Chapter 16
CHAPTER
SIXTEEN
AFTER
L ife went on. I thought that night with Noah would break me, but things slowly started improving. It wasn’t that I didn’t miss him anymore; it just stopped hurting so much. Knowing that he was hurting, too, that he still loved me, made it better. I didn’t feel like an idiot for being unable to get over this quickly. The fact that he struggled just as much as I did validated my feelings, making it clear that this whole relationship wasn’t just in my head. I wasn’t sure if this was the right way to get over him, but it felt better.
A couple of weeks later, I was at the library with Georgia, one of my classmates, looking for a book we needed for the study group. Georgia sauntered ahead of me, her determined steps echoing slightly in the quiet space, while I idly scanned the rows of books, my thoughts drifting.
“I don’t get it. They’re never where they’re supposed to be,” she complained .
“Every time,” I replied, half-smiling at her exasperation.
“I wouldn’t bitch about it if the books were in the right spot,” she continued, her eyes scanning the shelves. “We’re about to cross over to English literature while looking for a book in game theory. How does that make any sense at all? Just because Jordi, who’s a fucking stoner, goes with the flow. You can’t go with the flow with the Dewey Decimal System, Att,” she huffed, the annoyance clear in her voice as she rifled through the book titles.
I followed her across the aisle and suddenly spotted Noah sitting with Holly at a nearby table. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. His face was serious, his brows furrowed as he spoke. He didn’t see me.
I kept walking after Georgia, hiding behind the shelf, and sighed deeply. “Damn it,” I muttered under my breath, the familiar ache of seeing him tightening in my chest.
“See? I’m not the only one annoyed,” Georgia said, stopping near the corner to look at the books.
I leaned my back against the bookcase, the cool wood pressing into my spine. Seeing him around felt strange. There was no animosity between us, but we weren’t anything to each other either. I wondered if it felt strange for him too.
“I don’t want to go out with her.” Noah’s voice floated over from the other side of the shelf, and my heart stopped at his words.
“You’re being so annoying today,” Holly replied.
I stared at Georgia. She was about to say something, so I tugged on her shirt and held a finger to my lips. Her eyebrows knitted together, confused
“It’s boring as fuck. I hate her,” Noah said.
I felt a pang of pain. I pointed towards the shelf, mouthing “my ex” at Georgia, and saw her eyes widen before she mouthed “Noah.” I started moving, but she held me by my shirt to stop me .
“Definitely annoying. Then just date someone else and stop complaining about it,” Holly said.
Georgia smiled excitedly. I pointed at the exit, hoping she would understand that we should leave, but she shook her head and held me there. She pointed at her ear, and I rolled my eyes, feeling trapped between my curiosity and my better judgment.
“I don’t want to date,” he said again.
“Oh my god, Noah, I’m going to walk out of here.” Holly was clearly annoyed.
“I’m just frustrated,” he argued.
Holly snorted a laugh. “Sexually frustrated,” she noted.
Georgia’s eyes widened in glee. I didn’t need to be listening to this.
Noah grunted in response. “She spent last night going on for hours about some class she was taking in philosophy, and I heard all of that just to have what was probably the most mediocre sex of my life.”
I felt the burn of his words in my stomach. I pulled at Georgia again, and she gave me a sympathetic shrug but refused to budge.
“Psych majors are the worst,” Holly agreed.
“I hate this,” he said.
“I’m begging you, please stop whining.”
I grasped Georgia’s arm again, desperate to leave, but she held her hand up at me to wait. I did it again.
Noah groaned, frustrated. “Fucking Atticus.”
I stopped in my tracks, both of our eyes widening at the sound of my name.
Holly sighed in exasperation. “Here we go again,” she muttered.
“He ruined sex for me.”
Georgia’s smile grew impossibly wide as she covered her mouth. A smile tugged at my lips too .
“It’s my punishment for being a fucking psychopath with him, I’m sure.”
“Here’s a revolutionary idea—if you miss having sex with him so much, why don’t you stop trying to get off with a girl and try with a boy instead,” she said.
Georgia pressed her lips together, clearly holding back a laugh.
“It’s not any better. It’s easier to compare him to other guys. Drawing the parallel is all I can think about, and it falls flat. Plus, I’ve never been into a guy like him. It feels weird. Girls are easier.”
I smiled some more, and Georgia gave me a thumbs up. I tried not to laugh.
“Right, so girls don’t do it for you, guys don’t do it for you. Why don’t you go with option C and try to patch things up with the source of your frustration?” Holly said.
I gave Georgia a surprised look.
“Atty hates me,” Noah said.
The smile dropped from both our faces. He sounded sad.
“You know that, everybody knows that. Just because he’s tolerating my presence doesn’t mean I have a chance.”
I felt that little stab in my chest again.
“Noah, he’s not over you. You’re very clearly not over him, either, and Atticus is so fucking hot it’s not even fair. Talk to him, tell him about it. Maybe he’ll say no at first, but he’s a little slow. He’ll start thinking about it. Maybe there’s a chance. Then you can stop moping in your apartment listening to Chicago.”
My heart was in my throat. I wanted to walk away again. I didn’t want to listen to his answer.
“I’ve tried talking to him, Holls. You know I’ve been trying for months. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. Besides, he’s getting better. At least he doesn’t look at me like I’m killing him anymore. I don’t want to keep screwing him up. ”
This hurt.
“You haven’t been getting better. You’ve been way worse since the party at his house.”
“That was just… He needed… I don’t want to talk about this anymore. This wasn’t even the point.” He sounded frustrated.
“Atticus is always the point, one way or another,” Holly said.
Noah sighed. “I just need to get over it, too, and it’s not my fault. ‘Hard to Say I’m Sorry’ speaks to my soul right now…” He walked away.
I didn’t hear Holly’s response or the end of his sentence.
I looked at Georgia, and she gave me a shrug. She seemed like she was sorry.
“Can we leave now?”
“Look at the bright side, Att,” she said with a small smile, “at least you ruined sex for him.”
I smiled back.
That shouldn’t feel as good as it did. I knew Noah was looser with these things, and he was out there in the world getting laid and not just thinking about us. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one struggling with that. Everything bad that happened between us was never related to physical things. Noah and I had great chemistry in that department. At first, I thought it was because I liked him so much and because he was my first everything.
Now that I had tried dating after him, I knew it didn’t come along so easily. I understood why he told me it was different; we were different. I didn’t think anybody would ever compare to him, and I hoped I was wrong.
Still, it was nice knowing he felt the same way about me.
After that day at the library, I noticed Noah looking at me much more. Maybe I had been purposefully trying not to see it before. During training, I often caught him staring at my legs or arms. His gaze was serious, a startling difference from the playful glances he used to give me. Before, he would always bite his lip around a smile or wink at me. I thought he didn’t think of me like that anymore, but after overhearing him, it was easier to pick out.
One day during training, I heard Hank talking to Noah about his receiving technique. Hank said he needed to keep practicing and up the challenge. Noah nodded along as Hank mentioned the serve of another team that had bested Noah in our last game. He wasn’t wrong; Noah had never managed to catch mine.
“I’ll help.”
They both turned to me, surprised.
“Seriously? That would be great, Att,” Hank said, then paused and stepped closer to me. “Just don’t make it personal.”
I nodded, remembering the last time we had tried this. Noah was very unconvinced, shaking his head as he walked to the back of the court. I took my position and noticed his eyes drifting down to my legs before I aimed for him. The ball hit the side of his arm and bounced. He closed his eyes in frustration.
“Again.” I prepared to serve again.
His eyes drifted down once more just before my aim. He missed. He ran his hand through his hair and moved back.
“Again,” I repeated.
He leaned on his knees, trying to focus. Right before I hit the ball, his eyes landed on my shoulder. He missed again.
I stopped. “Noah.”
He looked at me, upset and frustrated. I walked towards him, and he met me halfway.
“Yeah?” he asked from the other side .
“You keep losing focus before I hit.”
He glanced away, nodding with a frown.
“Pay attention to the ball and what I’m doing—all of me, not just a part. You keep focusing on just one thing.”
He scrunched his nose before nodding. I moved back to the other end, knowing that gesture meant he was embarrassed. He scratched his head and patted his face with both hands, trying to focus.
“I’m going to aim for you,” I told him.
He took a deep breath and leaned on his knees. I rolled my shoulders back and saw his eyes rise to follow the movement. I stopped and smiled at him, bewildered.
“Noah,” I called out.
His eyes moved to my face, widening a bit. I pointed down at the ball.
“Sorry,” he muttered, running his hands through his hair repeatedly, leaving it tousled. He shook his head and leaned again. “I’m ready, go.”
I tried not to smile and served again. His eyes focused on my face, and he missed again. He cursed under his breath. It wasn’t my serve throwing him off; it was me. I stood there, looking at him. He paced for a bit and then refocused.
“Again.” He bent his knees.
I called Hank over. “I don’t think it’s my serve. Can you try? Aim for his left? That’s where he misses,” I suggested. I stepped away, seeing Noah’s confused face.
“Ready?” Hank asked.
Noah focused on him. I watched as Hank aimed and Noah calculated before stepping quickly to his left, bending down to catch it easily. They both turned towards me, and I tried not to smile.
“I don’t think I can help.” I scratched my nose self-consciously and kept my voice down.
“What is it?” Hank asked .
I glanced at Noah. He glanced away, shaking his head. I shrugged.
“I can’t help,” I repeated.
Realizing this didn’t help, I started getting anxious around Noah again. Being aware of myself felt odd, because I knew he was looking at me. I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Even though I could concentrate on training much better than he could, I started looking back at him without intending to. I was much better at schooling my face and not giving it away as easily as before, but I could tell Ezra knew something was up.
Whenever something broke Noah’s focus and I noticed, I bit back a smile, only to catch Ezra looking at me closely. This became the new normal. We had a practice match with a local team after a few increasingly tense afternoons. The game wasn’t very challenging, and we played well together, despite Noah’s distraction. Then, the coach called for a timeout, and we huddled.
I grabbed my water bottle, listening to Colin and Ezra absently. I unscrewed it and took a drink. Looking back down, I noticed Noah’s eyes on me before he quickly turned away. Colin asked me something, and I closed the bottle. I tried not to look at him. I went for another drink, but I must not have closed it properly, and halfway through, the bottle opened and spilled water all over me.
“Shit.” The cold water soaked my shirt.
“What the hell was that?” Colin asked with a laugh.
“It didn’t close right.” I shook my shirt and tried to remove the excess water.
“Do you have a spare?” Ezra asked.
“Yeah, it’s in my bag,” I replied.
He strode over to get it.
“A towel too,” Colin called out, laughing at the puddle on the floor.
“Shut up,” I told him .
Ezra handed me the shirt and towel, and I bent down to clean the floor before handing the towel back to him. I shoved my wet shirt off, and I heard a sputter, followed by a cough. I turned towards the noise, seeing David patting Noah’s back as he coughed, holding up a hand. David guffawed, glancing back at me before leaning closer to Noah and saying something that made Noah shove him back. I pressed my lips together, trying not to smile. I watched Noah again as he said something to David, which made him laugh. Noah gave a brief shake of his head and turned towards me, flustered. This time, I couldn’t help it. A smile grew on my face before I looked away. I cleared my throat and tried to school my features again. Ezra gave me a puzzled look but I didn’t respond.
Hank called us and we went back to the court. I took my place in front of the net and glanced to my left at Noah. He gave me a curious look, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He moved a step closer.
“Focused?”
He clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes. A small, uncertain smile tugged at his lips. “I’m fine.” He bit his cheek and placed his hands on his hips.
“You look a little—” I took a moment to study him, “—rattled.”
His eyebrows shot up, and he let out a surprised laugh. “Fuck you,” he muttered, making me laugh too. Noah smiled and looked away, shaking his head. He stepped back to his mark, running his tongue over his lip, still smiling despite his frown. He seemed to want to say something else, but hesitated. It was a strange look on him. I was used to Noah acting on pure impulse.
“Sorry,” I said with a shrug.
“I am.”
I turned to him, puzzled. “What? ”
He smiled again. “Rattled.” He shrugged.
That familiar smile, the one I knew by heart—Noah pressing his lips together, lifting his shoulder, fixing his eyes on mine before looking away—he was flirting with me. My stomach flipped, the thrill of seeing that look again coursing through my body. I focused on the net. I didn’t say anything before the game resumed, but I knew he saw my smile.
After the game ended, we changed. Noah gave me a tentative smile before Ezra placed a hand on my shoulder. He wanted to talk, so we left before the others. When we were far enough, he gave me a look.
“What?”
“What is going on with you and Noah?”
“Nothing.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Nothing? With the smiling and laughing?” he pressed.
“It’s nothing,” I repeated.
Ezra stared at me.
“What?”
He stopped walking. “Att, I know Noah stayed at our house the other night. I got the notification from the door on my phone. He left at six a.m.,” he added.
I shrugged. “I talked to him, but nothing happened. He just slept over.”
He was still unconvinced.
“Colin said it was a good idea. For closure.”
“Yeah, to get over him, not to get back together with him,” he retorted.
“Ezra, I’m not getting back together with Noah.”
“Are you sure about that? Because you’ve been looking at him an awful lot lately.”
I glanced back at the gym and then at him. “I’m sure about that. I overheard Noah talking the other day about me and that conversation we had, and it just…”
“What?” Ezra pressed .
“I didn’t think he was still hung up on me. I thought it was just me. I thought he felt guilty about what he did to me, but I didn’t think he was going through the same thing,” I explained.
“I told you he wasn’t over you.”
“Yeah, but you could have just been saying that to make me feel better. I don’t want to get back together with Noah, but it feels nice not feeling like I’m the only one in this dump of a situation.”
“Do you remember who put you there?”
That hit home.
“Noah put you there. You’ve been miserable for most of your college years over Noah. Noah, the same guy you were just flirting with in there. This is the same person that dumped you by leaving a box of your things on his front door.”
“I got it, Ezra.” I was definitely feeling the weight of his words.
“I’m not telling you this to hurt you, Att. You just have a habit of ignoring what’s right in front of you with him. I don’t want to see you go through that again.”
“I know.”
“You can smile at whoever you want, Att, including Noah. Just don’t fall for it again,” he warned.
“He’s not…” I stopped. “I’m not falling for him being charming. I’m not falling at all. I talked to him to let him go, but we got close again, and he was honest. It’s just nice to know I mattered. That it wasn’t because I was disposable to him. It’s nice to know he’s still watching me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about it.”
“It looked like you were. I’m guessing Noah is thinking the same thing right now. His eyes were glued to you for the rest of the game.”
I clicked my tongue, ignoring how good it felt to hear that. “I heard you, okay? ”
He sighed. “You know I have a low tolerance for that guy, but even I can tell he’s changed, and I don’t think you were ever disposable to him, but…”
“But what?”
“He’s still Noah,” he finished.
I thought about that for a while before nodding. I knew what he meant. Seeing me heartbroken for a long time couldn’t have been easy, and now I was smiling back at him. Noah had so much power over me. I honestly thought I was past the worst of it. I thought I might have some power over him too.
Now, I wasn’t sure. It only took a couple of weeks of him looking at me to forget everything he put me through. I wasn’t ready to forgive him for it all.
I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be.