question. Do I keep avoiding him? Do I go back to just being his friend and seeing him when we all go out? Or do I try to crack his shell and see if he might actually have feelings for me under there?”

“Option C, but with a little spice,” Sawyer says with a smirk. “See, not only did I meet Cade’s sister, Kylie, but she gave me some insider knowledge.”

“What the fuck? Cade has a sister?” I ask as it becomes clear I don’t really know anything about Cade’s family. We never talk about our families, and it’s weird to know I’ve fucked this man and don’t know the first thing about how he grew up.

Not that you need to know that information about someone you fuck, but when it’s one of your best friends, you just kind of assume you know.

“Yeah. It’s a bit of a sad story. He has a brother and two sisters, but one of his sisters passed away about ten years ago when she was eighteen.”

“Oh my god,” I say. “Do you know what happened?”

“Kidney failure, she needed a transplant… and well, it never came. There’s more to the story, but she said it was Cade’s story to tell. I guess it fucked him up quite a bit, and he hasn’t been home in a while. It’s this big thing.”

My mind starts moving at a mile a minute, processing everything she’s saying as so many puzzle pieces start to fall into place. His inability to let anyone close? Check. His instant connection with Kennedy? Check. It breaks my heart knowing he went through all that pain and trauma as a teenager. If he hasn’t been close with his family in years… Do they blame him for her death? Or is he pushing people away because he blames himself?

“You look like you’re thinking. Are you okay?” Sawyer asks quietly. “I didn’t say anything wrong, did I?”

“No, not at all. I guess I’m just starting to understand him a bit more—things are making a little more sense.”

“Perfect. Because the rest of what Kylie told me has to do with you.”

“With me?” I ask, looking at Cassie, who just shrugs.

“Yeah… did you ever watch the movie Shrek?”

“I mean, yeah? Who didn’t?”

“You know how they talk about ogres being like onions? Having layers and whatever?”

“Umm… yeah? I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Cade is like that,” Sawyer says proudly.

“Cade is like an ogre?” I deadpan, watching her cheeks turn pink.

“No, no, no! He has layers like an onion. You just need to keep peeling them back until you figure him out.”

“I’m so confused. I think that was one of the worst descriptions ever, although if you peel back all the bullshit, I can kind of see where you’re coming from.” Cassie laughs. “But that’s just because I’ve seen Shrek a million times and actually know the quote. Basically, don’t give up—keep poking the shit out of him, and eventually he’ll crack.”

“So, you want me to beat the man down until he surrenders and lets me keep fucking him?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Sawyer says. “Kylie says he’s done this before—likes someone and then pushes them away. Based on the minimal conversations she witnessed about you, she definitely thinks you’re not in the friend zone—at all.”

“Well, I’m supposed to see him early next week. He and some of the guys on the Cyclones are coming to meet Kennedy and some of the other patients. I guess I’ll see how he acts then. He’s been hot and cold lately, and it’s getting on my nerves. One moment, he’s angry at me, and the next he’s flirty. I can’t keep up.”

“Just hold on, young grasshopper, be patient, and let’s see what happens.”

Much easier said than done.