Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 44

44

J oan dragged herself to work. It was raining, an ugly drizzle, which felt appropriate. Any remaining snow left clinging to roadsides or shaded areas turned to slush. Barring a few exceptions, snow hardly ever stuck around in Kentucky—it appeared and then melted after a few days, leaving behind wet, stark tree branches and incessant gloom. The dreary day matched her mood.

She swung back and forth between regret and resolve. She thought taking space was the right decision, but it hurt so much it was hard to be sure. Her whole body ached. More than once she’d thought she might be coming down with something—that’s how physical her heartbreak was. Not only had she potentially ended the best relationship she’d ever had, but she feared Lucas wouldn’t even want to be her friend again. She longed to talk to him, and her finger had hovered over his name in her contacts more than once, but she needed a little more time before she got sucked back in again.

The situation at work also needed resolving. She found she cared less than she did a few days ago, which was probably a bad sign.

“I need to talk to you.” Martin pulled her aside as soon as she walked on the unit.

She groaned. What the hell could be wrong now? She was fifteen minutes early for work, at least, so she didn’t need to worry about being late for morning meds or the report from night shift. She wasn’t sure she wanted to deal with whatever new catastrophe waited for her.

“I’ve been off for a few days,” he said. “But I talked to Belinda at the end of my last shift.”

Joan’s scalp prickled as she listened. Martin sucked in a breath to continue.

“So, Belinda was here for a bit that morning when you couldn’t find those meds. When they turned up in the patient bin right after.”

Joan nodded. She could sense what was coming like a portent of doom.

“She saw Celeste leave the med room and go back in. She did say she looked a little shifty, but she didn’t think much of it at the time. Belinda wasn’t aware you thought Celeste had taken them.”

Joan’s face lost all color. Her body felt untethered from reality, like she might be floating above and observing all this from a distance. She knew Celeste had done it. This wasn’t proof, but it added to her suspicion. She’d fucking had it.

She swiveled around and marched back to the nurses’ station. She didn’t care anymore about hurting anyone’s feelings or making a scene.

She found Celeste’s red hair and tapped her on the shoulder. Celeste turned and raised her brows.

“Yes?”

“Did you take pills from a patient bin to make me look bad? That day we couldn’t find the Tablofen?” Her heart pounded in her throat.

In the split second before she answered, Joan saw the truth. Celeste’s face blanched before she schooled it into a more neutral expression.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Joan scooted closer and pointed a finger at her chest. “Martin said that Belinda saw you go in and out of the med room, even though you didn’t have patients. So I ask you again—did you take the meds?” Her voice reached a crescendo.

Celeste shot Martin, who hovered at the edge of the group of nurses, a betrayed look before turning to Joan again. Her shoulders sagged.

“Fine. Yes, I did.” A collective gasp rose from the cluster of employees. For a wild second, Joan felt like an actor in a play.

“Why in the hell would you do that?”

Celeste straightened. “It was for the good of the unit.”

Joan rolled her eyes so hard she thought she could see her brain. “I’m a good nurse, you know. You’re a bitter woman who thrives on making everyone miserable.”

“You don’t know your stuff, and you can’t hang.”

“I’m still learning!”

Celeste recoiled at her raised voice. They stared at each other, breathing hard. Joan raised her chin. The rush of adrenaline to her system rocked her, but she didn’t back down.

“Here’s what’s going to happen now. I’m going to Jennifer, and you’re going to tell her what you just told me.”

With that, she turned on her heel and marched off.

Celeste followed. She plucked at the sleeve of Joan’s scrub top and tugged her to the side before she could get further down the hallway. Joan wanted to continue to Jennifer’s office, but Celeste looked legitimately contrite, so Joan stopped to listen. They faced each other under the glare of the hospital’s harsh lighting. The scent of disinfectant reached Joan’s nose as she took a deep breath.

“Alright,” Celeste said. “I’m sure there are rumors flying around, and I don’t know what you’ve heard.”

Joan continued to stare at her, not willing to give her anything. Celeste sighed before speaking again.

“I bet you think I have some catty reason for what I’ve done,” Celeste said. “Something childish.”

“It honestly doesn’t really matter why, does it? You could’ve jeopardized my career with some of your stunts.” Joan stood straighter as she spoke. “You’ve made my life miserable here. Completely intolerable.”

Celeste folded her arms across her chest. “I didn’t realize you were that unhappy. You seem so damned upbeat all the time.”

Joan frowned. “Of course I was unhappy. You’ve been horrible to me.”

“Alright, then. I’ll own that,” Celeste said. “But you don’t understand. You remind me of a nurse I worked with years ago. Same personality and all, with that kind of martyr thing going on.” She gestured toward Joan, whose anger rose. “Don’t scowl like that. I thought all that self-sacrificing stuff was an act. Either way, I still find it insufferable. The other nurse I worked with was like that, a do-gooder.”

Joan listened, letting Celeste continue with her story, despite the fact Celeste wasn’t owed any of Joan’s time.

“It was at my job before this. The girl was brand new, fresh out of nursing school. She acted the part, and she had this disgustingly sweet attitude all the time. The nice act had me fooled. It disguised some of her shortcomings, though. She never seemed put out by anything, and she hardly ever seemed stressed out, but that was because she didn’t know what she was doing and she didn’t have any drive to learn. She just wanted to be seen as this saint for being a nurse. I’m not even sure how she made it through school. I’ve convinced she cheated. Anyway, one day I asked her to hang an IV bag for me.”

Joan’s heart pounded.

Celeste nodded. “Yeah, you can see where this is going. Long story short, she had the wrong bag, and the guy died. An accident, of course, but still. I’ve never forgotten it.”

“God, that’s awful,” Joan said. “But I’m not her. Obviously.”

“I know that now. Honestly, your outburst back there,” she nodded toward the nurses’ station, “made me see that. You’ve got some fire.” Her body slumped. “I thought you would see how much you needed to learn if I tested you. I’ve been trying to keep patients safe, that’s all.”

“Well, you had an awful way of going about it.” Joan pulled herself into an even more upright posture, emphasizing her height advantage. “I’m still going to Jennifer.”

“I know. I imagine I’ll get fired.” Celeste’s head hung for a moment before she looked back up. Joan experienced a twinge of something like sympathy for her despite herself. “I was in the wrong. I took it way too far, and I own that now.”

“Alright,” Joan said. “Thank you for telling me all that.”

She and Celeste eyed each other for another moment before she went to find their manager. Hopefully, this would all be over soon.

Their manager, Jennifer, a plump white woman in her early fifties with a beautiful silver bob, tented her hands together on her dark walnut desk. She looked seconds away from passing out.

“This is,” she said, swallowing, “the most egregious thing I’ve ever heard in my time as a manager. What could she possibly have been thinking?”

“She’s hated me since I got here,” Joan said. “She just told me she didn’t like me because she thought my ‘self-sacrificing’ bit was an act, and I reminded her too much of a nurse who killed someone. Her words, not mine. She’s hard on other new nurses, sure, but this has gone beyond that. She had a personal vendetta against me. And she wanted a way to ‘test me’ without really hurting any of our patients.”

“Alright.” Jennifer closed her eyes. “I’ll handle this.”

“She’s going to bring up me accidentally giving out an expired med. Which, as you know, I did do. The incident report is done.” A tiny, buzzing kernel of concern dropped into Joan’s stomach. Would she still be in trouble?

“No harm done,” Jennifer said. “You did the report, told the doctor, and monitored the patient. All the right things, and it happens. You know now to be vigilant. What Celeste has done, on the other hand…”

Joan slouched in the chair. All that worry over nothing. She’d taken Celeste’s posturing to heart, thinking she would be in extreme trouble. She felt silly now.

Martin caught up with her in the hallway. “You okay?”

“What in the absolute, ever-loving hell?” Joan’s eyes were wide. “I suspected her, but having confirmation is wild. That is unhinged behavior.”

“Yeah. I know. I know. It’s insane.”

They filled Addie in, who also looked like she might faint. The speed of gossip on the rehab unit that afternoon could have powered an oil refinery. Joan couldn’t find it in her to care, not when Celeste had done something so unbelievably heinous.

A tiny fissure of light opened in her heart, soothing some of her jagged feelings. Even if things didn’t work out with Lucas, at least she could keep her job, hopefully without Celeste present.

“What’s your deal, Jo bug? You’re a sad faced emo girl. Did Micah call you Big Bird again?”

Micah, her cousin, always teased Joan about her height. It was eight days before Christmas, and she and her immediate family attended their extended family holiday gathering on her mother’s side. They all congregated at her grandmother’s house, and it was too small for them, but her numerous aunts and uncles and cousins would cram into a sardine can if Mimi asked them to.

“Actually, can I talk to you when we’re done here? I kind of need some advice.”

Christine nodded, sobering. “Yeah. Whatever you need.”

She mingled with her family for the next two hours. The young kids exchanged gifts, and the young adults drank wine and something her aunt called a Moscow reindeer, made with vodka, ginger beer, and peppermint schnapps. Joan tried to plaster on a smile, but her spirit wasn’t in it.

Christine cornered her toward the end of the night. They were both riding with Wyatt and his family, so she wouldn’t get much time alone with her. She pulled her into the basement bedroom. A collection of old, wooden hand painted dolls stared at her. Joan shuddered.

“I’d forgotten about these. Why does she have them? They’re all plotting to murder us.”

“Tell me what’s going on, Joan. You’ve literally never asked for my advice before.”

“Lucas and I might be over.” Joan turned one of the dolls around so it didn’t face them.

Christine’s face fell. “That sucks, Jo. What the hell happened?”

“I thought it was weird for you, anyway? Us being together.”

“That was just the shock of it, I think. Now I’m invested.” She pushed one of the dolls over so it lay face down, and Joan giggled despite her bleak attitude. “Is that what you wanted advice about? Lucas?”

Joan gave her a brief rundown of her fight with Lucas, albeit with some of the graphic details omitted. She told her about Lucas’s new job as well.

Christine eyed her when she was finished. “That’s it?”

“Yes, that’s it. What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I think you lost your shit over some relatively minor stuff.”

“Lucas planning a major move next month without telling me isn’t a big deal? Me possibly not being able to have sex isn’t a big deal?”

“He absolutely would have told you if he decided to move. I’m sure he just didn’t know what to do.”

“You sound like him.”

“Look, I get it.” Christine leaned against the bedpost. “I’m sure it’s been incredibly difficult for you, trying to navigate sex and relationships when you have this excruciating pain. But I think people show you who they are, and you can trust Lucas here.”

“Lucas has shown me who he is. He falls in love hard and fast, then gets cold feet after a few months. It never fails.”

“Ah. Yeah, that’s a good point.”

Joan aimed a wry stare in her direction.

“Okay, so I'm not great at this. Advice is your forte, not mine.” Christine gestured to her. “But Lucas isn’t a liar, Joan. And I think he would turn down the best job on the planet to be with you. I also think he’s grown.”

“I hope he has. I just feel like he now has even more of a reason to leave me, given this, uh, problem I have.”

“But you were doing great before, right? Couldn’t this one time have been stress or something?”

Joan thought about that for a moment. It definitely could have been the stress of that day, but it still made her nervous about the future. She would have other stressful days, she knew.

“Also,” Christine said, gathering steam, “I do think the right man will love you no matter what. Lucas loves you as a person, not your, you know,” she waved a hand at Joan’s crotch, “genitals.”

“Alright. This is officially the least helpful advice that’s ever been dispensed.”

Christine laughed. “Do what you want, Jo. That’s my brilliant advice. If he brings you happiness, you have to just let yourself be happy.”

“Yeah.” She looked up at the ceiling, contemplating. “You know what? That last bit of guidance wasn’t so bad. You just need to work on your delivery.”

A knock at the door startled them. Wyatt stuck his head in. “What the hell are you two doing? I’ve torn the house apart looking for you. Almost everyone else is gone.”

“Oops.” Christine threaded her arm through Joan’s. “We didn’t get to say bye to anyone.”

“Yes, well.” Wyatt scowled. “I made the rounds several times, so I think we’re covered.”

“Thanks.” Joan patted his chest. “Let’s talk to Mimi, then we’ll go.”

Joan spent the next day researching Crescent College and the surrounding area.

She ached from missing Lucas, and reading about his potential new home seemed to make her feel better. She was still thinking about what she wanted. It should have been easy, given how happy she was with him, but she kept thinking of how things could go wrong again. She loved him, sure, but she wondered if that would be enough.

She also knew she’d been unfair to him, though she still thought her points were valid. His secrecy hurt. Her true underlying worry, though, lay in the unpleasant possibilities. Her insecurities about her body’s abilities loomed. Thoughts of losing Lucas forever scared her.

She wondered if she could move away from Louisville again. It was only an hour and a half away, maybe two hours at most, but her life tangled with those of her friends and family to the point it might be difficult to extricate herself, even if she wanted to. She loved her life in her home city.

Another potential snag for her involved Ben. She often helped her parents with his needs, and she did enjoy spending time with her brother. She didn’t want to create unnecessary turmoil in his life. Lately, though, she’d been thinking about things differently. Her parents were still relatively young and healthy. She might have been tying herself in knots for no reason—her parents had some resources at their disposal, including her enormous family, and Ben seemed happy at their home, so she could always move away and come back if she was needed. She might be responsible for some of his care at some point, but it was okay for her to live her life, too. Furthermore, Ben himself had never indicated he needed her around constantly.

She had to face the idea that the way others relied on her was, at least in part, a problem of her own making.

Besides all that, she loved Lucas too much to deny him this opportunity. She came to that conclusion as she shuffled through pictures of the college campus and of the surrounding town. They would be close to Cincinnati, so they could still enjoy the conveniences of living in a metro area. They would have each other, though, and the way she felt without him, that might be the best starting point. Everything else could fall into place.

Perhaps the move could be temporary, and they could make their way back home at some point. Though he could also get another job even further away. As a nurse, she could find work in any town, but she needed to think about how far she was willing to go. She thought the answer might be “anywhere.” It wouldn’t just be for him, either. Her own happiness might hinge on being able to enjoy life with him.

The worst problem, though, was not knowing what Lucas wanted after their argument. She’d told him to think about things. He’d always moved on from heartache pretty quickly, and it was possible he would want to go back to being only friends. In fact, maybe that would be for the best. She could guarantee he’d be in her life that way, and she thought he felt the same. The thought of talking to him about it scared her. What if he was done with their romance?

She pulled out her phone. She poised her finger above his name in her contact list, wondering how to start a conversation. After a full minute of hesitation, she pocketed it again.

She would take a couple more days, then decide how to proceed. She needed some time to prepare herself. She didn’t think she could stand it if he dismissed her at that moment, as raw and exposed as she felt.

If she needed confirmation this was different from her past relationships, she had it. She’d never hurt so badly in her life. She trudged over to her fridge, hoping she could find something worth eating.