Chapter Five
Damn, damn, DAMN. Brandon knew he shouldn’t have accepted Tash’s invitation. Of course, Tash would want to know why Brandon had left the meeting last night, racing through the doors like a bat out of hell. Brandon knew he’d been wrong—his precipitous exit had only made everyone curious, but he couldn’t help himself; the mere mention of the police had rattled him so badly he couldn’t think straight.
With practice he’d spent years perfecting, he stared straight into Tash’s eyes. “I’m sorry. It was wrong for me to bail on all of you. I had a run-in years ago with the police, and I’ve been wary of them ever since, even though I know they’re here to help.” A fine sweat broke over his body, and his hand shook. Some coffee slopped over the side, onto his pants.
Tash moved over and handed him a napkin but remained disarmingly near. Having held those around him at bay for years, Tash’s proximity overwhelmed Brandon; his normal steady rhythm played out of sync.
“You don’t seem the type who’d stay scared forever. If there’s anything I can do to help you, let me.” Tash’s eyes glowed behind the glint of his glasses. “Can I? Help you, I mean? Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Tash laid a hand on Brandon’s shoulder. It remained there, warm and comforting. The air around them swelled with sounds: Brandon’s rapidly beating heart, the pulse of blood singing through his veins, Tash’s gentle breathing. A yearning welled up inside Brandon, and all he wanted was to be held. The loneliness he’d lived with most of his life had bled his soul dry. He hadn’t felt this desperate since the night Luke told him Ash was never coming back.
But as much as Tash tantalized, Brandon could ill afford to open up and let him in. “I-I’m fine, really.” His weak grin didn’t seem to fool Tash, who gazed back at him with skeptical, knowing eyes. “Honest. Why don’t you tell me about the program now? I know I should’ve stayed and listened instead of bailing. I’m sorry.”
Tash patted his shoulder and removed his hand. Immediately Brandon regretted the loss of his touch. “Don’t worry about it. I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk, okay?”
“Sure.” Nice as Tash seemed, Brandon didn’t put much stock into his words. Everyone who’d ever promised to be there for him had let him down in some way or another.
“How about we talk now and I can tell you what I’m planning; you’re still interested, right?”
“Of course.” Brandon stroked the soft fur of one of the cats, the rumble of her purring vibrating through his fingers. It was true what they said about animals; they did relieve stress. His racing pulse and frantically beating heart slowed as his fingers slid through Cleo’s plush velvet coat. At least he thought that was Cleo. “I don’t want you to think I’m not interested. I have several kids I’m concerned about. They get bullied constantly because they do their homework and like school.”
“That’s not cool for most kids, right?” Tash relaxed back onto the sofa, and the other cat, annoyed at being ignored, stalked over to him, claiming a place of honor on his lap. Brandon couldn’t help but watch Tash’s long fingers slide over the cat’s sinewy frame and wonder how those hands would feel against his own skin.
Guiltily, Brandon’s face heated, and he returned from his daydreams to concentrate on the conversation. “It’s unfortunate, but you’re correct. These two boys I help after school are intelligent and so eager to learn. Their parents have done so much to help them, yet at school they constantly get teased. I’m afraid if they don’t have a safe place, they’ll give up and fall into the cycle of drugs and violence.”
“And you won’t let that happen, will you?” The confidence in Tash’s voice surprised Brandon.
“No. No, you’re right; I won’t.” He couldn’t let those boys be subjected to the constant barrage of criticism and insults he heard some of the other kids whisper in the halls. “I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to these kids.”
“I have an idea.” Tash rubbed his jaw. “You should come with me to the shelter and meet Wanda.”
“Who’s she?” Brandon couldn’t keep up with all the new people he’d met over the past few days. “Was she there last night?”
“No. But she’s the heart and soul of another project intimately tied up with this one. She can introduce you to the people from the shelter she runs, as well as take you around the community center. These boys sound like they’d be perfect for the Center if they can come.” Tash lifted the cat from his lap and placed him on the floor. Caesar stalked away, his tail sticking straight up like a flagpole. Free to move, Tash took his coffee mug and a biscotti. “When Jordan and Luke come home from Europe I know they’ll want to meet everyone involved with the project.”
“Jordan’s the doctor, right?” His heart gave a funny thump when he heard the name Luke. “Who’s Luke?” Hoping against hope, Brandon’s voice trembled. There had to be a million Lukes in the world, but maybe…
“Yes. Jordan Peterson and Drew are best friends, along with Mike Levin, the other man you met last night. Luke Conover and Jordan are a couple.”
Brandon’s frantic heartbeat slowed. Conover, not Carini. Of course it wasn’t his Luke. How stupid to think it might be. “Sure, I’d be happy to meet them.”
“So, you’re in, then? I’m glad. I really do think you’re a perfect fit for the group.” Tash dunked his biscotti in his coffee. Fascinated, Brandon stared at Tash’s mouth as he chewed, swallowed, then licked his lips. He couldn’t ever remember being this turned on by another person. This couldn’t happen. Tash was being kind to get him to help with the program. He was an incredibly attractive man with a life and a family. Brandon was probably another project to take on.
“What? Yeah, sure.” He wanted to help; it was the reason he became a teacher. And Brandon hadn’t survived for this long without keeping his wits about him. If the police needed to be involved, he’d make himself scarce, come up with excuses. As long as the kids needed him, he’d find a way to help. Their welfare was paramount in his mind.
“What had you so worried; will you tell me? Maybe I can help.” Once again, Tash moved closer. “Talk to me. I’m not here to judge or hurt you. It’s my job to help people.” Once again, he placed a hand on Brandon’s shoulder, and Brandon shivered. The simple act of Tash’s hand on any part of his body sent unfamiliar sparks through Brandon. His mind might not understand, but his body did. And his body wanted Tash.
“I already told you.”
Tash shook his head. “You can trust me, you know. I’d never reveal anything you tell me. You may not be a patient of mine, but I would consider anything you told me privileged.”
Everyone Brandon had ever trusted had let him down in some way or another, whether by their own fault or outside influences. The last person he’d trusted was Gabriel, and he’d died. Brandon didn’t know who to blame in that instance since he’d stopped believing in God years before.
Tash meant well, and Brandon couldn’t deny he was incredibly attracted to him, but wanting to kiss someone and trusting them were on two opposite sides of the spectrum.
“I told you; it was silliness on my part. I’ll work through it.” Changing the subject, he pressed Tash for more information. “Can you tell me what I missed after I ran out of the meeting? I’d love to hear more about your mentoring program and how I can help.”
For a moment, Tash stared at him, and Brandon thought he might balk and continue to question him, but instead, he gave him a wry smile.
“You’re like me. When you don’t want to talk about something you change the subject. I have a good idea.”
Brandon watched a light spark in Tash’s eyes and girded himself for whatever he was about to suggest. “Ok, tell me.”
“Well,” he began, stroking the cat who’d once again jumped into his lap looking for attention. “Everyone goes to Drew’s grandmother’s house on Sunday for dinner. The guys keep a very close watch on her.”
“Not understanding what this has to do with me but that’s nice.” Brandon took a sip of his coffee, waiting for Tash to finish speaking and make a connection.
“Yeah. Anyway, that leaves the help lines at the Clinic pretty sparsely manned. We got lucky and a doctor joined us, a relationship psychologist named Noah Strauss. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of him but he’s got a radio show Sunday evenings. Would you want to come with me and man the lines?”
“A chance to help questioning kids or someone asking for help? That sounds exactly like what I’d be interested in.”
A smile lit up Tash’s face. “Perfect. I can meet you there at ten a.m. on Sunday. I bring bagels, and there’s coffee, so we’ll be all set.”
Seeing the lengthening shadows on the wall, Brandon knew it was getting late and time for him to go back home to his dreary studio. From the pictures on the table and fireplace mantel Brandon viewed Tash’s past: him laughing with a group of friends and also his family. A typical life but one he’d never known. What would it be like to have people who cared about you? The only memories he had were of Luke holding him tight, telling him not to be afraid, or his foster mother’s tear-stained face giving him a hug before bed after escaping his foster father’s rage.
Not all memories were pleasant, and sometimes they deserved to be forgotten.