Exactly As You Are (Love in Louisville #1)

Chapter 41

41

“ W hat’s got you grinning? You look like you’ve got a juicy secret.” Addie raised her brows. “Or a great boyfriend?”

“That’s the one.” Joan tapped her pen against the counter at the nurses’ station. She tried to control her smile, but the effort was futile.

“Wow. Does Lucas have any single friends?”

Joan cocked her head. “Yes, actually.” She smiled again, and Addie beamed back at her.

Joan’s elation couldn’t be dampened. She was in love with her best friend, as shocking as that would have been to her former self. They texted constantly, talked on the phone until late at night, slept in the same bed much of the time. It was two weeks before Christmas, and she already had a gift for him—she’d spent a little more on him that year, since she was his girlfriend now.

She liked the sound of that word.

They’d awoken that morning to a couple inches of snow blanketing the ground in an untouched sea of white. She’d kissed Lucas goodbye, and he’d pulled her down for another long kiss, cocooning her in the warmth of his blankets for a few minutes before she finally had to leave.

Work that day was extremely busy, but there were no major fires to put out, no one complained about being up and ready for therapy, and with their coordinated efforts, she and Addie set a rhythm you could dance to. She was really getting into the swing of inpatient rehab nursing.

Just after lunch, she started to waste the remainder of a med she’d given. She happened to glance at the date before disposing of it.

“Fuck.” Her stomach dropped through her running shoes.

She touched Addie’s shirt as she walked by. Her hand trembled.

“Addie. I made a mistake.”

Addie took note of the date on the medicine. It was a month past the expiration.

“Shit. That came out of the Medstation?”

Joan nodded.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” She laid a hand on Joan’s shoulder. “That one should be fine. Might just be less effective. Let’s check on the patient and do an incident report. We’ll monitor him. Probably just a formality, though.” She grimaced. “We’ll have to tell Celeste.”

Celeste was the charge nurse that day.

“I know.”

The patient was indeed fine, thankfully, and Joan continued to check on him at intervals. She let his doctor know what had happened, and luckily, the physician didn’t seem to be too upset. For that matter, the patient himself didn’t seem upset either when she told him what happened, and that helped soothe Joan’s nerves.

She should have checked the med, though. The Medstation shouldn’t have had any expired meds, but it happened sometimes, and she was part of the checks and balances system to keep patients from danger.

She prepared herself to report to Celeste. Her body shook with nerves. She entertained fleeting thoughts of not even telling her, but she knew that would be wrong. Joan hadn’t seen much of Celeste, but she caught her at the nurses’ station that afternoon.

“I’ll need you and Jennifer to check an incident report for me. I pulled an expired med out of the Medstation, but didn’t notice the date until I’d already given the med to the patient.”

Celeste’s eyes bugged. Her face reddened, and she planted a hand on her hip.

“That’s it,” she said. “I can’t work with idiot nurses. That’s basic stuff, checking the date.” She nearly yelled the last part. She pointed a finger at Joan’s chest. “I’m going to Jennifer with this. She has some asinine idea that we ought to go easy on new nurses, but clearly that doesn’t work.”

“I’m sorry,” Joan said meekly. In that moment, she felt like she’d lost all the ground she’d gained at her job. It didn’t matter that Jennifer had reprimanded Celeste in the past, or that Celeste had a problem with her. She’d messed up, and she couldn’t shake the sense this didn’t bode well.

“Well let’s hope you didn’t hurt him. Now I have things I have to do.” Celeste stomped off, leaving Joan feeling like a bug trampled underfoot.

Visions of being fired, or losing her license, played through her mind. If she were being rational, she knew that wouldn’t be the case, but it didn’t matter at that moment. She’d made her first med error, and her mind whirled with all the possibilities.

It was going to be a long day.

“What’s going on? Are you busy again tonight?”

“No, I’m free.” Joan had Lucas on speaker as she cleaned her kitchen. She’d begged off the night before, citing work, then family stuff, as excuses. She wanted to see him, but she was so stressed about her job she could hardly think about anything else. She was still waiting to have a talk with her nurse manager, Jennifer.

“You okay?”

“Not really. I’ll get there, though.” She’d filled Lucas in on the incident at work. As usual, he was sure everything would be fine, though she wasn’t as certain.

“I’ll come over. If that’s alright, I mean.”

Joan was making frozen pizza when he walked in. He took several steps toward her, then gathered her in a hug. She fell limp against him, partially with relief, and partially with exhaustion.

“It will all work out. I know it.”

“I don’t think this is one of your ‘it will all be fine’ situations, though. Things aren’t always fine. They don’t always work out.”

“I never said they did.” He held his hands up, palms facing her. “What do you mean ‘my’ situations?”

A sweeping pass of guilt moved through her. “Sorry. I like your perpetual optimism. It’s just, you have a tendency to think everything will always be hunky dory. I’m not sure this is one of those times.”

“Alright.” He pulled her to the couch and sat down, positioning her in his lap. “Tell me why you think that, then.”

“I could have hurt someone.” She wrung her hands together.

“You said he was okay, though.”

“He was. But what if he hadn’t been?”

“But he was.”

She shrugged, helpless.

“Look,” he said, repositioning her. “Everything sounds like it will be fine. Celeste should be there to support you, anyway. So should the rest of the staff. This wasn’t just your mistake if the med was expired.”

She buried her head in his shoulder. “My job is still in jeopardy, though, or at least that’s what it feels like. Maybe I’m being irrational. I can’t relax about it.”

He said nothing to that, instead moving his hands along her back. Her stress levels were still high, but as they ate dinner and talked, she found herself settling a bit.

When they moved into the bedroom, he rubbed her feet and legs, pouring some of his soothing presence over her raw feelings. It wasn’t entirely effective, but she felt better than she had in days.

She awoke early the next morning. He stirred, and she kissed him, thinking perhaps a physical connection might help her.

He kissed her, then pulled back. “You sure?”

She nodded.

They shed clothing without talking much, moving through their touches with efficiency, the pleasure of it almost enough to break through her distraction. As he positioned himself at her entrance and pushed inside, she thought she might have some reprieve, but then her muscles seized, and a sharp, awful searing sensation gripped her.

“Ouch. Ouch, stop.” She flinched.

He stilled over her. His face collapsed in on itself.

“Oh God. I’m sorry Joan.” He retreated, looking stricken and pale. “Are you okay?”

She wasn’t okay, not at all. She hugged herself. She felt suddenly vulnerable in her nakedness, and she pulled a sheet up over her body.

“I can’t believe I hurt you.” Lucas rubbed a hand over his face. “I should have known. You weren’t relaxed enough.”

“That’s not your fault.” Joan pushed her head into her pillow. “Please don’t feel bad. As usual, it’s my problem. I wanted it, and I’m adult enough to tell you if I don’t. I thought it might help with how I was feeling. Just for a bit.” She scrubbed at her cheeks.

“It’s okay, Joan.”

“It’s not, though.” She looked at him. “It’s going to keep happening.”

“Then we’ll deal with it,” he said, somewhat desperately.

Her heart pinched. She knew she was spiraling, but she felt powerless to stop it. She’d had this conversation before.

“You won’t want to, though, eventually.” She covered her eyes with the sheet. “It’s going to get really old, having to deal with this all the time.” She sniffed.

“Joan. You’re breaking my heart here.” He tugged the sheet off her face.

“You can’t tell me you’d really be okay with never doing that again, can you?”

Lucas hesitated. In that split second, she saw the actual truth, no matter what he said.

“See? I knew it.”

“That’s not what I was going to say. You know you mean more to me than that, Joan. You know it.” He laid on his side, facing her, his face contorted with distress. “I’m going to stay no matter what.”

She chewed on her lip. Despite his assurances, she’d been through this, and she knew how it progressed. Men would say they were okay with it at first, then things would go south. Her problem, if it kept happening, would loom over them, and he’d begin to resent her.

“Please, Joan.” His voice was thick.

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, he watched her. The look on his face cracked her chest in two. She scooted closer to him, despite the ache in her throat. She hugged him, and he clutched at her, running his hands over her with feverish intensity. Maybe he meant it, and they would last.

“Can I hold you?” His eyes looked a little red.

She nodded, and she fell asleep again in his arms.