Chapter 46
46
“ M erry Christmas, you jolly assholes.”
Gwen toasted the group. They were at her townhouse, celebrating with their annual gift exchange the week before Christmas.
Kendall sniffed her plate. “What kind of cheese is this? It smells like dirty laundry.”
“Aren’t you the one who brought it?” Maria adjusted the Santa hat that perched atop her curls.
“I ordered a charcuterie board. I guess I didn’t really pay attention.”
“I love smelly cheese.” Gwen plucked some from the board. She eyed Joan. “How’s it going, Jo? You still seem so down.”
Joan hitched one shoulder up. “I’ll be okay.”
“It’s alright if you’re not.” Maria leaned back in her chair. “What are you going to do?”
“Good question.” Joan sighed and took a bite of a candy cane-shaped cookie. “I miss Lucas so much.” She sighed again. “But I’m not sure what he wants now. It makes me nervous to even bring it up.”
“But you’re going to reach out?” This from Gwen.
“Yes, that’s the plan. Before the holidays are over. I’m hoping we can at least still be friends. Feels like my life is missing something without him. No offense to you guys, though.” She smiled sadly. “Any advice on what I should say?” She looked around the table.
“Tell him what you told us,” Maria said. “Tell him you still want friendship, at least. Or more, if you still want that.”
“I’m afraid we can’t get that back, but I’m trying to get better at asking for what I want.”
“Good for you.” Kendall circled the table to give Joan a hug. “The gift I got you is totally going to cure all your blues, though.”
Joan laughed. “I’m counting on that.”
Kendall presented her with a little framed piece of art featuring the four of them in line art style, set against a beach background. As promised, Joan adored it. She hugged Kendall.
“I am so lucky I have you ladies.”
On Christmas Eve, Joan awoke to a text chime. She had to work that day, so the sound came only a little before her alarm would have gone off.
She peered at her phone.
Lucas
I just wanted you to know that I miss you, and I’ll be thinking of you today and tomorrow. And forever, actually. Love, Lucas
Her eyes watered. Damn him. She missed him so much she couldn’t sleep for it. She thought of Christine’s words—just do what you want—and she couldn’t stand it anymore.
I miss you too, Luke. I’m working today, but do you want to meet after for a little while? I’ll have to go see my family, but maybe we can talk for a few minutes.
Lucas
Seriously? Yes! Of course I do! I’ll meet you at your work at seven.
She grinned at his enthusiasm.
Lucas
And Joan? All my time is yours.
When she got to work, Jennifer pulled her into her office again.
“No offense, but I’m going to have some lasting trauma from these meetings.”
She’d been joking, but Jennifer’s somber expression didn’t change.
“I am very sorry for all you’ve been through since you’ve worked here, Joan. I just wanted to give you an update.”
Joan didn’t sit, but she braced herself with one hand on a chair, listening intently.
“Celeste has been terminated from her position with us. We also reported her to the board. We are still deciding on further action, but just know that for now, she won’t be an ongoing problem for you.”
“That’s good to know.” She did sag with relief, even though she’d known it was coming.
“You were right about it being personal, too. She made it clear that you weren’t suited for a rehab unit, but I disagree with her. I think you’ve been doing very well under the circumstances.”
“Well I appreciate that,” Joan said. “I’ve never experienced anything even remotely close to this. I’ve gotten along with basically all my other coworkers.” She knew she’d come a long way when she didn’t care that Celeste didn’t like her.
“Well, I think the unit will be a lot more harmonious now. Again, I’m sorry for what you’ve endured.”
Joan inclined her head. “I’m glad it’s resolved, anyway.”
Christmas Eve on the unit was more sedate than she expected. Most of the patients still had therapy, but there was a more festive vibe with fun activities, and things seemed to wrap up a little earlier than usual. Family members brought sweets to the nurses’ station. Overall, she enjoyed her day, even if she’d rather be with her family.
As expected, Lucas was in the parking lot when she walked to her car. The way he leaned against his red truck with his arms crossed and flurries swirling in the air made him look like he was posing for December in a calendar. She quickened her pace, then threw her arms around him. He gave a startled twitch, but returned her embrace.
He didn’t let go of her for a long moment. The pressure of his arms around her felt like finding a warm fire after a night out in the cold. He rocked with her, side to side, melting away some of the unspoken grief between them.
“I’m so sorry, Lucas.” She buried her face in his coat. “I was really shitty.”
“Hey.” He tipped her chin up. “I said mean things, too. I’m sorry I made everything worse. And I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about the potential move. I just couldn’t figure out how to bring it up.”
She clutched at him. “I don’t want you to hide things like that from me, Lucas. I can help you with them.”
“I know that now, trust me. It won’t happen again.” He stepped back but kept his hands on her shoulders. “So, are we friends again now, or what is happening here? I don’t think my heart can take much more jerking around.”
Her heart plummeted.
“God. I’m sorry. Of course we’re friends.” It hurt her to refer to them that way, when the things she felt for him were still closer to the “love of her life” category. It sounded like he wanted to be friends, though, instead of romantic partners, and she could understand that. Maybe that was easier. She would get used to it again, eventually.
“You want to come see my family with me?”
Lucas beamed at her. “I really, really do.”
She rode with him, agreeing they could always come back for her car later. They chatted politely, but no one said anything of substance, and she wondered what he was thinking. As for herself, she thought he looked delectable, and that she missed him so much it felt like she’d gone without oxygen until she saw him again and could take a deep breath. She wanted him back, as her boyfriend, and yet he didn’t bring up the topic of their relationship. She was left lamenting their big fight, and hoping she wasn’t too late.
He did smile at her a few times, so she soaked up his good humor. No matter what he wanted, her holiday felt more complete with him in it.
“Tradition dictates that all of us are allowed to open one gift tonight,” Wyatt announced. His Santa hat perched askew on his head. He had one twin on each knee. The white lights of the Christmas tree cast a faint glow on the members of her family, and Joan clutched a mug of cider and a fleece throw to her as she surveyed the scene.
The Coleman siblings had long-standing rituals when it came to Christmas. Now that the siblings were all adults, they shopped for each other as well. It amounted to too many gifts, probably, and they would likely be better served by drawing names at some point, especially with the addition of new partners or more children, but for now, it suited them.
“What about Lucas? He shouldn’t have to sit here while we all open gifts.” Joan’s mom held her dad’s hand on the couch.
Lucas started to wave that away, to say he didn’t care, but Joan pulled something from under the tree.
“I put this here a few weeks ago,” she said with a sly smile. “When I wasn’t sure where we’d be celebrating.”
No one in her family commented on that, though she could feel their curious gazes burning her skin.
He took the gift gingerly, as though it contained something precious. He seemed gobsmacked, even though they always got each other a gift.
“I have something for you as well. It’s at my house.” His cheeks colored.
He reached for her, but pulled back. They’d been circling one another without actually touching, being careful with their words and their space, a dance at arm’s length. She kept stealing looks at him to find him doing the same with her. She wanted to talk with him, to see what he was thinking, but they’d have to save it.
“I think our guest should go first,” her dad announced, even though the twins were now jumping up and down, frothing at the mouth for their gifts. Wyatt wrapped a restraining arm around each of their torsos.
Lucas protested, but her parents insisted. Usually, he opened a gift like a feral animal, with no regard for ribbons or wrapping paper. He opened this one slowly and with great care. He pulled out the long box and removed each piece of tape.
“Wow.” He grinned, extracting his gift. She’d gotten him a framed print of Wrigley field from when the Cubs won the World Series. She thought his eyes looked a little shiny as he gazed at it. “This is great, Jo.” He swung his head toward her, and one side of his mouth kicked up. Her heart issued a sharp knock in her chest. She was in love with this man. Her body announced it with each glance in his direction. If they stayed only friends, his move might prove useful, so she could get the distance she needed to get over him.
After that, they let the twins go, who each got a set of Hot Wheels cars. Joan opened a new sweatshirt, and Ben opened three different books from his siblings—he was really into lists, so they’d gotten him a travel bucket list book, a book of one thousand must see movies, and a book of one thousand things everyone needed to know, respectively.
Joan laid a hand on Lucas’s arm when they left.
“Will you come over for a bit?” Her eyes landed on him.
“Absolutely.”
Joan lounged on her couch with Lucas. Her own small Christmas tree threw light across the dim room.
“Brenda.”
She turned her head toward him. The playful nickname couldn’t mask the tension etched into his jaw.
“Are we friends?” His voice sounded uncharacteristically small. Pain pricked her, but she swallowed it.
“You should have gone with Carol.” She smiled at him. “But yeah, I do want to be friends.”
She thought she caught a hint of dismay before he smiled again.
“Me too.” Maybe not, then. He didn’t seem too put out. To be fair, this was usually how he operated, falling in and out of love. Maybe they really were better off being only friends.
“Can I say something, though?”
“Anything. I’m listening,” she said.
“You deserve love. No matter what your body can or can’t do.”
Her eyes stung. She inhaled through her nose, noting the scent of his laundry detergent. He looked at her like he might be expecting a bullet.
“I know that now. And you’ve definitely taught me that, so thank you.” She inched toward him. “So you really think we can still be close?”
He threaded his fingers through her. His eyes watered, and he swiped his other sleeve across his face. His voice seemed thick when he answered.
“I mean, sometimes you just find someone who makes sense for you, someone you can’t imagine living life without, friend or lover. I think we have that. We knew it even when we were kids.”
“You’re more a wordsmith than you think.” She brought their joined hands to her lips to kiss the back of his.
They popped popcorn and watched some of a Christmas movie together. They had a friendly argument over whether Christmas trees should be real (Lucas) or artificial (Joan), and another heated discussion about what made something qualify as a holiday movie.
“It’s okay to be wrong,” Lucas said. “A Christmas movie has to revolve around, you know, Christmas. Princess bride doesn’t qualify.”
“But there are Christmas decorations! And snow. The grandpa character gives the kid a gift.”
Lucas shook his head. “Nope. Doesn’t count.”
“Fine, fine. I’m still hanging onto Gremlins, though.”
“That is also, honestly, absurd.”
It was nearing midnight before Lucas stood from the couch.
“Wait,” Joan said. “You never told me what you’re doing about the job.”
He pinned his gaze on her. “I haven’t decided yet. What do you think I should do?”
She returned his stare. Time suspended, with the tree lights blinking and credits rolling on the television along with a Christmas song. Laughter echoed in her apartment stairwell. She wanted to be brave.
“If it’s what you want, I think you should take it.”
His shoulders fell.
“I need to say something else, though,” she said.
He raised an eyebrow, seeming to wait with his breath held.
“I worried about doing things only to please someone else. That’s been a big problem for me.”
“I know. And I’m glad you aren’t letting anyone walk all over you. You shouldn’t.”
“That’s not what’s happening here, though. I’m still in love with you,” she said quietly. “I can’t just turn it off. So if you want to be only friends, I’ll need some time to process that.”
He sat down, then sagged against the couch, letting go of her hand.
“God, Joan. I’m so glad to hear you say that.” He scooted close to her. “I’ve been in the whole time. I love you so much, it’s like,” he glanced up at the ceiling, searching for words, “it’s like I’ve discovered a new religion.”
“You couldn’t have fucking led with that?”
He laughed, and the sound was relieved and delighted at the same time. He didn’t stop looking at her, tracing her face with his eyes.
“We should talk about some of our concerns, though, right? Just to clear the air.”
“This is it for me, if that’s what you mean.” Her heart lifted. “I know I’ve seemed fickle to you in the past, but I’m not, at least not when it comes to this. None of my other relationships were right for me, that’s all. This one is. I know it, deep down. I said you deserve love, exactly as you are, and I have lots of it to give you.”
Her eyes stung.
“I was thinking more about you moving to Northern Kentucky,” she said. “What are we going to do about that?”
“I’ll turn the job down if you want. I don’t give a damn.”
“I don’t necessarily want that.” Her heart issued several steady thumps, reminding her of the terrible suspense she’d been feeling as it settled into a relieved rhythm. “If you’re in this for real, I would consider moving. I can find a rehab job there.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course I would.” She ran her hand through his hair, and he shivered. “You told me I deserve love. You’re worth it too, Luke. You’re a good man. A great man.”
“You know, I actually believe you. Or at least I’m trying to.”
“You make me happy, Luke.” She shifted so that one leg slung over him. “What about the physical stuff? Are you sure you’re on this journey with me, no matter what?”
“Of course. I meant that.”
“You can’t treat me like spun glass, either. I’m not fragile.”
“I know. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
He leaned toward her then and cupped her jaw. She savored that moment of electric anticipation before his lips met hers, soft and gentle. The kiss turned feverish as they angled their heads back and forth.
Lucas stood and offered her his hand. “I don’t care what we do here. I just need you.”
Joan followed him into the bedroom, stumbling as they stopped to kiss. They shed clothing in quick stages.
He kissed his way down her body, stopping to look up at her.
“Can I?”
Joan nodded. Her body burned with her need for him. He lowered his head, devouring her like he couldn’t get enough. After a time, she was writhing and panting, and her climax hit her with enough force to have stars dancing in her head.
She rolled on top of him when he moved back to the bed. “Let’s try this again.”
“You sure?” He stroked a hand down her face.
“Yes.” She pulled out lube from her bedside table.
She grasped him and lowered herself onto him. He kept his eyes on her, his gaze roaming her body, her legs, like he wanted to memorize the curves and angles of her form. He groaned when she seated herself.
She stilled for a moment, savoring the feeling.
“You good?” He propped himself on his elbows.
“Yeah.” She smiled. “I am. And you?”
“Ungh.” He grunted when she rocked forward. “I have literally never been better.”
She moved on him, trying to find an angle that worked for her, and he moved with her.
“Can you get there this way?” Lucas gasped. He had a sheen of perspiration covering his neck and forehead.
“I don’t think so, unless I have a toy. Or fingers?”
Lucas touched her, circling her clit as she rode him until she was cresting the wave of another climax. He laid back, moaning as she sank down again.
“Can you move a little faster?” He looked wrecked and on edge at the same time. She picked up her pace, surprised to find that she could do that without any pain.
He came with a muffled shout as he threw a forearm across his mouth. She wanted to bottle that noise and listen to it every day for the rest of her life. She loved watching him come undone that way.
He curled around her in the bed once they had cleaned up. They still hadn’t put their clothes back on, and she reveled in the feeling of his skin against hers.
“Do you think this was always where we were headed?” She laid her forehead against his. “Were we just kidding ourselves with the friendship thing?
He shook his head. “We are friends. A good friendship is amazing on its own, and I wasn’t lying to you when I said I loved having that with you. It’s okay if that’s all we were before. This is going to be great, too.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“It is, though.” He propped himself on an elbow. “I love you. I want to be your friend, but I also want to be your husband someday.” He kissed the corner of her eye. “This feels like forever.”
“Yeah?”
“I would marry you right now, Joan, and I’m not even kidding. I can’t wait.”
Her whole body lit up at that. She could envision that future—all their mornings together, and travel, and kids. She wanted it, too.
“I think we at least need a little planning, right? We’ll get there. You can be patient.”
“I really can’t.”
She laughed.
“You were serious about wanting kids? That was definitely one of the reasons I wanted to work on my problem, so that I could have that someday. If it works out, that is.”
He skimmed a hand over her stomach, and she shrieked at the tickling sensation.
“There’s something so appealing about that. Like, seeing you pregnant with my baby. I think I would like it.” He pulled her to him. “If we can. And if not, we’ll figure out something else. I do think we’d make great parents.”
“There’s a possibility this problem is going to happen again. I can’t guarantee I won’t need future treatment, or that it won’t happen in specific instances.” Joan’s tone grew solemn.
“I’m with you no matter what. I promise.”
“I love you,” she said. She kissed him. “Just in case you needed to hear it again.”
“Always. I want to hear it every day. And I love you too, Joan. You have no idea how much.”
She did, though. She could see it shining in his eyes, radiating from his body when he was near her. She couldn’t believe she had doubted it. She couldn’t wait to do life with him.