Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 43

43

“ Y ou look like someone told you Santa isn’t real.” Jacob glanced at Lucas. He was driving them to go have dinner with their mother. They’d gone in together on a gift for her, a piece of jewelry she’d mentioned liking and a gift card for a massage. “You still haven’t talked to Joan, I take it?”

Lucas felt so down he wasn’t even excited about Christmas, which was anathema to his usual attitude around the holidays. The holiday was ten days away and he couldn’t muster a single happy feeling for the occasion. The temperature had warmed back up to around forty degrees, so the snow had mostly melted. All that remained were dirty clumps piled at the edges of parking lots.

He’d really messed up with Joan. Not only did he say some hurtful, nasty things, but he’d shown her his needy act again. After an emergency call with said therapist, though, he’d realized this situation was different. He was comfortable with Joan, and he wasn’t being needlessly clingy—he’d just had a legitimate reaction to their fight. But then he’d made things so much worse by opening his mouth. Now he didn’t know how to fix it, or if that was possible. He’d never felt so pessimistic in his life.

“We aren’t talking right now,” he said miserably.

“Damn.” He pulled onto their mom’s street. “I really thought she was it for you. You think it’s done?”

“Feels that way. But I don’t know.”

“Sorry.” He swung his car into the driveway. “That really sucks.” His eyes shifted toward Lucas. “And, uh, sorry for being the one to spill the beans.”

“It’s alright. It was my own fault.”

“I mean, yeah.” Jacob smiled at him to soften the blow. He cleared his throat. “Have you, uh, talked to dad at all?”

“Nah.” Lucas shook his head. “Why, have you?”

“I was supposed to have lunch with him and he flaked. Said something about a meeting. Typical stuff.”

Lucas winced. He’d been accused of being flaky before, too. He truly wanted nothing to do with any of his father’s qualities. He’d been a lying, manipulative asshole, to a greater degree than any of them realized, and he felt like his genes were somehow tainted by that.

If he could hurt others the way his father had, maybe he didn’t deserve Joan. The thought curdled in his stomach. He missed her so much already, but he worried she was right, and he would leave when things got difficult. He truly didn’t think he would do that, but maybe he didn’t know himself as well as he should.

He tried to force a smile for their visit. His mom had made lasagna, one of his favorite meals, but nothing cheered him. She definitely noticed he was off, but she didn’t comment on it until they were ready to leave, when she gave him a hug.

“You okay?”

“I’m alright,” he said, even though he wasn’t. He wasn’t ready to talk about Joan yet. It felt too private, too precious.

She hugged him again, and he experienced a sudden urge to cry. He would be okay, eventually. Probably. As soon as he was talking to Joan again.

Lucas had undersold his heartache to Jacob. His chest felt split in two with the force of his despair. He didn’t know how to handle it, other than curling up in a ball on his couch in the fucking dark, a week and a half before Christmas.

Maybe he and Joan had relied on one another too much for emotional support, because now that they weren’t talking, he felt like he couldn’t get enough air. He’d beg her for forgiveness, he decided, even if he had to track her down and get her to listen to him. He’d even be okay with only friendship again, though that wasn’t ideal.

His finger hovered over James’s name on his phone. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, but he knew he needed to touch base. He couldn’t move if things weren’t resolved in his personal life.

He cleared his throat after James answered. “Hey, man.”

“Yeah, hey.” James sounded a little winded, like he’d been on a treadmill or something. Maybe he had. “How’s it going?”

“Alright,” Lucas said, though that lie nearly made him cringe. Who wanted the truth to that question, anyway? “I wanted to talk to you about something.

“Okay. Okay. No problem.” His breathing seemed to return to normal. “What’s up?”

“I had something come up. Something personal. I’m kind of back in decision making mode now, and I wondered if I could have a bit more time on the offer. Just a couple of weeks.”

His nerves stretched so thin he almost pulled the phone away from his ear. He didn’t want to mess up this opportunity, but the rest of his life was more important. Joan was more important.

James held onto his silence for a beat before replying. “Sure thing, Lucas. Take your time. Take your time.” He coughed. “We would need to know soon, I’ll admit, but a couple of weeks won’t make any difference.”

Lucas exhaled. “Thanks. I appreciate it. I promise I’ll be in touch.”

He hung up, feeling a bit lighter. He hoped to do things right from that point on.