2. Cordelia
Why do the movies always make you feel like it’s easy to fall in love with your best friend, confess all your feelings, and then everything is magically peachy? Why don’t they show you that it’s total and utter torture to love someone, knowing they are the one, and you can’t do a thing about it?
The first time I met Kai Coldwell was when my parents had just gotten a divorce, and I went to live with my dad for the summer. Kai was fifteen, and I was fourteen. I thought he was the most beautiful boy I’d ever seen. Boys no longer had cooties, and I wanted to know everything about him. He was off-limits to me romantically, of course. I was only with my dad for the summer, and my dad was his coach. I remember overhearing Dad talking to the three boys he was coaching at the time, saying to keep their paws off his daughter. They listened…unfortunately.
That was a good summer. Dad taught me how to ride a dirt bike, and I got to see cute, shirtless boys. Despite Dad’s warnings to stay away from each other, Kai and I formed a solid platonic friendship. We hit it off, everything was easy between us, but as we got closer, I noticed how careful he was about the things he would tell me.
Kai didn’t reveal much about his family. His mom and little brother would watch from the sidelines as he raced. His older brother would periodically come around, but not as often. I never pressed him again after trying once. I chalked it up to Kai being quiet or reserved. What did I know? I was a teenage girl.
Ten Years Ago
“Kai!” I shout.
He stands from his bike, drops the wrench, and throws his arms out, catching me to spin us around.
“Hey, Cordi. I’ve missed you.” He sets me on my feet and takes a step back. I’ve always hated how he does that. I want him to hold me and never let me go. He might be an adult, but I’m seventeen. I’m almost legal, and it’s only a year between us.
“It’s been like a month, Kai.” I giggle.
He shrugs his dark hair that’s longer on top, sticking up in every direction. It usually happens if he just took his helmet off. It’s one of my favorite looks, and I have a lot of favorite Kai Coldwell looks. In fact, I have a list, and it keeps getting longer.
“I know we text and stuff, but …” he trails off. “Are you staying with your dad again this summer?”
“Yeah, I am. I finished high school early, so I’m done until I have to go to college.” I never wanted to attend college, but I don’t know what else to do. My only goal was to get through high school because the faster I finished, the sooner I could leave my mother. Her new boyfriend of the month kept trying to be a real dad, even though I kept telling him I already have a father. Rick is nicer than the boyfriends before him, but it was annoying, and I couldn’t wait to leave.
Now I’m free and can finally build a better relationship with my dad. Kai is the icing on the cake. I’m hoping maybe, just maybe, he will start seeing me as more than just his friend and the coach’s daughter.
Kai tilts his head, studying me, and I love it when he looks at me like that because he’s actually paying attention to me. “So you decided? Last time we talked about it, you couldn’t choose between three different schools,” he says as we return to his bike. He stoops back down for the wrench, then cranks a bolt on his bike.
My lips involuntarily pin themselves together. I don’t know what to tell him, so I quickly try to pick a college I’m not actually going to. When I glance back down at him, he’s already looking at me with his brow tipped up in question. He knows.
“Umm,” I mutter.
He chuckles and tweaks something else on his bike. “You’re not going to college at all, are you?”
I shrug and avoid his eyes.
“Why not?” he asks.
“I’m not interested?” I attempt.
“Is that a statement or a question?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
He laughs again. “Well, that’s okay. I didn’t go, and you don’t have to either, but what do you want to do instead? Photography?”
My only answer is him, but I don’t think he will like that much. I’m young, and I have time. So, I try to find a different topic to talk about. “Hey, I got you something.” I pull the soft white rabbit’s foot from my pocket and hand it to him. “It’s for good luck.”
“Oh, cool. Thanks, Cordi,” Kai says, taking it from my hand. Our fingers brush, sending a shiver up my arm. Looking down at it, he rolls it in his palm, and the corner of his mouth tips up. Seeing him smile makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
“So, have you been practicing your freestyle? How are yournac-nac’s and heel clickers?“ I ask him.
Kai slips the rabbit’s foot into his pocket and goes back to his bike. “Yeah, I’ve got my nac-nac almost perfect, but I keep second-guessing myself on the heelclicker. I keep throwing my weight wrong, and it makes the bike dip, and I can’t move fast enough to do it.”
“Well, good. Maybe you need to stop thinking so hard. That’s what Dad tells me.”
He rolls his eyes and cranks his socket wrench.
“Can I ask you something…else?”
“You’re going to ask anyway, Cordi.”
He and Dad have called me that since we were young, and I’m really tired of the childish nickname. Shrugging, I roll my eyes back at him. “After all these years, why do you always just listen? You never tell me anything. I know you have your two brothers and your mom, and little things you tell me, like your favorite color, blue. Why is that?” I’ve wanted to know the answer to this ever since we became friends. He would ask me questions and listen intently, but that was it.
“Cordelia, where is this coming from?” he asks.
Sliding my hands into my pockets, I frown, wondering why he used my full name. “Kai, you’re my best friend. We talk all the time, and yet you won’t… I don’t know… tell me how you’re feeling or if you’re dating a girl. Really, anything would be nice.”
His eyes lift from his bike, and I realize he caught on to my hint. “I know, I’m sorry, but…there are things you don’t know, things that I can’t tell you about. If I did, you’ll probably never want to be my friend again.”
I jerk back, confused by his tone. “What does that mean?”
He stands and takes a step closer. “It means, Cordi, this is all I can be.… Your friend.”
My heart seizes in my chest, and I force a breath into my lungs. Those aren’t the words I wanted to hear, but I’m a persistent girl. One day, I will break down that tall, thick wall to get to his heart. We are meant to be. I realize many would say I’m entirely too young to have thoughts like that. I’ve hardly lived. But I’ve also heard the saying when you know, you know, and I know. I don’t know when or how, but I love Kai Coldwell, and I’m sure I always will. The bigger question is: will he ever love me back, or will he let whatever he’s using to keep me away as a means to keep us apart forever?