Fierce Monarch (Gilded Empire Book 3)

Chapter 2 – Nate

My first memory was my brother trying to kill me.

I was just a normal five-year-old at day care, playing with cars and laughing with the other kids, when this man showed up, saying he was my brother. I’d never met him before, but we had the same hair, the same eyes. He took me from the day care before I had a chance to say goodbye, telling me we were going on an adventure, just the two of us.

I was a fatherless kid, desperate to belong to someone. Who was I to say no?

According to my mother, Cash had suspected his father had sired another son, but for years, he had no proof.

Until he did.

Our father sent money to my mother, not enough to survive on, but enough to “help.” Apparently, Cash tracked it. He’d been in his twenties at the time and well into the underworld, so checking a few bank statements wasn’t out of his capabilities. Neither was hiding his tracks.

We drove around in circles for an hour before he took me to this little pond just outside of town, only stopping to pick up burgers for lunch, which we ate on the shoreline. As we munched on the fast-food fries, he told me all about being raised by our father. The good times, the bad times, the anger, the joy. All of it.

Then he told me to take off my shoes because we were going swimming. I didn’t know how to swim, but he was my big brother, and all the books said brothers could be trusted, right?

Wrong.

For a while, he taught me to swim. To hold my breath. He held me up and let me float along the surface, smiling and laughing at his silly face. I had no warning when everything changed. I had no clue what flipped the switch, but he went from holding me above the water to holding me under it. I remembered clawing at his arm, desperately trying to get up, to find air. Crying under water for my mom. The terror when I swallowed. The absolute certainty that I was going to die.

Then he stopped.

Decades later, I still didn’t know why he’d come for me or why he’d let me live. Only that he did.

That was the day my debt began.

Walking back into his compound after months away was eye-opening. It was no Marcosa mansion, that was for sure. The walls were solid, but the floor was scratched up, the couches old and destroyed. There was an air of desperation to the space that the mansion never had. Not to mention, there was booze in every hand, drugs on every flat surface, and women on every lap.

So many women.

A hand clamped down on my shoulder, squeezing just tight enough to hurt. That alone told me who it was. “Welcome back, little brother.”

I grunted my hello and jerked my head toward the room. “What’s with the party?”

Cash snatched my bag off my shoulder and tossed it at an Ace with a gruff command to take it to my room. I latched on to it, hauling it over my shoulder, and waved him away. “Don’t want anyone in my room.”

“Right, forgot about your little need for privacy.” My brother sneered, like the idea of a locked door was disgusting. Maybe for him, it was.

I held the bag firmly against my side, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, forcing me into the room as if he knew that if I had a choice, I’d run. “It’s a celebration. A welcome home for the prodigal brother. See anything you like?”

This was part and parcel for Cash. Throw women in my lap as if he didn’t know I hated his guts, hoping it would make me more amenable, when we both knew I was only here because I had nowhere else to go. Luckily for him, I’d learned early that going with the flow made him more tolerable, and I wasn’t looking to make my situation worse.

Rolling my eyes, I looked over the crowd, realizing something interesting. All the women looked the same. Blonde hair, blue eyes, thin and wispy enough for their clothes to fall off their bodies. All lightness when I wanted dark hair and dark eyes to suck me in and never let me go.

Had he intentionally picked someone the opposite of Mari as a kindness or because he wanted to make me suffer? Since I was fairly confident he didn’t believe love was real, I was pretty sure it was his version of the former.

I was about to make a joke about Cash having a type, as he expected, when I saw him. The man sat on the back couch like a king, surrounded by women—though he didn’t touch any of them—with a beer in his hand, which he tipped my way.

The Marcosa spy.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t nod or wink or grin. I just glared. Because Mari deserved better than him. His lips ticked up, thoroughly entertained by my irritation.

My brother saw where I was looking and grinned. “I didn’t realize he was here already. Come on, let’s get a drink.”

Another hold on my shoulder, another reminder that no matter what happened, I wasn’t free. I would never be free. I’d signed my life over to the devil at five, and I owed him until I was ready to shut my eyes for good.

Cash shoved a bottle in my hand, snatched a girl around the waist, and dragged the three of us through the crowd, which parted like he was fucking Moses. Because he needed that ego boost.

“Nate, Cash. Good to see you again.” Marcosa gave us that good ol’ boy smile that set my teeth on edge. “I see you’ve returned home and caused quite a stir in the process.”

I barely swallowed the urge to tell him home was not here, covering my silence with a pull of beer. How could a place I couldn’t rest my head safely ever be a home? No, my home was with soft sheets, soft skin, and brown hair on my pillow. My home was something I would never see again.

The urge to ask about her soured the beer in my stomach.

Cash’s arm squeezed tight around my neck, and as always, I wondered if he was wishing he’d finished the job he started so many years ago. “Of course he did. Nate is excellent at his job. No one compares to my brother.”

He said it like he cared about my feelings, like he would do anything to have my back. Like I was special. I had never been special. I was a tool, something to torment my mother and a weapon to make his army fear him. That was all I was and all I would ever be.

Marcosa’s lips tipped again, still hiding that self-indulgent smile. “You must be excited to have your pick of women tonight. No more sharing for you.”

He and Cash laughed loudly as I recited “fuck you” in every language I’d ever heard in my head.

I wanted to tell them how much I wanted to share, how beautiful Mari looked falling apart between the three of us and that I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life than touch another woman who wasn’t her. But I couldn’t do that, just like I couldn’t do anything else. Doing so would make her wish she were dead, because Cash didn’t like me. If he found something I enjoyed, he broke it, and Mari was not going to be another of his broken little dolls. I wouldn’t allow it.

The reminder of what was at stake pushed me to act, and I pasted on a grin so similar to Dominic’s playboy act we could have been twins, making a big show of looking around. “It has been a minute. I think I’ll go do that now, if you don’t need me for anything.”

I looked at my brother, who tipped his beer, clinking our bottles together. “Nah, you’re good. Enjoy tonight, little bro. We’ve got work to do tomorrow. The little queen may have fallen, but we need to make sure she stays down.”

My nod was on autopilot, a movement completely detached from my mind. It unsettled me that I was already falling into good soldier habits, but what else could you do in deadly situations where fighting back got you dead? I had to hold it together for a little while longer.

Make a plan. Get to Mari. Kill Cash. “You got it.”

Stepping through the crowd, I let the bodies swallow me up. I checked out the women, unseeing eyes skating over each body before moving on. It made my stomach roll. I didn’t even want to pretend to check them out. It felt like cheating.

Hard to cheat when you blew your relationship to smithereens.

One of the women walked around with sealed bottles on a tray, and I traded in my empty for a fresh one. Getting Mari back was my second priority. Surviving was my first.

I was almost to the other side of the room when she stepped into my path, and I had to resist the urge to curl my lip.

The woman was small, tiny in stature and body, but it wasn’t healthy. She looked sickly, yet I knew from my time in the compound that she was one of the women who prided herself on having everyone in the gang at least once. I was just another notch on her bedpost.

“You looking for company?” she rasped, and I winced at how painful it sounded.

No was on the tip of my tongue, and then I looked back to see my brother and his guest watching.

Son of a bitch.

Filing through my options, I closed my eyes against a groan. I didn’t have a fucking choice, and I hated it.

“Yeah.” Snatching her arm, I pulled her behind me down the hallway and into my suite. Despite the fact that I’d lived here for years, the room was no-frills at best. It was nothing important, just a place to rest my head. A transitional space with three rooms, two bedrooms connected by a main living area and kitchen. I learned early on that Cash liked taking my things away. It didn’t matter if I made him happy or sad—or even if he wanted the damn thing. If I had it, he wanted it. The good thing was, it taught me to care less about my possessions. I had nothing I would be upset to lose.

Except he’d done it yet again, this time taking away the only thing that had ever been mine, and I’d let him.

Pulling the girl into the spare room, I shut the door behind us and motioned to the bed. She went eagerly, then reached for my belt. I slapped her hands away before they could get close. “Don’t touch me.”

She looked around as if she could see a camera. “I don’t understand.”

Sighing, I looked up at the ceiling for patience, cursing Cash every way I could. “What’s your name?”

“Ava.”

“Okay, Ava. How much would it take for your silence?”

“Silence?” Her brows furrowed like she’d never heard the word, and I groaned. Christ, was she on drugs? I couldn’t negotiate if she was high; she’d be too much of a liability. People with vices liked to open their fucking mouths whenever possible, and this had to stay between us.

“Are you high?”

“No.”

“Drunk?”

“No,” she growled.

“Would you pass a drug test?”

“Sober as a church mouse.”

I stared at her, and she rolled her eyes. “Fine, two beers, but I’m not a lightweight. I can still consent.”

“Do the men in this gang really stop to ask that?”

“No.” That one word killed me. For a moment, Ava sounded as small as she looked, and I ached to tell her to run, to leave and never look back. This wasn’t a life for anyone, and she was in her early twenties. Still plenty young enough to start over and be happy. Then her eyes sharpened, and I knew she wouldn’t go, even if I promised her a way out. She was ready to die on this hill, and I had no doubt she would. They always did.

“You got an old man?”

“No.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Christ. No boyfriend, fuck buddy, or husband waiting for me. No one I give a shit about. Why, you looking for a new girl?”

“Absolutely not.”

The sharpness of my words made her flinch, and I decided that honesty was the best policy here. If she opened her mouth to anyone, she’d be dead before dawn anyway. Even if Cash wanted me to control, he needed my reputation intact more, and that meant he’d do anything to ensure I was as big an alpha male douche as possible. “I don’t want to touch you and I really don’t want you touching me, but I need them to think that we screwed.”

“But you don’t want to?”

Not in a million years, but that felt unkind to say, so I shook my head.

“I’m supposed to—what? Sit in here?” She sounded incredulous, but I saw the way her hand ran across the soft sheets. I didn’t let women into my room, even when I did fuck them, so the guest room had the best sheets I could buy. Soft and supple and so good against naked skin.

“Yes.” She looked like she’d interrupt, but I kept talking. “I won’t fuck you. Not now, not ever, but I need you to make it seem like we did. That means messy hair, messy makeup, walk of shame tomorrow—the whole enchilada. In return, you can stay here in this room. Alone. There’s a massive shower with unlimited hot water and all the streaming channels. I’ll even order you whatever food you want. I don’t give a fuck, as long as you stay until morning.”

We had a pretty good kitchen staff in-house, so room service was an option, but even if she wanted the most expensive meal in the city, I’d have it delivered. I just needed to buy myself some time.

Ava toyed with the bedspread as she looked at the floor. “How do I know that you’re not just going to change your mind and come in here when I’m asleep and vulnerable?”

“Because I’m not an asshole or a predator.” She just stared and I sighed, my patience beyond worn. “There’s a lock on the door, and I don’t have a key. Other than the window, it’s the only exit. You can put whatever you want in front of the door to keep me out. I just need you to keep your mouth shut unless it’s saying that I fucked you into that mattress. Can you do that?”

“They’re not going to believe it.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I didn’t know how to tell her that her reputation would protect us both, but I didn’t need to. She took one look at my face and laughed. “Look, I know I get around—I’m not ashamed of that—but it means most of the men out there know what I sound like. News flash, I am not quiet.”

Discomfort settled under my skin, and I had the urge to flee the room. “I don’t want to have this conversation with you.”

Or any other woman.The only person whose screams I wanted was Mari, and I doubted I’d be that lucky again.

Ava’s face softened. “I get it. I’m just saying, we need to make it believable.”

“I am not touching you,” I said through gritted teeth.

“I didn’t ask you to.” She pulled her purse over onto her lap and dug through, pulling out a suspiciously large silk pouch.

Oh my fucking god. “Is that a vibrator?”

“Obviously. Wanna see?”

“No!” She dropped the bag to her lap and set her purse on the floor. “Do you just carry that thing around all the time?”

Ava raised her eyebrow like I was dumber than a box of rocks. “You just pointed out that I sleep with a bunch of criminals. Do you think most of them know where the clit is?”

I wasn’t touching that comment with a ten-foot pole.

Ava clapped her hands and grinned. “Here’s the plan. I’m going to stream some audio porn onto the TV and use my vibrator to make myself come. If anybody passes the room, they’ll hear what they expect. I get an orgasm, you get the street cred. They’ll expect an all-nighter from the conquering hero, so I’ll stay in here tonight and repeat a few times. In an hour, you can order room service and leave it and my fee outside the door.”

“What’s your fee?”

“Two hundred.”

I would’ve paid triple to keep her away from me. It sounded like too good of a deal, and I learned a long time ago that anything that good typically meant I was getting fucked.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I narrowed my eyes. “What’s in this for you?”

“I already told you, a few orgasms, food, and a quiet place to rest.” I lifted an eyebrow, and she huffed. “Fine, it’s because you’re paying me.”

The sass was strong, but it was a lie. I could see it. There was something else, some other reason she agreed. When I continued to stare at her, she sighed.

“Before you left, you were surviving—and barely that—but you weren’t here. Not really. Now you’re back, and even though I can see you slipping back into that survival mentality, you look sad. Actually, you look wrecked. I just want to help.”

Destroyed was a better word, but she wasn’t wrong.

“Besides, you’ve always been nice to me and the other girls. Don’t think that just because we haven’t been in your bed that we haven’t noticed.” My ears burned, and I tried to ignore the earnest stare.

My brother was a sadist and an asshole. I couldn’t count the number of women I’d poured into taxis and sent away because I was scared he’d go too far and kill them. Or the ones I took to the clinic to get tested or birth control or morning-after pills. The ones I’d subtly warned away from the worst members of the Aces in an effort to keep them safe. I thought I’d been invisible, unnoticeable. My mistake.

“So, do we have a deal?” Ava held out her hand to shake.

“We have a deal, but I’m not going to touch you.”

She shrugged and lifted the bag again. My lip curled at the reminder that I was in the same room as a sex toy and another woman. Mari is going to have my balls.

Except, no. She wasn’t. Because she wasn’t mine anymore.

Fuck, I missed her. The ache hit swiftly, almost taking me out at the knees, and I knew I had to get out of there. I quickly got Ava’s order and headed for the door. “I’ll send your food in an hour.”

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll make it memorable.” She smirked, tossing the bag onto the bed before standing to follow me out.

“Don’t call me baby,” I said clearly. I had no room for miscommunication.

Ava smiled, winked, then shoved me out the door, the loud click of the lock falling into place behind me. Running a hand over my face, I wondered just what I’d gotten into, then decided it didn’t matter. I was all in if it would get Cash off my back, even for a little while.

I’d unwillingly heard rumors about Ava’s prowess more than once and figured I could get away with not picking anyone up for at least a week if she made it convincing enough. The woman was a hellcat on a good day.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” I mumbled, walking into my room and locking the door behind me. It was just as bare as the rest of the apartment and twice as heartless.

I missed Mari throwing her clothes on the floor, only for Greyson to pick them up and fold them. I missed Dominic slouching everywhere, putting his fucking feet on the couches. The low hum of the radio that one or all of them always seemed to have on. I didn’t even think they realized it most of the time. They just couldn’t stand the silence.

And my suite was all silence.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, it hit me that I was alone for the first time in months, and the weight of that was crushing.

I’d been avoiding thinking of Mari as much as possible since we left the meeting because I knew the second I did, I would have to come to terms with how badly I’d fucked up. I’d have to relive her beautiful face twisted in agony. The fire of betrayal not just from her, but the men I had started considering brothers. Real brothers, not like whatever toxic relationship Cash and I had.

Dominic and Greyson were supportive and kind. They were warm and welcoming once I’d proven myself. They invited me into the fold and made me feel like an equal, even though I had far less history with Mari. They never once made me feel bad about who I was, and I found myself standing taller in their presence. As if just having them and Mari nearby made me stronger, better.

And then I’d gone and screwed it up.

I need to talk to her.

My phone was in my hand before I even finished the thought, and every ring screamed that it was a mistake. But I couldn’t stop myself. I had to hear her voice. I had to explain, even if she wouldn’t believe me—and she wouldn’t. I wasn’t stupid; I knew the truth like I knew her, but I couldn’t let the last time we interacted be with my brother in the room. I couldn’t live with her thinking I didn’t love her. If I could only tell her one thing, I’d tell her that.

The call connected, but there was nothing but silence for a minute.

“Angel—”

“What do you want?” I’d seen Grey in pain. I’d seen him terrified and worried and desperate for news. I’d seen him so angry he was ready to rip someone’s head off, but I’d never heard his voice so fucking cold. This was worse than frostbite. It was hypothermia in a voice.

“Can I?—”

“No.”

Of course he was playing guard dog. “Greyson. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I need?—”

“How dare you call and ask for anything. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

Betrayed the love of my life and ruined any trust she ever had in me or anyone else. I could see it right there in front of me, as I’d stood behind Cash, watching every painful second of her closing herself off to people.

But Grey already knew that.

“I just want to explain.”

“She doesn’t need your explanations. She needs you to leave her alone. Stay the hell away from her, Nathaniel Beckstrom. If you step within a hundred feet of her, I will wipe out your entire fucking bloodline. You hear me?”

That would probably be a mercy, I thought. But I couldn’t say that either. The consequences for spilling our fucked-up secrets meant death. And not mine.

My throat was tight and sharp as I swallowed. “Yeah, I hear you.”

I barely had the words out before the beep of my phone told me he’d hung up. I wanted to throw it at a window, but the device was my only access to Mari. Then again, if Greyson was answering her phone, that avenue was likely closed. Still, I didn’t want to let it go. Couldn’t, really. Not yet.

Tossing it and myself onto the bed, I stared at the ceiling. I’d known the moment the text came in that I’d have to burn any possibility of a life with Mari, but living it was far worse than I’d imagined. I felt an emptiness behind my breastbone that I wasn’t sure I could survive.

You have to, I told myself. You did this. You could have told her. She would have listened. She could have helped you.

But I didn’t because it wasn’t just myself I was trying to protect, and now she was gone. Nothing but a memory of a time I’d never enjoy again.

The weight of my actions had been pressing on me for hours, but alone in my room, it hit hard and fast.

There would be no hand-holding in the car on the way to meetings, no standing at Mari’s back and watching her overachieve when others thought she’d fail. No climbing into bed with her fresh-faced and soft from the shower. No snuggling up to her with the others close by.

That life was over, and I would never get it back.

Still, I couldn’t let her go. Not really. She was the heart in my chest, the breath in my lungs. I couldn’t exist without loving her, so I wouldn’t try to. I’d let the love sustain me, even when it faded for her.

The more I thought about it, the better I felt.

Just because I couldn’t have her didn’t mean I couldn’t keep our history safe, and it didn’t mean I couldn’t keep her safe. If Mari was gone from me forever, an option I could never return to, then the least I could do was make sure she was alive and happy. Even if it killed me to watch someone else take my place.