Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 38

38

“ W hat do you think?” Joan posed for Kendall, Maria, Gwen, and Christine, who all wore different colored versions of the same M&M costume. She was a green candy, and she felt a little ridiculous in her sleeveless dress and tutu, but such were the conventions of Halloween. In a rare stroke of luck, they all had the evening off work and were headed to Lucas’s for his annual Halloween party.

“You look fabulous,” Kendall said. “Lucas is going to faint.”

“You look amazing, too, Kendall,” Christine said, eyeing them. “I hate you both.” She glanced back up at Joan and Kendall. “Wait a second. Why would Lucas care?”

Joan bit the side of her lip. Her sister gaped at her.

“What? No fucking way.” Christine looked around at the rest of Joan’s friends. “Why does no one else act surprised?”

“It’s more complicated than it sounds.”

Christine closed her mouth, then opened it again. Everyone had fallen silent.

“I’m sorry.” Joan pulled Christine aside. “I was going to tell you at some point.”

“You’ve been swearing up and down for years that you’re just friends. How long’s this been going on?”

So Joan ended up telling Christine most of the story, or at least the highlights, as they got ready.

“You could have told me all that, Jo. I understand why you didn’t say anything about Lucas, but I could have handled the vaginismus stuff. I’m not scared of vagina talk.” She gave Joan a stern look. “It’s going to take me a while to get over the Lucas thing. But if it works for you guys, I’m happy for you, I guess.”

“We’re good, I promise. You won’t lose Luke either.”

Christine laughed at that. Once they all finished getting ready, they filed out of Kendall’s apartment.

“I, for one, am putting a jacket on,” Gwen said. “No grand entrance for me.”

“Come on, Gwen,” Christine said. “Is it really even Halloween if you aren’t uncomfortable and half freezing?”

“It’s not even that cold,” Kendall adjusted her tutu skirt. “It’s at least fifty degrees out there.”

“I’m going as a frazzled nurse next year,” Maria said. “Scrub pants on bottom, fleece quarter zip on top. We’re getting too old for this shit.”

“You guys did enthusiastically agree to this,” Kendall said, wobbling on one of her heels as she reached down to scratch her shin.

“Yeah, yeah.” Gwen pulled on a bulky brown jacket over her red costume. “We’ll get some pics, have a couple drinks, then sneak off to put on the sweatpants I know we’re all secretly longing for.”

They moved toward Joan’s front door. Joan, for one, was glad everyone was in good spirits. Kendall had been uncharacteristically quiet in the last few weeks, Maria was still in a post relationship funk, Christine had been experiencing intense job stress, and Gwen was always a little cantankerous, but she’d been even more so since her last argument with her parents.

Joan, knowing what the ride share apps would be like that night, was glad Gwen had offered to drive. The five of them squeezed into her Camry.

“Joan, are you planning to stay at Luke’s?” Gwen checked her lipstick in the mirror before she backed out, belying her earlier claim about not wanting to make an entrance. Her red lips and red costume made for a striking combination.

“That’s the plan.”

Christine scoffed in the back seat. “I still can’t believe you all knew when I didn’t.”

The street in front of Lucas’s house was already crowded by the time they arrived. In truth, his house was probably too small for a Halloween party, but he was respectful of his neighbors, and kept the music volume reasonable and the end time early enough not to draw complaints.

Lucas answered the door in a short-sleeved button up, a pair of thick black glasses, and a backward hat, holding a baseball glove at his side. He faltered for a moment when he saw her, his jaw going slack before recovering.

“Welcome, ladies.”

She kissed him on the cheek before giving his costume a thorough perusal. “Squints? From the Sandlot?”

“Good job.”

“That’s kind of a deep cut, don’t you think?”

“Nah, it’s a classic now.” He ushered everyone in. “Come on. There are apps in the kitchen.”

She’d helped him prepare that day, the two of them a picture of domesticity as they chopped red onion for guacamole and arranged a tray of cheese and crackers. He was expecting around thirty people, and the amount of prep work and cleaning involved had been exhausting. Someone spilled red punch on the counter, and she grimaced.

A tug on her arm had her teetering toward the corner. She caught a flash of Lucas’s eyes burning as he brought his arm around her. He put his lips next to her ear, speaking softly.

“You are literally going to kill me,” he whined. “How am I supposed to get through the next four hours?”

“It’s not that long.” She ran her hand along his back, inching along the muscle bulk there. He still felt strong, even years after playing sports regularly. He was thicker than he had been, yes, but still muscular under that additional layer.

He set his lips against the side of her face again.

“In the meantime, I’m going to be quietly losing my mind. Don’t worry about me.”

Joan giggled. She felt effervescent around this man in a way that remained inexplicable to her.

“You don’t mind me being a little taller than you in my heels?”

“God, no. That’s really doing things for me.”

“Later,” she whispered.

Lucas let one hand trail along her thigh and groaned. She caught his wandering hand.

“Christine knows,” she told him.

He pulled back from her, watching her reaction. “Yeah? Are you okay with that?”

“I am, actually. I feel relieved about it.”

He eyed her until she broke away, pulling him behind her. He was promptly derailed by Jacob, who greeted her warmly in his vampire costume. Joan waved but continued on toward the patio. They’d set up space heaters around the furniture there, and she thought her friends had moved in that direction.

She found Christine talking to Eric. He had on a rugby jersey and no jacket, displaying his defined biceps.

“Kind of a low effort costume, don’t you think?”

Eric turned to Joan, a wide grin on his already affable face. He plucked at his jersey.

“Standard dude costume,” he said.

Christine rolled her eyes. She ran her hands over her orange costume, which she’d complained didn’t suit her coloring even though Joan thought she looked fabulous. Eric’s eyes tracked the movement. Interesting.

Eric nodded at Christine’s drink. “I’m going to grab another beer. You want anything else?”

"No thanks.” She offered him a dazzling smile, which was also fascinating. “My sister’s company is enough for me.”

“Okay, now I know you’re bullshitting,” Joan said as Eric walked away.

“What do you mean? Of course I love your company.” She nudged Joan’s toe with her own. “But I gotta say. You and Lucas…”

“What is it?”

“I thought you guys were just messing around,” Christine said. “And I couldn’t decide if it was a horrid idea or not. I was leaning toward it being a bad thing, honestly, despite what I said earlier. I was expecting an implosion, and a lot of self-flagellation on your part. But the way he looks at you, Joan.”

“Yeah?” Her heart sped up.

“He’s completely gone for you,” Christine said after some hesitation. “I can hardly believe what’s happening. And now, I don’t know. I’m kinda rooting for you. I mean, if I had a camera, I would have shown you the look he was giving you.”

“Well. Don’t get your hopes up too high. Maybe the dry ice from the beer bucket was bothering his eyes.”

Kendall strolled up to them and put an arm around each of their shoulders.

“What’s the tea?” She was the blue m&m. Christine had tried to cajole her into switching costumes, but Kendall told her it would be a cold day in hell before she put on Tennessee orange.

“Who has tea?” Maria stuck her head into their circle. She wore yellow, and Joan had said so before, but it really was the perfect color for her.

“Lucas loves Joan.” Christine leaned into their group. “I’ve seen it.”

“Of course he does,” Kendall said. “Who wouldn’t?”

“You guys are ridiculous. I know he loves me, but he’s not in love with me.” She glanced around them at the backyard, which they’d decorated with pumpkins and strings of LED lights. A cold gust sent the lights swinging. “Let’s talk about something else.”

Gwen noticed them when she stepped out of the patio doors. “Is this how this party works? Instead of mingling, we just hang with the people we see all the time?”

“Is that wrong?” Maria took a sip of her drink.

“No, just checking. What’s going on? This looks like a meeting.” She wedged her way into the cluster.

“We were talking about Joan and Lucas, but she wants us to be done now,” Kendall said. “Anyone else have juicy tidbits? Feels like we’re sharing.”

“I’ve been talking to Jay again,” Maria blurted. She turned a deep mahogany shade at her admission. Joan wasn’t sure she’d seen her blush like that before. “Sorry, I’ve been holding that in for a while.”

“Just talking?” Gwen trained her eyes on Maria.

“Yes,” Maria said. “Only talk.”

Eric chose that moment to return.

“Now I feel like I’m intruding.” He sipped from his plastic cup.

“No, you’re good.” Christine took his arm and pulled him across the patio. Joan smiled at their retreating forms. There was definitely something there.

“You need to spill?” Joan laid an arm across Maria’s shoulders.

“Maybe later.” Maria’s face had cooled. “When we aren’t around dozens of other people. I’m not sure what I was thinking.”

“Sometimes you gotta get something off your chest,” Kendall said.

They stood and chatted for a while. Joan filled them in on her Celeste update.

“I don’t trust that bitch.” Kendall put a hand on her hip. “I’ve seen it before. She gets called out on her atrocious behavior, so then she plays all nice, but inside she’s still the same bitter, miserable gremlin.”

“I’m just happy things are calmer now, honestly. I’ll take it.”

They’d been standing there for the better part of an hour, so Joan decided she should socialize. She made her way inside and grabbed a bottle of water. Once she was out in the hallway, someone clutched her arm. She turned to find Lucas pulling her toward his bedroom.

“So we’ve gone full caveman now?”

He shut the door behind him and walked her backward so that she was pinned against it.

“Sorry,” he said, then he lunged for her as she was reaching for him.

Their hands were everywhere as they angled their heads and planted desperate, hungry kisses on one another, tongues tangling and breaths heavy. Lucas grabbed handfuls of her ass and pulled her toward him. It bordered on embarrassing, this display.

He lay his forehead against hers. “We can go back out. I needed that.”

She put her palm on him. “You might need to wait a minute.”

“Ha. It’s my party. Can’t I walk around with an erection?”

“Gross. We’ll get everyone out by midnight, if you want.”

She socialized for another hour or so, then Joan grabbed a blanket from the living room before she and Lucas rejoined their friends on the patio. An assortment of mismatched chairs circled the area around the space heaters, and the number of people milling about had dwindled so that mostly their close friends remained. Gwen and Maria had indeed changed into sweatpants and sweatshirts, and Joan loved them for that. Christine stood off to one side chatting with Eric, and Paulo stood in his short sleeves, braced against the wind like a Roman gladiator whose muscle mass protected him from cold temperatures.

Paulo turned to Joan and Lucas. His eyebrows flew up. “Is this a friendly lap thing?”

Christine, who had joined the circle with Eric, pointed an accusing finger at Joan. “No, it’s a whole secret affair thing. Sneaky bastards.”

“Wait, what?” Eric twisted around to stare. His mouth dropped open. “You guys are a thing now?” His head swiveled between the two of them. “You had everyone fooled, huh?”

Joan blushed. As she shifted in his lap, Lucas’s hand wandered up her skirt. A blanket concealed them, and his fingers drifted slowly, but a flood of nervous exhilaration still washed over her. She steadied her voice before replying.

“It’s really new. We were honestly only friends before that,” Joan said. Her voice hitched a little as Lucas toyed with the hem of her underwear. He slipped a finger under, and she would swear her face flushed crimson.

“It works,” Kendall said.

Lucas traced his finger over her, and she widened her legs. Next to her ear, his breath caught. He exhaled a low “fuck.”

“Alright,” Gwen said. “I’m ready when you are, ladies. Sans Joan, that is.”

Christine made another affronted noise. “How were you planning to pull off staying here? When you didn’t think I would find out, I mean?”

“I would have thought of something. Lucas probably would have needed my help to clean up.”

Christine laughed. The party started wrapping up as the others decided to go, and Lucas finally pulled his hand away.

“You’re evil,” she whispered.

“You have no idea, Joan. No idea.”

Lucas traced circles on Joan’s stomach with his index finger. He watched her face as she caught her breath.

Back in her early twenties, Joan had visited Crater Lake out in Oregon, and she remembered being awestruck. Lucas stared at her with the sort of reverence one might reserve for something like that, like she might be one of the wonders of the world.

Only the two of them remained in his house. They’d cleared everyone out an hour before, and had already been fooling around. He’d given her two orgasms in quick succession.

“What is it?” He kissed her on her abdomen.

“I want to try something.”

“Sure. Anything.”

“I’m a little nervous.” She rolled over and faced him.

He trailed his fingers down her arm. “It’s okay, Shirley. We can do whatever.”

“So, maybe we can save the nicknames for when we aren’t in bed together?”

“Now where’s the fun in that?”

She laughed. Wind whistled outside, knocking a tree branch into the side of Lucas’s house. Considering what she was about to suggest, she almost laughed. It was Halloween, and she felt like a character in a horror movie, where she’d be one of the stupid teenagers about to lose her virginity.

Lucky for her, she didn’t believe in the concept of “losing” something when it came to a sexual activity.

Lucas drummed his fingers on her forearm. “I gotta say, I’m extremely curious here.”

“I want you to be inside me. Without moving, if you think you can do that.” Joan held her breath.

Lucas’s eyes flicked up to hers.

“You sure?” he said in a strangled voice. He tipped her chin toward him with his hand. “It’s okay if you still aren’t ready.”

“I want to. I promise.”

“Alright.” He nodded several times, looking like someone incapable of further speech. “Do we, uh, need anything for protection?”

“I’m on the pill. I knew I would want to do this eventually, and I thought condoms might make things worse in terms of discomfort.” She looked at him. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” he choked out.

“This is, like, horribly clinical and not spontaneous, right? I mean, who has to plan for sex this way?”

He kissed her then.

“Who cares what other people do?” He peppered kisses down the side of her neck. “We can still make it good.”

She rolled herself on top of him, straddling him. He grasped at her hips. She leaned over and kissed him again, twisting her tongue around his. His hands roamed all over her, down her thighs and over her breasts, sparking desire in all her nerve endings. They kissed for several minutes, grabbing handfuls of flesh with roaming hands.

“Please.” Lucas shivered. His pupils swallowed his irises. “ Please, Joan, I’m hanging on by a thread here.”

She could do this, she knew it. She grabbed some of the lube she’d brought with her, then moved to sprawl atop him again once she’d used some. He went still as concrete underneath her.

“You look like you’re afraid to move,” she said.

He laid a tentative hand on her leg.

“I’m letting you take the lead.” His hands shook where he held her.

She grasped his cock with her hand and then sank down on him, moving with excruciating slowness until she was almost fully seated, letting him stretch her like one of her dilators. She noted a pinch, but nothing like she’d experienced in the past. She breathed into her pelvic muscles, forcing herself to relax. She pushed down a little further. Another pinch, but manageable. Lucas produced an inarticulate gasping, choking sound.

“Oh, Joan. That’s—” He closed his eyes, tendons straining in his neck, unable to finish his sentence. She watched him, not moving. As for herself, she could cry with happiness. The pain was minimal, and she could rotate her hips a bit. She felt full, and maybe like this could be pleasurable at the right angle and with enough practice. She squeezed her pelvic floor muscles and then relaxed them. She rocked again, and Lucas released a tortured, delicious groan. He gripped her hips with bruising force.

“I’m so close, Joan. Like, right there. You feel so, so amazing. Give me a second.”

She stilled for a moment, staring at the tension in his jaw.

“I wanted to try this without moving,” she said. “But I think I can shift around. Just a little, if that’s alright.” At his enthusiastic nod, she lifted a bit, trying to relax her muscles as much as she could, then pushed back down.

“Jesus. Oh fuck, Joan, fuck.” He shuddered, his hips undulating, and she realized he was coming. She could feel him pulsing, emptying inside her.

She stilled before moving off of him.

“Sorry,” he said, putting his hands over his face. “I’m so sorry. I’ve never had a problem like that before, I swear. Well, not since the first time I went down on you. You’re going to think this is how I am.”

Joan put a finger to his lips. “Clearly, sex isn’t some perfectly choreographed scene. It’s just people trying to make each other feel good.”

He threw his arms over his eyes. “Stop. It’s okay.”

“I won’t stop.” She pulled his arm away and kissed him. “I really liked it. Also, you’re making this about you, and I just had maybe the most significant breakthrough in my whole journey.”

He smiled at her.

“Sorry again,” he said. “Ego problems. But yeah? You were good?”

“I was. Hardly any discomfort. I think we can try again soon.”

He covered his face again with his hands. “I’m an ass. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen, though.”

She kissed him again.

They looped their arms around each other. Another gust of wind rattled a tree limb outside Lucas’s bedroom window. She wanted to curl up with him for the rest of the night. She lifted her head from his chest.

“I know I said this already, but I still think maybe I didn’t get across just how difficult this problem has made things for me,” Joan said. “It was this heartbreaking thing. It was a huge problem in every relationship I’ve ever had.” She felt near tears, so she took a deep breath. “I know I could still be happy with someone, but its been really hard. I ended up resenting my body.”

“I won’t lie. Obviously, I love having sex with you. Any kind of sex,” he amended. He pulled his arm from her to tuck it under his own head. “You’re my favorite person, Joan. You’re beautiful, caring, and amazing. Ferocious about winning. And still my best friend.”

“You’re pretty great as well.” She put her hand on his sternum and ran her fingers down to his stomach. “And I like your chest hair.”

He laughed.

“Well, you’d be the first.” His eyes tracked over her face. “Joan.”

“What is it?”

“I want to be together.” He swallowed. “I’ll keep doing this a little longer if you need it, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand. I’m just, I’m dying here. I want you so much. Like a constant ache. Not just in my bed, but as a partner.” Her chest expanded as he spoke. Her thoughts tumbled over one another, but she tried to focus on him. “I don’t want you to say yes solely because I’m asking. But what do you want?”

“I want the same thing as you,” she said quietly, feeling an immense relief at saying it even though she could hardly get the words out. “I’m so scared, though.”

He grasped her hand and pulled it to him. “What is it that scares you?”

“Having an awful fight. Ruining us forever. You getting tired of us. Having pain again and not being able to keep doing what we just did.”

“I know. I do know all of that. You’re so important to me, though. I think we’ll be okay no matter what.”

She continued looking at him, then she pulled him to her for a tender kiss. It felt inevitable, the way she was falling for him.

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s do it.”

He beamed at her.

“It’s going to be amazing, Joan.” He kissed her, a long exploration of her mouth that left her breathless. “We’ll make each other so happy.”

“It’s going to feel strange to call me your girlfriend, right?”

“I can’t wait.”