Estranged Heart

Thirty-four

Silas

I thought I saw him through a foggy window when meeting my mom for dinner last night. I wanted it to be true. So much so, I kept staring even after the stranger turned around and proved me wrong. I was trying to make his eyes darker and face more round. I was trying to make him someone he wasn’t.

“Maybe we’ll actually run into each other by accident someday,” I remember saying to him.

Four months later and we still haven’t. Not at the state fair Reese dragged me to, not at any of the movies I went to see alone or at the skating rink, and not at any Christmas plays or tree lightings. Not at the mall, the hiking trails, or other lakes. Nowhere. Almost as if he never existed outside my dreams.

Meanwhile, what my wife did is everywhere, along with all the lives she helped take. I’ve avoided every news channel, and try to change the subject when others bring her up, but I see it in their expressions. I feel the sorrow and pity in the stares of my neighbors and customers. As long as everyone knows, I can’t run from what happened—from who Stacey turned out to be. I try to anyway. Like right now, as I stroll into a small bar outside town. I don’t recognize anyone here and I’m able to breathe easier. I’m no different than anyone else here.

A tall, rugged man smiles at me from his seat, holding up his beer bottle in a silent hello.

Walking past him, I tug at my scarf and head to the bathroom. I haven’t been with another person since Elijah, but I wonder whether I should dive into a new distraction. Not from my broken marriage or my wife’s death, but from my torturous thoughts. What if I hadn’t said goodbye to him at the hospital? What if he was next to me right now? Would he be here because he truly wanted me, or to feel closer to someone else?

I thought I’d only be haunted by the question if we kept seeing each other, but it turns out I still am, even months after walking away. Months of going to counseling and picking up the pieces of my crumbling world.

After splashing water on my face and adjusting my scarf, I walk back out into the bar where the stranger continues to smile at me. I take the seat beside him and he scoots his stool closer, setting his beer down. He has dark blond hair, brown eyes, and a nice smile, but as good looking as he is, I feel nothing. Physical attraction has never been enough for me. I need more. And I can’t find more in a bar or on the hook-up apps one of my new friends from work keeps trying to sell me on.

A quick fling won’t pull me from my funk or help me get over wanting someone I can’t have. I try flirting back anyway, laughing at the handsome man’s jokes and accepting a drink from him. When he slings an arm around me and starts kissing my neck I flinch, my stomach lurching.

“I’m sorry but I need to go.”

“What? Why?” He grabs for my arm when I stumble back off my chair and drags me forward. “You just got here and we’re still talking.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this. I thought I could but I was wrong.” I yank my arm free and my head is spinning as I rush out the front door. My shoulder collides with someone else, the ache vibrating through me as I stumble back. Large hands steady me, and when I look up my mouth goes dry. A pair of familiar brown eyes pin me in place, and I can barely breathe with his hands on me.

“Silas?” Elijah’s eyebrows bunch together, and he looks as if he’s not sure what he’s seeing is real or just an illusion. Has he been seeing a little bit of me in everyone else too? Or am I hoping for too much?

“Hey,” I respond, too stunned to say anything else. Not wanting the wrong words to come out, for me to accidentally beg him to come home with me.

“Hey.” He releases his hold on me, rubbing the back of his head. A group of people try to enter the bar and we move away from the door so they can get past us.

“How are you?” His voice shifts.

“I’m good, you?” I shuffle from side to side, preventing myself from closing the painful gap between us. Time apart has done nothing to help me want him less. I was foolish to think I ever could, especially with him invading my dreams and reminding me why I craved him to begin with. Not Landon but me. It wasn’t until his hands touched me again that I realized the deep ache left in my bones from going too long without him.

“Good.” He shoves his hand in his pockets, staring down at how close our feet are since moving further down the sidewalk. “I was uh . . . coming here to meet someone.”

“Oh . . . Come here a lot?” All this small talk is killing me but what else are we supposed to say to each other?

“No.” He looks away, his expression tensing. “This is my first time. It was his idea. You?” His dark eyes lock back on mine, and man, I missed being the center of their attention.

“I randomly decided to try somewhere new after a long day of work.”

“Cool. I didn’t think I’d see you on this side of town. Then again, I don’t usually come this way myself.” He chuckles nervously. “You look good . . . I mean . . . well.” He clenches his jaw, leaning forward on his toes. “You know, from when I last saw you. Yeah, I’m not so good at running into people I haven’t seen in a while.” His eyes dart around me.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” I smirk and he laughs.

“It’s really good to see you. I—”

“Hey, you managed to beat me somewhere for a change.” A deep voice comes from behind us.

Elijah’s attention shifts over to the man walking closer. “Yeah. I left work early and figured I’d change things up a bit.” He smiles. It’s easygoing, the way it used to be with me. Someone else gets it now. My stomach knots.

“You haven’t been inside yet, have you?”

“Nope. I uh . . . actually ran into a friend before I could. Eddie, this is Silas. Silas, this is Eddie.” Elijah’s gaze drifts between us.

“Nice to meet you, Silas.” Eddie sticks his hand out to me and I shake it.

“You too.” Our fingers part seconds later and I study the way his hand falls on Elijah’s shoulder, like it’s been there many times before. I take two steps back, my stomach plummeting at their friendly interaction and the way Elijah laughs when Eddie whispers in his ear.

“I should get going,” I blurt. “I’m supposed to pick something up from my mom’s house. You two have fun.” I turn around, my steps moving so quickly across the parking lot I don’t notice the car coming toward me at fast speed. The loud honk causes me to jump before I keep moving faster to my car. Slipping inside, I lean against the seat, my breaths unable to steady as my heart feels like it’s being ripped open.

The trees swaying around me turn into twisted, ugly faces mocking my pain and I slump over the steering wheel. My eyes shut as I press my forehead to the cool leather. He’s with someone else. He moved on while I remained trapped where we last left off, dancing together in the rain. I’m the one who said goodbye first. I walked away first. Only because if I’d waited until he did, I didn’t think I’d survive the rejection. I’m barely holding on as it is, picturing his hand slipping inside another’s and his mouth touching lips not belonging to me.

My eyes burn from the suppressed tears, a heavy pressure building in my head. A loud buzzing noise has my eyes flashing open and my back jolting against the seat. I reach for my phone and get a weird whooshing feeling in my stomach when I see Elijah’s name light up on the screen.

Elijah : It was nice seeing you tonight.

Me : It was good to see you too.

Elijah : Come back and have a drink with me?

Me : Your friend won’t mind?

Elijah : No, and he’s not my friend.

My stomach clamps up.

Me : I really need to get home.

Elijah : I thought you had to swing by your mom’s?

Me : I really did like seeing you. You looked happy.

Elijah : Looks can be deceiving. I see you’re still here and sitting in your car. Come inside.

Me : Have a good night, Elijah.

I drop the phone onto the passenger seat and bury my face in my hands, sitting here, waiting for my phone to go off again. I don’t know why but I need him to ask me to join him for a drink again. I need him to really want me to stay. A knock on my window has me jumping back. At first I struggle to make out the face looking back at me through the foggy glass in the dark parking lot. When I roll down the window, my heart gallops in my chest.

“Elijah? What are you . . . shouldn’t you be inside with your . . . the man you’re here with?”

“I asked if I could have a rain check. He doesn’t live far from here anyway.”

“Why?” I hold my breath, waiting for his answer.

“I think you know why.”

“Do I?” My hands tighten around the wheel, in case I need something to catch me from falling when he doesn’t give me the answer I want to hear.

“Come have a drink with me and we can talk about it some more,” he says with strained words.

I got what I wanted, but I’m greedy for more. “I . . . I don’t think I should.”

“Why not?” He leans down, pressing his hands on my window.

“Because I might want more than that.” I know I will.

“And that’s such a bad thing because . . . ?” His bottom lip curls and his eyes are pleading.

“What about the guy you have a rain check with? Won’t he think it’s a bad thing?”

Forehead wrinkling, his eyes shift from side to side. “What do you mean?”

“He’s not . . . You two aren’t . . .” My cheeks heat and I can’t finish my sentence when he looks at me as if I’ve grown two heads.

“No . . . Wait, is that why you rushed off in such a hurry? You thought I was on a date with my brother?” The corners of his eyes wrinkle in humor.

“Your brother?” My next words fly out of my mouth without warning.

“Yeah. He contacted me a few months ago and we’ve been hanging out whenever one of us is near the other’s side of town.”

“Oh . . .” Well, I feel like an idiot.

He chuckles, his face so close our lips are merely inches away. “So this is what you look like when you’re jealous. I didn’t think I’d get a chance to see the roles reversed.”

“I wish you hadn’t.” My breaths feel strangled when his nose rubs over mine.

“I like how much you wear your heart on your sleeve. Everything about you is so honest and real.” His warm breaths mingle with mine and he tastes like fucking heaven. “Will you get out of the car now? Or would you rather I get in?”

“I . . .” My words catch in my throat when tiny drops of water spill from the opening dark sky. “And what happens if I beg you to take me home after one drink?”

“I might be counting on it.” His lips turn up into a half smile. As soon as he backs away from the car, I push the door open and step out onto the concrete. He pins me to the window, brushing his lips over mine and every part of me is buzzing. Rain falls harder and his laughter tickles my lips, his tongue flicking inside my parted mouth.

I look up at the crying sky and he tugs on my chin, smashing our lips together. Teeth clash and our tongues go to war, overpowering each other. I sink deep into his warmth, my body going slack against his, and we’re like two missing pieces of a puzzle finding our place again.

Thunder cracks above us and we’re drenched, shivering in each other’s arms. “You know, I’m still waiting to hate the rain,” I say, hooking my fingers into the front of his shirt.

“I did for a while. When it went back to being an inconvenience and you weren’t taking off your soaked clothes beside me. When I was running through it alone and not being asked to dance in the middle of parking lots.”

“And right now?”

“I think I prefer it when you make me forget why something is supposed to be bad,” he whispers, kissing me again, this time harder, and it’s consuming. Smashed between him and the car, I have nowhere to run this time and I don’t want to. The way he keeps breathing me in and tasting me, I no longer question if it’s me he wants, not when I can feel his desire everywhere. It’s in his sounds, his hungry tongue, and his erection digging into my hip.

“Take me home with you, right now,” he says, lips slightly parting from mine.

“What about the drink we’re supposed to have?” I rasp.

“It was never the drink I wanted.”

“What do you want?” My pulse pounds in my ears.

“I want you,” he breathes out. “The moment I laid eyes on you outside that bar I knew I couldn’t let you go so easily this time. So before you tell me no, dance with me in the rain first. Go camping with me and take me skating.”

I swallow the thickness in my throat. “All right now?”

“Whenever we want. I want every day to be an option. Not because you need someone to go with you but because you want only me to.”

“But . . . what will people say? It’s crazy. My wife . . . What she did. And me . . .” I choke on a breath and he brings our hands to my heart.

“What does it feel like to you in here? What do we feel like?” His eyes are full of emotion.

“Everything. Home.”

“Then don’t walk away from it. Not today or tomorrow. Stay where everything is. Where home is. Stay with me.”

“Yeah.” I nod, my heart feeling like it’s bursting. “Yeah, okay.”

His mouth smashes to mine again and we take longer to break apart this time. I no longer feel the coldness from the rain or the stares from random strangers exiting the bar. Only him.

He follows me to my apartment in his car, parking beside me. Looking around, he links his fingers with mine. “Where are we?”

“My new apartment. I decided to sell the house. It didn’t feel right staying there anymore. It didn’t really feel safe either.”

He nods in understanding. “Makes sense. I’ve considered doing the same many times.” He lets out a sigh, his lips twisting. “Take me inside and show me what you’ve done with the place.”

I drag him forward and we walk side by side so naturally, automatically coming back to each other like magnets after walking up the stairs. “It’s still a work in progress,” I warn. “But I also don’t want to get too attached either since I plan on looking at houses. Somewhere with a back yard, where I can have a greenhouse.”

“And a pool?” he says, pressing his front to my back as I stop in front of the door.

My breaths hitch. “And a pool.” I turn the key in the lock and lead him inside. The living room lights up when I flick the switch on the wall and his gaze lies heavy on me as he guides me to the couch, yanking me down with him. His mouth finds mine and his hands tug on my clothes, unbuttoning my pants.

“The bedroom is back that way.” I swallow hard.

“It’s also too far and you look so damn good on any couch I lay you on.” He licks across my mouth. “I need you. All of you. So damn bad,” he says, sounding partly deranged as he pulls down my pants and underwear in one quick motion.

“I need you too. I have this whole time.” I reach for him as he presses kisses to my inner thigh before pulling back to remove his shirt. We share way too many kisses while sliding our hands everywhere, and Elijah kicks off his pants, forcing my legs apart.

“Lube?”

“Olive oil in the kitchen near the stove.” My breaths are shallow as he climbs off the couch and quickly moves to get the oil. He returns seconds later, kissing me again while slicking up his thick cock. Purple and swollen, the fat head presses to my dry entrance, wetting every place it touches.

“You already feel so good,” he says with rushed breaths, pressing dripping fingers to my entrance and rubbing around my sensitive nerve endings. “I’ve missed you. This pretty little hole. The way your body surrenders so easily to me. All of it.” He slides a little past my rim, teasing me some more. “I’ve been waiting for you all this time. For you to run into me again. I don’t know if either of us is ready or not, but I don’t think staying away from each other any longer is going to help us figure it out. Sometimes you just have to go where life takes you and hope it’s the right direction. You’ve always felt like that for me. It’s the reason I always went wherever you dragged me.” He brushes his nose over mine, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of my mouth.

I brush the strands of loose hair from his eyes, smiling up at him, my heart overcome with this wonderful and overwhelming feeling. “I guess I better keep dragging you everywhere with me then.” I tug on his head, bringing his mouth down to mine, and thrust my tongue between his parting lips. “I’ve missed you too, for far too long, and I’d rather not have to know what that’s like again.”

“You won’t have to.” Spreading my legs further apart, he lifts my hips and slowly drives himself inside me, pausing once he passes my tight ring of muscle. I clench around him, soft moans slipping past my lips, and my sounds vibrate between us as he captures my mouth again. His hips thrust forward, hard and fast, after giving me time to adjust for what’s to come. My body takes him deeper into me, my thighs tensing and back arching.

God, I really have missed him. I’d really walked away from this. What made sense at the time no longer does. Too much had happened and I was processing everything around me, not sure I could fit anyone into my world at the time. I don’t feel that way anymore. All this space opens up inside me as if it’s been putting itself aside for him this whole time.

Our bodies cling to each other, writhing and calling for more as we take it. Elijah pumps into me faster, my tight channel opening up more for him with each slam of his hips. He finds that magical spot inside me that has me feel like I’m flying and falling at the same time, my hole spasming.

“Oh!” I call out, holding him tighter to me, and he wraps his fingers around my cock, drowning me in pleasure. I stop trying to swim up for air, letting myself slip into the deep end. My orgasm hits me hard. I’m smiling and laughing at the same time, buzzing sensations bouncing inside me.

Elijah pulls out of me as I come all over my stomach and his hand.

“Look at you,” he says, panting in between his words, eyes elated. “How lucky am I to get to see you this way? To be the reason you’re nearly passing out from coming too hard?”

He strokes his cock, pumping fast into his hand. His body shakes and he leans forward, tensing on top of me as his release mixes with mine. He’s the lucky one? Yeah, pretty sure I am. This man chased after me tonight. He told me he’d waited for me and didn’t want to let me go again. Now he’s smiling down at me with flushed skin, pressing his sweaty body to mine. Yeah, I’m definitely the one who’s lucky. He kisses my chin and then my lips, the corners of his tilting at the same time as mine. Or perhaps we’re both lucky.

“I love you, Silas.” His spent cock softens against mine, and he rubs his face into my neck before looking me in the eyes. “I love you.”

His words echo around us and I feel them everywhere. In my heart and my soul. They’re for me and me alone. There might be moments where he says them to Landon but right here and now they’re for me.

“I love you too,” I whisper back, not only because it feels right to say but because it is. Landon’s heart might beat faster when he’s around, but I’m reborn again whenever he is, rising above the dark clouds trying to keep me down.

He positions us both on our sides, dragging me closer when I start to hang off the couch. Looping his leg around mine, he glances down between us. “We made quite the mess, Sunshine.”

“And we’re about to make an even bigger one.” I reach around his head, tugging at his hair as I lick into his mouth. We kiss and hold each other until we’re both growing hard again. His tip leaks against my stomach and he lines our cocks up together, stroking us at the same time.

“I don’t think we’ll be moving from this couch anytime soon.” My laugh turns to strangled moans as he rubs his head over mine, tightening his grip around my base.

“No. Not unless it’s so I can carry you to bed and continue having you there.”

“It would be more comfortable. We could move a lot more.” I gasp when he grinds hard against me.

“On second thought, we’ll stay here for now. I’d rather not give you room to move in any direction but closer to me.”

“Greedy.” I chuckle against his lips, nibbling on the bottom one.

“Very. I’m not going to apologize for taking as much of you as you’ll allow me to have. No, I’m going to keep taking full advantage.”

“And you won’t see me stopping you. Not anymore.” I writhe against him, rolling my hips.

“Good. As much as I love chasing you in the rain, I’d rather it be because you’re begging me to and not because you don’t think we can work.”

“So you like chasing me, huh?”

He smirks. “Yes. I mean, how can I not when in the end it earns me such a cute little prize?” His lips tease mine, his hips going still as my body cries out in frustration from the way he’s slowly edging me. “I will always come after you. It might take me a while sometimes, but I always will.”

“Always?” My voice comes out barely a whisper.

“Always, Sunshine.” His lips tilt higher and he moves his hips again.

“So if I’m your sunshine, what’s that make you?”

“Yours.”