Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 36

36

L ucas turned his music down. The trees raced by on either side of them as they made the trip back to Louisville.

“We going back to your house?” Joan crossed her legs in the passenger seat.

“I’ll go where you go.” He picked her hand up and kissed it. She smiled at him, and his heart tumbled over itself. His imagination had been barreling ahead of him that weekend, unfortunately, to visions of sharing a house on a quiet street and, God help him, to a ring on her finger. He reined it in, but the fantasy was so appealing he almost blurted it out to her. He chalked it up to his usual penchant for falling in love.

Still, he was starting to think he was in real trouble—his feelings were huge and all-consuming, and they were getting worse all the time. Every time his brain charged ahead, he tried to stuff the thoughts into a back corner, but they continued to surface. He and Joan, decorating their first Christmas tree together as a married couple. Waking up together on a snowy morning when neither of them had to work, deciding to stay in bed a little longer. Vacations to the beach. Playing fetch with their dog, maybe. It was like a plague on his mind.

He took a deep breath. She wasn’t ready to hear any of that, and he wasn’t ready to share it. He’d done that before, the impulsive decisions based on fantasies, but he didn’t want to mess things up with Joan. It was so much worse with her, though. He was practically naming their children, and it sent a bolt of anxiety through his gut to think of how this might end.

“You okay?” He thought her demeanor seemed a little more subdued than usual.

“I feel a little guilty I couldn’t help Wyatt with the boys this weekend,” she said. “But that’s silly, right?”

“Yes,” he said. “That’s bullshit. You don’t have to be everything for everyone all the time.”

She breathed out a “ha.”

“Tell me how you really feel.”

“I’m serious. Loving your family doesn’t have to mean constant self sacrifice.”

“Yeah.” She plucked at a loose thread on her shorts. “I do love those boys, though. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have your own. The highs and lows have to be excruciating. I’m not sure I can stand it.”

His stomach lurched. Given that he had just been thinking about their future children, he wasn’t sure how to respond. He took a moment, tapping his fingers along the steering wheel.

“So wait, you don’t want kids then? I thought I remembered you saying you did.” He was careful not to sound eager, or upset, or anything that might feel like pressure to her.

“I definitely want kids. I always have. But I can’t imagine how it would feel, you know? It seems like such a powerful thing.” She looked at him, pulling her lips in as though she were choosing her next words carefully. “What about you? I guess I’ve never asked you about that.”

“I for sure want kids, too. I think I’m, like, made to be a dad or something.”

“You’ve got that vibe, I agree,” Joan said. “Dad jokes. Coaching little league teams. Manning the grill. I can see it for sure.”

Lucas laughed. His mind was off and running again, spinning images of their tall, blonde-haired children, who would no doubt have competitive streaks. Or not, and he would love them all the same. He could play catch with them, read them bedtime stories. Pick them up from school and give them hugs.

Oh, God. He was completely fucked.

Joan stared out the window. She still seemed upset, which was understandable. He grasped her hand again.

“You sure you’re gonna be alright?”

“Actually, there’s something else I wanted to mention.” She looked back at him. His heart stirred.

“I saw Emmie at the restaurant,” she said, and Lucas couldn’t have been more surprised if she said she’d met the entire Cubs lineup down at the dock.

“What the hell would she be doing there?”

“She really liked it when we were here last year, so she came back with friends. It’s not that out of the ordinary.”

“Yeah, I guess not,” Lucas said, though he still felt unsettled. He threw Joan a sharp glance. “Did she say something to you?”

“Nothing unkind, if that’s what you’re thinking. She’s not that type. I think she truly was feeling insecure about us. She wasn’t trying to force you to stop being friends with me or anything.”

She wrapped her arms around herself.

“So what’s got you rattled?”

“It’s nothing. It just felt a little weird, that’s all. Since the last time we were here, you guys were together.”

He didn’t think that was all, but he let it go for now.

“I’m glad it was us this time,” she said. “The two of us, I mean. No significant others.”

He felt lit from within, like he might burst with sunlight.

Yeah, he was fucked.

Lucas ignored yet another call from his dad. He mashed the red button with more force than necessary, but he didn’t want to talk to the man.

He’d been ruminating over whether he’d actually been a good father. Joan told him he saw the good in everyone, but maybe that was akin to simple naivety.

He thought of his childhood. Not only had his father missed games, but he’d sometimes flaked on other commitments at the last minute, citing work concerns. Lucas didn’t know if he really was working or if he’d been with another woman, but it almost didn’t matter. He bailed on a lot of things he’d promised to be present for. Lucas was reminded of a time as a preteen when his dad swore he would take him fishing one weekend, but Greg had ended up on the golf course with his friends instead.

His dad also grew bored pretty easily, so he started new projects and hobbies a lot, things like birdhouse building or woodworking or tennis. He would get Lucas and Jacob excited about it, then he wouldn’t follow through. He would spend tons of money on useless shit, which should have been a red flag for him.

You’re just like me. Something he’d experienced pride over now made him sick. He wouldn’t cheat on a woman, he knew he wouldn’t do that, but was jumping from woman to woman, falling in and out of love, any better?

Things with Joan felt different. More right somehow. How did he know, though? When he’d been so fickle in the past?

His phone rang again, and he started to decline it, but saw that James, his prospective boss, was video calling him.

“Hey, man,” James said when Lucas answered. “This an okay time?”

“Sure. Good to see you.” Lucas scanned James’ surroundings, noting the awards and photos decorating the man’s office, showcasing his dedication to his job and his players.

“I wanted to set up a definite time for you to come tour campus.” James leaned back in his office chair. “Get a feel for things.”

Lucas nodded. “Yeah, of course. This is a good time for me. Things are a little quieter in the fall.”

“Perfect.” James nodded. “Perfect. We could do some time next week, then? If that suits you. I gotta say, we’re eager to have you on board.”

A curl of unease squeezed Lucas’s chest. He’d been worried about moving away from Joan before, and now he had escalated to near panic at the thought. He needed to have a serious conversation with her about what could happen. If he was being honest, and he was trying to do that with himself, he wanted her with him. He couldn’t very well suggest that, especially given how their deal was supposed to be strictly therapeutic and not romantic. She’d made that clear.

“Next week sounds good,” Lucas finally said. He’d figure out how to deal with this somehow.