Estranged Heart

Twenty-seven

Elijah

After checking on the restaurants and helping bring in inventory at the bookstore, I return home to straighten my house. A pink and white object catches my attention in the kitchen by one of the chairs and I bend down to retrieve it, going still when my fingers come in contact with the soft cotton yarn. A beat later, I pick up the washcloth and Silas’s smiling face comes to mind.

I texted him last night after acting so coldly toward him at his house when his mom mentioned all his new preferences. Landon loved lavender and chamomile tea too. There have been several instances where I’ve heard or felt Landon in him, and I admit I’ve tried to hang onto them, but I don’t want to let any part of Silas go either.

Besides, he can’t have Landon’s heart. If he did, that would mean . . . A sharp sensation pains my stomach. No. I ball my fist around the washcloth. Silas would never be a part of something so vile. He doesn’t strike me as a person who’d have someone killed to save himself. Yeah, he’s lied and cheated, but he isn’t a murderer. My breaths become shallow as my chest squeezes tighter around my heart and I toss the washcloth on the bed. I don’t like where my mind is going and how it’s starting to add up all the small coincidences.

“It’s not his heart,” I say out loud. “It’s not.” I ball my fists at my sides, not sure what to believe anymore. The pull I first felt when I met him and when I ran into him at the lake . . . It was hard to ignore. Then I got to know him and kept coming back because of how damn good he felt. Silas was the sunlight I wanted to lie under, the fresh air I wanted to constantly breathe in, and the guessing game I can’t stop playing. I think . . . no . . . I know I’m falling in love with him.

Not because of the similarities, but because of all those emotions he shares with me. Those big smiles, joyous laughs, and the way he can turn so much of the negative into positive in an instant. My world felt like it was losing color until him, and I can already feel it fade away with every thought of him being the man I hope he isn’t.

My phone rings, shaking me from my reverie, and I reach for it. The police station number showing up on the screen prompts me to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Pena?”

“This is he,” I say a little too quickly, walking in circles.

“You have time to meet me at the station? We have new information regarding your husband’s case.”

My steps come to a halt, and my heart speeds up. “Yeah, of course. I can come there now.” I look at the time and relief floods me when I see I have another two hours until I have to pick up Silas. None of these meetings have run long and I doubt this one will either. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up only to be told we were no closer than we were before.

I leave the washcloth on the bed, enjoying how that bit of Silas looks on my side. Maybe this doesn’t have to be as hard as I’ve been making it. Out of habit, I straighten the comforter on the mattress. No one sleeps in here anymore so I don’t know why I bother. I guess because I know Landon would appreciate it. I don’t have to let all of him go to be with Silas, and I don’t have to walk away from Silas in order to continue loving a man who’s no longer here. He’ll always be a part of me and the person who showed me how to love to begin with.

After I shut off all the lights, I head for the station, turning on the radio to distract me on the way there. I can’t stop wondering what the new evidence is and keep pleading in my head, “Please have nothing to do with Silas.”

I sit in the car, debating whether I should go in or not. What if they really did find evidence worth noting this time? Do I really want to know what it is, or is it better to sometimes live in the dark?

I squeeze my eyes shut and then open them again, slamming my hand on the wheel. I have to know. Either way, I have to know who’s responsible for Landon’s death, no matter how much the truth could destroy me.

Taking deep breaths, I step out of the car and glance up at the sun peeking out from behind the clouds before walking inside. A cop greets me at the front desk, telling me to go on back and I do, looping around a row of desks. I know this station like the back of my hand at this point and could no doubt find my way around the building with my eyes closed.

The detective is sitting behind his desk when I reach his office, clicking away at his mouse. He quickly stands when his gaze lands on me, gesturing for me to come in. “Mr. Pena, please have a seat. You’re really going to want to sit for this one.”

“Yeah, okay.” Hope and fear dance around in my heart. He lowers himself into his seat after me, spreading his fingers out on his desk to bring himself closer.

“It turns out you were right about the hospital. There was an unauthorized transplant that took place there by a Dr. Cole.”

Blood pumps in my ears. “And? Did you find him?”

“We did.” He lowered his head, scrubbing at his jaw. “But he was already dead by the time we reached him. I guess he was threatening to rat out whoever was running the operation out of fear for his family.”

My heart falls into my stomach. Figures we’d get so close only to take three steps back again. “You don’t know who else worked with him that day?”

“No.” He looks up at me again with turned-down brows. “Unfortunately, his name is the only one on the form aside from the patient.”

I scoot to the edge of the seat, anticipation causing an uncomfortable itch to spread along my skin. “So you know who got my husband’s heart?”

“Not exactly. We think a false name was jotted down to protect all involved. We haven’t been able to pull up anyone with that name who matches all the other information on that file. All we know is he’s a male in his twenties.”

“So why tell me to meet you here when there’s no new information linking the men who did this?”

“We’re so close. I know we are. But if this operation is as big as we think it is—”

“Then we’re basically fighting a losing game. I don’t care. I want you to keep going anyway, taking down as many of these fuckers as we can.”

“We’ve been after this organization for years and I want nothing more than to bring the whole damn thing down, but these cases take time.”

“And it just so happens to be something I have a lot of these days.” I stand from the desk, shoving the chair forward, and the loud bang startles him. “Next time, call me when you actually have one of these fuckers in custody.”

With a ball of rage and fury expanding inside me, I exit the room before he can respond. The door shuts hard behind me with one swift pull of my hand and I storm out of the station, wasting no time getting in my car.

My phone lights up on my seat and a message from Silas waits for me. A part of me considers canceling, but the other part needs to be anywhere but my house right now. Anywhere that won’t remind me of the disappointing news I received today. To this day, it’s hard to believe all of this is happening. Out of all the people in the world to take, why Landon? What do they do, lay out photos and bios of prospects, allowing a buyer to choose which one sounds more appealing?

My pulse pounds in my ears, dread filling me when my mind wanders off in the wrong direction instead of holding on to the excitement of going skating with Silas. I think about Landon’s cold face and unconscious body. That look he had in his eyes, full of fear and horror.

Jaw clenching, bile rises from the pit of my stomach and I pound my fists on my steering wheel. Even the picture of his smiling face on the dash changes—lips turning purple and chapped, hair charred, and skin blackened from his chest down. My stomach lurches and a soft sob crawls up my throat, my chest feeling like it’s been clawed at. I can’t move for a long time, sitting in my car until raindrops tap the windshield. Landon hated the rain, and he’d hate me sitting here remembering him this way too.

With slow movements, I reach for my phone and I have more than one message waiting for me. All from Silas.

Silas : I have my skates out of the box and ready to go.

Silas : It was probably a bad idea for me to try them on while unsupervised.

Silas : I tried to break them in before you got here but I think I broke my body instead.

A soft chuckle I didn’t think I had in me breaks free from my lips and my phone vibrates again.

Silas : I hope you’re on your way and only ignoring my messages because you don’t want to delay your drive here.

Me : I’m coming, Sunshine. I was in a meeting and didn’t have my phone on me.

Silas : See you when you get here then. Hopefully by the time you get here I’ll be able to peel myself from the floor.

A laugh erupts from me.

Me : Take the skates off and back away. Save it for the rink. We’re going either way. Whether I have to carry you around in my arms all night or not.

Silas : And all that makes me want to do is keep falling before you get here so you have no choice but to carry me around all night.

Me : You don’t have to hurt yourself for me to carry you all night. Say the word, Sunshine, and you won’t have to use those legs of yours ever again when you’re around me.

Silas : Stop texting me and get here already.

My chest feeling lighter, I set the phone down and exit the small parking lot. Picturing Silas falling and laughing gets me through the drive to his mom’s house. He’s waiting for me on the front steps when I arrive and jumps to his feet when his gaze lands on me, wearing a big smile on his face. I don’t want to be left with only photos in order to see those lips spreading wide and eyes lighting up. That’s why I showed up. I have the ability to see him this way in person anytime I want and I no longer want to take that for granted.

Lifting his skates off the ground, he hurries my way and slides into the car, setting them by his feet. “Hey. You’re five minutes late.”

“Yeah, well, I would have been on time if someone hadn’t kept sending me diary entries of his skating endeavors.”

He stifles a laugh, tangling his fingers in mine, and more tension in my body breaks. “Everything okay?” He studies me carefully.

“It will be, I think. Just one of those hard days, you know?” I’m not ready to tell him about what really happened to Landon. It’s not the right place or time, and I’d rather not sour our moments by bringing up what I tried to leave at the station. Uneasiness doesn’t fully let up inside me, though, lurking at the edges when we reach our destination and after we have our skates on.

Once Silas drags me onto the rink, rolling forward way faster than he should, the discomfort wanes as we smash into each other and fall to the ground. With laughter rolling between us, we try to stand but just land back on our asses. Leaning on the wall, I manage to pull myself to my feet, and once I’m steady enough I reach for Silas’s hand, helping him off the floor.

“Easy now. Let’s start off slow this time, Speedy Gonzalez.”

“Sorry. I trusted my newly learned skills more than I should have.”

Looping my arm around his, I press a kiss to his cheek. “Sometimes it does feel better to dive in head first.”

“It has worked out for me pretty well lately, so I guess I decided to keep going with it.” His lips turn up into a smirk.

“Maybe let’s not do it when we both have skates on,” I mock, poking his side and he squirms. Slowly moving one foot in front of the other, I roll him with me, and after two loops around with minimal crashes, we find our stride. By the end of the hour, Silas is skating in zigzags and circling around me.

“Want to see if you can catch me or are you going to keep being Mr. Play-it-Safe?” he says in a teasing tone.

I’ve been playing it safe most of my life, and Silas smiling and fake reeling me in with those magical hands of his makes me want to do the opposite and get caught in the throes of danger and bad decisions.

“You better hope you’re as fast as you think you are,” I challenge him, skating fast his way, and he loops around, gliding further away from me. Laughter falls behind him as he speeds up, swerving between other people, and right as I’m close enough to reach his arm, I lose my balance a little. Arms flailing, I steady myself on my feet and speed after him again. I lunge forward, shoving him into the wall and we both crash to the ground, rolling on the floor.

A tangle of arms and legs, we grab on to anywhere we can to pull ourselves up, laughing harder when Silas falls back in my lap. Wrapping my arms around him, I kiss the nape of his neck and slide him to the ground beside me.

“How about I sit here and you use me to stand up?” I offer him my hand and he takes it, his eyes shining.

“I guess we can try that.” Gripping my hand tighter, he rolls to his knees and presses one foot to the floor at a time, slowly straightening his stance until he’s standing all the way up, looking down at me.

Hand pressed to the wall, he helps pull me to my feet, and grabs on to me when I start to roll in the wrong direction. My chest crashes against his, pinning him to the wall, and his eyes fix on mine, his warm breath ghosting my lips.

“Looks like we caught each other,” he says, voice hoarse.

“Looks like it,” I say back lamely, my fast heart rate slowing down my breathing. And this is why I keep taking all these risks. To land me back here, caught in those deep blue eyes and at the other end of that easy smile.

Lips tilting, he rolls back a little, dragging me back to the center and I come willingly, being pulled by more than his hands. We roll around the rink for another hour, sharing more laughs and talking about whatever comes to mind. Then, legs tired and stomachs growling, we grab burgers from the food court.

“This wasn’t so bad, was it?” Silas shoves a fry in his mouth, locking legs with me under the table.

I glance down at our tangled limbs, smiling around my straw, and shake my head. “Not at all. At least not after the fifth time hitting the ground with my ass.”

He chuckles, gathering his trash. “Don’t worry. I’ll rub it for you later.” His eyes grow dark with seduction as he sips on his drink. His tongue swirls around his straw, his mouth sliding up and down.

My cock twitches and fire roars in the pit of my stomach. He inserts the straw further into his mouth, adding a little suction. He’s torturing me and is very well aware of the fact with his shit-eating grin. Did Stacey see this side of him? Jealousy knots in my stomach and then I remind myself where I am. Here in front of him, experiencing everything she now gets to miss.

“You’re playing a dangerous game right now, Sunshine.”

“Am I?” He lifts his head, his eyes glinting.

“Very. You might want to lay off that straw and rest that mouth for later. With all that teasing you’re doing, it’s going to be very hard to give you any breaks.”

His breath hitches, and his tongue darts in and out of his mouth. “I think I’m ready to go back to your place and watch those movies now.”

“And I’m ready to see how much you’ll cling to me during all those scary scenes,” I say in a low tone.

He’s out of his seat in a matter of seconds, tossing our trash out and beating me to the front entrance. I laugh, catching up to him, and when we step outside rain drizzles above us. Grabbing his hand, I drag him across the parking lot, picking up my steps when the rain pours down harder.

Silas holds me in place with him, smiling up at the sky, and releases my hand to spin around. Tilting his head further back, he opens his mouth and laughs at the sky, lifting up his hands.

“You’re going to get soaked,” I shout.

Bringing his face back down, he smiles. “Good.” He laces his fingers in mine, swaying us back and forth. “Ever dance in the rain before?”

“No. It was never something that crossed my mind.”

“I thought about it every time I watched rainfall out my window. What I’d give to do so many things people loathed. To have the chance to loathe them too.”

He spins around some more, raindrops splashing over his skin and bringing him more to life. His skin is lit up under the parking lot’s fluorescent lights which dance in his eyes. His shoes tap harder against the puddles and he shakes his hips, moving his body to whatever music is playing in his head. I swear I can hear it too, flowing off him, and I grab his hand, pulling him into me.

He grinds against me, rubbing his lips over mine, and our teeth catch on each other as our mouths get away from us. One hand in the air and one on my shoulder, he circles his hips, waving his face around. I capture his lips with mine again before spinning him around by his hand. Thunder cracks across the sky and at the first sight of lightning, I drag him to the car. Dripping with water and with large smiles playing across our faces, we hurry inside.

More laughter spills from him and he presses his cheek to the seat. “That was fun.”

“Yeah.” I smile, squeezing his leg. “It was. But now I have a wet car and we’ll have to change clothes.”

“Or we can just take these off.” His voice thickens. “No need to put on new ones until tomorrow.”

“It would save me from the extra laundry, and you do look much better without them.”

“Do I?” His breaths grow heavy and he unbuttons the front of his shirt, folding one side over to reveal one of his hard nubs.

“Oh yeah. So much.” I start the car, driving a little too fast out of the parking lot when he pops more buttons and strokes below his belly button.

“You never make anything easy, do you?” I ask, tightening my hands on the wheel to keep from putting them in other places. He’s not making it easy for me to keep my eyes on the road, and I start swerving into the other lane without realizing, thankful no one else is there when I do.

“What would be the fun in that?”

I shoot him a quick glance, making a sharp turn onto my street. “Absolutely nothing.”

It’s almost as if the sky has opened up the floodgates when we arrive at my house and exit the car. Neon pink and yellow stripes cut across the dark sky, creating loud cracking sounds. Ducking our heads and linking arms, we run to the porch. I struggle to get the keys out of my pocket, hands shaking and body buzzing from how close he is.

Booming sounds erupt around us and it’s like an electric charge sweeps through me when he drops his shirt to the ground, fingering the zipper on his pants. I nearly drop my keys, locking my fingers around the blue key chain. My eyes stay on him as I blindly stab at the lock, turning my hand when it finally slips inside. Although we’re mostly hidden, I shove him through the open door, wanting to save the rest of him for my eyes only.

His shorts fall around his ankles as I press him against the mirror hanging on the wall, shielding the neighbors from what I’m about to do next. I suck on his neck, licking my way down his pecs. His nipple beads in my mouth, hardening, and I bite harder. Squirming, he releases a rumbled groan and it makes me desperate to see what other sounds I can make come out of him.

Teeth scraping along his belly, I wet more of his skin with my tongue and run my open mouth over the bulge in his underwear. A salty taste hits my lips and I bury my face harder against his groin, sucking him through the thin cotton fabric.

“Are you wet for me, baby?”

Body shaking, a whimper slips from his lips and he bucks his hips. “Yes.”

“Let me see.” Lips pressed to his stomach, I slowly lower his underwear and his cock jumps against my lips, its tip leaking.

I lick a stripe along his opening, dragging more sweet arousal from him. “You taste so good.” I lap at him some more, dragging my tongue along the edge of his length.

“Elijah.” He tugs at my hair, writhing between me and the wall.

“What, baby? Tell me what you want.”

“More. Just more.”

“More what?” I whisper against his sensitive skin, rubbing my nose over one of the bulging veins on his cock.

“You. This. Your mouth and hands. Give me everything. All of it.”

I trace my tongue over droplets of rain left on his skin as I kiss my way back to his mouth. Undoing my own pants, I thrust my tongue alongside his and he frees me from my underwear, rolling his cock over mine as if needing to feel more of me in order to keep breathing.

I capture his moans with my mouth, swallowing each one down as I rut harder against him, skin slapping skin. I spit between us, creating less friction and more sparks. More sweet sensations. More pleasure bursting between our grinding bodies. Just more.

“Fuck me,” he breathes. “I need you to fuck me.”

Pressing my forehead to his, I nod, panting against his parting pink lips, and I tear off the rest of my clothes, keeping my eyes on him as he steps out of his underwear, closing the gap between us.

His chest crashes into mine and I lift him by his hips, smashing my mouth to his as his legs wrap around me. I carry him further into the living room and drop him on the couch. Eyes blazing, he spreads his limbs and lifts his chest. Fuck, he’s stunning. I really can’t get enough of seeing him glowing beneath me. Crawling between his legs, I shove my face between his thighs, giving him long, leisurely licks along his taint and rim.

He presses his ass to my face and I bury my tongue between his cheeks, circling his outer hole. Pushing myself inside, I wet his tight channel as I slip a finger in. Shoving my tongue deeper, I add another digit, fucking in and out of him. He really does taste good. Like hope and new beginnings. I relish it, feeling my entire being suddenly shocked back to life.

Animalistic sounds come from him and he vibrates, lighting up like a firecracker on the fourth of July. I open him up some more, swerving my tongue in and out at rapid speed. His hard cock strains against his tightening stomach and he reaches for it, stroking himself slowly.

“You’re so damn beautiful.” I kiss his inner thigh and crawl up his body, lining my cock with his hole and push his knees to his chest.

“Damnit, Elijah. Get inside me already.”

“I need to get the lube.” His legs lock around me when I try to move, not letting up no matter how much I fight against them.

“No. I don’t want it. Want to feel the ache of your cock stretching me. I want all the sore reminders tomorrow of how much you wrecked my hole.”

His words feed my desperation, zapping my body with tingling sensations. I spit in my hand and lather up my cock, and more saliva drips between us as I break past his tight entrance. His walls squeeze around me, tugging on my cock as I slowly rock my hips. Crying out, he arches his back and his hand moves faster around his base, his body twitching the more I disappear inside him.

“Yes. Like that. Oh, fuck yes.”

This is the most vocal I’ve heard him be during sex and I’m loving every second of it. For a moment I forget what it’s been like to lie alone on this couch and hear only my own steps in this house. I forget the frustration that seeped into my soul every time I spoke to my husband out loud and never got an answer. I forget the bad and only see the beacon of light shining up at me. And I want to fucking chase it. Wrap myself in it until I see and feel nothing else.

I pull all the way out to slam back in, our bodies rocking together and making dirty squelching sounds. His warmth engulfs me, calling me back every time I lift my hips, and I fuck deeper, slamming my hips forward. I relish his sounds and the pleasure exploding between us. My vision blurs, my head going fuzzy as my movements grow off-kilter and desperate.

In and out. Slow and fast. Deep and shallow thrusts. His cum spills over his fingers as he stretches his body out, arms looping around his head as he tilts his chin to the ceiling.

The vision is enough to root something wild inside me. Him losing himself in bliss and spasming out of control beneath me plants seeds that sprout into waves of intensity. I come inside him, grinding harder against his ass and delving into sweet ecstasy. On the verge of passing out, I slow my thrusts and lean forward to press my panting lips to his.

“I love you,” he whispers, eyes half shut. “I know it’s too soon but I just wanted to say it. I need you to know.”

Heavy and beating fast in my chest, my heart feels like it’s on the verge of erupting—from both joy and hesitancy.

“I . . .” My breaths stutter.

“You don’t have to say it back.” His eyes blink softly. “In fact, forget I said it altogether.” He lets out an awkward laugh.

Swiping sweat from his brow, I shake my head. “I can’t forget it and I don’t want to. I think I might feel the same but it’s a lot for me to digest right now. You really are amazing, Silas, and one thing’s for certain. I’m definitely way too gone to walk away now.”

“So don’t.” His eyes open wider, blue irises drowning me in their deep depths.

I stroke his cheek, pressing my head to his. “I’m not going to. Not when staying right where I am feels better than anything else in my life.”

Here, I’m strong enough to handle anything. Here, I’m calm and steady, shoving away the ripples that threaten my stream. Here, all my days are filled with sunshine even when it’s cloudy and storming outside.