Chapter 10
CHAPTER
TEN
AFTER
H e was at practice again, this time wearing the uniform. I had to work through it, and it sucked. I hated having him here, in this space, so close to me. The coach had accepted his application, and three days later, here he was. At least he had the decency to keep his head down and not try to start a conversation with me. He even stopped calling me Atty.
I felt like a bomb waiting to explode. That’s how the rest of the team saw me.
I wasn’t used to getting scolded—not by my mom, not by teachers, and definitely not by my coach. Almost every day after practice, Hank and the coach called me aside to give me a good sportsmanship talk. They paired me up with Noah that first week. They thought it would help break the ice. I was serving, and he was supposed to receive. At first, he appeared nervous just being around me. Towards the end of it, I think he might have been just as pissed as I was. I had never been this aggressive with my serves, and he didn’t manage to catch one. I got told off that day after practice, but Hank didn’t pair us up again.
Ezra and Colin weren’t talking to him either. I expected it from Ezra; he didn’t like Noah. But Colin was a surprise. It surprised Noah too. He didn’t look happy the first days back. He was miserable, but it started getting slowly better, like everything did, if you gave it enough time.
That was until the first game.
We had a game with another school about three weeks after he started training—a qualifying match. I was a regular on the team, and Noah was an alternate. He didn’t play for the first set, and we won easily. When he got called into the rotation for the second set, I knew it would blow up in my face. Ezra got pulled out, and it threw my whole balance off. I was so used to him being there, like a safety blanket, and now it was like someone had yanked it away and thrown a snake in its place. I knew where Noah was, and I told myself all I had to do was throw it away from him. I kept the game from him, and the other team caught on. We started falling behind on the scoreboard, and I got more worked up. The coach called my name angrily several times, but I kept doing it.
When we reached the set point, Noah called for the toss. I knew it was the right shot, and I still sent it the other direction. We lost that set.
“Atticus, what the fuck?” Hank barked at me.
I stood there with my arms crossed. “Pull him out,” I said.
Hank turned away, refusing.
“You’re the one with the problem here, King,” the coach spat. “This is a team meet, a qualifying game, and you’re throwing a goddamn tantrum on the court.”
“It was fine when he wasn’t playing. You just have to pull him out. I told you I couldn’t play with him,” I insisted.
They both stood there looking at me.
“You’re out for the next set,” the coach said .
I gaped at him. What? “But I?—”
“I don’t care if you’re a better player. Right now, you’re a shit player, who can’t get his head on straight. You’re benched for the rest of the game,” he said.
I closed my eyes and exhaled through my nose. This wasn’t fucking fair.
“Coach.” Noah’s voice came as he walked over to us. His jaw was set, and there was tension in his shoulders.
“Step back, Rossi,” the coach told him.
“Pull me out,” Noah said.
“What?”
“Pull me out of the game. It’s my fault. Pull me out,” Noah insisted.
The coach turned towards me. “See? That’s good sportsmanship behavior,” he said.
I let out a bitter laugh. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I muttered.
“King,” the coach said, his voice full of anger.
“I’m not pulling out for the team. I’m pulling out for him. He doesn’t deserve this,” Noah said quickly.
I looked up at him.
“I fucked up, and he has every reason to be this upset with me. Pull me out. It’s not working.”
I took a deep breath and walked away from them.
“Att,” Hank called.
“I just need a minute. I’ll be right back.” I walked out of the court.
I headed towards the bathroom and turned on the tap. I hated this. Noah wasn’t supposed to be involved in this. Now, I felt terrible for him. I shouldn’t feel sorry for him. He did this. He messed everything up.
I splashed water on my face and turned off the tap. Noah was standing behind me.
“I’m sorry. We need to have this conversation. We need to hash it out. We just have to,” Noah told me, his voice steady .
“I’ve told you I don’t want to hear it,” I replied, trying to keep my tone cold.
“I’m trying to get my life back together. I’m trying really fucking hard, because I messed up, and it wasn’t just you. I messed up everything. I know you’re not going to forgive me, and I have to find some way to make peace with that, but I need you to let me try to get my life back. This stupid game isn’t just important to you. You don’t have to forgive me, and you don’t have to stop hating me, but please just let me get my life back,” he pleaded.
I looked at the sink before closed my eyes. He deserved my scorn, right? He did. It was his fault. But seeing him now, so earnest and broken, stirred up a storm of conflicting emotions. I had an overwhelming desire to turn and hug him. Of course, he wanted to get his life together. He should be doing just that. I didn’t want him to be miserable. I just wanted him to go back in time and not break my heart into a million pieces. I didn’t want to hate him. All I ever wanted was him. Still, it was horrible to know the real reason why he had come back, that it had nothing to do with me.
“I can’t be around you. I’m supposed to be over you. It’s been two fucking years. I can’t keep doing this. I’m trying here too. I’m trying not to let this get to me, but you always get to me,” I said.
Silence.
I opened my eyes and glanced back at him. His green eyes were wide, and his lips were parted, the vulnerability on his face almost unbearable.
“Atty, do you still?—”
“I told you not to call me that,” I said.
He clamped his lips shut. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you and make you hate me. I told you that. I knew this was going to happen,” Noah said.
“This didn’t just happen . You did this, Noah. You can’t get away with blaming all your problems on your mental health or what happened to you. You fucked up.”
“I know I did. I’m sorry,” he tried again.
“I don’t know how to handle this. I sure as hell didn’t know how to handle you. I was in love with you, Noah,” I said and turned to look at him.
His expression was one of raw, unfiltered pain, and it mirrored my own. “So was I,” he said.
We stood there for a while, just listening to the rush of water through the pipes and the dull cheers on the other side of the doors.
“I wish you would have stayed gone.” Silence met my words. I could see how much they hurt him. “I won’t keep being an asshole during volleyball, but stay away from me otherwise,” I asked, and he agreed.
I walked out of the bathroom and back towards the court. I apologized to the coach and Hank, and they let me back on.
I needed to snap out of this. Noah just wanted to move on, and I’d be damned if I was the one staying in this state forever. If he could do it, so could I. I wanted my life back too.
So I played.
I was still miserable.