Chapter 40
40
T he next few weeks were the most blissful of Lucas’s life. He and Joan settled into a rhythm involving dinner and regular dates, and he didn’t feel restless or anxious at all. He sometimes stared at Joan with a sort of dizzy love sickness he’d never experienced before.
He must have had that look on his face, because Christine made a gagging noise across the table.
“I don’t think I can handle you two making googly eyes at each other. It’s gross.”
“I think it’s sweet.” Joan’s mom, Beverly, heaped salad on her plate. They were having Thanksgiving leftovers on the Saturday after the holiday, and Beverly seemed determined to have them finish off everything. “I have wondered about it. For years, actually.” She eyed the two of them.
“We were always friends.” Joan laughed nervously. “Until recently, I mean.”
“I’m still getting used to it.” Wyatt sat beside Jenny with his arm around her chair. Their twins were in the kitchen next to the dining room, eating at the kitchen island and probably hiding green beans in appliances. “Felt like you were one of the Coleman siblings.”
“Nah, I could see it coming.” Jenny laughed.
Lucas wasn’t sure how he felt about everyone else’s apparent certainty he belonged with Joan—how could they have known when he hadn’t known himself? But it didn’t really matter now they were together.
“So, I hear Ben’s still able to go to his day program.” Lucas looked toward Ben as he said this. It’s what Joan usually did—making sure she included him in the conversation. Ben did turn his head toward him, but otherwise didn’t make any noise. He was done eating, so he spun his fidget spinner in circles. He wouldn’t get up until everyone else was finished. It seemed to be a rule for him.
“Yep,” Joan’s father, Jude, said. “It’s still open for the foreseeable future, and our insurance is still covering it. We got lucky for sure. We just take it day by day with that.”
One of the twins, Harrison, he thought, based on an errant freckle on a cheekbone and unkempt hair, barreled into the dining room. He let out a primal yell and threw a stuffed frog at Lucas’s back.
“Look at your tail!” he screamed. Lucas didn’t know what that meant, but he turned and grinned at him anyway. It was a game he’d played with the twins, running and hiding while they each tried to pelt him with stuffed animals. Harrison ran back out, which was probably his cue to get up and follow, but he wasn’t sure he could move fast after everything he’d just eaten.
“I told them not to bother you while you were eating,” Jenny said.
“No worries.”
Joan put a hand on his forearm under the table, running her fingers from his elbow to his wrist. He smiled at her.
“How was Thanksgiving with your family, Luke?” Christine had moved onto dessert. She’d cut a wedge of chocolate pie off and was digging into it.
He stilled, raising a brow at Joan in silent conversation. Have you given them the whole story?, his face said. She nodded back.
“It was…weird.” His dad’s sister, Maggie, had insisted on inviting his mom, because his whole family loved her and wouldn’t hear of not welcoming her, despite the fact his parents were separated. His mom came, mostly because she did enjoy them, and to no one’s surprise, his parents avoided one another in a tense, awkward shuffle.
“Right,” Beverly said, nodding. Everyone laughed politely.
“Are you still thinking about a new job? Joan mentioned you got an offer.” Jude folded his hands across his stomach. He felt Joan stiffen next to him. They hadn’t discussed his potential job much. He’d been ignoring the subject.
Lucas had always gotten along well with Joan’s family, but he wondered at the subtext behind Jude’s question. Were they worried he would take Joan away? Or worse, that he’d leave her behind? His stomach rioted.
He still didn’t know what he was going to do, either. He’d enjoyed his visit to his prospective campus, and he’d gotten along well with all the staff there. It seemed like an excellent fit for him in terms of culture, location, and responsibility, but he couldn’t commit, not when things were going so well with Joan.
“Nothing’s really certain yet. We’re still in the talking stages.” Which was technically true. “I have months to decide.”
Joan relaxed again, her hand going slack against his under the table. They’d have to have more conversations about it at some point, but he wanted to put it off.
He experienced an uncomfortable reminder of his similarities with his father. His dad practiced the same pattern, where he would stick his head in the sand instead of facing a problem. The slimy feeling lasted for a moment, but Lucas shook it off. Nothing could puncture the joy he felt at being with Joan now.
“I’m not sure we could survive without Joan here,” Wyatt said. He laughed, but Lucas sensed Joan tensing beside him.
“Well she gets to have her own life, too, right?” Lucas smiled, still his affable self, but he hated the way everyone treated Joan like a perpetual giver of services. It dug under his skin like a splinter.
“I do,” Joan said. “I’ve gotten better about realizing that.”
Lucas’s pride swelled at her newfound bravery. He loved her family, and so did she, but people in her life took advantage of her frequently.
Beverly emitted a small squeak. She laid her hand on her chest. “I didn’t know you felt that way, Jo. That we ask too much of you.”
“It’s okay,” Joan said. “I don’t mind, for the most part. I just like feeling appreciated, not like it’s an expectation, you know?”
Silence covered the table. Her father put down his fork.
“Have we been making you feel like we take you for granted?” He cleared his throat. “That wasn’t our intention, Joan.”
Lucas squeezed her thigh when she started to sink. She straightened again.
“I mean, sometimes, honestly.” She opened her mouth, looking like she might have things to add, then shut it again.
Beverly’s eyes looked a little shiny. “I’m sorry. I hate we’ve done that to you.”
“We all value you, Jo,” Wyatt said. “More than you know.”
Joan raised her glass to him. “Thanks for that. Like I said, it’s nice to hear it sometimes.”
Lucas didn’t think he could love Joan more, but he was wrong.
“You want to stop by the bookstore? I kinda want to wander around somewhere.”
Dark had fallen while they were with Joan’s family, but it wasn’t late.
“Sure.” He peeked at her from the corner of his eye. “You always led me to believe you were just a jock. Now you’re reading?”
“I read, you cad. More than sports memoirs, anyway. Like some people I know.”
“I’ll have you know that those make me cry. It can be deep, vulnerable stuff.”
So they found themselves strolling the aisles of the bookstore on a Saturday night, picking up tote bags and Christmas ornaments as they went. Maroon walls framed the brown shelving, giving the place a moody vibe, and locally made candles, crafts, and socks capped each row. He and Joan touched their heads together as they plucked books from their shelves. They read blurbs out loud to one another. After some debate, they each decided to pick out a book for the other person.
He browsed each shelf looking for something right, and just as he was ready to grab something at random, he came across a book about a crime fighting nurse. When he rounded a corner with it, he ran into Joan. He showed her his selection, and she held her finds up for his inspection.
He turned the book over. “Sasquatch?
“Yeah, but fiction. Good, campy fun.”
“Is this supposed to be a commentary on me?” He leaned against the bookshelf and gave her a mock stern look.
“At this point, I’m starting to think you have some hangups about your body hair.” She ran a hand over his face. “I gotta say, I like it. Especially your scruff. Just in case you needed to hear that.”
He caught her hand and threaded his fingers through hers. “So what else do you have?”
She showed him a calendar with her free hand.
“Animal penises. Yes, just what I need to track my students’ lessons.”
She giggled. “We can put that one back if you want.”
He stared at her as she laughed, her cheeks flushed. A piece of her blonde hair had gotten tucked into her puffy green jacket. He wanted to live in this bubble with her for the rest of his life. His chest filled with helium, like he could float away on this cloud of happiness.
“I’m in love with you.” He spoke softly, keeping his eyes on her.
She glanced around as though he might be talking about someone else. “Right now?”
“Am I in love with you right now? Yes.” He waited for her answer. Had he miscalculated?
“Lucas,” she said, and his heart evaporated in his chest.
“You don’t have to say it. It’s okay.”
“Do you mean it? This isn’t just infatuation?”
“Joan.” He pulled her hand to his lips. “It’s real.”
“I love you too.” She nearly whispered it. His chest swelled and his mind emptied with his intense relief. “Should we have this conversation in this very public, busy bookstore right now?”
He pulled her to him for a quick kiss. “They can get over it.”
If he could have distilled that moment, he would have condensed it into a potion he could take when he was feeling down. It was the happiest moment of his life.
“I’ve got some news.”
Lucas stepped away from his latest private lesson. He’d been working on batting with a twelve-year-old kid, and he offered a fist bump before stepping into his office to finish the call with James.
“Alright.”
“Marty, my assistant coach, is retiring sooner than we thought. He had a bit of a recent health scare.”
“Wow. Is he okay?”
“He is, but I think it motivated him. So he’s decided not to finish out the season. We’re officially inviting you to apply for the position. Unofficially, the job is yours if you want it. You’d start after the holidays.”
Lucas’s head pounded with the force of his heartbeat. He’d planned to make this decision in several months once he and Joan were established. He wouldn’t have to move until the next August. They could try long distance for a bit, or she could move until he got something closer to home, or he could even turn it down if neither of those things worked. Despite the declaration of love, their relationship felt too new to mess with. But then, a nagging pinprick of anxiety propelled him to make a decision before the offer passed him by.
“Alright,” Lucas said. “I’m in.”
“Seriously? That’s great news.” James laughed. “Great news. We still have to go through the formal process, but as far as I’m concerned, I can say welcome aboard.”
Lucas sucked in a breath. What the hell had he done? He needed to talk it over with Joan to decide what they would do. Just the thought of the conversation with her sent his heart racing. He wouldn’t do what his dad had done to his mom and make unilateral decisions without her input. Or is that what had happened? He was a mess.
He’d tell her soon, he thought. As soon as he figured out how to phrase it.
Lucas liked his therapist almost immediately. Anusaya was a soft-spoken woman with gold bangles and big gold hoops in. Threads of gray wove through her hair. He felt like he could hand her his entire life story and she would treat it with care, holding it like something fragile as she picked it apart. He should have tried therapy sooner. He’d already talked about his dad, and he’d moved on to talking about his own relationships.
“I get excited about new people,” he said. He shifted on the leather couch. “New relationships.”
“Ah.” Anusaya looped her arm over the back of her office chair. “And it bothers you that this enthusiasm fades?”
He rocked his head from side to side. “It makes me feel flaky, yeah.”
“It’s normal for that initial stage to feel exciting,” she said. “The real work starts later, when life stressors start to crop up. It can be a deeper, richer reward when you get through that with someone else.”
It was an unflattering picture of himself. He started off clingy, then gradually grew bored. He knew this, but he’d never said it out loud before. He was determined not to do that with Joan. Things felt different with her, though. Peaceful and easy. They already had a deep connection, and maybe that was a better start for him.
“It’s funny,” he said. “I always thought of myself as loyal, but maybe I’m not. Or not as much as I think. That bothers me, too.”
“Let’s pause there for a moment.” Anusaya sat forward. “Loyalty can be a good thing, yes. But staying loyal isn’t always the right move. Sometimes the things we think of as good qualities are no longer serving us. For example, it’s not disloyal to distance yourself from someone who’s hurting you.”
He thought of his father again. The broken commitments. He’d hurt Lucas’s mother, yes, but he’d also damaged trust with Lucas and Jacob, warranting a healthy dose of caution. Maybe he didn’t need to feel so guilty over needing space.
As his session ended, he felt like he had some solid advice to work with, and some effective strategies. He decided this whole therapy thing was long overdue.