3. Kai
Present Day
Cordelia walks past me to her and her dad’s trailer. We’re in Arizona for a race and freestyle competition next. After what we had to do at home, I’m ready to get back on the bike. I drove all night to get back here in time. Being out on the open road, just me and my bike, helped clear my head. Our plan to protect our mother feels tenuous, but Esmarie Coldwell is one of the strongest women I know.
I can’t imagine not being there for the woman who kept us alive when she barely had the strength to get up every day. If I could kill my sperm donor, I would. We would. But it’s not that simple. He’s a well-known career politician.
Fred Coldwell is beholden to many people. If we get rid of him, then they will come after us to get the money he surely owes them. They are already watching us, and it would only make things worse. Now is not the time to go in half-cocked. We have to play this smart and stick to the plan: take turns with Mom, beef up her security, and figure out how to end all of this by getting ahead of him. Beat him at his own twisted power games.
My mind goes back to Cordi, my best friend, for as long as I’ve been in motocross. She has been in my life for years, becoming a part of it without realizing it until it was too late. Growing up, I couldn’t wait for her to visit or come to stay with her dad in the summers.
I wish we could be what she wants us to be romantically, but the last thing I want is to involve her in the shit storm that is my life or put her in danger when she has nothing to do with this. I make a point of staying as far away from romantic attachments as possible. There are very few things that would change that for me. It’s not fair to her or me, but I don’t want anyone else caught in the crosshairs.
Other than my brothers, she’s my only friend, and I think I’ve loved her since the first time I saw her. It doesn’t matter, though, because I can never have her.
But I can love her from afar.
***
Kai
Tears fall down my face as I stare out at the dark track. The surrounding lights shut off seconds ago, telling everyone it’s time to go home. I have training in the morning, but my whole body is sore. I want to sleep for maybe three weeks or so. That would be nice. It’s been two years since we left Dad. I’m sixteen, and I feel like my life is already over. All Mom has me doing is train, school, motocross, repeat.
I wish I could be a regular kid. I wish I could take Cordi out on a date and be more than friends. She’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. I don’t really care if she’s a year younger than me, either. She’s mature and could maybe love me that way. But I can’t because I can’t do anything like normal kids, and it sucks.
“Kai?” Cordi’s soft voice startles me, and I quickly brush my tears away. Sixteen-year-olds don’t cry. “Are you okay?” she asks.
Keeping my eyes on the dark track, I shrug. It gets creepy at night. All the hills and shapes start to look like a monster coming for you in the dark. Only I live in a waking nightmare. Sometimes, I wake up at night and walk around the house just to make sure he’s not there.
“You know, you’re kind of being a creeper standing out here in the dark. Isn’t your mom coming to get you?”
I take a deep breath. “Yeah, she is. I haven’t had the chance to get my license yet. I will soon, though.”
“Cool, maybe we can go joyriding,” Cordi says, smiling.
Her smile makes me smile. “Yeah, that could be really cool.”
“I wanted to hug you because Dad is taking me back to the airport tomorrow. I have to go home since spring break is over.”
I sigh and turn, hugging her to me. She’s still small, but she’s grown a few inches compared to my five foot eight. Also, her hips are curvier than when I last saw her. I lay my cheek against the top of her honey-smelling head and take a deep breath, trying to keep it in my lungs. “I’ll miss you, Cordi.”
“I’ll miss you too. Just a few more years, then we can travel all over the country and I can take pictures of you doing tsunamis.”
I grin and squeeze her one more time. “That sounds like a really good plan, Cordi.”
We stand there for a while until Mom comes to pick me up.
I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone the way I love Cordelia Quinn.
***
That’s exactly what she does now. She takes pictures of me doing tsunamis and all kinds of other tricks on my bike. I’m glad she could make her dream come true and be a photographer, and she’s gotten to be pretty good.
“Come on, Kai! You have got to throw your weight harder, or that bike will come down on you! You know this!” Coach Reece scolds, shaking me out of my thoughts about Cordi. After I took a nap, coach banged on the door and told me to get up and get back to work. Practicing was the best way to get my mind off what feels like the weight of the world.
Motocross and freestyle isn’t for the faint of heart, but something about it always appealed to this desire to seek the thrill of going as high and as far as physically possible. Timidness was beaten out of us by our father, but Mom still somehow managed to nurture what little was left in us. Being raised by an abusive father affected my brothers and me in different ways, but one common link remains. We crave the fear, the adrenaline, the possibility of being able to push too far and then seeing if it was far enough. I like to do handstands backward on a dirt bike twenty feet up in the air. Liam likes to free-climb El Capitan. Emerson likes to fight with his fists until someone’s either knocked out or killed. As we got older, Mom was worried about how isolated we were, so she encouraged us to try sports. I don’t think she intended for us to become professionals, but it all fell into place.
I’m on the Outlaw Racing International motocross team with three other men. We don’t just race each other in the dirt but also go full throttle up a curved ramp, throwing our weight to flip upside down. With only our hands on the handlebars, our legs fly behind the bike, having only seconds to get back into position before landing. We are daredevils. For me, seeking the adrenaline rush helps. It’s me and my bike. Nothing and no one else matters. I fly so high that I might just touch the sky, and that becomes my only goal in life. The burden of my last name lifts away, and I feel so light I might sprout wings.
“Got it,” I shout to Reece. He nods sternly, and I hit the throttle to go again.
The buzzing of the engine soothes my aching heart for a brief moment, and I don’t want it to stop. After veering to the right onto one of our travel ramps, I lift my body and throw my weight backward, and the bright blue sky becomes the only thing I see. I close my eyes for a second. In and out. Breathe.
My eyes spring open, and at the last second, I hold on to my handlebars as my tires touch the dirt before my next breath. I lose momentum and ride over a hill before skidding to a stop. Dirt kicks up around me, and my heart is pounding so hard all I can hear is blood rushing through my ears.
“I didn’t realize we were also practicing stunts, but that was a good—rock solid. You need to lift your legs a bit more before you let go, though. Otherwise, you would have lost points,“ Reece says.
I pull my helmet off my head. The hot Arizona sun almost dries my sweaty head instantly. I glance over his shoulder at Cordelia, who is lying out on a sun chair under an umbrella, typing away on her computer. Her bright blue swimsuit reminds me of the blues and greens of the ocean. Her eyes do, too. They are the most beautiful ocean-blue eyes I have ever seen.
“Got it, coach.”
Coach Reece grunts and walks back towards his trailer. I stare at Cordelia for a little longer before doing a few more laps. Sweat soaks my shirt, and my feet are swimming in puddles in my boots by the time I’m done.
When I get off my bike, it feels like I’m still riding it, almost like getting your sea legs back. I rip off my shirt, trying to cool off and squeeze my water bottle into my mouth. I’m going to need another gallon so I don’t get dehydrated.
Cordelia is still in her chair, typing away, but she’s now wearing a big floppy hat to shade more of her tan skin from the sun.
“Hey,” I grunt in passing on my way to my trailer. I’m not in the mood to pretend I’m okay right now. The competition is tomorrow, and it’s time for rest.
“Really? That’s all I get?” she asks.
My feet halt, and my heart pounds in my chest. Did I mention Cordelia is like an adrenaline rush? I feel all the good things you should feel with someone when I’m around her.
“Sorry, Cordi, what are you up to?”
She snaps her laptop closed on her crossed legs and drops her sunglasses down her nose. Her eyes skate over my chest and down my torso to where my off-road pants hang off my hips. I stand still, letting her get her fill while I stare at her figure leaning against the chair. It’s this game we play called Look But Don’t Touch.
“Just working, daredevil. Where did you disappear to for a few days? I came to your trailer to see if you wanted to go out for a drink, but your bike was gone.”
I shrug and wipe the sweat off my chest with my shirt. “I had to go out for a bit…” I trail off.
She frowns, pursing her lips. I hate when she does that to me.
“Go out for a bit,” she repeats, pissed about something.
I squeeze water from my bottle into my mouth again, then brush the dribble off my mouth. “Yep,” I say and start walking towards my trailer.
“That was a good jump, by the way, but you should lift your legs a little quicker so your timing is better.”
“Thanks, coach,“ I say and throw in a wink.
Her cheeks turn pink, and she pushes her sunglasses back up her nose.
“No problem. Oh, and Kai?” she says sweetly. I turn around to face her. “Disappear again without saying a word, and I’ll have you running laps until you puke.”
I chuckle. “You got it. Oh, and Cordi?”
She hums. It makes goosebumps rise over my skin despite the heat.
“Take a picture. It’ll last longer. I’ll even pose for you.”
Her mouth drops open in shock, and I lift my water bottle, squeezing water into my mouth for longer than necessary.
“You’re playing with fire, daredevil,” she grumbles.
I drop my arm and look into her sunglasses-covered eyes. “I was born in it, gem.”
I turn and go back to my trailer because this got a little too real. The name just slipped out of my mouth, but she is like a gem. Rare, beautiful, and hard to break. Seeing her in that swimsuit makes me think about one of Mom’s Astor heirlooms. A blue diamond, extremely rare and utterly stunning. I would give it to her and more if I could. But I can’t.
Despite that, Cordelia Quinn is persistent and determined. She hasn’t gotten to me yet, but it’s only a matter of time. I’ve kept our romance away for years, but I love Cordi and I’ve never told her. But there will be a day when my love for her will win out over logic. So before that moment comes, I need to build up my resistance to my best friend because if I do give in, the consequences could be deadly.