Find Me : The Poison Ivy Series Book One

Chapter 20

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Iwake to Jax sleeping beside me, his arms wrapped around me tightly, as if he’s afraid to let go. My curtains are open, and I catch a glimpse of the night sky, the city lights dancing in the moonlight. I turn back to Jax, taking a moment to look at him as he sleeps, and realize I have never seen him look truly peaceful before this moment. Tattoos cover a lot of his body, but even beneath the ink I can see raised skin, evidence of once angry scars.

My eyes keep moving over his body, trying to make sense of the person in front of me. My gaze rests on each tattoo, trying to decipher any meaning behind them, and pauses on his hand. I smile at the rose inked there, remembering the first time I saw it, and how shocked I had been to see it again. My gaze moves up, fluttering over his muscled arms, broad shoulders, and the stubble that surrounds his perfectly delicious lips. Those lips. I could lose myself again just thinking of what those lips are capable of.

I look at his face, noticing a tendril of hair fallen out of place. I reach to brush it aside, my movements as slow as possible.

“You know it’s rude to stare, love,” he says lazily.

I jump, not expecting him to be awake, caught in the act ogling him in his sleep.

“You know it’s rude to scare people.” I shoot back quickly, hastily creating some distance between us.

Jax smiles, laughing quietly.

“I don’t remember falling asleep,” I confess quietly.

“Our activities certainly tired you out,” he responds, the smile in his voice audible. “I was only gone for a couple of minutes and when I came back you were dead to the world. I would have joined you sooner, but I had to deal with something.”

“A phone call?” I find myself asking.

“How did you…” He trails off, waiting for me to explain.

“I had a dream you were on the phone. Something about keeping someone alive. It was a weird dream, but vivid,” I say, shaking my head as I try to remember more.

Jax takes a deep breath, moving his hands behind his head.

“You weren’t dreaming, love,” he explains. “I was on the phone with Ryan—he’s been doing me a favor and I just needed to check in with him about something.”

I nod, about to let it go before remembering exactly what he said.

Just keep him alive until I can talk to him.

I bolt upright.

“What exactly was the call about, and why were you talking about keeping someone alive? What kind of business are you involved in Jax?” I interrogate as I hastily get out of bed.

“You know I can’t tell you what business I’m in, love, but it’s not what you think. I am simply righting some wrongs.”

“I’m not even going to pretend to know what that means, but if you’re hurting people…” I stammer. “You shouldn’t. That’s not… right.”

I’m stumbling over my words, trying to get all my thoughts out while also looking around my room for my clothes.

“Would it make any difference if it was Rhett?” Jax asks casually as I bend down to pick up my shirt.

I freeze. For a moment, I literally freeze, and so does the world around me. I spin towards him, the picture of innocence on his face.

“I must be hallucinating because I swear I just heard you imply you have done something to Rhett.”

“Well, technically I have done nothing… I’ve been here,” Jax says, feigning innocence once again. “But Ryan, on the other hand, can’t say the same.”

“I’m going to need a lot more information than that, Jax, and you know it.”

Jax pushes himself up onto his elbows, and the fact that he is so nonchalant when I am starting to seriously freak out is infuriating.

“First of all, who is Ryan and why is he keeping Rhett alive? Let’s start there,” I say, anger replacing any calm left in my voice.

“I told you I’d kill him, love,” he replies quietly, a promise of violence coating his words.

“You… You cannot kill him, Jax. You can’t kill anyone. I can’t…” I falter, not sure of what more to say, stunned that this is even a conversation we’re having, shocked that someone’s life hangs in the balance, and that Jax has that kind of power over people. I don’t know how to process this information, how to accept that the darkness others see in Jax is, in fact, true, when all I’ve been privy to is the soft and caring side of him. My heart starts to race, and my hands feel clammy as I try to make sense of all of this.

“Tell me, love, why can’t I kill him? Give me one good reason why I can’t end the man who almost ended your life. The one who hurt you, who left you bruised, and who left you to die in the cold. Give me one good reason. I’ll wait.” He growls.

I rack my brain for a reason, any reason, as to why Rhett should live. Everything Jax has said is true. Rhett, whether intentionally or otherwise, is the reason I am in this mess. Entering into the deal with Rhett was like shaking hands with the devil himself, and I knew it as well as anyone else that our deal, the loan of money, was never just that, but was rather a way for Rhett to exert his power over me and have me at his beck and call, asking how high he wanted me to jump when he said jump. But still, did he deserve to die for this?

“I can’t…” I start, taking a deep breath to keep the anger at bay. “I can’t be responsible for someone’s death, Jax. I couldn’t come back from that. There has been so much darkness in my life this year, so much. Please, don’t make me deal with more.” I all but beg.

“It wouldn’t be on you, love, it would be on me. You would have nothing to do with it.”

“But I would. I’m involved now, I know about it now, so there’s nothing you can do to him that I wouldn’t feel guilty for. The only reason you went after Rhett in the first place is because of me. So, it would fall on my shoulders Jax, and I cannot… I just can’t deal with any more this year.” The desperation in my voice is audible as I trail off.

Jax stares at me, a look of contemplation behind his eyes and something else I can’t read.

“Okay,” he says simply.

“Okay?”

He shrugs. “Okay, I won’t kill him.”

“As if these decisions are so easy? Just like that you’ve changed your mind?” I inquire, perplexed by his sudden change of heart as a tendril of relief grows within me.

“Yes, just like that. In case you haven’t noticed, you have me completely wrapped around your finger, and if you want something I will move mountains to give it to you.”

My breath catches, and despite everything, despite the nature of our conversation discussing Rhett, and my near overdose, and all of the other shit that happened this past year, I find a warmth spreading within me. A feeling that’s foreign to me spreads from my chest all the way to my fingertips, and in this moment, I feel truly seen and cared for. I wonder, not for the first time, how someone with such a tough exterior, someone who would quite literally kill for me, can evoke such warmth within me. Perhaps this makes me morally gray as well.

I smile at the thought.

“Penny for your thoughts, love?” he asks quietly.

“I’m just surprised by what I feel when I’m around you,” I say with a smile. “Because what I’m feeling right now is not how I should be feeling after you just told me you were going to kill someone.”

“Maybe what you’re feeling is how you should feel, but you’ve never been in a situation where you’re actually allowed to express yourself without being judged or ridiculed.”

I pause, taking in his words, and realizing they are true. I have never been able to be unconditionally me, to show my authentic self to others. Whether it be my family or Rhett, I am always putting on a mask, pretending to be someone I’m not in order to fit the mold my parents laid out for me, to fit into a life filled with yacht clubs and trust funds, knowing that I would be ostracized if I didn’t follow the path that was set out before me.

Jax relaxes back down on the bed, placing his hands behind his head again. He is the picture of calm, and my heartbeat quickens as I can’t help but appreciate his god-like body. The warm light from my room highlights his perfects muscles, leaving very little to my imagination.

I sigh, thinking about exactly what I want to do with him, and what I want him to do to me. Heat gathers inside of me, and my cheeks warm at the indecent thoughts as they swirl within me.

Jax stares at me, and I notice the length of him harden under my gaze, his thoughts apparently the same as mine.

“It’s just not fair, love,” he says with a grin, mischief lacing his words. “That I’m over here on this bed, all alone. Come join me.”

“It must be hard being you.” Sarcasm drips from my voice as I smile at him. But I move towards him anyway, unable to resist the magnetic pull I feel from his request.

I lay down beside him, resting my head on top of his chest, his body shifting towards me, his hands moving to caress my skin. Butterflies flutter in my stomach, a part of me still not used to being like this with him.

It is interesting and perplexing to see this side of him; the soft side that is reserved for, seemingly, just me. If I ever tell anyone what he is like behind closed doors with me, they’d probably never believe that such a ruthless person melts under my touch, cuddling me throughout the night. Hell, I can barely believe it, the conversation about Rhett still fresh in my mind.

“We have a lot to talk about,” I say hesitantly. “Like how you are in the business of seemingly kidnapping and murdering men.” I glance at him nervously, as a hint of fear courses through me, unsure if I’m treading on thin ice as I ask about his background in crime once again.

Jax, on the other hand, chuckles as if we are talking about the weather, and relief floods through me immediately.

“I’m not in the business of it, but sometimes it’s a necessity in my line of work. But in this case…” He takes a long breath, looking at me as his fingers trail lazily across my skin. “In this case, love, I will kill anyone who lays a finger on you.”

I look at him, getting lost in his emerald eyes, my body coming alive under his soft touch.

“We have lots to talk about,” he continues, “but right now, there’s something else on my mind.”

“I can see that,” I say, my gaze skirting over how hard he has become.

“You want to know what’s on my mind?” he asks, his fingers tracing circles on my skin, sending waves of heat toward my core.

“Mhmm,” I respond, unable to string words together under his touch.

“I want to tell you something I want from you… something I need,” he continues, his voice gravelly. “I need you to get up here and sit on my face.”

I suck in a breath.

“I have never…” I start, clearing my throat. “No one has ever asked me to do this before, I wouldn’t know what to do.” Embarrassment takes root within me as I confess my inexperience.

He smiles, flames of desire sparkling in his eyes. “You just get up here and sit, love. I’ll take care of the rest.” He purrs.

I do as he asks, shifting myself over him and straddling his head, my thighs brushing against the sides of his face. I hold onto the headboard for support, hovering over him ever so carefully.

His tongue lightly licks against me, sending shivers across my body.

He pauses, tilting his head up so he can speak freely.

“Love,” he starts, a twinkle in his eye.

“Am I doing it wrong?” I respond, trying hard to hide the hurt in my voice. “I’m doing it wrong aren’t I? Can you breathe okay? I’m sorry I just never… I’ve never…”

He cuts me off. “I told you to sit on my face, not to hover. So, with all due respect, shut the fuck up and sit.” He growls.

I flush at the command, letting him pull me onto him until his mouth is firmly against me, until there is no space left between us. His tongue moves expertly over me, licking parts of me I swore I didn’t know could be brought to life this way. I gasp as his tongue finds its way inside of me, drawing a primal moan from my mouth that is met with a growl of approval, a growl that reverberates throughout my entire being. I can’t help but tip my head back in pleasure as he absolutely devours me, my nerves alight with every expert stroke of his tongue. Release finds me quickly and I shatter with his mouth on me, my orgasm stealing the breath from my lungs.

As I try to catch my breath strong arms pull me back until he is able to sit up, looking me straight in the eyes.

“I want to make one thing extremely clear, love,” he says, licking his lips as if relishing the taste of me. “When it come to this, to you and me, you can never do anything wrong, it’s simply not possible.” Desire flickers behind his eyes.

I open my mouth to respond but before any words can make their way past my lips his mouth finds mine.

I start at the sudden advance but am quickly overcome by pleasure as his tongue claims my mouth once again. I can taste myself on him, and heat flickers within me in response.

As if he can feel my desire growing, he lets out a soft growl. He moves his hands around me, quickly flipping me back onto the bed so I’m underneath him, closing the space between our mouths and bodies instantly.

Thisis pure ecstasy.

I can feel the hard length of his cock against me as he grabs my wrists firmly, placing them above my head, pinning me down. His lips leave no piece of me untouched, and the way he worships my body has me arching my back into him, wanting more of everything he has to give me.

I feel his smile as his lips graze my neck.

“You want more, love?”

I moan in response, arching my back even further into him, showing him my answer instead of telling him.

He chuckles under his breath.

“You will be the end of me,” he whispers, before pulling away to grab another foil packet from my dresser, rolling it over his length before joining me on the bed again. His weight is comforting against me as he positions himself at my entrance, and I find myself practically panting for more.

“You want this?” He growls, looking into my eyes for confirmation before moving an inch further.

“I want all of you.” I moan beneath his gaze, wrapping my legs around his waist, trying to convey just how badly I need him right now, how badly I want to be at his mercy, and how much I trust him to do whatever he wants to me.

His mouth crashes against mine again, and I give into the ecstasy of this moment as he gives me everything I ask for, pushing himself into the hilt.

“You take me so well.” He rumbles in my ear, kissing and nipping at me, pausing as he allows me to adjust to him inside of me.

He shifts, moving himself even deeper. Just when I think I can’t take anymore of him he pulls back, before gently picking up a pace that has me moaning his name as my nails dig into his back and wishing this could last forever.

My heart races with excitement, and as his tempo increases, so do the intensity of my moans.

He presses into me with a force that sends shivers through my entire body, making me gasp for breath as our movements grow frantic, primal urges driving us forward.

He lets out a growl and thrusts into me powerfully and my world spins as I get lost in the intensity of it all, feeling a deep release that echoes his, making my entire body convulse.

He looks at me pensively as we catch our breath. “You know, I would die happy,” he muses.

“What?” I respond breathily as my breathing steadies.

“If I couldn’t breathe with you sitting on my face,” he continues, “I would die a very happy man.”

I can’t help but smile, as a blush takes over my face.

“I love it when you blush for me, love,” he says, his eyes flickering. “I love it almost as much as I love watching you take all of me like you just did.”

He pulls towards me, and his lips find my forehead, kissing me tenderly. I wonder if this is what it’s supposed to be like with men, if this is what I have been missing all this time. And it dawns on me that while he might be happy to die with me on top of him, I would be happy to die beside him.

We lay in bed entangled for hours, drifting off to sleep before drifting back together again. The rest of the night is a blur of skin and lips and hands and him. I give everything to him, and he gives me so much of himself in return. I didn’t know pleasure like this could exist, and as our bodies collide against each other again, I swear our souls do as well.

The night fades and the sun starts to rise before we finally find the willpower to leave my bed, getting dressed and making our way back to my kitchen, the discarded plates and coffee cups still there from yesterday.

I make quick work of washing the dishes as Jax makes another pot of coffee, the smell filling my apartment quickly before we sit together on my couch in silence, watching the sky change from gray to pink and orange as the sun rises over the city outside.

“I need to leave today to take care of some business.”

“You mean Rhett?” I ask accusingly.

“Yes, Rhett,” he says, the name sounding like poison on his lips. “I won’t kill him, love, but he’s going to experience some of the pain he caused you, and that is not up for debate.”

I sip my coffee anxiously, conflicting emotions swirling around me like a tornado, the damage only palpable to me. I know that I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s suffering, trying to convince myself that Jax’s plan goes against everything I stand for. But a darker, more sinister part of me wants Rhett to feel every drop of pain he caused me.

I take a sip of my coffee to ground myself, the hot liquid settling the storm of emotions inside of me.

“I can live with that. If you promise you won’t kill him or cause any… permanent… damage.” I try to negotiate.

“Promise, love.” Jax smiles. “And while I’m gone, Ryan will be here.”

“I don’t need a babysitter Jax,” I say, our recent conversation fresh in my mind.

“Debatable.” He smiles. “But in all seriousness, I know how men think, and I will not let there be any opportunity for one of Rhett’s friends to think they can come over here and get revenge for what has happened to him. People know he’s missing by now, and it’s only a matter of time before they connect the dots, or maybe they already have.”

I nod quietly. He has a point. I think to myself.

“Fine, Ryan can stay here just in case.” I cave, not willing to fight against something I know makes the most sense.

“You’ll like him, he’s like a Labrador,” Jax says absentmindedly.

“A Labrador?” I cock an eyebrow at him.

“Keep him fed and watered, tell him he’s a good boy, and he’ll be happy.” He smiles.

Jax looks at me, and a laugh escapes his mouth as he notices the look on my face.

“What?” he asks.

“I don’t know what I thought your friends would be like, but the word Labrador definitely isn’t something I expected.”

He smiles, and shrugs in response. “I surround myself with good people, love, we all just happen to have walked some interesting paths in life. Ryan is as happy-go-lucky as they come, but don’t mistake his pleasant demeanor with softness. He can be cold-blooded when he needs to, and if he reaches that point even I struggle to rein him in. He’s one of the most loyal people I know and has had my back since we were kids.”

So, Ryan has known Jax for a long time then, at least that would give us something to talk about.

“Ryan values what I value,” Jax continues, “so I have no doubt he’ll keep you safe while I’m not here.”

“And then you’ll be… releasing Rhett when you’re done?”

“If I must.” He chips back.

“And how do you know he won’t try anything stupid?” I ask, fear slowly rising to the surface.

“After the beating Ryan already gave him, and what I’m about to go do, he would be a very, very, stupid man to go anywhere near you again.”

I nod, tears welling in my eyes as the fear melts away at Jax’s desire to protect me, to keep me safe.

He leans into me. “Tell me, love, what’s upsetting you?”

“I’m just not used to anyone being like this with me… No one has ever gone out of their way to look after me, and it feels… nice.” I wipe away a tear as it runs down my cheek.

“Like I said, you have me wrapped around your finger and I will always be here for you.” He vows.

We finish our coffees quietly, the sun now bright in the morning sky.

“There is one thing we need to discuss before I leave,” Jax starts tentatively.

“What is it?” I question, unsure of what’s on his mind.

“I need your supply,” he says quietly.

“You need my supply?” I repeat back stupidly.

“The drugs. I’m not leaving anything in this house with you after what happened the other night. So, you can flush them yourself or hand them over to me, but they’re not spending another minute with you here.”

“How do you know I have any…” I start.

“Because I can put two and two together. And based on how far gone you have been every time I saw you, my guess is you were taking more than just the occasional bump on nights out.”

Shit.He was right. I had collected quite the stash since accepting drugs from Rhett. Little baggies of weed, coke, and other drugs now littered throughout my apartment, hidden in sock drawers and Tupperware containers, where I could be sure no one would stumble across them accidentally.

“Fine,” I say, unable to hide the hint of acid in my voice. “You can have them, it’s not like I need them anyway. I’m putting that all behind me, remember, it was just a stupid, stupid mistake.” I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince more, myself or Jax.

I shift off the couch, putting my coffee mug down on the kitchen table before walking up the stairs to my bedroom, the floor now warm under the sun’s heat. I open my drawers, pulling out the baggies hidden there, little pills and white powder staring at me from the palm of my hand as a familiar ache fills my body, a desire for something that Jax cannot give me: the ability to turn off my emotions.

I head back downstairs shaking the thoughts from my head, as I retrieve the rest of the baggies from the kitchen.

I hand them over to Jax, embarrassed by the sheer amount of drugs hidden throughout my apartment.

“Jesus Christ, love, I didn’t think you were also selling them,” he says.

“I wasn’t… I’m not,” I retort quietly. “This would last me a few weeks.”

Jax runs a hand through his hair as shame lingers in the air around me.

“This is a lot worse than I thought it was,” Jax murmurs, concerned. “You sure you’re okay, love?”

I laugh, but it feels forced. “I’m completely fine, it was just a mistake. It’s not like I’m an addict or anything.” I just use them when feeling gets too hard, I add silently.

“Take them, flush them, do whatever you want with them, I don’t need it,” I say bluntly.

“Okay,” Jax says, eyeing me closely before kissing me on the forehead as he pockets the drugs.

A knock sounds on the front door, prompting Jax to step away from me.

“That would be Ryan,” Jax says as he opens the door, ushering Ryan inside.

Ryan could have been related to Jax; they look strikingly similar to each other, with dark hair, a muscled frame, and tattoos everywhere. But where Jax had mastered a glowering look, Ryan did, in fact, remind me of a Labrador. His face is welcoming, his eyes kind and soft, and it makes me question if Jax was telling the truth about what Ryan becomes when he’s mad.

“Ryan, meet Evi, Evi, meet Ryan,” Jax says by way of introduction. Ryan tips his head in my direction.

“I should be back later tonight, and Ryan will be here until then.”

Ryan nods silently in confirmation, watching Jax as he goes to walk out the door.

It’s only at the last second that Jax pauses, spinning on his heel and walking back to me, his stride closing the gap between us quickly.

He plants a kiss on my forehead. “Try to stay out of trouble, love.” He winks, before turning his back on us and walking out the door.

“Don’t let anything happen while I’m gone Ryan,” he says over his shoulder as he retreats down the stairs and out the front door of my building.

A part of me aches as he leaves, and I feel a familiar pull to follow him. But this time, I’m not sure if the pull draws me back to Jax, or what he has in his pockets.

Ryan’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

“Well that explains what all the fuss is about,” he says quietly, before kicking off his shoes and walking over to my couch. He sits down, making himself comfortable as he spreads out, taking up more space than the average person.

“Sure, make yourself at home,” I say, the sarcasm obvious in my tone.

Ryan just smiles, not at all phased. “Well, if I’m going to be here all day, I may as well be comfortable.”

I nod absentmindedly as I approach Ryan slowly, coming to a stop a few feet away from him, unsure of what to make of him.

“What did you mean when you said that explains what all the fuss is about?” I ask quizzically, crossing my arms in front of me.

“You two,” he says with a shrug, his smile relaxed.

“Please tell me you aren’t going to make me dig for information like Jax does, or it’s going to be a long day together,” I respond, shifting my weight.

He gives a hearty laugh.

“Yeah, Jax can be a little cagey when it comes to divulging the finer details, especially if he doesn’t know someone or wants to keep them out of trouble.” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“And what I meant before… how you two interact… it explains why he’s going to so much trouble for you.”

“You can’t possibly tell that by seeing us together for a couple seconds.” I chirp back. The tension in my body slowly begins to unravel as I realize he’s not as intimidating as he looks.

“I’ve known Jax for a long time, and I’ve seen him with a lot of women—people,” he corrects quickly, “and I have never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you, or kiss anyone like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like he genuinely cares.”

“Oh,” I say, lost for words.

“Plus, this place reeks of sex, so I know you’ve got it bad for each other.” He laughs as my face goes red from embarrassment.

“Well, I’m just going to go sink into the floor over here,” I say, mortified, walking away from him and into the kitchen.

I open the fridge to see what we have for food, surprised to see it filled with fresh produce.

Jax must have ordered groceries for me while I was sleeping.My heart swells at the idea of being so taken care of.

Despite the full fridge, nothing grabs my interest. So instead, I grab a bag of popcorn from a cupboard, raising it in my hand as I look at Ryan across the room.

“I don’t love cooking,” I admit shyly. “Are you cool with popcorn and coffee?”

“Yeah, I’m easy,” Ryan says wholeheartedly, and I get the impression he isn’t fazed by much. He looks at home already, turning on the TV and assessing the room around him.

A few moments later the smell of coffee fills the apartment as popcorn cooks noisily in the microwave. I carefully hand Ryan his coffee, the hot liquid filled dangerously close to the brim, before going back to the kitchen to grab the popcorn, emptying the bag into a bright red bowl.

When I get back to the couch Ryan has some indie movie playing on the TV.

“You surprise me,” I say, assessing him.

“How so?”

“Well, Jax said you’re kind but a little unhinged.”

Ryan almost spits out his coffee, choking back a laugh that rattles his whole body.

“Did he now? I’d love to know what else he’s said about me.” He raises an eyebrow, amusement dancing behind his eyes.

“He said you’re basically a dog. Specifically like a Labrador,” I say.

An ear-to-ear smile crosses his face. “It’s nice to know how my friend talks about me behind closed doors.” He laughs. “But he’s probably not wrong.”

I sit down beside him, placing the popcorn between us. While his relaxed demeanor and big smile is reassuring, I’m still a little on edge with someone I don’t know sitting beside me.

We watch the movie in silence, and I’m careful to grab a handful of popcorn only when his hand is not also reaching for the bowl.

I wait for a lull in the movie before starting to talk.

“He said you’ve known him for a long time, and you’d do anything for him.” Not a question, but I’m curious what Ryan will say.

Ryan nods. “I’ve known him almost my whole life.”

“So why are you a little… unbalanced?” I probe with a smile.

He snorts, contemplating my question before answering.

“I guess there’s no line I wouldn’t cross to help Jax, or anyone I care about. And when it gets to the point where I feel like I need to do something, to stand up for someone, I guess I go all in,” he says thoughtfully.

I nod before asking more questions, all of which Ryan answers easily.

“And how did you guys meet?” I ask finally.

“In foster care,” Ryan says blatantly.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. I don’t know what I was expecting to get out of this conversation, but Ryan jumping straight in and divulging everything is definitely not what I thought was going to happen.

“Shit, maybe I shouldn’t be saying all this if he hasn’t told you himself,” Ryan muses, “but yeah, foster care. We were probably eight and ten years old? I had been with this family for a while before Jax showed up. He had been bounced around the system a fair bit after his mom died. With his family being the way they were there was no chance they were going to get approved for custody. So, he got put into the system pretty quickly.”

I try to ignore the sound of the movie still playing on the TV, not wanting to miss anything Ryan is telling me.

“I think people were trying to distance him from that lifestyle, not realizing that they were taking him away from people who actually cared about him, who would have loved him regardless of what the family business was. So instead, they threw him to the wolves, whether accidentally or not.” Ryan continues, “He had really bad luck with the families who took him. They were the worst of the worst, and I’m not exaggerating when I say no one could believe their eyes when Jax showed up to our house that morning. He was black and blue, covered in bruises and scars. He had been through it. And I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was so easygoing, but we hit it off right away and have been inseparable since.”

“And why did—” I start before Ryan cuts me off.

“That’s all I will say about that,” he says. “You should probably ask Jax about it if you want any more details. It’s just not my story to tell, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that.” I pause, reaching for my coffee and taking another sip, not sure of what to say in response, my heart aching at the thought of Jax experiencing such abuse so young.

I look Ryan in the eyes and a unique shade of golden-brown stares back at me.

“I’m sorry you went through that. It mustn’t have been easy growing up in the system.”

“It wasn’t, but we both made it out okay. Jax saved me more than once and, as soon as we both turned eighteen, we left and made our way back to his family. He gave me a job, a place to live, and it’s been that way since.”

He smiles, grabbing another handful of popcorn and chewing loudly. “But that’s enough about me. Tell me more about you… I want to know the person who has Jax so beguiled.”

“Beguiled?”

“Beguiled,” he repeats with a smile. “It’s a nice word.”

“It’s something alright,” I say, as the sound of his laugh fills my apartment.

“There must be a reason Jax melts around you. Trust me when I say you see a very different side of him than most people do. It makes me wonder if that’s what he was like before all those years of foster care… easy going and content.”

“I don’t think there’s much to tell about me. I grew up with everything, made some really stupid choices, and here I am now. That’s the condensed version anyway.” I smile.

“Not all of your choices must have been stupid if you ended up on a couch with me.” He winks and I can’t help but laugh. “But seriously, what’s the actual story?”

I realize that I’m starting to feel more comfortable around him, his laid-back personality seemingly contagious. And just like Jax, he has the ability to make me comfortable enough to share my entire life story. I sigh.

“I grew up with everything I ever wanted, but not the things I needed. I felt invisible and unwelcome in my own home. My entire life had been planned out for me, from who I should date, which schools I’d attend, and what career path I’d take. On the outside, I was the picture-perfect heir to my family’s legacy, but on the inside, I was screaming. I had no say in anything I did, and I had no one who genuinely cared about me, except perhaps my brother, Garrett.”

Ryan listens quietly, sipping his coffee and nodding occasionally.

“I just wanted to taste what freedom was like. To feel what it was like to make my own choices, make my own friends, choose who I wanted to date, and feel what it was like to be truly happy with what I was doing. So, I dropped out of school to pursue art, met a guy—”

“Rhett,” Ryan interjects.

“Rhett,” I confirm. “And we all know how that turned out. I borrowed some money from him, and one thing led to another, and I started spiraling. While I didn’t expect anyone to rescue me from my own choices, I would have thought someone I had given everything to would have at least offered me a hand when I fell. But here we are.”

“Here we are,” Ryan repeats.

“So right now I’m just surviving and trying to figure out what I want my life to look like.”

“There’s one silver lining to all of this,” Ryan says with a smile.

I raised an eyebrow in response, waiting for him to continue.

“You’ve got Jax and I on your side now. And we’re a pretty good pair to have around,” he says.

“Like I said,” I continue, “I’ve made a lot of bad choices, but I’m not sure which one landed me here.” I joke with a smile, as he tosses a handful of popcorn at me in jest.

“Oh, so now we’re throwing food.” I laugh. “Real mature.”

The rest of the afternoon continues in a similar way. We watch movies, talk, and get to know each other, and it doesn’t take long before I decide it’s impossible not to like Ryan.

By the time the sky darkens and the moon hovers above the city, I’m feeling exhausted by this week’s events. A sweat has broken out over my forehead and my hands are trembling despite how hard I grip them in my lap. I can no longer focus on the movie in front of me, an old black and white film. With the exhaustion, I find my mind wandering, unable to block out everything I had been through, and the emotions start to trickle back. I try desperately to push them out of my head, to not let the feelings take over, knowing I’m not ready to reexperience everything again. A need begins to grow inside of me, one that I know can’t be satiated by anything in my apartment now. A part of me hates that the first thing I want to do when these uncomfortable feelings arise is to numb them immediately.

A warm hand grips mine as Ryan leans towards me.

“When was the last time you went this long without something in your system?” he asks, not unkindly.

I look at him, searching for anything behind his eyes, but all I find is kindness.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly, realizing it’s been a long time since I even gave myself the opportunity to truly experience my emotions.

“I’m getting the feeling you left a fair bit out of the story you told me earlier,” he responds, while still steadying my hands. “I’ll get you an ice water and a cold washcloth.”

He goes and does just that, not needing my help to find things as he rummages through my cupboards to get what he needs and is back beside me within minutes.

I didn’t realize how good cold could feel as the water washes down my throat and the cloth presses against the nape of my neck.

“I may have almost overdosed a few nights ago. Rhett left me instead of helping me,” I confess quietly, surprised that Jax hadn’t told Ryan yet.

“Ah,” Ryan says, as if finding a missing piece to the puzzle he was trying to put together. “Well, now I know why Jax was adamant about killing someone I had never heard of. It’s starting to make sense.”

Ryan sits down on the couch next to me again as he watches me closely, and a sympathetic look crosses his face.

“You just have to get through the next few days, Evi,” he says encouragingly. “Give yourself time to start dealing with this and wait for the sweats and trembles to subside. I can’t say you’ll never crave doing it again, I’m sure you will, but at least you won’t feel as physically sick.”

I nod, not sure what else to say, and not wanting to let on how badly I am craving it now. While I couldn’t care less about the physical sensations taking over my body, knowing I can ride them out just like a hangover, the thought of having to deal with all my emotions resurfacing terrifies me.

I lay on the couch for the rest of the evening, drifting in and out of sleep as Ryan hovers over me, refilling my water as needed. Eventually he must have sat down as I wake up with my feet on his lap, watching him subconsciously rub them as his eyes remain glued to the TV until sleep finds me again.

I don’t know how long we stay like this for, but the sound of heavy footsteps and the click of my front door is enough to pull me from my sleep.

“Well, don’t you two look comfortable.” I open my eyes at the sound of Jax’s voice.

Ryan nods at Jax before looking back at the TV, seemingly intent watching whatever is happening.

Jax kneels beside me, concern behind his eyes.

“How are you feeling, love? Ryan mentioned you’re a little off.”

My gaze darts to Ryan, who gives an apologetic shrug.

“I’m feeling okay, a little nauseous and shaky, and hot. I feel really hot, but I’ll survive.” I don’t mention what I’m thinking, focusing only on what I’m feeling physically.

Jax nods and it’s only when he starts to stand up that I notice a streak of blood smeared across his neck.

“What the fuck Jax, are you okay?” I look pointedly at him, as panic surges within me.

He looks at me in confusion before noticing what I’m looking at, bringing a hand to the side of his neck.

Blood sticks to his fingertips as he pulls them away from his neck. “I must have missed it when I was cleaning off afterwards, but not to worry, love, it’s not mine.”

“You didn’t…” I couldn’t say the words out loud, worried about the answer I might be met with “Is he still—”

“Alive?” Jax cuts in. “Yes, love, I gave you my word. He is alive and free to go crawl back to whatever hole he crawled out of. He’s probably seen better days, but he’ll be fine. As of now, your debt to him is paid and he has a very clear idea of what will happen to him if he ever sets foot near you again.”

Relief sweeps over me at the knowledge that Rhett is alive, and I’m not responsible for his death. I almost find it too good to be true, that Jax managed to keep his word while still ensuring that Rhett will not bother me again.

I nod in acknowledgement as my mind starts to race, and I can’t help but feel touched as I think about the lengths Jax has gone to in order to keep me safe.

“Thank you,” I say, hoping he knows just how appreciative I am.

“You never need to thank me, especially for something I got a lot of enjoyment out of.”

“Okay, Mr. Morally Gray.” I shoot back, rolling my eyes teasingly.

Ryan snorts from his side of the couch before catching Jax glaring at him.

“Well, that’s my cue to leave.” He stands up and makes his way towards the front door where he puts his shoes back on. “Let me know if you guys need anything… though I have a feeling I won’t hear much from either of you until tomorrow morning.” He adds an unnecessary wink as he lets himself out, and I smile as the door closes shut with a heavy thud.

“I like him,” I tell Jax honestly.

“I can see that,” he replies with a wry smile. “He’s easy to like.”

“I don’t know what I was expecting your right-hand man to be like, but it’s not this.”

Jax doesn’t say anything as he looks at me for a moment.

“Well, love, while I would hate for Ryan to be wrong about how we spend the next few hours, I think we should get you in the shower and into bed,” he says quietly before holding his hand out to me.

I take it, immediately feeling secure as his hand tightens around mine, following him as he guides me upstairs to the bathroom.

He turns the shower on, and as the mirror becomes clouded with fog, he lifts me onto the counter.

“Lift your arms up,” he demands, lifting my sweater over my head.

His lips meet mine as he drops the sweater onto the floor, pressing his body against me. The heat from his chest meeting mine is intense, and my breath quickens.

I instinctively hook my legs around his waist, wanting him to be as close to me as possible.

“Easy, love,” he says thickly, a grin on his face. “You need to get some rest.”

“I think I need you,” I counter, wanting—needing—a distraction from everything around me. “Come on Jax, give me something to help me feel better,” I say playfully, pushing down everything that threatens to overwhelm me. The look he gives me in return is nothing short of primal.

The visibility in the room diminishes as the steam thickens, our bodies quickly becoming wet from the moisture in the air. Jax reaches for me, gently taking the elastic out my hair, and letting my waves fall free.

“You are spectacular,” he whispers in my ear, barely loud enough to be heard over the sound of the running water.

He grabs my hair at the base of my head, and a yelp of pleasure escapes me as he tilts my head back, giving him unrestrained access to my neck. His lips and teeth graze against my skin, leaving no inch untouched.

He pulls away, letting go of my hair and hooking his thumbs onto the waist of my pants. I lift my hips up, helping him as he pulls them down, followed by my underwear. Leaving both discarded on the ground.

“You sure about this?” He checks, concern lacing his words.

“Do your worst, Mr. Turner,” I say, craving him, craving something to help keep myself focused on the present, distracted from everything except him.

“Fuck, love, I can’t wait to get my mouth on you.” He growls.

He gets on his knees and heat gathers at my core. My body writhes in anticipation as he spreads my legs in front of him, looking me in the eyes as he brings his lips onto me. I can feel his breath on me, tantalizingly close to my core, and just as I am about to move, his mouth collides with me.

Bliss finds me in an instant, and I run my hand through his hair, amazed at how easily he is able to undo me.

He lifts away for a heartbeat. “Fuck you are so wet already.” He growls, before burying his head between my thighs once again.

I moan as he devours every inch of me, as if he’s starving and I’m the only meal that can satiate his appetite. He licks, sucks, and nips, until I unravel in his mouth, my body shaking and my muscles taut with pleasure. The steam continues to fill the room, the heat and humidity intensifying with every touch, every kiss.

“Enough,” I whisper, my breath ragged. He looks up at me, the blood that was smeared on his neck now on my inner thighs. His eyes dark and hungry, I can see nothing but lust and desire within him.

He stands up, his body glistening from the steam, and helps me down from the countertop, leading me towards the shower as he deftly undresses as he walks.

The hot water cascades over us, providing no relief from the heat within me as we press against each other, our bodies slick from the water. His hands roam over me, exploring every curve and inch of my skin.

My fingers tangle in his hair, tugging him closer, wanting more. He grabs the soap, lathering it in his hands before gently massaging my skin, starting at my shoulders before slowly moving down my front, not stopping until he reaches my hips.

His touch is firm yet gentle, his fingers teasing and investigating every part of me. I can feel the desire building within me, the need for him to take me, to make me his completely. He pulls us both under the spray of the water and slowly rinses the soap off me, his hands leaving no inch of me untouched.

“Turn around,” he demands, his voice low and gravelly. I do as he instructs, feeling his hands travel down my back and over my ass. He squeezes me firmly, leaving no doubt about his intentions as I feel his hardness against me. I moan in pleasure, needing him inside of me. His arm wraps around me, caressing my breasts, as the other finds its way between my thighs, stroking me until I am ready to beg for more. I can feel him smile at my response to his touch and he puts his head beside mine, whispering in my ear.

“Tell me to stop, love, and I will. Tell me you’re tired and I’ll happily take you to bed. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”

I turn my head towards him, getting lost in those green eyes all over again. “I want you to make me forget my name,” I whisper heatedly.

He growls in response and time seems to freeze as our bodies press against each other, the anticipation between us reaching a peak. His hands tighten around my hips, a possessive grip that send shivers down my spine. I can feel his desire radiating through him, matching the heat that surges within me.

“I don’t have anything, love…” he says, and I know what he’s referencing. I turn my head towards him.

“I don’t care. I don’t care, I want all of you, right now,” I beg.

“Thank god.” He groans against my ear.

He enters me slowly, inch by delicious inch. And I moan at the feel of him, bare inside of me.

“You are mine, love.” He growls, as a gasp escapes my lips and pleasure ripples through every fiber of my being. “Every single inch of you is mine.”

“Say it to me,” he demands, his breathing ragged as he withdraws only to push inside of me again, his strokes slow and deliberate.

“I am yours. Every inch of me is yours.” I pant, and I realize I actually mean the words as they spill from my lips.

The sensation of him inside of me is electrifying, silencing everything in my mind except a primal need for him.

We move together, his strokes raw and intense, each thrust propelling me further into ecstasy.

“Come for me,” he demands, his pace quickening.

His arm wraps around me, his fingers finding the bundle of nerves at my apex, and I struggle to stay standing as I shatter around him, wave after wave of my orgasm almost knocking me to the ground. Strong arms keep me upright, and he finds his release quickly. My core pulses as he comes inside of me, aching for everything he can give me.

He kisses my back, the touch sending a jolt of electricity through me, and I feel him ease out of me gently.

I turn around to face him, his green eyes piercing through the steam that hangs low in the air around us.

“You are fucking incredible,” he says between pants, a smile filled with desire crossing his lips again. “But one question, love… what’s your name?”

I blush, jokingly smacking him on the chest before leaning into him, as his arms wrapped around me.

“Turn around, I want to wash your hair,” he says and does just that. Switching from erotic and demanding to gentle and loving in seconds, worshipping my body and caring for me as if I am the oxygen he needs to breathe. He takes the shampoo and gently massages it into my hair, and I relax back into his touch. We stay like this until the water runs cold, his hands never leaving my body as we let the water wash over us.

I shiver, the heat from his body no longer enough to keep me warm, and quickly rinse off. Jax turns off the water, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel, wrapping it around me snugly before kissing me, his lips brushing mine gently.

We make our way back to the bed, naked except for the towels around us, before climbing under the duvet. My thoughts wander as his body heat warms me, the water on my skin starting to dry. Within minutes, my breathing quickens and my palms become clammy, the emotions I’m holding at bay threatening to resurface the second I let myself relax without his touch as a distraction. A few seconds later, I feel the ache for something more returning, a pull at the back of my mind trying to take hold of me.

Jax rests a hand on my chest, familiar fingers brushing my skin lightly.

“Tell me a story, love.”

“A story? About what?” I question.

“About you. Tell me what it was like to be you growing up.”

I move my head to his chest, and his arm wraps around me. His hand now lazily stroking my stomach as I stare absentmindedly at him.

This.

Us.

Whatever this is between us has caught me completely off guard, and I’ve never felt it from anyone else before. I don’t know what this is, what we are, yet I know it’s something profound. Something about him that just makes me feel whole. He’s the perfect combination of hard and soft, violent and protective. And maybe a little possessive too.

He’s made it very clear that I am his, and I’m okay with his newfound claim on me.

I turn to Jax, not sure of what to tell him a story about, and as I move, the duvet slips off of me, my skin bare against the cool air. He quickly repositions it, making sure I’m tucked in snuggly. I am cozy, warm, and feel safe, and for a moment I’m reminded of the unicorn duvet I had in my room as a kid, the one I spent many hours under, hiding from the world around me.

“I can practically hear you thinking, love.” His voice startles me from my thoughts, bringing me back to the present moment with my hand tracing the curves of his abs.

My hand trails lower, and he lets out a sigh as I get dangerously close to his naked length.

“Keep doing that and in a second you’ll be too occupied to think.” He threatens lightheartedly.

I look up at him and smile, always shocked by the depth and fire staring back at me.

“I was thinking about unicorns,” I say smiling.

“Unicorns?” he repeats back at me, and I can’t help but smile.

“Unicorns,” I say, now outright grinning at his confusion.

“You are always so unexpected, love,” he muses. “Why unicorns?”

“I was thinking about home—my parents’ home—” I quickly correct myself, “and how my bedroom always felt like home even though my parent’s house didn’t.”

“And this relates to unicorns how?” he inquires, and I can hear the smile in his tone.

“I had a unicorn duvet when I was little. I was so proud of myself for decorating my own room, so naturally everything was bright and colorful, especially when I went through a unicorn phase. My family teased me all the time about it, joking that the colors were blinding them, but my parents hated it most of all, saying it was gaudy and clashed with the rest of the house.”

“Hard to picture your parents disapproving of anything you do,” he jokes, and I smile, my head still resting on his chest and my hand still tracing along his stomach.

“Oh, not just my parents though, my brothers, their friends, literally anyone who saw it made a point to make fun of me, but I refused to get rid of that duvet. It was still there last year when I visited.”

“Are you telling me you had your brother’s friends in your bedroom, love? Boys? How scandalous,” he jokes, and I can hear the grin on his face.

“That’s your takeaway from all this?” I huff a laugh.

“The idea of you having other men in your room makes me want to do bad, bad things to them.” He chuckles, shaking his head.

“Oh, settle down.” I laugh. “It’s not like I had a revolving door into my room, there was only one guy,” I say lightly, the fondness of the memory returning.

“Alright, love,” he says, “you’ve piqued my interest so I’m going to have to hear the story behind this.”

“Oh, it’s nothing really. One of my brother Garrett’s friends—Royce—was interested in me and I had a crush on him since the moment I met him. He was so hot and was always making me laugh and feel special.”

I look up to see Jax watching me intently, his hand still tracing patterns in my skin.

“Anyway, Garrett used to come home on weekends during his first year at Harvard, and some weekends he’d bring all of his friends home with him too. It’s hard to believe but our house would resemble a frat at times, with all of guys staying over, spending the weekend playing video games and causing mischief in our town, or playing pranks on the help. It started one weekend when I was in the kitchen raiding the pantry and his friend came in and just started talking to me. And honestly, it was the first time I felt seen in my home. No one in my family really took time to talk to me but suddenly here was this guy, from Harvard no less, choosing me over his friends. He would ask me questions about myself, compliment me, and was just nice to be around. I wasn’t used to the attention, so naturally my crush on him doubled in intensity overnight.”

“The things I would do to those who can’t see how amazing you are…” Jax starts.

“Down boy,” I say jokingly, patting his chest in a halfhearted reprimand. “Do you want me to continue my story or not?” I ask.

“Please continue,” he says with a wide smile.

“My first kiss was in the kitchen a few weeks later. The group of them had come back home after watching some football game and I remember him striding into the kitchen to let me know his team won. But instead of leaving he walked closer to me until we were inches apart, and then he just pulled me in for a kiss. I was shocked. And totally head over heels. I didn’t even know what to make of it, and I definitely didn’t know what I was doing. He even said that as he pulled back, ‘Never been kissed before, Evangeline?’ I blushed so hard and hightailed it back to my room, refusing to be seen by them for the rest of the weekend.” I laugh at the memory.

“I can’t imagine you not knowing how to use that perfect mouth of yours,” he starts, one of his fingers trailing over my lips lightly. “But that still doesn’t tell me how he ended up in your bedroom looking at your unicorn duvet,” he says, a clear indication he wants me to continue with the story I’ve been rattling on with.

“Well, I guess he knew I’d been avoiding him.”

“Or he wanted to kiss you again,” Jax interrupts.

“Or that too,” I agree. “Anyway, they all came back the following weekend, so I spent all my energy trying to avoid them. I was holed up in my room one night, painting into the early hours of the morning, and I hear my door open… I was so surprised to see him standing there… He had never been brazen enough to come to my room before, I assume because the last thing he wanted was for the guys to find out he was talking to me, Garrett’s kid sister. If Garrett ever found out he kissed me, he would have beaten the absolute shit out of him.”

“As any good brother would…” Jax comments.

I give him a small smile and take a breath.

“I asked him what he was doing in my room in the middle of the night and where Garrett and the other guys were. Apparently, they had all gone to bed and he wanted to come apologize about the kiss. He seemed genuine, saying he realized from my reaction I probably found his comment rude. I didn’t really know what to say, and I didn’t want to say anything to make him think I didn’t like him anymore… He was my crush after all. So, I accepted his apology, and admitted he was right, how it was my first kiss, and I was surprised.” I chuckle. “I remember telling him that next time he kisses me, he should avoid storming towards me and at least give me a heads up so I could have time to prepare myself.”

“Next time?” Jax asks. “Always so bold, love.” He smiles as his fingers keep tracing my skin, the sensation comforting.

I laugh. “That’s exactly what Royce said. I was mortified as I realized what I had just insinuated, trying to cover my tracks, trying not to let him see how much I actually liked him. And then he just stood there for a bit as we talked, him standing just inside my doorway and me glued to the wall on the other side of the room. I can’t even remember what we spoke about, but it was light and flirty, and it sent butterflies soaring in my stomach. And then he noticed the unicorn duvet.” I smile before continuing. “He sounded just like Garrett, teasing me for it, letting me know that it was a little childish to be in a unicorn phase, but twelve-year-old-me didn’t care; I loved unicorns, and loved everything about the rainbow of colors in my room, but I also wanted to impress him, so I agreed with him, telling him I didn’t like it and wanted a new one. I remember my heart pounding in my chest during this whole conversation; I had never flirted before, and here I was, navigating this new territory not sure what I was doing. But when he started walking towards me, that’s when I thought my heart would actually stop; the excitement, trepidation, and butterflies becoming so intense I couldn’t bear it. I had never been this close to him, besides when he kissed me, and I felt so awkward as I looked at him, waiting for him to speak and hoping that I didn’t say anything stupid.”

My lips move towards Jax, kissing him on the chest before I continue talking, and he gives a breathy sigh in response.

“He then asked me if I wanted to learn, and I was so confused, not knowing what exactly he was asking. I don’t know what I said in response, but it was enough for him to laugh. ‘Kissing, Evangeline, I could teach you,’ he said, and I suddenly forgot how to string two words together. My crush was literally asking me if he could kiss me… I was practically swooning at this point.” I laugh. “I remember being so nervous, literally jumping as he reached towards me, his fingers playing with the collar of my pajamas. And then he kissed me. But this one was different than the last one, not nearly as rushed or tentative, probably because he wasn’t worried about anyone walking in unexpectedly.”

Jax is quiet as I continue.

“We kept kissing for a while before he started steering me back towards my bed, and I remember everything feeling so surreal, like there was too much going on that I didn’t even know how I should be feeling or what I should be thinking. It wasn’t long before clothes came off and we were under my unicorn duvet together, and I became vividly aware of what happens in all the romance movies when they fade to black.” I smile, looking at Jax.

“Were you happy, love?” he asks me sincerely, the possessiveness in his voice replaced with care.

“As much as I wish my first time wasn’t so cliché, it wasn’t bad. He was kind and gentle and it wasn’t as awkward as a lot of the experiences my friends have. Though part of me wishes I had waited until I had more firsts first… if that makes sense.” I muse, mainly to myself.

We lay in the silence together, me lost in my memories and Jax still rubbing his hand across my body, my head resting on his chest.

I feel him tense underneath me, and I can hear his heartbeat growing louder and faster.

“Twelve?” he asks quietly.

“Hmm?”

“You said twelve,” he accuses. “Twelve-year-old-you didn’t care that he thought your love of unicorns was childish…” He trails off.

His hand pauses against my skin, as if the tension building in his body is taking all of his focus.

“Yes…” I start, not sure where this is headed.

“And he was in his first year of Harvard, visiting on the weekends, making him what, eighteen? Nineteen?”

Confusion crosses my face. “Yeah, something like that. What are you getting at Jax?”

“You were a child, love,” he says in a deadly whisper.

“It wasn’t like that…” I start, knowing exactly what he’s insinuating now.

“It was exactly like that.” He counters.

“No, you weren’t there. It wasn’t wrong like that. It’s not like he pressured me or anything… it was completely consensual. We were just messing around together and having fun, we were just kids after all.” My eyes search his, trying to decipher what he’s feeling.

“No, love,” he starts, “you were not just kids messing around. You were a kid. He was not.”

“Jax,” I start.

“They have a name for that you know, and it’s not ‘just two kids messing around’ when one of you is a child and the other is an adult,” he says bluntly.

I don’t know why but frustration starts to build inside of me, and I feel myself tensing at his words. Anger grows at the idea of this one good memory being taken away from me, twisted it into something unpalatable. I’m not naive, and even then I was fully aware that this wasn’t going to be like the romance movies, we weren’t going to start dating or ride into the sunset together. I took it for what it was, me spending time and experiencing new things with my crush, someone I cared about and someone who cared about me. And sure, it wasn’t perfect, but I doubt anyone’s first time really is, but it was special to me and now he’s insinuating… I can’t even bring myself to say it.

I push up, moving off of him as I get out of the bed, quickly finding clothes as the cold air nips at my naked skin, my hands rushing for some unknown reason.

“I need some fresh air,” I say, distractedly, “I’m going for a walk, and I just need you to not be here when I get back.”

Jax pulls himself off the bed, much more gracefully than me, before stalking towards me, a level of anger in his eyes I don’t recognize.

He gently grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting my head up so I’m looking at him in the eyes. God, he’s beautiful.

It’s hard to ignore his naked body in front of me, and even though I’m angry I can feel myself wanting to reach out and touch him, running my hands over the length of his body.

“Remember when I told you I would never let anyone hurt you if we were together?” He growls.

“Yes,” I respond, “but this was years ago Jax, and like I said, he didn’t hurt me. It was fine.”

“Agree to disagree, love, but nothing was fine about that situation, and karma isn’t kind to guys who prey on little girls.”

“It wasn’t like that Jax!” I all but scream, my frustration getting the better of me.

“How can’t you see it? You were a child…”

“Okay yes, I was a child, we’re all on the same page. Was it a perfect scenario? Should we have done that? Okay maybe not. But it’s not what you’re insinuating… it just isn’t.”

“Evi, come on,” he tries again before pausing. “What I don’t understand is why you’re adamant about seeing this through rose-colored glasses. Why are you holding on so tight to the idea that this was completely okay?”

I feel myself crumple at this question, unsure how to verbalize what I’m feeling.

“Because I…” I falter, taking a deep breath to steady myself before continuing. “Because I want to have one good memory of someone wanting to be with me. I want to remember a part of my childhood where someone actually wanted to spend time with me… to get to know me. And I want to remember this as something special, something fun, something I enjoyed. I don’t need it being twisted into something less than that, something vile, to be shelved next to all the other memories I’d rather forget.” I exhale shakily. “I just want this to remain as something I look back at with fondness, rather than redefining a pivotal moment in my life as something horrible,” I say sadly.

I turn from Jax, getting dressed in silence.

“Come on, love, talk to me,” he says cautiously.

“I’d rather not, Jax, I need to calm down first. Please leave.”

Hurt flashes across his face as he reaches for his phone.

“I’ll leave if that’s what you want, love, but Ryan will keep you company, and join you on your walk.”

I sigh in frustration. “I just want to be alone for once. I want to be able to think.”

“He’ll sit downstairs then.” He counters, texting on his phone before looking back at me. “Call me if you need me, love.”

Jax picks up his clothes and heads downstairs, and I can hear him getting dressed as I pace my room until I’m sure I’ve worn a patch in the floor. Fifteen minutes later, Ryan’s voice fills the apartment, and I hear the roar of Jax’s motorcycle coming alive outside minutes later.

I peek out of my bedroom door into my apartment below, only to find Ryan looking up at me.

“Well, I take it the night didn’t exactly go as I thought it would,” he says as he walks towards me, tentatively climbing the stairs up to my room. I don’t bother stopping him.

“No, it didn’t,” I say shortly, frustration still digging its claws into me, my body tense.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Not really.” I shoot back quickly, before sitting on my bed defeated, looking at Ryan in my doorway.

“I just feel like everything has gone to shit. This whole year, my whole childhood. And then I open up to Jax about one good memory I have, and he insinuates…” I trail off.

Ryan walks into the room leaning against the wall as he listens to me talk, telling my story to him, the same one I told Jax.

“I can see where you’re coming from Evi, but I can also see why Jax is angry,” he says, his voice taking on a tone that I had yet to hear from him.

I look up and notice a flash of darkness across his face, something sinister behind those usually kind eyes.

“But he’s not even trying to see my side, Ryan. He can only see it for something it definitely wasn’t…”

Ryan looks at me sympathetically, the darkness replaced by sympathy.

“I get that, Evi, I do, but I don’t think Jax will ever see it the same way you do. He’s very… protective… of you.”

Frustration turns to anger, unsure of how someone who says they care about me so much may never be able to understand my perspective.

“I don’t care, Ryan. I never asked for anything from him. Can you just leave me alone? I need space to think without one of you breathing down my neck.”

He puts his hands up in surrender at my words. “Okay, okay, I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

I fall back onto my bed, letting out an exasperated grunt as I hear the stairs groan under his retreat.

Deep down I know they have a point, and I know they’re just looking out for me. But I just do not want to go down that rabbit hole right now. I meant what I said to Jax the other night, I don’t think I have it in me to deal with more darkness this year. Thinking about this anymore than I already have feels like I’m trying to open Pandora’s box, and I don’t have the energy to try and contain everything that’s about to come flying out at me.

The longer I lay in my bed, the more annoyed I become. We’re still hours away from sunrise, but sleep doesn’t come to me easily. I’m too frustrated to relax, and I toss and turn, fighting with the sheets as they wrap around me, suffocating my skin.

The room becomes too hot and perspiration on my forehead forms again, followed quickly by the tremor in my hands.

I need out of this room, and I need time to think. Alone.

I peek out of my bedroom door and down the stairs, able to see a sliver of Ryan sitting on the couch watching movies. There’s no way I’d make it outside through the front door without him noticing.

I shut my door quietly, feeling trapped in my bedroom.

I wander over to my window and open it slowly, taking a deep breath as the night air floods my senses. It’s then that I remember the old metal fire escape.

I grab a jacket and shoes from my closet, remembering my phone at the last minute, before carefully crawling out of my window and onto the rusty fire escape. It’s a tight squeeze as I step tentatively onto the old metal stairs, hoping that they don’t buckle under my weight. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone test the stairs to make sure they’re still functional, let alone use them. I try not to look down, worried that I’ll freeze if I see the ground below from so high up.

I make my way steadily down the rickety stairs, careful not to make too much noise, and I breathe a sigh of relief once my feet hit the concrete.

I start walking aimlessly, following the sidewalk, the city streets empty at this hour. I walk, and I walk, and I walk, with no destination in mind. Besides the occasional car driving by me the only sound is my footsteps echoing off the concrete.

Thoughts swirl around my head as I put one foot in front of the other, and the floodgates that have been holding me together start to fail.

My childhood. Royce. My family. Rhett. The drugs. The lies. The trust that was broken.

I wipe away the tears as they stream down my face and I feel my chest begin to crack as the pain of the past year surges within me.

A lump forms in my throat as I try to swallow the guilt and shame that begins to consume me, my exhaustion making it impossible to keep everything at bay.

So much for keeping Pandora’s box sealed, I think to myself grimly.

I must have been walking for at least an hour or two, the night sky starting to lighten as dawn approaches. I feel like I’ve been walking for miles, my feet are sore and my fingers numb from the cold air. I pause for a moment, my body relieved at the break, and look around me. I’m shocked to see how far I’ve walked, having looped through the lower half of the city and now finding myself uptown, the buildings reflective under the city lights. I look for somewhere to sit down and rest, my eyes searching for an open diner or café, but everything is closed at this hour.

I walk to the next building, contemplating sitting on the front steps for a few minutes to catch my breath and rest my feet, and it’s only then that I realize I’m standing in front of Rhett’s apartment.

Fuck.

I try to give myself a pep talk, try to convince myself not to be stupid. But curiosity and need has me pressing the elevator button to get up to Rhett’s floor. I don’t even know if he’ll be here, I tell myself naively. I’m not even here to see him, I lie to myself.

But the truth is that I want to see him, I want to witness the aftermath of Jax’s visit with him.

But another part of me, a bigger part, desperately wants something to numb the emotions coursing through my veins. Something small to take away the nausea, sweats, and tremors that are bothering me more by the minute. Maybe Rhett was onto something when he called me a junkie, maybe he had been telling the truth all along and I was just happier ignoring it.

I lift my hand to knock on his door, but it opens before my fist makes contact with it.

I inhale sharply at the sight of Rhett.

His hair is wet, as if he has just showered, and his face is almost unrecognizable. He’s covered in cuts and bruises, which appear to be darkening by the second. It looks as if there isn’t a patch of skin that hasn’t been left unmarked.

Our eyes meet and a look of genuine fear crosses his face as he freezes at the sight of me.

“What are you doing here, Evi? I can’t be near you.” His eyes dart behind me, seemingly relieved that I’m here alone.

I take a deep breath. “I don’t know why I’m here… I went for a walk and wound up out front of your building. I didn’t plan to come in but…” I trail off, distracted by his right arm hanging limply by his side and a very expensive leather duffel bag in his other hand. “Going somewhere?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m getting out of the city for a bit,” he says nervously. “I can’t go into work looking like this and I need to keep my head down while all this blows over.” He looks pointedly at me.

“What are you doing here, Evi?” He presses again.

“I’m sorry Jax did this to you,” I start, my own apology surprising me. “I didn’t want anything to come of it, I didn’t know they took you and what their plans were and—”

He cuts me off. “And you’re probably realizing how shit it feels to have an unlimited supply of drugs stop so suddenly?” He guesses accurately. “What, your new guy isn’t cool with you enjoying yourself?” He raises an eyebrow but winces as a cut on his forehead cracks open, a trail of thick blood leaking out of it slowly.

“It’s more complicated than that, Rhett, but we both know I don’t owe you an explanation. I just thought something small might help take the edge off, you know? It’s not like I’m addicted or anything, but I thought if I just stop slowly, it might help a little bit, and help me deal with everything going on in my head.”

“Spoken like a true addict,” Rhett says, his voice laced with poison. “I cleaned out my apartment the night you—” He paused, looking at me while trying to find his words. “The night you partied too hard. I didn’t want people sniffing around here had things unfolded… differently with you.”

“Unfolded differently?” I ask, anger rising in my voice. “You have a very interesting way of describing me almost dying.”

He rolls his eyes while he gestures to me. “You’re fine, aren’t you?”

“Rhett, I…” I take a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t owe you an explanation. Do you have something that will help me or not?”

He swears at me under his breath before dropping the duffel bag on the ground, his hand searching his pockets.

He pulls out two bags, and excitement stirs inside of me at the idea of being able to turn off the thoughts in my head, if only for a little while.

“This is all I’ve got,” he says, handing them both to me as he steps out of his doorway, locking the door behind him. “Don’t come back here again… I don’t care what’s going on with you, but if you need a fix, you can go beg someone else for it.” He shoves past me roughly, getting on the elevator, and descending out of sight.

I sink to the floor in the hallway, my back resting against his front door, my body and soul desperate for a break.

What am I doing here?

I feel like I have just started to get my feet firmly planted on the ground and yet here I am, walking right back to the main source of my issues.

Why do I always seek out the worst things for me? Why wasn’t what I had gone through enough, and when did I feel so comfortable amongst chaos that it was more inviting than the calm Jax and Ryan had started to provide?

The questions go unanswered in my head, as I truly didn’t know why I am choosing this path, going out of my way to throw everything Jax has done to protect me right back in his face. Despite knowing the harm I am doing, and the hurt I am about to inflict, it doesn’t stop me from trying to justify what I am about to do. That I am helping myself stop using drugs by being responsible and weaning off slowly. That by helping bridge the gap between using and going cold turkey, I can help ease the nausea and tremors within me, and quiet my mind, making it easier for me to say goodbye to this lifestyle once and for all. I know I am bullshitting myself, I know it, but I don’t really care, my mind more focused on getting some relief from the constant tug I’m feeling, the one that pulled me back to Rhett’s place, looking for something only he would give me.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, distracting me from my thoughts. I pull it out, knowing who is probably trying to call me. Ryan’s name flashes on my screen and I send him to voicemail, but he keeps calling me. I curse Jax for giving him my phone number, and I can’t help but feel guilty for sneaking out of my room, which Ryan has clearly noticed I’m missing from.

I put my phone down on the floor beside me, the two bags weighing heavily in my hands, and I feel as though I’m on the edge of a precipice; I know that the choices I make in the next few moments will determine whether I fall over the edge or walk back onto solid ground.

I dump the contents of one baggie onto the hardwood floor, moving the powder into rough lines in front of me. I stare at it, thinking about the choices laid out in front of me. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can walk away from it all and stay on this path, regardless of how uneven the footing is.

Maybe I can keep Rhett as a distant memory in my mind instead of allowing him to dig his claws into me, impacting my choices even when he isn’t here.

I don’t want him to win. I don’t want someone who cares so little about me to have so much control over my life. But here I am, sitting outside his apartment and debating how much—if any—I’m going to take.

My phone begins to ring again, and I feel almost thankful for the distraction, breaking my stare away from the floor as I pick it up.

“Evi, where the fuck are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for ages!” Ryan yells with a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I went for a walk, Ryan,” I reply calmly, distractedly pushing the cocaine around with my finger, before bringing it to my lips and tasting it.

“Well, walk the fuck back here, Evi, or tell me where you are and I’ll come meet you.”

“No.”

“Excuse me? No?”

“No,” I respond simply, playing with the powder again.

“Jax said—” he starts before I cut him off.

“Jax can talk to me directly if he has a problem with my choices. I told you both I needed a walk alone, so I went for one.”

“You know Jax only wants to keep you safe, especially with Rhett out of his grasp now,” he says quietly.

“Rhett won’t be an issue, he’s not here anymore,” I say nonchalantly.

“Jax will—” He pauses. “What do you mean Rhett isn’t there anymore? Where the fuck are you?” He seethes.

“I told you, I went for a walk to clear my head. And I may have found myself in Rhett’s neighborhood and bumped into him. He’s leaving town. Trust me, Ryan, he doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. It’s fine. I’m fine. So, leave me alone and let me start my day in peace. I’ll be home soon, and you can chastise me then, or maybe Jax will punish me like he did Rhett.” I spit out, knowing I was speaking from a place of anger, and Jax would never lift a hand to me.

“Evi, you know that’s not fair. We’re just trying to—” His voice goes quiet as I end the call, tossing my phone down on the floor, staring at the white powder and pills once again.

I hate how much power something so insignificant has over me. I hate how this situation is even a tug of war in my brain.

I rest my chin on my hands, letting the events of the past year float in and out of my memory. The hurt. The loss. The abandonment. The loneliness. It all flashes in front of me as my breathing grows shallow, and my heartbeat speeds up.

I feel myself sway towards the precipice, feel myself hovering over the edge. And I almost choose to stand up and walk away. Almost. But instead, I lean forward, bringing my nose to the ground and letting myself freefall over the edge.

The drugs give me immediate relief from everything I am feeling. The nausea and tremors are quickly replaced by euphoria and a lightness I miss feeling in my body. I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down, and I realize how much I had missed this level of hope, of optimism, regardless of how artificial it is.

I make quick work of the rest of the lines before moving onto the baggie of pills, chasing a level of numbness I know is possible.

Remembering the euphoria from the last pills Rhett gave me, I take one out of the bag, rolling it tentatively between my fingers. I place it on the tip of my tongue, and it scratches my throat as I try to swallow it dry.

My phone ringing is a constant soundtrack in the background as I feel myself going off the rails.

I answer again, expecting to hear Ryan’s voice on the other end, but shocked when Jax’s voice meets my ears, causing a different type of need to stir within me despite my best efforts.

“Hello, love,” he says, his voice deathly quiet.

“Hi,” I say nervously, as anxiety builds in my chest.

“I hear you’ve taken yourself for a walk. Despite my direct orders.”

“You don’t own me, Jax. I’m my own person remember?”

“You are mine. Or do you not remember that? ‘I am yours, every inch of me is yours’,” he says, quoting me from just hours ago. “Or have you already forgotten the words you spoke to me?” His voice is barely above a whisper and laced with anger.

“I am. But I’m not. I…” I take a breath, putting another pill in my mouth and swallowing it slowly, the high from the cocaine starting to take effect. “I am yours, Jax, I want to be yours. But I’m my own person and I need to work through some shit first. I just needed some space today… this has all happened so fast, it’s suffocating me. I feel like I’ve gone from one person controlling me to another trying to. So, I went for a walk.”

“And how’s that going for you, love? Sort out everything going on in that head of yours?”

“Not quite.”

“Hmmm.” He muses. “Tell me where you are, love, and I’ll come get you. We can talk through everything.” Something else is palpable in his tone.

Is he pleading for me to come back to him? Is he truly that worried about me?

“I’m fine, Jax. I’m just in the middle of something and I’ll be home,” I say standing up, and almost falling, everything rushing to my head. “I’m just relaxing for a bit… and I’ll be home.” I giggle, my steps erratic underneath my body as I pace the hallway slowly.

“What do you mean you’re in the middle of something? Tell me where you are now.”

“I’m fine, Jax. I’m nowhere I haven’t been before. I’m going to relax now. I’ll see you in a bit… don’t worry so much.” I hang up the phone, silencing it from calls before switching on some music. I sit back down on the floor a few minutes later, tapping my fingers to the music before grabbing the baggie and taking another small pill out of it, not feeling the effects of the first two yet.

I don’t know how long I stay like this on the floor, how long I stay trapped in my own memories as the drugs take effect, but eventually I need out. I need away from this place, where I feel so much has happened to me behind the door I’m sitting against, but my memories are too fragmented to piece it together.

It takes a few attempts for me to stand up, and I claw at Rhett’s door, finally able to get a grip on the handle and pull myself off the floor. The realization that I have overdone it once again hits me like a ton of bricks.

I silence the small voice in my head that tells me to call Jax or Ryan, to ask them to pick me up. Instead, I make my way to the elevator, wanting to get outside and finish the walk I started.

I walk, or more like stumble, my way across the city. Stopping several times to rest my feet, unsure of why I am barefoot. When did I take my shoes off? Despite the sun being fully up in the sky, the air and ground are cold against my skin, and I find myself traversing neighborhoods I don’t recognize, trying to find my way back home. The people I encounter as I walk move out of my way quickly, giving me space as they glance at me from afar, looks of pity and disgust obvious on their faces. Everything feels disorienting, and the euphoria I felt earlier is slowly ebbing away, being replaced with worry and a sense of dread that is slowly spreading throughout me.

I have to find my way home, find my way back to the solace that only my apartment can provide me with, and the calm I only feel when I am around Jax.

I stumble up a curb, catching my foot on the hard concrete, a scream escaping my mouth as the ground rushes to meet me.

Before I’m able to hit the ground, strong arms wrap around me, lifting me away from the cold cement and steadying me on my feet.

“Thank fuck, Evi. Where have you been? We’ve been scouring the city for you,” Ryan says, the urgency in his usual calm voice alarming.

His hands grip me firmly on my shoulders as his eyes scan my body. “Are you okay? Where were you? And why are you out here with no shoes? It’s freezing…” He trails off, his eyes finally meeting mine.

“Oh, Evi,” he says sadly.

“What?”

He closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath.

“You told us you were fine…” he starts quietly. “I know it’s hard, but you could have told us if you were struggling this badly… that you needed to go…” He pauses, looking at me quizzically. “Wait, where did you go?”

I look away, unsure if I want to tell him the truth, but the drugs in my veins make it hard to care about repercussions.

“I went to Rhett’s,” I say, shame lacing the words as they leave my mouth.

For a moment, Ryan is silent, with no witty comeback or response to my statement, before true anger flashes across his face.

“Tell me I did not just hear what I think I did. That you went to Rhett’s apartment. Straight back to the guy who almost let you overdose and who your boyfriend and I left half dead only hours ago? Tell me you value your life more than that, Evi!”

Boyfriend?I think quietly.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I say to Ryan, who ignores me and continues talking, more so to himself than to me.

“So, when you said you were in Rhett’s neighborhood, you were really…” He trails off.

“Sitting outside of his apartment door… after I had a chat with him,” I finish.

“Shit.” Ryan lets out a loud exhale, still holding my shoulders, steadying me as I put all my energy into keeping myself upright.

He looks me up and down as if making sure I’m in one piece. “After you had a chat? Evi, please tell me you didn’t—”

“I didn’t do anything with him Ryan, if that’s what you’re insinuating. Fuck. I didn’t go there looking for that. I went for… something else,” I say, the last two words coated thick with shame.

“Something you knew Jax and I wouldn’t let you have.”

“Something like that,” I confirm.

Ryan nods slowly, a sadness taking over his features.

“Let’s get you home,” he says quietly, before picking me up in one swift movement, tossing me easily over his shoulder.

A shriek escapes my lips. “Put me down!” I demand.

“No,” he responds simply. “Your feet are cut up enough as is, the least I can do is carry you to my car.”

“What, no motorcycle today?” I ask, surrendering to his firm grip on me, unable and unwilling to fight against his strength and logic.

“I was hoping I would be wrong, but I figured I might need to help you get home when I found you.”

“What made you so sure that you’d be able to find me?” I ask.

“Because Evi, whether you like it or not, you’re important to Jax, which means you’re important to me. And like I’ve told you, there’s no end I wouldn’t go to for someone I care about,” he says blatantly.

“Oh,” I say quietly. He approaches a black car, opening the door and gently placing me onto the black leather seat in the back.

“Get some rest, Evi, I’ll wake you when we’re home,” he says, while shutting the back door to the car, the tinted windows shading me from the bright morning sun.

My eyes close as I hear him get into the front seat, talking quietly on his phone before starting the car and driving away.

The motion of the car and the sound of the engine create a blanket of noise around me, and I close my eyes as I come down from my high, drifting off to sleep on our journey home.