Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 45

45

L ucas’s phone rang for the third time in a row. He checked it again on the off chance it was Joan, but no dice. Instead, his dad was calling repeatedly. He sighed and answered.

“Yeah?”

“Lucas.” Greg cleared his throat. Lucas had started thinking of him by his name sometimes, because it hurt sometimes to think of him as “dad.” “How are you?”

“Are you calling to chat?”

His father sighed, and it sounded so much like his own that he tensed.

“I’d like to talk to you, yes. If you’ll meet me somewhere. Maybe for coffee? It won’t take long.”

Lucas paused.

“Please, Lucas. I just want to see you.”

“Okay, fine. I’ve got about an hour.”

They arranged to meet at a place up the street from Lucas. He threw his coat on, annoyed at the cold mist coming down when he walked out his front door. It was just like Greg to ask him to come out in the nasty weather. Which probably wasn’t a fair criticism, but he wasn’t willing to give his father a centimeter of grace.

The heat from the coffee shop enveloped him when he opened the door. The smell of coffee did, too, with its rich, nutty, caramelized notes. His father was already seated in the corner, scrolling through his phone with his brow furrowed. He glanced up when Lucas entered. Lucas hated the hopeful spark in his chest, like he was a young boy again, wanting his father’s approval when he played a good game or behaved well.

Lucas got his decaf latte and settled in front of his dad.

“You were already in the neighborhood, I take it?”

“Uh, yeah. I thought you might not want me at your house, so I suggested here instead.”

Lucas didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to make this easy on him.

“I’m in therapy,” his father said.

“Good for you.” Lucas took a sip of his latte. “So am I.”

Greg nodded.

“I’m glad. And son,” his voice broke, “I’m really sorry. I know I was an awful husband to your mother, and I have a lot of regret over how I treated her.”

“You aren’t a great dad, either.” Greg’s face collapsed at that. Lucas thought that barb would feel better to launch, but it didn’t. It made him sadder. “You were around, yeah, but you’ve lied so much I’m not sure I even know who you are. And you gaslight us when we try to call you on your mistakes, as though this is all our fault. So.” He trailed off.

“I deserve that.”

“You do, but it doesn’t feel good to say it.” Lucas took another sip of his drink, just for something to do. “Is this what you wanted, then? To apologize?”

“I wanted you to know that I’m working on myself. And I still want to see you and your brother.”

“That decision isn’t really up to you, now, is it?” Lucas knew he was being cruel, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. This man had hurt him irreparably, and his only power came with hurting him back, digging into his weak spots. He didn’t like himself in that moment, but he didn’t like his dad, either.

“I know.” He steepled his fingers. “I have some hope that I can salvage something with you guys, even though your mother and I are through. I couldn’t stand it if I didn’t get to be part of your lives. I’ll take anything you give me at this point.”

Lucas shifted uncomfortably. He’d heard his father beg his mother before, but he’d never had it directed at him. It made him squirm, this needy display. You’re just like me. He looked away, toward a brick column attached to the wall next to them.

The silence stretched like putty between them.

“I said you were a lot like me,” his father finally said, as though reading his mind. “You aren’t, not in the ways that count. The way you care about others is a lot less selfish than me. I was determined to see myself in you, but you’re a better man than me.”

Lucas’s eyes stung. It shouldn’t matter what this man said, and he shouldn’t give a damn. His praise should be as meaningless as his criticism, but of course it didn’t work that way. The truth was, he’d been wanting to hear that sentiment, and it smoothed something jagged in him.

“I need some time,” Lucas said after he composed himself. “And I’ll be honest, I’m not sure where I’ll land in terms of how much contact we’ll have in the near future. If you really think you can change, you’ll have to show me. And I don’t think I can ever forgive you for how you hurt Mom, so please don’t ask me to.”

His father nodded, wiping his own eyes.

“That’s fair.” His eyes roamed over Lucas’s face. “You got anyone special in your life now? Anyone you’re spending the holidays with?”

“I mean, I’m sure I’ll spend some of it with Mom, and Aunt Kate’s family. Maggie texted me about tomorrow night, but I’m not sure yet.” He planned to keep seeing his dad’s family, but he might need some distance even from them for a period. She would try to push him to forgive his father right away, he knew. “I was seeing someone, but I think that might be over now. I wish it wasn’t.” Why he was opening up to his father, he had no idea. Force of habit, he supposed.

“Ah. I’m sorry, son. Anyone I’ve met?”

“You didn’t know?” When his father shook his head, Lucas laughed. “It’s Joan. She and I had something.”

Greg’s brows shot nearly to his hairline.

“Wow. I really thought that would never happen.” He frowned, looking so much like Jacob, and probably Lucas, too, that Lucas grimaced. “She’d be good for you. I always liked that girl. But it didn’t work, you said? I hate to hear it.”

“I’m trying to figure out how to fix things.”

His dad smiled. “See? That’s another difference between you and me. You fight for what you want. I’m like a weed blowing in the wind, letting things happen to me.”

Lucas didn’t say much to that, but the thought lodged in his brain anyway. He felt like he’d given up, but he shouldn’t have. Joan was more important to him than that.

They chatted idly for a few more minutes, but when it was clear they had little else to say to each other, Lucas stood, empty cup in hand. His father reached for him, and Lucas let him pull him into a hug, because what the hell.

“Merry Christmas, son.”

“Merry Christmas.”