Chapter 15 – Mari
Having extensive security was great until you needed to sneak out of the house. I waited until Greyson and Dominic were both out—which was almost impossible since Grey’s habit of watching me sleep hadn’t disappeared—before sneaking into the hall and changing. The spare gun under the coffee bar went into my holster since I couldn’t risk bringing my usual one. The moment I went near it, both my men would’ve been on red alert, and I couldn’t have that.
Getting out of the building was an ordeal itself, and I made notes to upgrade a few areas that weren’t technically blind spots but certainly didn’t add any protection to us. Moore and Tennessee would have a fit, but they could get in line because Dominic was going to tan my ass while Greyson watched.
Still, I was alone, and that was what mattered. It wasn’t a good idea, but I couldn’t have company for this. I needed to see this through so I could move on. I had to move on.
The drive across town was quick since no one else was out at the witching hour. Just me, the night sky, and a million regrets that felt like lead balloons.
By the time I pulled up to the address in Nate’s employment file, I wasn’t sure how to feel.
Sunshine Estates was anything but sunny. The once-white buildings were gray with grime and barely standing, with most walls and windows sporting more cracks than stone. The sidewalk was rubble, the bushes were scraggly and sharp, and the only living greenery was grass that I couldn’t guarantee wasn’t painted to look better. And that was just the outside.
The hallways were a mess, the stair railings so bad they practically waved in the breeze, and by the time I broke in to Nate’s apartment, I was fairly certain I was going to need a tetanus shot.
The part of me that still loved Nate—because a week and an orgy or two wasn’t enough time to get over something like that—was horrified that he’d lived there. I understood that for some people, it was the only option, and I understood as much as I hated that for them. But Nate had more than enough money for something better. Was the apartment a way to get in with me? To make me feel sorry for him and invite him to my place, or was it that Cash didn’t want to spend money where he didn’t need to? Or was it something else entirely?
I was just happy to be free.
Checking the hallway three times, I knelt in front of apartment 4-B and got to work on the lock. It clicked in no time, and even though I felt a sliver of unease, I pushed the door open. Backup would’ve been a smarter plan, especially if it meant letting someone else sweep the place for booby traps or hiding ex-boyfriends, but I didn’t have time. I needed to get back to the Celestine before the boys woke up.
So, I pulled my gun, stepped inside, and shut the door behind me. All right, Beckstrom. Let’s see what you got.
My first time through the apartment, I cleared each of the rooms, on the lookout for weapons, cameras, or alarms. Though I wasn’t sure if Nate would actually kill me, I wasn’t willing to risk dying in this cesspool of a building because of my gut. When I came up with nothing, I pulled out a flashlight and went back through the place, taking my time. I didn’t want anyone interrupting me until I was through.
Every nook and cranny were checked, every floorboard tapped just in case, but I found nothing interesting inside. The apartment was Spartan at best, minimalist in a way that showed it was a place to sleep, not a home. Nothing inside those walls was irreplaceable, and I wondered if that was something the military had taught Nate or if it was something he’d learned from Cash.
The place seemed lonely. Two sets of dishes, though it seemed like that was only so he didn’t have to do dishes as often. Only one chair at the dining table, and it was so scratched and torn I wasn’t sure it would hold even my weight. The couch was lumpy from use, but not by Nate. The two different-sized indents said he’d bought it used and never made his mark.
That was all the man’s life added up to. A few plates and a bed that looked as uncomfortable as everything else inside those four walls. There wasn’t a single picture on the walls or tables, no color at all. It was bland and gray. Boring. It was all so sad.
There has to be more.
I went back to looking, unable to leave well enough alone, even knowing my window of solitude was likely ending. There was food in the fridge that said Nate still came over occasionally, so I needed to finish up and leave.
I was kneeling on the floor beside his bed, chest to the floor to make sure he wasn’t hiding anything underneath, when a throat cleared.
Instinct had me rolling before I’d even registered it, a gun in my hand before my back hit the hardwood. With the lights off, I couldn’t see his face clearly, but I knew who it was. I could feel it in my bones. His words only solidified it.
“What’re you doing here, angel?”
I stayed where I was, feet planted and gun aimed, even though the position was decidedly vulnerable. I hated it, but I hated the idea of trying to get up while possibly losing my shot at him even more.
“Wanted to see what else you lied about.”
He sighed, leaning farther into the wall, hands flat against the plaster like he was trying to tell me he wasn’t dangerous. I wasn’t an idiot. Men didn’t need weapons to be dangerous, and now that I was in a room with Nate again, he felt decidedly like a threat. “I didn’t lie about everything.”
Even knowing that for myself now, I didn’t believe him. I just couldn’t. Words didn’t mean shit anymore, his actions did, and he’d done nothing but be dishonest.
I hated him for how much that loss of trust hurt.
Saying nothing, I waited him out. Even though I’d been raised to be a bargaining chip for my mafia husband, I’d worked my ass off to be dangerous in my own right. Part of that was knowing my limits. I could hold my gun for a long-ass time if I had to, but it would turn my arms into useless noodles. I had to get out of the apartment before it came to that.
As I was creating and discarding plans in my head, Nate spoke. “You shouldn’t be out alone.”
Instead of rolling my eyes like I wanted to, I weighed the pros and cons of getting up and decided they were stacked firmly in my favor. Keeping my gaze glued to Nate, I carefully stood. My gun never wavered, my chin never dropped, and my hands were steady. I just couldn’t lie there like a flipped turtle while we talked. I had to be on my own two feet. “Like you care.”
“I do. I’m trying to protect you.”
What the fuck did that mean? “Well, don’t. I don’t want it.”
“What if I do?” He paused, and even in the dimness from the streetlight outside, I saw the fire in his eyes. The burning. When he spoke, his voice was wrecked. “I can’t lose you, angel.”
“You already did.” It was instinct. Hurt lashing out to hurt someone else. Poison finding a new host. I wanted to infect Nate with whatever the fuck I had inside me so I wasn’t dying alone. He started this, but I needed to finish it.
And I did. He flinched like I wanted, but I found no satisfaction in it, and that made things worse than ever.
The realization that I was in an apartment with Nate, alone and across the city from my closest allies, made my heart pound. What a fucking idiot.
“This was a mistake.” I stepped toward the door, but Nate matched me, keeping himself between me and my exit.
“Don’t go. Let’s just…talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Nate. You’re a liar and a fraud. You let me love you, and it was all a lie.”
“It wasn’t a lie,” he growled, frustration evident in his face, which I could barely look at.
You wanted closure, Mari. Close it up. Taking a deep breath, I did just that. What happened before—the kiss, the stalking—it couldn’t happen again. Nate was my past, and I had to leave him there or my future was fucked. So even if I wanted him to be telling the truth, I couldn’t wait around to find out. This needed to end. “Whatever it is you think you’re saving, it’s gone, Nate. Let it go. Let me go.”
A moment passed in which I was sure he’d do it, that he’d admit he was wrong and walk away. It would’ve been the easier option for him. He could’ve wiped his hands clean and found himself in the arms of another woman in seconds. Fighting for a relationship when both parties were interested in keeping it going was hard enough, but fighting when the other person was actively trying to sabotage you? That was a fool’s errand. Better to cut your losses and start over with someone new.
Which was exactly why I wasn’t expecting Nate to cross the floor, steps quick despite their heaviness. I didn’t expect him to toss my gun onto the bed before I realized he was reaching for it and shove me against the wall. I wasn’t expecting him to pin me with his hips while he ravished my mouth.
Or maybe I was.
Maybe all of Ash’s talk about closure sex had addled my brain.
Nate nipped at my lips, forcing his way into my mouth with his tongue and between my thighs with one of his legs until he was touching me everywhere. One of his hands gripped my hair, pulling my head back so all I saw was him. The rumble of his voice vibrated through my chest, and I was too stunned by what he said to think about moving. “No.”
“What?” I was dazed and drunk on his touch as he peeled off my shirt and the feel of his thigh pressing my jeans against my clit. I wanted to come. I wanted to fuck the anger out of my body so that I could move on. The boys had done so much to help me, but a hate fuck was a good way to finish what they’d started. I’d wipe my memory of Nate Beckstrom and move forward like he’d never existed.
As if he knew what I was thinking, he pressed forward until we were sharing breaths. “What we had isn’t gone, and I didn’t lose you. You’re still right here, about to come for me.”
“Shut up.” I dug my fingers into his arms, where they’d somehow ended up in the shuffle, and even though he winced, I felt his cock harden against me. I could’ve done more damage, could’ve put him on his knees, but fuck me, I needed this. I did, and I wasn’t ashamed to say it—though I wasn’t relishing explaining it to my partners later.
“No.” Nate nipped me again, bruising me for all the world to see like I was still his. The thought pissed me off enough that I sank my teeth into his neck in return and left the perfect imprint of my teeth on him.
I tried not to think of how satisfying it was to see them.
“That’s right, baby. Show everyone whose man I am.”
“Not mine.”
The spank to my outer thigh didn’t hurt, but I yelped anyway. Mostly because I wasn’t expecting it, though the sting did feel nice and glowy. “Always yours,” Nate corrected. “Now ride my thigh.”
He moved his hand to my hip, encouraging me to grind against him. I knew I shouldn’t, knew it was a bad fucking idea, but I couldn’t stop myself. Maybe that was why the orgasm came quickly. While Nate tried his damnedest to mark his territory, I detonated with his name in my mouth.
He had my jeans off and my body hauled into his arms in seconds. His warm cock slid through my arousal, and I locked up.
“Condom.”
Nate froze, his hands clenching at my ass. “I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“I don’t care. You want to fuck me, you use a condom.”
He looked like he was about to punch a hole in the wall. “But we didn’t?—”
We’d stopped using condoms almost immediately after we’d become official. We’d both gotten tested, along with Dominic and Greyson, and since the relationships were closed and I was on birth control, it didn’t seem necessary. But that was when I trusted Nate, when I was honored to have that type of intimate connection. Now, it was too close, and I just couldn’t do it. “If you want to fuck me at all, I suggest you not finish that sentence. Put on a rubber, or get off me.”
The standoff was brief, but I could feel Nate’s agitation in every move he made. Though, I didn’t know if he was pissed at me or himself. Still, the second he put it on, I felt better, and he noticed it. It might’ve been a thin barrier, but it was a distance I needed. He hauled me up into his arms, gentle despite the ticking in his jaw.
“Are you sure about this?”
No, not even remotely. All I could do was hope that I ended the night a little less broken, instead of bleeding out on the floor from yet another Beckstrom. “Fuck me, Nate.”
“I’m not going to fuck you,” he said softly. “I’m going to love you.”
Please don’t.
I kept my eyes on his as he slid inside me, that familiar warmth and weight of him making my pussy clench. He hissed and pulled out, keeping the pace slow and even. There was a moment when I debated telling him to go harder, but one look at his face told me he knew what I wanted and just refused to give it to me.
It wasn’t until he started talking that I realized why he was doing it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t,” I snapped even as my back arched for him. I could handle the sex and the words if they were separate, but together, it was too much.
Nate ghosted his lips over my cheek. “I made a mistake.”
“Stop.” Stop talking. Stop fighting this. Let me go.
“No. I’m going to fix this.” He drove deeper and harder into my body, hands holding their fill of my ass as he pulled a groan from my chest. “I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make it up to you.”
“No talking.”
“Angel.”
Yanking his hair, I pulled his lips to mine, silencing him with a kiss while I took over rolling my hips. I fucked him hard and fast, letting his arms and the wall do all the work to keep me stable. “Fuck me, Nate. I don’t want to talk.”
“Later.” When I nodded reluctantly, because I wasn’t planning on hashing anything out, he took my mouth and unleashed himself on me. Nate fucked like he had something to prove, and hell, maybe he did, but I wasn’t sure what message I was supposed to be getting.
I love you?I miss you?I’m sorry?
No part of me trusted a word out of his mouth, which made our last time together a specific type of torture because I couldn’t silence the voice inside myself that wanted to believe him.
I wanted his apologies. I wanted it to heal. I wanted Nate.
But I wanted to survive more. The whole thing was bittersweet and painful, like eating the best dessert you’d ever tasted, only to find out you’re allergic after the last bite. My heart pounded, and my chest was tight. I was close to crying at the same time as I was racing toward orgasm, because even though he was a shitty person and a liar of a boyfriend, Nate was very good at giving my body what it wanted. “Come for me, angel. Let me feel you again.”
Then I was coming. That beautiful, bone-deep euphoria swept my body, and I let the tidal wave take me, knowing he’d be right behind. And he was. Nate powered into me, his arms holding me tight, reminding me that I wouldn’t fall. He wouldn’t let me.
Nate panted against my neck as he found his own release, and it felt right having us joined like that one final time.
The sex felt the same as always with Nate, like I was coming for him and coming home. It felt like I’d spent my whole life waiting to be understood and cared for and fucked like that.
But this was an interlude, not reality. Nate and I weren’t real. We were a figment of my imagination, the result of a game played by the brother of a psychopath. There was no future here, and there never would be.
We were enemies, even when I hadn’t realized it.
The second I caught my breath, I tapped Nate’s hands, needing space. Needing distance. Needing away from him.
Suddenly, that condom didn’t seem like enough.
“Mari—”
“Down, Nate.”
I felt his eyes on me, even as I kept mine planted firmly on the wall over his shoulder and the door to the room. Now that our moment was over, I needed to go. It had been a mistake to come when anyone could’ve walked into the room while we were busy. I could’ve died because I couldn’t just let Nate go.
Stupid.
Nate took a step back from the wall, bringing me with him, and I wondered if I’d have to fight him to get down. Then he dropped my legs one at a time, keeping his hands close to make sure I was stable before pulling away.
“Hand me that?” I asked, pointing to the bra on his bed. I could get it myself, but some sick part of me needed him to take the first step. He grabbed it quickly, squeezing it in his hands before lifting it toward me. I reached for it, but he didn’t let go until I met his eyes.
I saw a fragility there that I didn’t like, a vulnerability that felt too much like the hole carved in my chest for comfort.
“What was that?” His voice was raspy in that way that came from really good sex, and I forced myself to ignore it as I pulled on the bra and then my jeans so he couldn’t see how it affected me.
“That was goodbye. Since you got to do it your way, I decided I needed to do it mine.”
“I didn’t… That wasn’t what I meant… I’m sorry.” Nate’s voice fell off at the end, quiet and sad and a load of bullshit. I didn’t believe a word he said, so I pretended it didn’t matter as I fluffed my hair and straightened my shirt, even though I felt like I was leaving my heart on his bedroom floor.
Guess I was always going to bleed out tonight.
“It’s fine. I got you out of my system, and now I can move on for good.”
I grabbed my flashlight, not wanting to leave a single thing behind for him.
“Wait! Before you go, you should know something.”
I had no doubt it was a trap, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I needed to know what he was going to say.
“Cash is setting up a rai?—”
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I answered on autopilot since only a few people had the new number, grimacing at the number of missed calls and texts on the screen. Greyson and Dominic were pissed.
“You better get down here.” Cameron’s voice was grim, and fear gripped my heart immediately.
“Ash?”
“No. Shara.”
I stuffed my feet into my shoes, grabbing my gun and heading for the door the second her name dropped. Nate trailed me, but I ignored him. He wasn’t my priority when my sister needed me. “What happened?”
“Police raided the club, said there was an anonymous tip about drugs. They found them in her locker.”
My hand was on the doorknob when Cameron’s words hit me so hard, I stopped cold. “Say that again?”
“They came on a tip that led them straight to Shara’s locker.”
My heart was thundering in my chest, my vision swimming as rage took me over. “I see. Let me call you back.”
I ended the call and slid my phone back into my pocket before casually leaning down to tie my shoes.
“Is everything okay?”
“You tell me, Nate. What was it you were saying about Cash?”
He gulped, eyes averted as he told me again. “Cash is setting up a raid on Gilded. He wants to get your people in jail on drug charges.”
Motherfucker. I knew it was a mistake to see him again. I knew he was going to fuck me over. “No, he doesn’t want my people. He wants my family. Specifically, he wantsShara.”
Nate’s eyes widened, flicking down to the gun in my hand when I flexed my fingers. “I didn’t know he was going to do that. I just thought he was going for the license or something.”
“Bullshit.”
“I swear on my mother’s life, I’m not lying.”
Despite knowing that his mother existed, I wasn’t so sure Nate cared about her like he said he did, so I wasn’t taking his vow to heart. “I meant what I said before. Tonight was a mistake that won’t happen again. We’re done. Go back to your brother and the Aces, and leave me be.”
“Mari, wait.” He reached for me, and I let the muscle memory take over. Twisting his hand away, I grabbed him by the throat at the same time that I hooked a foot around his knee. If he had been paying more attention, it wouldn’t have worked, but he was distracted. The landing knocked the breath out of him, and he curled onto one side as he fought to get it back. I crouched so I was on his level, my gun at the ready without pointing at him.
“I won’t say this again. Stay out of my life, Nate. I don’t want to kill you, but fuck with my family again, and I will.”
I didn’t wait for him to answer me, just hauled ass out of the apartment. My car screamed to a halt in front of Gilded just in time to see Shara being stuffed into a cop car. She was mouthing off to the cop, who was manhandling her. Just before she ducked her head, she looked up, and we stared at each other over the asphalt.
I’ll get you out of there.
With a wink toward me, she dropped into the seat, and then she was gone, locked away and firmly out of my reach.