Chapter 42
42
“ T hese fries are amazing.” Jacob sat across from Lucas and Joan, stuffing parmesan shoestring fries into his mouth.
Lucas inched close enough to press his thigh along hers. Her brain focused on the slight pressure, always aware of their points of contact.
It was only the day after the painful incident, and she still hadn’t recovered her good mood, but she couldn’t deny how much she enjoyed being in Lucas’s presence. It almost soothed the ache.
Jacob sipped his beer. “What’s the plan for Christmas?” He looked over the rim of his glass. “We going to Aunt Maggie’s? Or how are we playing that?”
They usually spent Christmas Eve with their aunt and her children. They saw his mother’s family on Christmas Day.
“You can do that however you want.” Lucas put down a piece of fried chicken. “I don’t think I can, though. Not if dad’s there. Maybe next year.”
Jacob nodded. “I understand.” He wiped his chin. “What about your move, though? You going to see any of the family before January?”
Lucas froze next to her. A column of heat blazed up her chest and into her throat. Time dilated, then sped again, then shattered.
“What? You’re leaving in January? I thought it wouldn’t be until next fall. And since when did you already decide what you’re doing?”
Jacob set his glass on the table with a loud thunk.
“You didn’t tell her, man?” He looked from Joan to Lucas, who gripped his fork like he might drive it into the table. “What the hell? This is like some shit Dad would pull.”
All the color leached from Lucas’s face. “I was going to talk to you about it tonight,” he rushed to tell Joan. “Nothing is set in stone yet.”
“But you’ve accepted the job?”
“I haven’t signed anything yet.”
Joan fished a twenty out of her purse. Her hands trembled as she threw it on the table. “I’m leaving.”
“Joan!” Lucas’s pants pocket caught on the edge of the table as he vaulted up from his chair, causing a glass of water to tip over. “Fuck!”
Joan stalked to the door. She knew Lucas trailed her, but she didn’t care. She shoved the restaurant door open, too angry to even cry, or to care about making a scene.
When she got to her vehicle, Lucas planted a hand on it so she couldn’t wrench it open.
“You’ve got to at least talk to me.”
“I don’t have to do anything.” She pulled open her door. “Plus it’s freezing out.”
He circled around to the passenger side and got in with her. She was glad they’d driven separately.
“I’ve never seen you do anything like that before.” He sounded winded.
“I stood up for myself, actually. It’s kind of exhilarating.”
“I was going to tell you.” Lucas gripped the door handle on his side. “I swear.”
She turned to him. Her ire made her face hot. “We were going to break up, you mean?”
“No! I was trying to figure out how we could navigate it.”
“Lucas.” Joan leaned her head against the headrest. “Get out of here with that. You told your brother, but you couldn’t tell me. You hid something huge from me. This isn’t some small thing.” She closed her eyes. “How long have you known?”
He sighed. “A couple weeks.”
She gritted her teeth.
“C’mon, Joan. I love you.” He reached for her, but she jerked away. “I just didn’t know how to bring up the potential move with you.”
“You love me until when? Until you leave? Or until you’re bored and restless, ready to move on to the next shiny thing?” She knew she was hurting him with her words, launching little hooks that dug into his chest, damaging herself in the process, but she couldn’t stop it.
Anger rolled off him in waves. She’d seen him angry a few times, but not often enough to be accustomed to it. His anger seemed to arise when cornered, like a scared animal.
“You want me to tell you nothing could ever happen to us? Obviously, I can’t do that, Joan. I’m telling you how I feel right now, in this moment. It’s the best I can do.”
“Yeah, well. I wouldn’t want you to have to strain yourself with your promises.”
“That is such bullshit!” He threw his hands in the air. “You’ve said yourself there aren’t guarantees. I’m pouring my heart out here.” His face softened. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“I think I need some space, Luke.”
At her steely resolve, he straightened. “You’re being a coward.”
“Good to know how you feel about me. And you’re probably right. I feel like I’m saving us from an even worse future heartache, though.”
“Hurts pretty bad right now, Joan.” He laid a hand on his chest. “And you know what I think? I think you don’t want to let anyone love you. You’ve got this ‘woe is me’ thing going on, and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would turn this job down if you didn’t want me to take it. I would move with you. I would do long distance for a while. We could make it work. I want to make you happy.”
She wiped her sleeve across her face, where tears leaked out without her awareness or permission.
“Joan.”
“Please don’t make me feel guilty for prioritizing myself, Lucas.”
He sagged against the passenger seat. His arm covered his eyes. No one spoke for almost a full minute.
“God,” he said. He hung his head, then took a deep breath. The angry atmosphere faded a bit, leaving sadness in its wake. “Alright. This is awful. I’m really sorry for all that shit I just said. What can I do?”
She faced him. Strands of hair stuck to her cheeks where her tears had wet them. The instinct to apologize immediately overwhelmed her, but she held back. She had things she needed to say first. They’d argued like this only once before, over some little misunderstanding she could hardly even remember. They were talking again by the next day. They didn’t operate on conflict, and their relationship had always been low on drama. This didn’t feel quite the same.
“I need some time, Lucas. You really hurt me here.” More tears welled and crested, spilling over her cheeks in little rivulets.
“Okay,” he said. He laid his head against the headrest. “I can do that. Whatever you need.” His expression drooped.
“I shouldn’t have said all that stuff, either. I am sorry about that. But I think we should take some time apart. A couple weeks, anyway, to decide what we both want. And I think you should give it actual consideration. Because if your first instinct is to hide big things from me, you might not be ready for this commitment, no matter how much we love each other.” They’d never gone more than a week without speaking, not since they were in elementary school, but maybe they needed it.
“Okay. I’ll be here, Joan. I promise I’ll do some soul searching. And you do the same.”
Her heart dropped. She wondered if it was a bad sign he’d agreed without more argument, even if she’d insisted on the idea. She had expected him to protest. She knew it made her a hypocrite to get upset about him agreeing with her, but it made her think he might get over her easily.
They would take this time to figure things out. If they decided this wouldn’t work, it would hurt, probably worse than anything she’d ever experienced, but she wanted to be sure they hadn’t just fallen into this because it was the path of least resistance. She wanted to know if they were better off as friends, and she wanted him to figure out his own feelings as well, to see what conclusion he came to.
He gave her one last long look before getting out of the car. She held back tears again as she drove away.