Chapter 35
35
“ S o are you together now?” Gwen cocked her head. They were having breakfast on the patio. Wisps of fog gathered on the lake behind them, and the grass shone with dew. Joan smeared some jelly on her toast before she took a sip of her coffee. The others watched her.
“No, it’s just a physical thing. I trust him, and I’m making more progress with him than I would alone.” That didn’t feel quite right, but she wasn’t sure how else to talk about her messy, tangled feelings. She wanted Lucas, and she thought about him constantly, but the idea of an actual commitment to him still terrified her.
Gwen pursed her lips, exchanging glances with Kendall.
“What? Just say it. You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“I absolutely think you should do whatever you want,” Gwen said. “And you know how much I love both you and Lucas. But sex definitely changes things. Especially the more it happens. It’s just…impossible not to, right?”
A brief spark of anxiety flared at the back of Joan’s mind, but she tamped it down. “I’ve thought about that. I promise. But long story short, we’re helping each other, and we’re having fun. I think we can be friends again after this. I really do.”
“Hmm.” Gwen ran a hand along her chin. “I thought something was up when we went to the pool that day. I’m surprised it’s something casual, though.”
“I sort of think we’re meant to be only friends,” Joan said. “Or else something would have happened before now.”
“I’ll miss Lucas if he’s gone.” Kendall leaned against her wrought iron patio chair and curled her arms around her legs, which she’d folded into her chest. “And your family will too.”
“No one is going anywhere. You’ll still have Luke around. It’s just an arrangement, and it’s working well for now. Actually, scratch that, it’s been really great.” Joan’s cheeks reddened, and she had to purse her lips to keep herself from beaming.
“Look at you!” Kendall’s delighted laughter rang out across the lawn. “But this already seems like it’s not only a friends thing, right? I mean, you should see your face right now. And you should see his face when he looks at you.”
“There are definitely some endorphins or something like that going on. We’re in the initial stage, you know? I think it will fade. Or it always does for him. And for me, well, lots of men don’t give me a chance for that long.”
Gwen reached over and squeezed her arm. “I can be angry at men on your behalf if you need me to.”
“Nah. But I appreciate the solidarity.”
“We need to fill Maria in when we get home.” At Joan’s look, Kendall emitted an indignant squeak. “You told Maria but not us?”
“I mean, that’s probably a good call,” Gwen said.
“This is total bullshit.” Kendall took a drink of her orange juice. “Maria gets all the good gossip.”
“Well, I’d appreciate it if you two could also keep this kinda quiet,” Joan said. “We aren’t letting everyone know. Obviously, given the circumstances.”
Gwen nodded. “Be careful, then, alright? I know how important you are to each other. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I know how these things can go.”
The spark of concern was now a blazing inferno, but she knew her friends were trying to help.
Gwen’s gaze on her softened. “Sorry, Jo. We came in like bulldozers there. It’s just, it might be up to you and you alone to think through consequences. And it sounds like you have, so I think our work is done here.”
Joan hauled herself out of the water, gripping the sides of the boat’s ladder. They were out in the pontoon boat, anchored in a cove on Lake Cumberland. Music filtered from some of the surrounding boats.
She stepped onto the boat and dropped her float, then adjusted the ties on her white bikini. Lucas stopped what he was doing to send her a scorching look from his position next to the cooler.
Her skin heated even though she’d cooled off in the lake. She found herself studying his muscular shoulders and arms. He seemed to read her thoughts, judging from the smoldering going on in his continued gaze.
“Yo, Luke,” Jacob called as he climbed the ladder himself. “It’s a bit warm for a sweater, don’t you think?”
He flipped him off.
“You have no room to talk.” Lucas gestured to Jacob’s chest. “Yours is as thick as mine.”
“What’s thick?” Gwen said from the back of the boat, where she lounged in the shade.
“Oh, you know,” Jacob said, lifting his eyebrows several times. “Only the important things.”
“Did we bring ham and cheese?” Kendall asked when she stepped on. “This sun makes me hungry.”
Joan plopped next to Lucas with her own sandwich, which she’d pre-made before they went out. She stretched her legs out and propped them on a cooler, knowing what it did to him when her legs were on display. Kendall stepped over her, and Joan tucked her legs in with a quick apology.
Kendall waved her off. “There’s not a lot of room for all us tall people on this thing.”
“I resent that.” Gwen grabbed a bottled water from the cooler.
Joan finished her sandwich and then took a moment to lay her head on Lucas’s shoulder. With the boat remaining still, she was already getting hot again. The sun perched in the cloudless sky and baked her, and Lucas’s skin was warm under her cheek. She was sitting up to reach for her wide-brimmed hat when her phone chimed from her beach bag.
Wyatt
Are you free to babysit tomorrow? Jenny and I are going to Cincy for her birthday.
I’m at the lake this weekend.
Wyatt
You never said you were going out of town.
Do I need to ask permission?
Wyatt
Sorry, sorry. You’re right. We’ll get someone else.
Joan always experienced a stab of guilt when she declined babysitting for her brother, because he would have to pay someone unless Christine or their mother was available. Jenny didn’t have family in town. She didn’t feel any guilt that time, though—maybe she was growing. Harrison and Samuel were Wyatt’s kids, and he was ultimately responsible for them. It wasn’t her fault he hadn’t planned ahead.
She tossed her phone back into her beach bag.
“Let’s go for another swim. I’m burning up again.” She stood up and looked around. “Anyone else?”
“Nah. I’m going to hang out in the shade.” Gwen clutched a portable fan and reclined on one of the seats under the canopy. Everyone other than Lucas declined as well.
After grabbing her float, Joan took a flying leap off the front of the boat. Lucas followed her, landing with a splash in the dark water.
“I hate how I can’t see what’s under me,” Joan said, looking down. “It’s like an abyss.”
Lucas swam next to her and grabbed her leg. She startled.
“I knew what you were doing and you still scared me. Asshole.”
She swam away, out of their small cove and around a copse of trees. Despite how busy the lake was, they were in a secluded area, and she found herself in an even more private inlet. The trees gathered around her like a bowl, creating the illusion that she was alone. A gentle breeze blew, and she leaned back. Lucas swam into the inlet next to her.
“It’s just you and me now,” she said. She studied the way water clung to his dark eyelashes and sluiced over his broad shoulders.
He reached for her and pulled her to him. He pushed his hips into hers, setting off a jolt of desire that rang through her skin. He put his lips to her ear.
“Seriously, Joan. This is unbearable.”
She made a noise somewhere between a whimper and a breathy moan, and Lucas leaned in to kiss her. He was ravenous, frenzied, and she matched him as she slipped her tongue into his mouth. They were grabbing at each other, getting handfuls of skin and hips. He reached down to cup her ass again and ground her pelvis against his.
She broke the kiss with a gasp.
“God, Lucas. How do you do that?”
“How do I do it? I don’t think it’s me. I think it’s us. I would do terrible things to you right here.” He grimaced at the water. “In this lake, where we would probably get dysentery if we swallowed any of this water.” He kissed her on the temple. “Sorry, did I ruin the mood?”
“With your talk of severe gastrointestinal illness? No, it’s impossible to gross me out.” She gestured to herself. “Nurse, remember?” She swam backward, pulling him along so they could return to their friends. They stayed on the boat until well into the late afternoon, and she didn’t get another chance to kiss Lucas, but she thought about it all day.
She’d told Gwen and Kendall that she and Lucas could still be friends. The deeper she sank into their bond, though, the more she worried about the possibility of catastrophic failure. Her feelings had already sailed far past friendship, if she were being honest with herself. She didn’t know how to handle it. She ignored all the alarm bells clanging in her mind in favor of her next dopamine hit, courtesy of Lucas’s touch. She could imagine stepping into a girlfriend role with him, how easy it would be, but she could also envision all the ways things might go sideways.
She wanted to get out of her own head for the weekend, anyway. Then she would figure herself out.
They were freshly showered and having dinner at one of the dock restaurants. The six of them gathered at a round table, eating fish and hushpuppies and laughing. Joan wore shorts and sandals, her lake weekend uniform, and her thick blonde hair was pulled back into her standard summer ponytail. As the sun dipped below the horizon, a gentle breeze and the hum of the industrial fans created a comfortable atmosphere at their table. Lucas rested his hand on her thigh. He kept sneaking heated glances her way. Jacob smirked at them.
“It’s amazing you two could sit next to each other for years and keep your hands to yourselves.”
Kendall looked in their direction. “It’s a little like a volcano, I think. It was dormant, then one day, it was just—” She mimed an explosion with her hands.
“We were—” Joan started.
“Yeah, yeah.” Kendall waved her hand. “You were only friends, I know. That’s what I meant by dormant. But it’s definitely burning now.”
Joan’s cheeks reddened. Leave it to Kendall to put things bluntly.
“Leave them alone,” Gwen said. “You’re going to make them skittish.”
“Feel free to keep talking about us like we aren’t here,” Lucas said.
She squeezed his hand. “I’ll be right back.”
She made her way around the dock to the attached restroom. As she rounded a corner, she stopped. Emmie, Lucas’s last girlfriend, stood leaning against a post and staring at her phone, imagined into existence like a ghost from a past life.
She was very pretty, Joan thought. She was at least half a foot shorter than Joan and had dark, shiny hair. Standing next to the water with her matching tank and shorts with her sunglasses atop her head, she looked like an ad for women’s activewear.
“Emmie?”
She looked up, so startled Joan worried she would drop her phone into the lake.
“Oh. Hi, Joan.” Her smile was a bit strained, but she didn’t seem terribly unhappy to see Joan.
“What brings you here?” She glanced around, as though Emmie wouldn’t know what she meant by the question. She cringed at herself. She wasn’t usually socially awkward, but based on this exchange, she wasn’t sure.
“I liked it when we came last year,” Emmie said. “So I got some friends together for a girls’ trip.”
“Ah.” That did seem like a viable explanation. Lake Cumberland wasn’t a hotspot for Louisivillians to visit, but maybe that was the appeal for Emmie—getting far away from the city.
“I saw you and Lucas together.” Emmie raised her hand to her mouth, as though to chew on her fingernail, then lowered it again. “When you walked in.”
“We really were just friends,” Joan rushed to explain. “Until very recently.”
Emmie cocked her head and studied Joan. “You know, I do believe that. I think I fought with Lucas about it because I could sense there was something there, maybe even if you two didn’t know it. And I never, ever, thought I would be that girl. I’ve dated other men who are friends with girls.” She scoffed. “It made me feel insecure.”
“I’m sorry,” Joan said. She wasn’t sure what else to say. “I’m sure I would have felt the same way if the situations were reversed.”
Emmie shrugged. “No hard feelings, I promise.” She laughed ruefully. “God, it’s so hard to use that sentence and sound sincere, but I am.” She studied Joan some more, and Joan shifted. “Things might be different with you. When he was with me, he seemed super into me, then I could feel him pull away, so I hung on tighter.”
A little curl of unease wrapped itself around Joan’s sternum. She knew those things about Lucas, but hearing them out loud, from someone else, gave her pause.
“I’ve definitely been around to watch him operate. Things are casual for us right now, though.” She winced. That made it sound tawdry.
“Ah. That’s surprising.” Emmie shrugged. “Well, I do hope it works out, actually. He’s hopeless if he can’t make things work with you. I mean, you’re his best friend. It’s a no-brainer.”
“Um, thanks.”
Emmie flashed her another smile. “It was good to see you. Honest.”
They said their goodbyes, then Joan moved toward the bathroom door. She replayed the conversation again in her mind. She wanted to let go of her worrying for the rest of the night, but Emmie’s story didn’t quell her sense she might be making a monumental mistake with Lucas.