Dirty Play (Empire State Hockey Series)

12. Cade

You guys are still up to meet at the hospital today, right?

Miles

Do you think we’d actually let a kid down?

I mean…

Trevor

Shut up. Of course, we’ll be there. I’ve already picked them up.

When I told the guys about Kennedy and her parents, they were immediately willing to come help spread some cheer. The four of us are planning to meet at the hospital to link up with Gwen, who will navigate hospital politics for us. We are going to spend some time with Kennedy and her family, along with other patients in the hospital who are interested.

My phone vibrates, this time from Harris in a separate message.

Harris

I wouldn’t miss today for anything, brother. Promise. I know I’ve been busy a lot lately, but I’ll always be there for you.

I’m not oblivious to why this means so much to you. Just know you can talk to me anytime.

Thanks. See you at four.

Harris is the only one of the guys who truly knows, damn, well nearly everything. Growing up as neighbors, he grew up close to my entire family. He knew Veronica very well, and her death hit us all hard. He watched me push my entire family away and, to this day, never repair those relationships. He’s tried to bring up the subject a time or two, but I squashed that years ago. My family is better off when I’m not around. They’re better off without me.

It’s not up for discussion.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder sometimes. The older I get and the more I learn, the more I’m starting to realize I didn’t know a damn thing at eighteen years old. Although I acted like I knew everything and made a lot of grown-up decisions, I wasn’t thinking about how many other people I was hurting in the process.

I may not take him up on the conversations, but knowing that he’s there is enough to make me feel less alone.

Walkinginto the hospital with the guys, our duffle bags are filled with all the signed swag we could fit. We are ready to make some people smile, starting with Miss Kennedy and her family.

Gwen has coordinated the whole thing for us, getting a gathering room where we can meet with them, which will give Kennedy time and space to talk to us and ask questions or whatever she needs to forget why she’s still in the hospital.

Even if it’s all I’ve been able to think about since I met her.

She’s fighting the same damn thing my sister did.

The same fucking thing I was supposed to save my sister from.

But then I had to go and be a selfish asshole and get hurt, leaving a perfectly matched kidney stuck inside my body.

I can’t keep myself from wondering if maybe, just maybe, I can help Kennedy now.

By the time we make it to the room, Gwen and Kennedy are waiting with her parents, who are sitting on the couch watching their daughter with proud smiles on their faces. Kennedy squeals the second she sees us, making us laugh. I’m sure you can hear it throughout the hospital.

The guys introduce themselves and tell a little bit about what they do for the team, which Kennedy quickly pointed out is highly unnecessary.

“So, do you guys do this often?” Kennedy asks.

“Do what?”

“Come and cheer up sick kids.”

Denise gasps, but Kennedy starts laughing before anyone can think she’s being serious.

“Sorry, my sense of humor is a little dark. I’m just used to saying what I feel… and right now, I’m a little bit over being the sick kid.”

“Well then, how about we talk about what we can do when you get out of here? If your parents are interested?” Miles asks, waiting for her parents to nod before handing her a jersey. “Maybe something you could wear this to?”

When she opens it up, she easily puts her previous squeal to shame. Miles brought her a signed jersey, as well as pretty much any other gear he could find in her size. He wanted to give options to his number one fan. His words, not mine.

“We’ll get you tickets—any game you want to come to, just let us know. Plus, once you get out of here, you can come down to the arena and we’ll give you a tour anytime, all of you.”

They chat back and forth about hockey and her playing soccer, and I can’t stay focused on their conversation because my eyes keep gravitating toward Gwen. She’s not working this afternoon; her shift starts later tonight, but she still came to visit and enjoy this time with Kennedy.

And she looks fucking hot in jeans and a t-shirt, her dark, wavy hair framing her bright, green eyes that keep bouncing back to me.

It’s good to know I have some effect on her, even if she’s barely speaking to me.

The rest of the visit goes smoothly. We meet some of the other patients, bring some fun team gear to pass out to, and leave some at the nurses’ station as a thank you.

It’s not until we say goodbye that I realize I need to do something.

“Hey, I’ll meet you guys out front,” I tell the guys as they walk down the hall toward the exit. Turning around, I run back toward the office, thankfully catching Denise and Josh still outside, while Gwen and Kennedy make their way back to Kennedy’s room.

“Hi, Cade,” Josh says when he notices me. “Did you forget something?”

“No, well, I guess maybe,” I say, stumbling over my words as I try to figure out how to ask this question. If it’s even appropriate for me to ask this question. “Uh, my sister went through the same thing Kennedy is going through, and well… I was a match for her. Unfortunately, I couldn’t donate at that time, and she ended up passing. But that’s not the point. I was, uh, wondering… I know you guys haven’t found a match yet… I’d like to get tested, if that would be okay with you.”

The moment the words are out of my mouth, tears well up in both their eyes— tears of both sadness and hope—and I know in this moment this is the right call for me.

“I—Are you sure?”

“Positive. I wish I could’ve done more to save my sister, but I couldn’t. And if I can help save your daughter, I’d really like to.”

Josh’s hand immediately stretches out toward me, shaking my hand and pulling me into a hug. Obviously, this is just about getting the testing done. There’s no guarantee or even a high chance of me being a match, but it’s something. I think this is the spark of hope they needed to realize you just never know when you’ll find that match.

“Thank you, seriously. For today—for making my little girl smile again. And hell, thank you for this,” he says, choking on his words.

“I do have one favor, though. It’s a little thing,” I say, nervous because I hate secrets.

“Of course, anything.”

“Can we keep this anonymous for now? I think by now you’ve realized that Gwen and I know each other outside of the hospital. She, uh, she doesn’t know all the stuff I just told you, and I’m not exactly ready to get into all of it yet.”

They exchange a glance, tiny smirks playing on their lips like they know an inside joke that I’m not a part of.

“Obviously, we will make sure to keep your name out of it. Although we’ll have to let Sally know. She’s the one who’s been in charge of the testing.”

“Actually, I’ll just head to the front and go check in with her now. Might as well see how quickly we can get this started.”

“What took you so long?”Trevor asks, leaning up against his truck.

To my surprise, Sally was at the desk when I went there, and she took me to get my blood drawn to start the process. I was in and out within ten minutes, so they haven’t actually been waiting all that long.

“Got caught up talking with Josh and Denise. Sorry about that,” I say, fidgeting with my watch, feeling a bit off for some reason. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Harris watching me, his eyes narrowed like he’s assessing me. And dammit, I’m not ready to talk about what I just did. “Wanna go grab some lunch? I’m fucking starving.”

“I can’t. Ellie has to work tonight, so I’ve gotta grab Addy,” Trevor pipes up.

“I’m in,” Harris says.

“I’m Trevor’s ride. Besides, I think I have a date,” Miles adds, unlocking his car with a grin.

“You think?” Trevor asks.

He just shrugs and laughs.

“Whatever, meet me at Rocco’s.”

Getting in my car, I lean my head back before looking at my phone and a text from Gwen I’ve been avoiding since we got outside.

Gwen

Thank you for today. It really meant the world to Kennedy and her parents.

Thank you for organizing it. They’re a sweet family, glad we could bring them a little fun, even for a moment.

Gwen

You’re a much sweeter man than you let the world see.

Shh… don’t tell everyone my secrets. That’s just for you.

Why am I smiling? And why am I saying shit like this?

What the hell is happening, and why am I starting to have feelings again?

I thought I pushed this shit down years ago.

We makeit through half a meal without Harris harassing me, but as soon as our entrées are in front of us and I’m about to take my first bite of delicious steak, he pounces.

“Look, we can sit here and pretend that nothing happened between you and Gwen, but I’ll be honest, I’m a nosy bitch and want to know. So, are you going to tell me what the fuck happened between you two, or am I going to need to make some phone calls or play twenty-one questions to get it out of you?”

I stop mid-bite, looking up at him with a glare, praying to whoever I can that he’ll just drop this. Harris has known me long enough that he can get just about anything out of me.

“We’ve all heard the buzz that something happened between you two. I can either believe the gossip the girls mention—that you couldn’t get it up and she left disappointed, or you can tell me your side of the story.”

“The fuck you mean I couldn’t get it up?! I doubt she was able to walk the next day without a constant reminder of what we’d done.”

Harris just laughs as I fall directly into his trap. Fuck my life—that sneaky ass.

“So, now that we’ve covered that part, what happened next? I mean, to me, it sounds like everything went well… You two have been dancing around each other for years, the tension had to snap at some point, and I bet it was hot.”

“Uh, we’ve barely talked since that night. We hooked up, it was incredible, and if she told you otherwise, I promise she’s lying. But as soon as she walked out of her room, I panicked. I felt like everything hit me all at once, and I was immediately in too deep. I needed to get out of there as fast as I could, which means I was an asshole.”

“So what? You just dipped out after fucking her? This is Gwen, you idiot, not some girl you picked up at a bar,” Harris snaps, his voice full of disbelief and a little anger that I’m not used to hearing from him. “That’s pretty cold, even for you.”

I should be offended, but he’s not wrong. I’m not exactly known as a warm and fuzzy guy, and he knows it. I’ve been the guy who’s gone to a girl’s house and then left after, but those were just one-night stands, expectations discussed up front. I wasn’t just a dick for no reason. But this time, I was, and it sucks. I’ve never intentionally hurt Gwen. I’ve sort of kept her in the safe zone, but I fucked up.

“Well… no. Okay, kind of?” I grumble, tugging on my hair before reaching for my water. “Look, we went back to her place, hooked up, and then when she came out of the bathroom, I told her it was a mistake, kissed her on the cheek, and went home.”

Before I realize what he’s doing, Harris grabs a dinner roll and lobs it directly at my chest. Reaching for another one, he throws. It hits me in the face before bouncing onto my plate.

“What the fuck, man?” I grumble, looking around to see if anyone else noticed, but they’re all focused on their own meals.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Harris says, grabbing his fork and knife and cutting into his rib eye, looking up at me with a mouthful of food—judgment clear as day. “And I’ve known you long enough to say that you know I love you like a brother but come on now.”

“I know. I’m a fucking idiot, it’s all I’ve been able to think about, but it wasn’t without reason—we both fucking know it. And because of that, I just don’t see how to fix it.”

He points his fork at me like I’m a petulant child about to get scolded. “Cade, it’s time you listen to someone for the first time in your life. Veronica would be absolutely furious if she knew this is how you were acting eleven years after her death. She died. You did not, so stop acting like a fucking martyr and actually enjoy your life.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“No, it’s not supposed to be either. Life isn’t fucking easy, but we don’t give up. We keep pushing through and fighting the battles we need to fight. I think it’s time you stop running from everything and face it head-on, starting with Gwen. You have enough people around you who care about you and want to help you be happy. You just need to stop pushing them away. Gwen cares about you more than you fucking deserve, and you’re an idiot to not see that.”

Before I can say anything, our server brings another round of whiskey for us, and I politely ask her to keep them coming.

“Look, Har, I know she cares about me, and I know I care about her, too. That doesn’t mean it’s worth risking it when I know I’ll just hurt her in the end. I’m broken, I’m fucked up, and we both know it. She deserves so much better than me. Besides, should we talk about our past? About running away from things that matter?”

“This is about you, not me. Stop trying to change the subject. Besides, that’s not up to you to decide, Cade. She’s a grown-ass woman who can make decisions on her own. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe it hurts her more that you won’t give it a shot? That she cares about you and wants to show you, but you won’t let her? Look, I don’t expect this conversation to make miracles happen, I just want you to think about it. Gwen’s miserable without you. Trust me, I know what that looks like. And your family, they haven’t been the same since you left. They’re absolutely destroyed without you. They lost Veronica—they didn’t need to lose you, too.”

His words sting, but it’s not enough.

“They have Kylie and Vince. My parents are fine without me. As for Gwen?—”

“You don’t seriously believe that bullshit, right?” Harris asks, eyebrows raised as he stares at me like I’m a fucking idiot. “Kylie and Vince lost not one, but two siblings when Veronica died. The same with your parents, all because you ran. You left by choice, and I may not be a parent, but to me, that’s an even harder blow to recover from.”

I just stare, feeling like he ripped the rug out from beneath my feet. My entire world has been flipped upside down as I realize there might just be some truth to his statements. Fuck. Harris isn’t supposed to be right, especially not about this.

I made the choice.

I thought that they would be happier, that they would thrive without me there to bring them down. I figured if I was here in New York, I could make them proud while not constantly reminding them how I couldn’t save my sister.

Growing up, my parents sacrificed everything for me to follow my dreams—sometimes working two jobs to help pay for my gear or whatever traveling we were doing that month. The least I could do was make them proud by becoming the best goalie in the NHL.

“Look, I know this is fucking hard to hear, and I’m not exactly being the most sensitive in bringing this up, but you need to really think long and hard if these are choices that you’re going to be proud of twenty years from now. Because if not, it’s time you start fixing it.”

“I—I don’t know.”

“Well, what about starting with Gwen?”

I sigh, leaning back and grab my glass, downing it as it’s immediately replaced by another. I watch Harris sitting there, but all I can think about are the choices I’ve made since Veronica passed. I left—ran away—because I thought it was the best way to protect my family… from me.

But was that the right choice? Was it worse?

Was it even my choice to make?