Fearless Sinner (Empire of Sinners #3)

Chapter 14

Chloe

Chapter Fourteen

Mom is sitting up today. My heart lifted when I walked in earlier and saw her.

I’ve been here for a few minutes. I’m sitting at her bedside while the nurse takes her blood pressure.

It’s just me for the next hour. Dr. Chase increased our time slots from twenty minutes to an hour. Roxanne wanted to give me some time to myself to speak to Mom. She could tell we both needed that private time together.

Even if we don’t go into details about the things that are most pressing on our minds, it hasn’t been just me and Mom yet.

There’s so much to tell and even more I can’t talk about. That includes Cillian.

It’s crazy how my feelings for him shifted like the wind. I went from fear to desire with a kiss that tasted like darkness and death. Does that even make sense?

It doesn’t for someone like me. I lived with a different brew of darkness and death before, and it almost got me killed.

Cillian was right in what he said—when he repeated my words about being a monster. And he even admitted to having horns.

He looked like he was doing me a favor by leaving and saying goodbye forever. So I’d never see his horns.

Maybe I should accept the favor. If all goes well this week and I get the loan, Mom will receive the care she needs and I’ll get my life back on track.

Today is Monday. I should hear back from the bank today or tomorrow. I feel positive about getting the loan.

But how do I move on and forget Cillian?

The first thing to come through the door this morning was an envelope from his legal team. Inside was a revised contract freeing Mom from the loan Harlan took out. Alongside that was the cheque I gave him for fifteen thousand dollars.

He was true to his word.

He was the first guy in forever to make me feel alive. The fact that I could step away from reality when I was with him when I’m so worried about my mother is a miracle itself.

He treated me as though I was important to him. He kissed and touched me like I was. And just like he said back at the bar, the only time he touches his woman is to give her pleasure.

His touch had me wanting him more than I needed oxygen to breathe.

The nurse finishes with Mom and leaves us.

The moment the door closes Mom stares at me and reaches out to take my hand.

“I’m glad it’s just the two of us today.” Mom smiles. “That doesn’t mean I don’t miss Roxy.”

“I know. She knows, too. She wanted to give us some time together.”

“We need it. I could hear you. When I was in the coma I could hear your voice pleading with me to come back to you.”

My breath catches and I struggle to keep my lungs from squeezing. “You heard me?”

She nods slowly. I spoke to her about happy memories and told her how sorry I was for leaving.

“Chloe, we have a rough past but I don’t want it to shape our future. I never hated you the way you thought.”

“I made so many mistakes.”

“No more than me, sweetheart. I’m your mother so I should have tried to keep the peace between us. I saw that you were in love with Nathan, and you couldn’t see him for what he was. That’s a hard thing to do.” I know she’s talking about Harlan, too. “I went to your first performance in L.A.”

My spirit lifts. “Really? Mom, why didn’t you come and see me backstage?” I remember feeling like she’d come to watch me, then being so disappointed when I didn’t see her.

“I was a foolish, stubborn woman. I promised myself I’d just watch you, then leave you alone. I was still furious that you left but at the same time, I loved you enough to let you go. I felt that maybe I relied on you too much after your father died.”

“No, Mom. We relied on each other.”

“Maybe so, but I’m your mother. I should have been strong for you. But I fell apart and I don’t think I was ever the same again.” She gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

“Neither of us were, so you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I guess so, but that’s not going to stop me.” She blows out a ragged breath and dabs at her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“It doesn’t matter how long it took. You came back to me. And I know you went through a lot. Roxy told me about your legs and that Nathan is in prison for murdering two people.”

I wince. “Roxanne shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t be mad at her. I forced her to tell me yesterday when you were talking with Dr. Chase.”

“I don’t want you to worry about anything. Definitely not the consequences of my mistakes.”

“Not knowing hurts my heart.” She taps her chest with her free hand. “I can see how much you’ve been through, just looking at you sitting there. It was hell, wasn’t it?”

I nod and for the gazillionth time, I hold back my tears. I can’t cry about those things. I won’t make it back if I do. “Sometimes in life people go through shit and when they look back, they wonder how they lived through it. But when I look back I wonder how I’m not dead.”

“I’m truly sorry. I was hoping I was wrong. In fact, I prayed I was. When I didn’t hear from you I wanted to believe I was wrong. I tried to move on and that’s how I ended up with Harlan. I knew he wasn’t good for me but I was happy. Until I wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry for you, too.” I nod, genuinely meaning that. “I was hoping you’d find love again after Dad.”

“Sweetheart. There really was no one like your father. I met him when I was five. People like that only come around once in a lifetime. When you meet them, you know they're keepers.”

Her words stay with me. I’m glad my parents had such a relationship.

“You haven’t told me about the debt. How you took care of it. I know you’re also waiting to get another loan from the bank. Dr. Chase told me that part. I need to know about these things, sweetheart.”

“I’m trying to get a business development loan. It was the only loan I was suitable to apply for. It was also the only loan that would give me as much as we need.”

“Thank you for applying. And the debt? Cillian O’Ridian is not exactly known for his kindness, but he was kind in lending us that money. I can just imagine how furious he must have been when he discovered Harlan screwed him over.”

My heart squeezes on hearing Cillian’s name. It’s the first time that Mom has mentioned him. “He was kind to us again. Kind to…me.”

I don’t want to lie too much. I don’t have to tell her every detail but I don’t want to lie. There have been too many lies between us over the years. I might not have been around to physically lie to her but my life was a lie. Nate made my family believe I didn’t want anything to do with them, and they believed him.

Mom sits straighter and gives me a knowing look. The kind of knowing look you give a person when you’ve figured out all the things they're not saying.

“Oh,” she breathes out the word, then suddenly looks worried. “Chloe, he’s?—”

“Not going to be around anymore.”

She brings her hand to her cheeks and the worry intensifies. “He didn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to do, did he?”

“No. Not at all.” I’d be the world’s biggest liar if I said those eighteen and a half minutes the other night weren't the best I’d ever had in my life.

“Chloe…”

“I’m okay, Mom.”

She squeezes my hand again. “You’d tell me the truth, wouldn’t you?”

“Now more than ever.”

That reassurance seems to calm her. “Okay. Well, listen to me. I’m very sick. I’m very, very sick.”

The weight of the truth pushes down on my shoulders. “I know.”

“There are some things Dr. Chase didn’t tell you, because I wanted to tell you myself.”

“What is it?”

“My heart is bad. The transplant is a chance. If I don’t get it, I may have two to three months before… before there’s no hope.”

“But the loan. There’s a chance I’ll get it.”

“I pray for that, my darling. But if you don’t get it I don’t want you to put yourself under any more distress or danger for me.”

“Mom—”

“No, Chloe. No. Sometimes enough is enough. This right here has to be enough.” She raises my hand to her lips and kisses my knuckles. “Seeing you again and having you here is my gift. It was all I wished for as my heart gave out and I thought I was going to die. I prayed that if I could open my eyes again, I’d see you. And I did. So please listen to me. You hear me?”

I swallow hard, trying to breathe through the dryness in my throat. She stares at me with such intensity that I nod. But my agreement is with reluctance because not trying isn’t something I can promise her. I don’t tell her that, though.

“Good. Now that we’ve spoken, let’s try to enjoy the day together. Roxy said she’ll bring a movie later for us to watch at lunchtime. And Luis is sending my favorite cake.” She gives me a warm smile, but I can tell she’s not okay.

“That would be nice.”

“Yeah. I might be in the hospital but at least we can have a taste of home together.”

I give her a smile I don’t feel. “Yes. We’ll try to stay positive.”

“Exactly.”

Mom nods and somehow she reminds me of my father. He had that same solemn look on his face when he knew he was going to die.

It’s five thirty, so nearly six p.m. I was left in one of those sullen moods after the talk I had with my mother this morning. And I haven’t heard back from the bank yet.

I was hoping they would have called already so I’d know where I stand. It would have been nice if they’d called before I reached the dance studio.

I’m here now and I love the place. I love it even more than I thought I would.

I’ve been checking out the space with Mr. Corbin, the owner of the building.

He’s an older man in his seventies. The building is an old factory that has been redone and repurposed. There’s only one other business in the unit—an accountancy firm. Mr. Corbin was hoping to rent out the rest of the unit to one person/business, so he was keen when I told him I wanted to open a dance school.

Over the last hour that I’ve been here, he was fascinated with my experience. His late wife loved ballet. This was her building, so he thought she’d love to have a dance school here.

His reception of me was so different from the horrid experience I had on Friday night at that job interview.

“I can make sure the floors are redone for you with the correct flooring, if you need,” he says heartily, motioning at the floor.

“That would be amazing. I was going to ask about getting sprung flooring.”

“Just say the word and I’ll have it done. You also have my permission to put mirrors on the wall and whatever else you need. I do also happen to have a friend who sells second-hand pianos. You seem to be a teacher who’d prefer having a pianist accompany your classes.”

I smile, appreciating that he’d know that about me. “Yes. I’m exactly like that. There’s something different about having a pianist with you. Maybe it’s the blend of creativity.”

“I believe that, too, although I don’t dance, as you can probably tell.” He points to his potbelly and laughs. “I do work as Santa at Christmas for the children’s home, though.”

“That’s so sweet.” I smile back at him.

“Thank you. Anyway, take your time and get a feel of the place without me. See what you think.”

“Thank you so much. A building so beautiful must receive a ton of inquiries.” I’m trying to gauge how many people I may be up against.

“I do, but for me it’s all about finding the right person. I’ve only been inviting those I think are a good fit for the place. That’s whether to buy the space outright or rent it. After meeting with you today, you’re definitely at the top of my list.”

“Oh, wow. Thank you so much.”

“No worries. Enjoy the rest of the evening and give me a call when you’re ready.”

“I will.” It’s such a shame that I don’t know when that will be.

With a kind smile, Mr. Corbin leaves me. I watch him go through the large oak doors and my shoulders slump.

It was unfair of me to come here today knowing I haven’t even got two beans to rub together.

I got my last paycheck from the restaurant in L.A., which was five hundred dollars and I have that fifteen thousand Cillian didn’t cash. But I have to put that money aside.

There are several just-in-case things I need to be mindful of, and other things I need. Like a car. I can’t keep relying on Roxanne and Adrian to shuttle me around. It’s also getting expensive to get around by taxi.

I have no more incoming earnings. Although I’m working at Ricci’s, I won’t be taking a wage.

When everything settles I’ll figure out my working situation.

I set my bag down and walk around the room I’d use for the main studio. It’s the largest. There are three additional smaller spaces with the same sort of setup and arched windows, but this one is where I see myself teaching the most.

I want to be able to hire a couple of other teachers who will either work for me or run their own private classes and hire the space from me at an hourly rate. Either way would be profitable.

For a moment I allow myself a break. A chance to cast my mind back to who I used to be before my wings were clipped.

I can almost hear the music playing for me. My favorite was anything composed by Bach, Vivaldi, Wagner or Debussy. They awakened my heart in a way that brought out my talents.

In my mind I hear the spring composition from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons collection and I find myself moving. Dancing.

I haven’t done anything much since my legs were broken for fear of disappointment. What the doctors told me was enough, and I didn’t need to test it to see the damage and break my heart. Anything more than a few steps here and there made my legs hurt.

That by itself broke me because I used to dance for hours on end. Sometimes I’d arrive at school hours early so I could practice.

To my surprise I’m still moving, and the pain hasn’t come for me yet.

I slide into a glissade then a pirouette and another and another, and I snap my foot up into an arabesque. I manage to stay there with my leg held high in one perfect line for two minutes before my legs shake, and a bolt of searing pain almost makes me fall.

I stumble and try to catch my footing but I’m still smiling because, damn, that felt so good.

I straighten and take some deep breaths until the pain leaves me and that’s when I feel eyes on me.

The feeling is so strong that I look behind me, but all I can see is the empty building opposite. I’m about to walk up to the window when my phone starts ringing in my bag.

All thoughts that someone was watching me leave my mind and I rush over to my bag to get my phone.

When I take it out I see it’s Mrs. Grimfrost, the bank manager. I saved her number so I’d know who was calling.

I answer the phone and try to keep my rapid breathing under control. “Hello, Chloe Ricci speaking.”

“Hi, Chloe, it’s Mrs. Grimfrost from the bank.”

“Thank you so much for calling me.” I act surprised, like I didn’t know it was her and I haven’t been counting down the seconds to receive this call.

“That’s not a problem at all. Of course, I’m calling with the final decision on your loan.” She pauses for a beat but it feels like years pass in those few seconds. “I want to thank you for your application. I passed your pitch because I felt you gave a convincing argument butunfortunately the analysts declined the application on the basis of the amount of debt the business currently has.”

The heaviness of disappointment pushes on my soul and I stop breathing. I want to believe this is a bad dream, or a bad thought, but I know being delusional won’t help me.

“Declined?” I can barely get the word out.

“I’m sorry. I truly am. You seem enthusiastic about your family’s restaurant. I’m sorry to destroy your hopes. I have no doubt you’ll put the work in to revive the place, but the debts on it are just too substantial. What we don’t want is a situation where the money you borrow is just enough to pay the debts. If you can minimize those, then you can try again in six months.”

Six months. Will Mom even be alive then? “Okay. Thank you for trying for me.”

“Of course. And I am truly sorry.”

She’s sorry? So am I. “Thanks.”

“Take care.”

We hang up and I feel so weak I fear I may faint.

I walk over to the wall and rest my hand on it. My breathing is a labored staccato and my chest hurts like I’m going to have a heart attack.

That fucking Harlan. This shit is about him again.

What am I going to tell Mom?

She looked hopeful this morning. Knowing about the loan application gave her hope. How can I tell her I didn’t get it?

I don’t care what she said to me; hearing this news is going to break her heart all over again.

I was so confident I’d get the loan. Or at least I was trying to be positive.

I really believed this would work.

But it didn’t.