Chapter Thirty-Three
chapter THIRTY-THREE
E than could only assume Beau understood his need to be alone because he didn’t even have to request it when he found himself being dropped off at his house a short while ago. Beau had kissed him briefly in the truck, waited until he made it in the house, and then disappeared down the driveway.
And Ethan had waited all of three minutes before he snatched up his truck keys and headed to Sawyer’s. Noticing the car in the driveway, Ethan had parked haphazardly behind it and now was standing on his brother’s front porch, waiting for him to answer the door.
It didn’t take long.
As soon as the door opened wide, Ethan stormed in, shoving Sawyer hard enough to send him back a couple of steps.
“What the fuck!” Sawyer growled, the fury on his face mirroring what had been boiling in Ethan’s stomach for the last half hour. Ever since he realized that Sawyer had ratted him out to his parents all those years ago.
“How fucking could you?” Ethan yelled, the hurt and anger morphing into an overwhelming concoction that wasn’t looking good for his brother.
“How could I what?” Sawyer hollered, slamming the front door when Ethan cleared it.
“You told them!”
Sawyer stood stone still near the door, staring at Ethan with what looked like remorse in his eyes.
“I had no choice,” he said after a few tense moments. “You could’ve died.”
“You promised. No one was supposed to know.”
“Ethan,” Sawyer started then stopped, thrusting his hands through his perfectly styled hair before turning and stalking off.
“What?”
Sawyer made it all the way to the kitchen before he stopped and turned back to face him. Ethan waited impatiently for his brother to continue.
“Do you even remember how bad you were hurt? Greyson wanted you to go to the hospital. Since you refused, I had to settle for trying to stop your fucking head from bleeding. You had a concussion, remember? I wasn’t allowed to let you go to sleep for hours. On top of that, your fucking nose was broken, and your face was so swollen you couldn’t open your eyes. That doesn’t include the damage done to your ribs. I never would’ve been able to forgive myself if something happened to you.”
Ethan listened, his brother’s recollection driving all the memories forward. The pain had been excruciating. Even to this day, there were remnants of the agony in his bones. He wasn’t sure he would ever fully heal from it.
“So you told Mom and Dad?”
“That night, I called Dad. Not only was I enraged, I was fucking scared .”
Hearing Sawyer say that was the equivalent of someone stomping all over Ethan’s heart. Never in his life had he heard Sawyer say that he was scared of anything. Yet he had put Sawyer in a position that no one should’ve had to be in. And though it pissed him off that he felt betrayed, Ethan suddenly felt ashamed of himself.
As he turned and walked away, it was Ethan’s turn to shove his hands through his hair.
Why did everything seem to be changing? Fuck.
Ethan leaned over, gripping his hair tightly in his fists as he fought the emotional overload that swamped him. He was in pain. Physical. Emotional. No matter how he looked at it, Ethan’s world was changing, what he thought he never wanted before, he now knew he did. His fears were still choking him, pulling him up short, but he felt himself moving closer and closer to the light. And it scared the fuck out of him. He wouldn’t survive the pain again.
Sawyer’s hand came down on his back in a reassuring manner, but his brother didn’t say a word. He just stood there while Ethan did his damnedest not to fall apart. When he managed to catch his breath, he stood tall and turned to face Sawyer.
Sucking in a breath, he fully intended to thank his brother for saving his life, but that’s not what came out of his mouth.
“I hate him!” Ethan roared, nearly at the top of his lungs. “I fucking hate him. He stole so much from me. He ruined my life. He ruined Gavin’s life.”
And just like that, Sawyer grabbed Ethan and pulled him close, his arms closing around him in a tight hold that had Ethan’s world nearly crashing in on him. He didn’t want to cry. He hadn’t cried since the day he found Gavin. He swore he would never get to that point again. He pushed everything away, fought the urge to care for anyone and yet, look at him. He was a fucking mess.
Pulling away from Sawyer, he ran a hand over his face roughly. “I’m sorry I put you in that position.”
“You didn’t put me in any position,” Sawyer argued, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “E, I’m fucking thankful every single day that you called me. I don’t know why you chose me, but I thank God that I was able to get to you. That’s all that matters.”
“I should’ve been stronger, should’ve been able to fight Jimmy off. Should’ve been able to save Gavin.” The last statement came out without his permission and Ethan abruptly turned, heading for the door.
He had to get out of there. Needed air. Needed... fucking hell . He needed Beau. He just wanted to fall into Beau’s arms and be held for the rest of his natural life. It was the only time he felt safe, protected.
“Ethan,” Sawyer said gruffly, making him stop midstride.
He didn’t turn to face his brother. He couldn’t.
“No one could’ve saved Gavin. What he went through was probably hell on earth. If his brother was even half as brutal with him as he had been with you, Gavin had been looking for an escape. Unfortunately, the path he chose was beyond your control.”
Turning abruptly, he threw his arms up in the air in a signal of defeat. “How? How could he do that? He took his own life! And he took mine right along with him.”
Ethan couldn’t believe the words were coming out of his mouth. He’d kept it inside for all these years, and suddenly he was smothering his brother with all kinds of questions that he knew he couldn’t possibly answer.
“I don’t know, E. I wish I could make it all better for you, but that isn’t an option. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to talk to someone. You need to reach out to someone who can help you get the answers that you need. But I’m not talking about me, or Mom and Dad, or even Beau. A professional, E.”
Was Sawyer actually saying he needed professional help? Ethan wanted to be exasperated, but his heart actually began to settle. Was there seriously someone who understood what he was going through?
Sawyer moved closer. “Look at me, E.”
Ethan met Sawyer’s intent gaze.
“Nothing will bring Gavin back. Nothing. Hold up,” Sawyer said when Ethan lifted his hand, preparing for a response. “Listen to me.”
Ethan nodded. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice.
“We can’t bring Gavin back, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do something. Jimmy has gone unpunished all these years. If he did that to you, I hate to think what else he might’ve done. I won’t be the one to punish him, although God knows I want to. But that doesn’t mean I will sit quietly and watch. Mom and Dad taught us to stand up for what we believe in. It’s time we stand up, E.”
Ethan’s back straightened.
“Karma is a vindictive bitch. Jimmy will get his. And I assure you, it won’t be from me. One day, he’ll meet his match, and he won’t win. Until that day comes, we have to stand up for what is right, protect those who need it, and hiding who you are isn’t going to help.”
“I’m not...” Fuck. Ethan couldn’t even finish the sentence.
He was hiding. He’d been hiding from everyone, including himself, for nine long years. “What if Jimmy goes after the people I care about?”
Sawyer didn’t answer the question right away, just stared back at him for long seconds. Ethan wanted an answer, needed someone to reassure him that his family wouldn’t be put through hell; that they wouldn’t have to endure the wrath of those who felt Ethan was an abomination. And he wanted someone to guarantee him that Beau would never be hurt.
Before he could pelt more questions at Sawyer, there was a knock at the door.
Shit. And now he had interrupted Sawyer’s night.
“I gotta go,” Ethan said abruptly, turning toward the door. Pulling it open, Ethan nearly ran face-first into Beau.
The sudden sight of him had all the emotion bubbling up again, making it painful to swallow.
“Hey,” Beau said, taking Ethan’s arm gently, keeping him on his feet.
“I need to go home,” he told Beau absently. Without thinking about it, Ethan let Beau lead him down the front steps and toward his truck.
“I’ll drive,” Ethan said when Beau tried to steer him toward his truck. “I’ll be fine to get to the house.”
Beau nodded, but Ethan made a beeline for his truck immediately, not waiting for Beau to do or say anything more.
If he was lucky, maybe he’d manage to reason with himself before he got there. Because if not, he was about to do something he’d never done before.
And he wasn’t sure what Beau was going to say when he told him that he loved him.
STANDING IN SAWYER’S front yard, Beau watched Ethan’s taillights fade in the darkness. He had been sitting outside in his truck for the last twenty minutes, waiting for Ethan to come back out.
After he’d dropped Ethan off at his house, Beau had known instantly that he was up to something when he let Beau leave with a simple kiss and nothing more. Ethan had been mentally off in another world at that point, he was sure.
You didn’t have to be a genius to know that the conversation that they had witnessed that afternoon had drawn numerous questions. Beau knew Ethan wanted to ask Sawyer some, but more importantly, he knew Ethan intended to call Sawyer out. Curtis’s knowledge of the events from back then was a dead giveaway that someone had talked. According to the story Ethan had told him, the only person who would’ve had anything to tell was Sawyer. Well, Greyson would’ve known, but Beau couldn’t see him saying something. That’s not the way Greyson seemed to work.
With no desire to go home and worry, Beau had driven to the Walker Demolition shop and parked. Giving him some time, he had waited before driving to Sawyer’s place, not far from Ethan’s. Just as he suspected, Ethan’s truck was parked behind Sawyer’s expensive car in the driveway.
For whatever reason, Beau had forced himself out of the truck and to the door when he would’ve preferred to sit outside and wait longer, give Ethan and Sawyer time to chat. He hadn’t. Something had spurred him to go to the door. Based on the way Ethan looked when he flung the door open, Beau knew what had pulled him. It was that emotional connection he had with the man and he had somehow known that Ethan was hurting.
Turning back toward Sawyer’s house, Beau moved up onto the porch when he saw Sawyer standing there. Sawyer gave him a curt nod as he leaned slightly forward, hands resting on the doorjamb above his head as he stared back at Beau.
“You got him?” Sawyer asked directly.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I take it you know what happened?”
“He told me.”
Sawyer stared at him intently for a moment, and Beau knew he had something else to add, so he waited.
“He needs to talk to someone. A professional who can help him deal with what happened to Gavin.”
Beau’s eyebrow shot up toward his hairline. He wasn’t sure why Sawyer was telling him this.
“He’s scared, Beau. And it kills me that I don’t know how to help him. But I told him as much. It may never heal him fully, but he needs to talk to someone.”
Beau nodded in agreement. It was logical, something Beau had thought a time or two. Convincing Ethan to seek professional help probably wasn’t going to be easy, but he knew if Sawyer had managed to conquer the subject with Ethan, he should, too.
“Thank you,” Beau found himself saying.
“For what?”
For saving his life. For being the reason Ethan was there today. Beau didn’t speak the words out loud, he simply said, “Just... thank you.” Beau didn’t elaborate more before he turned and headed back down the steps.
Within minutes, he was parked in Ethan’s driveway, and not long after, he was taking the front two steps in one single stride. He didn’t knock on the door before letting himself in.
He found Ethan standing on the back porch, staring out at the pool, and he didn’t pause until he was standing there with him. No words were spoken as he moved up behind him and wrapped him in the circle of his arms.
Beau rested his forehead against the back of Ethan’s head, holding him while Ethan shook in his arms. He wasn’t crying, but Beau knew the emotion he had bottled up all these years was trying to escape. He was a pressure cooker, ready to blow its lid from everything that continued to build.
Ethan’s hands came up and latched tightly on to Beau’s arms where they rested against Ethan’s chest. For long minutes they just stood there, the chilly winds skirting around them, the night sky darkening even more as time moved forward. Beau was fine with this for now. He knew Ethan was processing everything that was happening, and he didn’t want to rush him. Despite Ethan’s ability to keep things locked inside, Beau knew Ethan had begun to open up. It was slow going, but the forward momentum was there. Beau would just have to ride it out.
“What do you think people will say when they find out about us?” Ethan asked, surprising Beau with both the question and the conviction in his voice.
The topic was one that Beau, quite frankly, never expected to address directly with Ethan. At least not with Ethan being the one to bring it up. A shimmer of hope lit up inside of his chest. Did that mean Ethan was willing to give them a chance? A real shot at a relationship?
“They will think what they want, E. But I don’t care what they think,” Beau answered honestly. “I only care what you think.”
“This is going to be hard on my family,” Ethan mumbled.
“Why? It’s not like they don’t know,” Beau said, trying to hide his defensive response. He knew Ethan’s family personally. They would rally together and support Ethan no matter what.
“They shouldn’t have to deal with the bullshit,” Ethan said softly, surprising Beau when he didn’t even move.
“Your family is going to support any decision you make,” Beau said matter-of-factly, his hopes soaring despite the bleakness of Ethan’s statement. “Don’t underestimate them, E. You come from a strong, resilient family who cares for each other.” I’m actually quite jealous of you , Beau thought. He didn’t say the words out loud because there was only so much he could deal with in one night.
“What do your parents think?” Ethan asked, pulling away and turning to look at him.
Well, fuck. It didn’t look like Beau was going to get away from the subject much longer.
“They don’t know.”
“You haven’t told them?”
Surprisingly, Ethan didn’t sound judgmental, just curious.
Beau decided to tell him the truth. “I haven’t told my parents a lot of things.” Glancing out at the darkened tree line behind Ethan’s head, Beau continued, “Ever since I failed my father, we haven’t had much of a relationship.”
“Failed him how?”
“Football. When I shattered my arm, I knew it would never be the same. I knew from the day I emerged from surgery that I wasn’t going to be able to throw the same way. I was right.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was,” Beau said defensively. “I’m the one who got in the truck. I’m the one who knew how dangerous it was to be out on the roads after the ice storm. I brought it on myself. And I ruined my football career with one dumbass decision.”
Therefore, Beau had officially ruined his relationship with his father.
As simple and complicated as that.