Echoes of Us

Chapter 15

CHAPTER

FIFTEEN

BEFORE

M y mom was pissed. After the party at Ezra’s house, I forgot to close the door to my room and woke up way too late. When I left Noah’s room, she was already in the kitchen, her face tight with irritation. She scolded me for breaking her rules and warned me that if it happened again, Noah would have to leave early. New Year’s Eve was tense after that. It didn’t help that Noah had a terrible hangover and could barely conjure up a smile. We still managed to have an okay time, and by the time the new year rolled around, my mom was on her third glass of champagne, and Noah and I got to kiss at midnight.

The rest of the break was slightly less eventful. Noah still sneaked into my bed at night. He saw Chase and Sarah again without any setbacks. Noah left the day before me, and I was terrified when I left him at the airport. He promised he would be okay and called me when he landed. When I got home, my mom decided to give me a safe sex talk. Then she told me she was worried about me. She thought Noah was great, but he seemed to be going through something, and she was worried we were moving too fast. She said something that stuck with me: she thought we were holding too tightly to each other, like we were both scared of letting go. I thought of the fear that gripped me as I left him at the airport and knew she was right.

When I landed, I didn’t even go to my dorm; I went straight to him. I arrived late, and we barely talked. I just stumbled into bed, relishing the freedom to be as close as we wanted again. Noah surprised me the next morning, having gotten groceries the day before. When I returned from my run, he was up and making breakfast. After I showered, I found him dancing slowly to the music playing in the background while he cooked in the kitchen. He was still in his boxers, moving with an effortless grace. He threw a smile my way and kept doing what he was doing. I sat on the counter and watched him, biting back my smile.

“Are you impressed with my househusband skills?” he asked.

I chuckled as he bit his lip. He turned his back to me, scrambling eggs in a pan and bouncing softly. I watched his back as he worked, then ventured over to him, wrapping my arms around him and listening to him singing under his breath.

“I’m very impressed.”

He kept dancing in my grasp, and I kissed his cheek. He stepped back, and I leaned on the counter as he served the plates. He turned to me with a smile, wagging his eyebrows. I laughed. He left the pan in the sink and jumped on the counter, pulling me closer and kissing me.

“You’re in a good mood.”

“It’s nice to be back here with you.” He guided me closer with his legs .

I melted into him, grabbing his thighs and wrapping them around me. I kissed his neck, and he kept singing.

“You know, this could be our song.”

I looked up at his smile. “It could?”

“You’re too sweet for me, Atty.” He ran his tongue over his lip and bit down on it.

I kissed him, and he tangled his fingers in my hair, keeping me close. He kissed me deeply, pressing himself against me. I had gotten used to him doing that before I spent an hour trying to pry him off me.

“I have classes.”

“Cut it.” He licked my lips.

“It’s the first class back, Noah,” I argued.

“Exactly, you’ll have many more. Stay with me, Atty. Let’s make the best of your easy mornings,” he said, causing me to chuckle.

“Noah.” I couldn’t muster the strength to say no and leave. “What about breakfast?”

He bit down on my lip. “Fuck breakfast, I want you.”

I agreed wholeheartedly.

He pulled on my shirt, getting me out of it. “You feel so good out of the shower, though I’d like doing this right after your run too.” He leaned down to kiss my neck, his short nails running over my shoulders.

“Seriously?”

“You look hot as fuck sweating like that,” he whispered in my ear, and his words went down to my groin. He kissed me harshly, and his hands went to the fastenings of my jeans.

“What are you doing?”

He pushed me back, jumping off the counter and getting down on his knees.

“Noah.” My eyebrows shot up.

He just smiled and started licking me over my boxers. Fuck, that felt good. He barely tugged them off and reached his tongue, licking over the head .

“Oh god.”

“Just me.” He smirked as he pushed my boxers down. His hand stroked me and, a second later, his mouth.

“Fuck.” I leaned against the counter and closed my eyes. He was so good at that. Whatever he missed in technique, he made up with enthusiasm. It was like he loved doing it, making it ten times better.

He grabbed the base of my cock and sucked me as far as he could go. I felt the back of his throat and moaned. He let go with a pop and stood up before me, pulling me down by my neck and kissing me.

“Come on, take me to bed.”

We half walked, half stumbled, lips on each other, as he kept his hand on me, stroking firmly, and I tried to kick my jeans off. We got to the bed, and he pushed his boxers down before pulling me to him.

“Atty,” he said.

“What do you want?”

“Suck me off.”

I pushed him back on the bed.

“Wait.” He reached to his nightstand. He pressed something into my hand: lube.

I gave him a look.

“Use your fingers too.”

I swallowed thickly. “Like, inside of you?”

He nodded and dropped back on the bed. I followed him, kissing his lips hungrily. I started stroking him, and he relaxed with a satisfied sigh.

“Are you sure you want me to?” My voice sounded husky to my own ears.

“I’m fucking sure. I spent yesterday jerking off thinking about it.”

Warmth went through my body, my eyes widening at his words. He let out a laugh at my reaction. I didn’t know how he managed to say things like that with a straight face .

“Did you try it out? With yours?”

His grin widened. “Mhm. I bet yours will feel much better. I love your hands,” he murmured, gasping as I tightened my grip. “Come on, Atty, get on with it,” he urged petulantly. “I want you to get me off.”

His words sent a jolt through me, my body responding eagerly. I licked my lips and took him into my mouth.

“Fuck, you’re so fucking good at that.” He groaned as I started to move over him, savoring the taste and feel of him. “Go a little slower. I don’t want to finish too fast,” he added, his voice strained with pleasure.

I pulled back slightly, teasing him. “You need to make up your mind. Do you want me to get on with it, or do you want me to go slow?” I smirked at his indecision.

The sound of his laugh vibrated through the air. “Both,” he declared, moaning again as I resumed my movements.

I reached for the lube, clicking the top open. He giggled at the noise, a sound that seemed so out of place yet perfectly natural for him. I coated my fingers and reached towards him. He flinched at the cold contact but quickly relaxed.

“Noah.” I wanted to make sure he was comfortable.

“I want you to do it, I swear. It’s just cold,” he reassured me.

I stroked him with my free hand, circling the tip of my finger around him. I watched closely as I pressed the tip in. His mouth fell open, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. I pushed deeper, feeling the tight warmth surrounding my finger. When I moved further, and he hissed, his body tensed.

“You’re meant to be blowing me while you do that. Get your mouth back here,” he commanded, pulling me by my hair.

I obeyed, taking him into my mouth again. He moaned, relaxing back into the bed as I pressed deeper. This was new territory for me, an experience I was navigating with instinct and desire rather than skill. Most of what I had done to Noah was based on poorly researched porn and Google searches. He hadn’t complained so far; in fact, he seemed to enjoy it. But right now, I was flying blind. The sensation of feeling him this intimately was starting to mess with my head—and my body.

I set a rhythm between my hand and my mouth. Noah’s moans grew louder, his hips rocking down to meet my movements.

“Is that good?” I glanced up at him. He looked incredible, his head arching back, lips parted, a flush spreading across his cheeks.

He nodded, eyes half-closed in pleasure. “Get another one in,” he urged.

I licked my lips, took him into my mouth again, and added a second finger.

“Oh fuck.” He whimpered, his voice weak as I tried to keep my fingers steady.

His hips lifted off the bed, and I worked to keep him distracted with my mouth. His hips fell back onto the bed as he relaxed, adjusting to the new sensation. When my fingers were fully inside him, I began to move them again, his groans music to my ears. He tightened his grip on my hair, almost painfully holding me down.

“Noah,” I released him momentarily. “I know it feels good, but you’re going to rip my hair out.” I let out a soft laugh, seeing him looking wrecked, panting heavily, his torso arching off the bed, head shaking from side to side.

“I’m sorry, fuck, Atty,” he said, almost feverishly.

“Does that feel good?” I resumed my movements.

He assented, pulling my head back down. “Please keep going. Please,” he pleaded.

I sped up my movements, pressing harder. Noah practically screamed, his hips lifting off the bed and bucking into my mouth. I pushed his hips back down, feeling him tremble as he chased the sensation. The way he clenched around my fingers was dizzying. I wanted to be inside him, to feel him moving like this against me. His legs shook, his moans growing louder. His hand tightened in my hair again as he bucked his hips. I felt the heat of his release in my mouth and tried to swallow around him.

I moved away, taking him in with his head thrown back, breathing heavily. He was so fucking beautiful.

“A little warning next time.”

He let out a strangled laugh. I slid my fingers from him, grabbing my shirt to wipe them clean. I climbed onto the bed, over him, kissing his neck.

“I’m sorry. I swear I couldn’t even help it.” His face still awash in the afterglow of his orgasm. “Was it terrible? It just felt so good,” he murmured, his eyes half-lidded with satisfaction.

I shook my head, feeling a smile tug at my lips. “No, you just surprised me. It wasn’t bad,” I reassured him, watching his face light up with relief.

“That’s good to know.” He chuckled as I pinched his side playfully. “Give me a minute to pull myself together, and I’ll get you off,” he promised.

I rested my head on his shoulder. “Was it that good?” I shifted beside him.

He trailed kisses along my collarbone and reached down to stroke me. “It was fantastic.” His voice filled with genuine appreciation.

I sighed contentedly as he moved over me, his grip firm and possessive.

“I swear I’m sure you’re lying to me about being a virgin,” he teased.

I laughed softly.

He leaned in closer, his breath warm against my neck as he kissed his way up to my ear. “You know,” he whispered seductively, “we can just fix that right now. You already got me ready for you. ”

His words sent a shiver down my spine, and I pushed him back slightly to look into his eyes. He wore a smile, but his gaze was serious.

I cocked my head. “Noah,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

He tightened his grip on me, his eyes locked onto mine. “Come on, you mean to tell me you haven’t been dying to fuck me, too?” He started to pick up the pace.

I placed my hand over his, stopping him. “Noah, are you serious?” I searched his face.

He licked his lips. “I’m serious,” he confirmed.

“We’re supposed to be going slow.”

“We can have slow sex if you want to,” he said with a playful grin.

“Noah, come on.”

He shrugged, removing his hand from me. “I’m not kidding, Atty. I want this, but it’s up to you.”

This was too fast; we had only been dating for a month.

“What are you worried about?” he asked softly.

“You,” I admitted, and the smile slipped from his face immediately.

He sat up, his posture stiff. “Oh, okay.” He pushed off the bed.

Panic surged through me. “No, Noah, come back.” I grabbed his arm before he could leave. I pulled him towards me, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t mean it like I didn’t want it to be you. You know I want it to be you. I just don’t want you to burn through me, Noah. This is a big deal to me, and the thought of you getting bored and dumping me afterward terrifies me,” I confessed.

His shoulders relaxed, but he was still frowning.

“You were the one who told me that’s what you do. I was supposed to keep the pace.”

His eyes softened. “I could never burn through you, Atty.” He leaned his forehead against mine .

“But you said?—”

“I love you,” he interrupted.

My heart stopped.

“I told you this is different for me. You’re different for me. I’ve never felt this way about anybody. I know I’m a lot,” he continued, his words tumbling out as he searched my eyes.

I tried to make sense of what he was saying, trying to see if he was lying.

“I know that and that I have a million things to figure out and that my life is a fucking mess right now, but feeling like this about you is the only thing that’s clear to me.”

I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see the lie. I was struggling to find it, but it wasn’t there. I reached up to touch the side of his face, pulling him towards me, and kissed him. He melted into me, his body fitting perfectly against mine.

“I love you too,” I whispered against his lips.

His smile grew in time with mine.

“You’re not lying, right?” I asked, my voice quiet.

His eyes were filled with sincerity. “I’m not lying. I love you,” he repeated, kissing me deeply.

I moved back to the bed and brought him with me, burying my face in his neck and hugging him tightly. Joy surged through me. He made me so incredibly happy.

He shifted to lie beside me, and I climbed over him, pressing kisses to his lips.

“I have never been this happy to be with someone,” he murmured, making me smile even wider.

“You’re not just saying that to get me to have sex with you?” I asked.

He grinned. “No, I really do want to have sex with you, but if you want to wait, that’s fine too. I wouldn’t say that to get you to do it. You’ll give in eventually, whether I say it or not,” Noah said.

“Really?” I raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me. You can keep up the angelic act all you want. I know you’ve been imagining everything you want to do to me. You wouldn’t be so good at it if you hadn’t,” he said, catching me there. “Plus, my birthday’s in two weeks. You can just gift me your virginity,” he added, barely managing to say it before cracking up.

“You’re the worst.” I bent down to kiss his neck, feeling the rumble of his laugh against my lips.

“You still love me, though,” he said, calming down.

I leaned on my elbow, looking down at his smiling face, and ran my thumb over his cheek. “I do.”

He kissed me again.

“What do you want to do for your birthday?”

“Apart from having sex with you?” he asked.

I poked his ribs, making him laugh again.

“Holly’s throwing me a party on Friday. For my actual birthday, we can just stay in and do this, order food, whatever.”

“A party?” I grimaced.

“Yeah, but it’s a party with me, and it’s my birthday, so I get to climb over you and kiss you with no objections on your part. Plus, I’m allowed to drink legally now, so it’s fitting,” Noah said.

I shrugged.

“It’s a going-out party, too, not on campus.”

“I’ll get carded,” I pointed out.

“Have you seen you? You won’t get carded, and if you do, I’ll bribe the bouncer and get you in,” he assured me.

“Really?”

“Yeah, what’s the point of having a trophy boyfriend if I can’t show him off?”

“Fine, I’ll go,” I conceded.

As if there was any chance I would miss it.

That week with Noah felt like a dream. Each morning, I woke up, went for a run, and returned to him making breakfast in his underwear, music playing softly in the background. He’d kiss me before I left for class, sometimes more passionately than others. Whether I arrived on time or late depended on how much I could resist him. On the days he showed up for training, we walked back home together, his hand in mine. When he didn’t, I came back to the apartment to find him waiting for me. We’d go out for groceries or a walk and eventually end up back at the house, kissing and touching each other until we fell asleep, usually while watching TV. I brought enough things to Noah’s apartment on the weekend to merit a drawer in his closet.

Wrapping myself in him was effortless.

He had become the center of my world, and everything I did revolved around him. I didn’t see Colin or Ezra much outside of training or the gym, but Ezra was nicer to him, which was a relief. Noah told me I could have them over at the apartment if I wanted, but having them there felt weird. I knew they thought we often spent the night together at his place, but they didn’t know it was every night. Plus, I usually played video games with them, and Noah didn’t have a PlayStation, so the TV was in his room. I pointed that out to him, and the next day, when I got to the house, he had bought a TV for the living room, complete with his own PlayStation. After that, we spent the afternoons playing until Noah got bored and climbed over me.

Thursday came, and everything changed. Noah wasn’t in the kitchen when I returned to the apartment after my morning run. I heard him talking in one of the other bedrooms before I showered. I made breakfast and set a plate for him, but when he finally wandered out, he barely glanced at me before retreating back to his room. Concerned, I followed him and found him rummaging through his clothes.

“Are you okay? ”

He glanced at me and nodded, but he wasn’t smiling.

“Did something happen?” I tried again.

He grabbed a shirt and jeans and strode to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I stood at the doorway, confused. I had never seen Noah like this. He was clearly in a bad mood. The only time I had seen him close to this was after the call with his mom before he disappeared for a week.

I started getting worried. He took his time in the bathroom, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave for class. So I sat on the bed and waited for him to come out. When he did, he looked surprised to see me.

“What are you still doing here?” He was still too serious.

“I wanted to check if you were okay.”

He trudged towards his closet again, avoiding eye contact. I frowned and stepped to him.

“I told you I’m fine.”

I nudged his face, making him look at me. His eyes were red. He pulled away and clicked his tongue.

“You don’t look fine.”

He left the room, and I followed. He leaned on the counter and took a deep breath. “I need you to leave me alone, okay?”

“Noah, I’m worried about you. Tell me what’s wrong,” I insisted, placing my hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged me off and served me with a look that reeked of annoyance. “I need space. I need you to give me space.”

“You need space?” I echoed, incredulous.

“Yes.”

“You, the person who doesn’t let me leave for class and sleeps like we’re one pretzel, need space?” I asked.

He glanced away.

“I don’t get it. Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” I pressed.

“I don’t have to tell you everything,” he snapped.

“Is it something with your mom? ”

He closed his eyes, ran his hands through his hair, and stepped away again.

“The last time something happened with your mom, you started using again, and the last time I saw you like this, you turned into a vegetable for a week. I think I have cause for concern.”

“You’re not my fucking keeper, Atty.” He stormed out to the terrace.

I took a deep breath. I moved towards the terrace and stood at the door. Noah was leaning against the far wall, looking out.

“I was just worried about you. You don’t have to act like a jerk because I want to know what’s wrong. If I had been locked in the bathroom for an hour and looked like I’d been crying, you’d want to know what was wrong and be there for me. That’s what I was trying to do. I’m going to class. You can text me if you want.” I stormed out too.

I was angry with Noah, but I was worried too. I spent the day glued to my phone, waiting for him to text and tell me he was okay. He never did. He didn’t show up for training and wasn’t there when I got to his apartment. I tried calling him, but he wouldn’t pick up. Desperation set in after a few hours. I called Colin and asked him to give me Holly’s number. I called her and got no answer. Funny, considering she was always looking at her goddamn phone.

At seven, the elevator chimed, and Noah sauntered in. I approached him, and he glanced at me before heading to the kitchen.

“Hey,” he said simply.

I turned on the lights, and he made a face.

“Noah, where the hell were you?”

He grabbed a bag of chips and a beer. I stood in his way before he could leave the kitchen. His eyes were half-lidded and red. He was stoned.

“Out,” he answered, pushing past me .

Fine. I dashed towards his room and grabbed my bag. I picked up my phone from the couch and slung my bag over my shoulder. Noah was sitting on the couch, eating chips.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving.” I headed for the door.

Noah got up from the couch and followed me. “Why?” He looked alarmed.

“Like you want me here? Don’t you want space?”

He strode over and grabbed my hand.

I snatched it away.

“Stop being like that. I told you I just needed to be alone for a bit.” Noah put the bag down, rubbed his face in his hands, closed his eyes tightly, and then focused them on me. Or at least that’s what he tried to do.

“You’re the one who needs to snap out of it, not me.” I turned towards the door again.

Noah grabbed my bag and held me back. I let it fall into his grasp.

“I’m not playing this game with you, Noah.” I stepped into the elevator. I saw his unfocused face for a second before the doors closed.

I lumbered back to my dorm, pissed and confused. Noah had never treated me like this. I had never seen him be this serious or this mean. It was like looking at another person.

When I got to the dorm, I tried distracting myself, but part of me just wanted to run back to him and make sure he was okay. Spending the night without him terrified me, especially with him acting this way. At ten, I tried to go to sleep, but I just stared up at the ceiling, feeling hollow and restless. Maybe I needed to do something differently. I could go back and make sure he was okay. Perhaps I was being harder on him than necessary. Maybe he just needed me and didn’t know how to ask for it.

I stared at my phone and considered calling him again when I heard a knock on my door. Noah was on the other side. His eyes, more focused now, still held a trace of turmoil.

“Can I come in?” His voice was soft and hesitant.

I took a deep breath and stepped aside. He walked in, and I closed the door behind him. He moved closer, and I stepped back, shaking my head slightly.

“What’s going on with you?” I sat in my desk chair and turned on the light. The yellow glow cast long shadows across the room, highlighting the strain in his expression.

“I’m sorry about today. I’m sorry, Atty, I’m not used to having someone around when I’m going through something,” he ended with a shrug.

“What were you going through?”

He sighed deeply and sat on the bed, leaning on his knees, his shoulders hunched.

“Shit with my mom, things I need to get done. I have to fly to Seattle to sign some papers because I’m turning twenty-one, and now I’m legally responsible for everything,” he explained, his tone weary.

“Why couldn’t you tell me that instead of making me feel like shit all day?” I asked.

His gaze dropped to his lap, his fingers nervously fidgeting.

“I spent the day worried about you, waiting for you to show up. I got Holly’s number and called her when you didn’t. It’s not fair, Noah. I know you’re going through something, and I know things with your family are hard for you, but you shouldn’t take it out on me. It’s not fair,” I told him, my voice firm but tinged with hurt.

“You’re right.” He moved towards me, kneeling on the floor and looking up, his hands resting gently on my thighs. His eyes looked red-rimmed again. “I don’t know how to do this sometimes, being with you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t want you to keep seeing this side of me. I only want you to see the good things, but the shit just keeps coming up with you, and I’m scared you’re going to bolt.” He was struggling to get the words out.

I touched his face and leaned towards him. “I’m not going to bolt, Noah,” I told him gently.

He met me halfway, pressing his lips on mine. He climbed over my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, holding me tightly. “I’m sorry.”

I sighed, holding him at his waist. “Maybe I shouldn’t be staying at your apartment every night.”

“We can stay here tonight if you want,” he offered, his tone hopeful.

I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to relent. “No, Noah, I meant we shouldn’t sleep together every night,” I clarified.

He moved back to look at me, a deep frown etching lines into his forehead. “Why?”

“What do you mean why? You told me today you needed me to leave you alone, that you needed space,” I reminded him.

“But what about the pretzel sleeping?” he asked, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Despite myself, a smile crept up my face. Noah laughed first, and I followed, the tension easing between us.

“You’re fucking insane. Did you know that?” I asked him.

“I know, I’m sorry. I like sleeping with you. It makes me feel safe,” Noah admitted, leaning his forehead on mine.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he slid his hips closer to me, closing the distance between us.

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I love having you around all the time. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I don’t. I’m sorry I got in this shitty mood with you. You’re right. It’s not fair.”

I relaxed, the knot in my chest loosening. This was more like it. “I hated you turning on me like that,” I told him quietly .

He grabbed my face and made me look at him. “Please don’t stop staying over. When I get like that, I just need you to give me room, but not like I want you to leave the apartment. Move to the other room, or something. Let me come down from it and find you.”

Maybe I had pressed too hard. “Okay.”

Noah pressed closer and kissed me. “I love you.”

I smiled, feeling the overwhelming warmth those words had brought to my chest.

“I love you, too, even if you are crazy,” I told him, and he sniggered. “So we’re staying here?”

“Yeah, let’s sleep in your tiny bed,” he whispered, slowly kissing my cheek, moving down my jaw to my neck, pressing his lips over my skin. “It gets a little hot, so we might need to take off all your clothes.”

“Noah.” I groaned.

He smirked and rested his forehead on mine, running his tongue over his lip. I leaned closer to him and chased it into his mouth. He made an appreciative sound and kissed me back, his fingers diving into my hair and holding me close. These things with Noah always went from one to a hundred during one kiss.

I touched the skin under his shirt and ran my hands over his back as he nibbled on my lip before sucking it into his mouth. “Hold on to my neck.”

He broke apart to look at me for a second, puzzled. “What?” he asked but still complied.

I grabbed his thighs, reached under his legs, and pushed up from the chair. His eyes doubled in size as he tightened his grasp around my neck, surprised by the sudden movement. I moved towards the bed and dropped him on it, climbing over him and kissing his neck. He captured my face, drawing me back towards his.

“You just carried me,” he said, still looking surprised but smiling .

“Yeah, I did,” I replied, kissing him again.

“I’ve never done that before. No one’s ever carried me like that before.”

I smiled against his lips. “You liked it, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I really fucking liked that,” he admitted.

“I figured you might, considering you like to be on top of me all the time,” I teased.

He tittered, his legs tightening and pulling me down on him, his hands firm on my back. “That’s not true. I like you being on top of me too. You’re so heavy.”

“Why do you like that?”

“I don’t know. It feels manly. You’re a very manly man. I like that a lot,” he told me.

I kissed him again. “You’re a manly man too,” I pointed out, as he arched under me, trying to push himself closer.

“Not like you. I’m not heavy at all, and guys always hit on me. They can tell. Nobody can tell with you, except me.” His face was smug.

But I just blinked. “What do you mean guys hit on you all the time?”

“Why? Are you jealous?”

“Well, a little,” I admitted with a frown.

He leaned in to kiss me.

“It’s pretty bad seeing girls hit on you. I don’t think it’d be better if it were a guy. In fact, I’m sure it’d be a lot worse.”

His laughter vibrated against my chest. “I like that.” Our gazes met and held as he ran his tongue slowly over his lip. “My big, manly man, who carries me around and gets jealous when people hit on me,” he continued, giving me a flirty smile that killed me. “I love that,” he whispered.

“You’re insane, Noah.”

He laughed loudly as he threw his head back. I took advantage of the angle to kiss his neck again.

Managing Noah went back to being easy, at least for that weekend. On Monday, he had to fly to Seattle to sign some papers. He returned the next day, but I still stayed at his apartment that night, missing him. When he came back, I could tell he wasn’t in the best mood, so I decided to do what he asked and give him space. I didn’t leave his house, but he stayed in his room while I waited outside, playing video games. After a while, he came and found me. He crept slowly towards me, sitting down and tucking himself under my arm. He stayed like that, and I waited for him to talk.

“Atty, can you stop for a second?”

I paused the game. “What is it?”

He moved closer, his eyes downcast. “I need to talk to you about something.”

My nerves settled in my stomach. I started to pray he wouldn’t tell me he’d used again while he was there. I knew, honestly, I wouldn’t be able to stick to my word of breaking up with him. “Okay.”

Noah stayed quiet for a long time, taking deep, measured breaths before speaking again. He moved away from me and leaned his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been having a hard time lately. The thing with my family, papers, and lawyers. I’ve been missing my dad a lot.” The last part came out almost like a whisper.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he looked away. “I’m sorry, Noah.”

“Sometimes missing him feels a little numb, you know, like it’s not there. But other times…” He paused, searching for the right words.

I moved closer, making sure I didn’t miss anything.

“Other times it feels like there’s a crack in me, like something broke, and I can’t put it back together.” He clicked his tongue, trying to fight his emotions.

I reached for his hand and clasped it in mine.

“When that happens, my mind goes in one of two directions. I either don’t want to feel anything, and I’ll do anything to make sure that happens, or I’ll drown in it and make it a million times worse. The result isn’t pretty with either,” he explained.

I nodded, understanding more of what he was going through.

“Right now, I’m standing at the precipice again, and I don’t think it’s ever been this bad, because I think time isn’t helping this heal. It’s making it worse. The more time goes by, and he’s not here, it’s…” He paused again, his breath shaky. “It’s not getting better.”

“Thank you for telling me.” I squeezed his hand gently. I could tell how difficult this was for him. Noah wasn’t used to opening up, dealing with his feelings, or sharing them with anyone. “What are you thinking now?”

“That I’m pretty close to fucking things up,” he admitted honestly.

Fear gripped me again. I never knew how to handle Noah when he was like this.

“Can I help?” My voice was tentative at best.

He turned to face me. His eyes were red, and he was upset, but he was here, not running away.

He grabbed both my hands. “I’m trying hard not to fuck things up this time, Atty. I don’t want to ruin things with us, so I need to ask for something from you. And I’m not sure if this is the right way. I’m just trying not to mess it up.”

“Tell me,” I urged him gently.

“You help. Being with you really helps, much more than I can explain. When you came here and found me, nobody had ever been able to pull me out of this like you. I guess I’m asking if…” He hesitated, searching for the right words, but I was nodding anyway. “I need to hold on to you a little tighter—not forever, just enough to get me through this.”

“What does that mean? ”

He seemed lost as he shrugged. “I know my grasp on you is already a little too tight, and I don’t want you to feel…”

“What?” I prompted gently.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m suffocating you,” he finished, his eyes searching mine for reassurance.

“I won’t feel like you are, Noah.”

“I’m serious, Atty,” he insisted, his voice laced with need.

“I know you are. You can hold on as tightly as you want. I’m not going to bolt. I told you already.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

“I’m really sure.”

He almost smiled. He grabbed my neck and maneuvered himself over me, moving his legs by my side and his arms around my neck. I hugged him back, thinking about how used I had become to him climbing over me like this. Noah was already pretty loose with his boundaries, and part of me worried he hadn’t explained exactly what holding on tighter meant to him. Still, a more significant part of me was relieved he had talked about it—that he hadn’t been using and wasn’t planning to. That his solution to this was me, not getting shit-faced or treating me like crap.

“I love you, Noah. I want to be here for you. I promise I won’t leave you, okay?” I said.

He tightened his arms around me. “I love you too.” A little breath of silence elapsed between us. “Can you hug me harder?”

I did as he asked, and he exhaled, relieved.