CHAPTER 39
Nellie
As soon as I opened the door and walked in, Waylan sprinted at me and wrapped her arms around my waist as she spun around behind me. I grunted from the force of it and looked up to see Henry charging my way, a silly look on his face.
“I’m still going to get you, you little monster! Your Mom can’t save you!” He glanced up at me and his face fell. “What’s wrong?”
Everything. “Nothing.”
He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. “Try again.”
Waylan tugged me back and forth as she peeked out at him. “Try to get me, Henry!”
“Nell?” He stepped closer but froze when I flinched. “Nellie, what the hell happened?”
Seth walked out of the living room, frowning. “What’s going on?”
I wasn’t strong enough to face them full on. I’d been an idiot to think I could. I forced a smile but it felt brittle. “Nothing on my end. Here’s your pie!”
Waylan stepped out from behind me. “Mom? You sound weird.”
I knelt in front of her and lightly gripped her waist. “Aunt Vera called and asked if you wanted to visit. What do you think?”
“Yeah! Can the pack come?” She giggled and looked up at the men hovering over us. “We’re the pack now. We have a name.”
I licked my bone-dry lips and told myself I just needed to hold it together for a little while longer. “Maybe next time. Aunt Vera only invited us today.”
“I want to stay with the pack!” She inched away from me and put herself squarely in front of Henry and Seth. “We stick together, Mom.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Plan B, then. “Okay. I’ll tell her we’ll see her later. You keep playing with the pack, okay? I’m going to go take a shower and fold some of the laundry you keep producing. Come and get me if you need anything. Got it?”
She hugged me so hard I fell back on my ass. Tears peppered my eyes but I fought them. As soon as she pulled away, I climbed to my feet and rushed upstairs before she could leave me alone with the guys. I was stripped naked and in the shower as fast as possible.
With the hot water pounding down on my head and shoulders I let the tears go. They quickly turned into sobs. It wasn’t just the guys’ betrayal. It was everything. Losing Virginia and Blade, losing the home I’d grown up in with them, facing my siblings, and even opening myself up again for sex and everything it brought with it. It was too much. I was falling apart.
It’d been easier when I had Virginia. If I needed a moment to cry and get over something she’d take Waylan and entertain her for me. I wasn’t sure how to come to that same understanding with someone new. Virginia had taught me how to parent Waylan. She understood my need for a break. I wasn’t sure anyone else would. They’d think I was a bad mother. Or that Waylan deserved better than a teen mom who had trouble regulating her emotions so that they didn’t all come out at once.
My knees were weak and I didn’t try to catch myself as they gave out. I just curled up against the shower wall and tucked myself into a tight ball. My chest hurt, the physical ache of losing the guys so real.
A noise drew my focus and I looked up in time to see Seth rip the shower curtain open. Before I had time to protest, he knelt in the shower in front of me and pulled me into his chest. The water hit him and soaked him but he didn’t act like he cared.
I tried to push him away but his grip tightened on me. “Stop. Stop fighting and let me hold you.”
All the strength in my arms failed me and I just went limp in his arms and sobbed even harder. It wasn’t fair. Why hadn’t they just fallen for me? Why hadn’t it been real?
“What happened, baby?” Seth whispered the words and stroked my hair. “Tell me and I’ll fix it.”
I pushed at him again and he let me break free that time. I climbed to my feet and rushed around Seth to get my towel. Holding it out in front of me protectively, I backed into the farthest corner away from him. Wiping at my eyes, I tried to stop crying for long enough to tell him to leave me alone.
“Nellie! Tell me what happened.” His voice went hard, done with trying to ease it out of me. He stood up and walked at me, pressing me into the wall. “Now.”
The words were like chewed up food flying out of my mouth before I could swallow. Gross and something I should’ve kept to my damn self. “They asked you to stay close to me.”
A part of me wanted to see confusion on his face. I wanted it all to be a big misunderstanding. He knew exactly what I was talking about.
“So, it’s true.” I growled as more tears leaked down my cheeks. “I’m an idiot.”
“Who told you that? Your brothers? They asked us to watch out for you but that’s not why—”
“Get out, Seth.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Please.”
“Let me fucking explain before you kick me out, goddammit.” He gripped my upper arms. “We were supposed to keep you out of trouble. That didn’t mean we had any plans on starting this with you. We didn’t plan this.”
I didn’t believe him. “Go. Please .”
Waylan ran into the bathroom and stopped when she saw me. “Mommy?”
I immediately sported a smile and swiped my face dry of tears. “Hey, baby!”
“Why are you crying?” She looked at Seth and her mouth turned down. “Did you make Mommy sad?”
I shook my head. “Of course not, Way. Seth is your friend.”
She didn’t look convinced but I couldn’t- wouldn’t- be the reason she lost faith in the few men in her life who weren’t complete monsters. They might’ve hurt me but they’d been nothing but good to Waylan.
“Can Mom and I finish our talk?”
I moved around Seth, wrapping the towel around my body as I went. I couldn’t be alone with him again. I couldn’t listen to what he had to say because I was too weak. I would just roll over and beg for whatever scraps he’d give me. They’d lied. They’d played into my obvious desire for them and done a good job for my brothers. “We’ve finished already. Now it’s time for me to get dressed and go see Aunt Vera.”
I felt like crap when Waylan’s stressed little face turned steely. “I’m coming with you.”
“Pack a bag. I heard something about a sleepover.” Vera had no idea I was about to show up on her doorstep but I hoped she’d just be down with taking care of us for the night.
“Nellie.” Seth moved closer to me and lowered his voice. “Don’t run away from this. Talk to us. Let us explain.”
“Why don’t you talk to my brothers?” He was so close I could smell him and it was making me dizzy. “You can all compare notes on how easy I am.”
His face pinched. “Easy? Who said anything about easy?”
I pulled an oversized shirt over my towel and kept my voice as quiet as possible. “I had to take Hammer his dinner. He told me everything he’s overheard lately. Your visits with my brothers, the fight, and you guys laughing about how easy I was. Considering the things I let you do to me, it’s not untrue, I guess.”
Everything about him turned hard with anger. “You shouldn’t have been near him. If Mary couldn’t take his dinner, she should’ve called us.”
“So I wouldn’t get all the fun gossip?”
“So you didn’t have to go near the man who stalked and assaulted you!” He’d raised his voice, finally giving into his anger. “Stay. We need to talk about this. He was lying, Nell. Not about everything, unfortunately, but about some of it.”
I stepped into a pair of leggings, not bothering with underwear in my rush. “I can’t. I can’t do this.”
“Ready, Mom!” Waylan stood at the door with her backpack. “Where’s your bag?”
“Aunt Vera will let me borrow something if I need to.” I shoved my feet into the closest shoes I could and hurried out.
“Nellie.” Seth swore and followed me. “Nellie!”
Papa Jack appeared out of nowhere but instead of going after Waylan, he turned on Seth, putting himself between the two of us. Even Papa Jack had to feel sorry for me, I guessed.
At the bottom of the stairs Henry and Woodrow stood, staring up with frowns on their faces. Henry grabbed Waylan from the third step and lifted her through the air. She didn’t giggle like she normally would’ve, though. She was too focused on me, on my negative emotions. I was hurting her and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
I hurried down the stairs and slipped around both men. “Come on, Way. It’s sleepover time.”
She obviously saw through my fake cheer and by the time we were in Beatrix, the guys were standing on the porch, watching us. She looked up at me from her booster seat. “Are they bad, Mommy?”
I shook my head. “No. They’re not bad. I’m just having a bad day. I think I need to eat. We should’ve stolen that pie.”
“Go back! I’ll be sneaky!” Her smile was momentarily back. It faded within seconds, though. “You’re sad.”
“Just for a little bit. Then I’ll be happy again.”
“Like you are with the pack?” She gutted me without an ounce of intention. “You were way happier with them, Mom.”