Chapter 19
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Iwake to the smell of food cooking and coffee brewing. For a few moments, the soft glow of my light and the smell of food are the only things I’m aware of.
A few blissful moments.
That is all I’m given before reality comes rushing back to me.
I groan as I take a deep breath, trying to assess exactly how I’m feeling.
I force myself to sit up, even as my body protests loudly, longing to stay hidden under the warmth of my duvet for as long as possible.
My head aches with a pounding sensation, my lips feel cracked, and my mouth is dry despite the water I had earlier.
I roll up the sleeves of the oversized sweater I’m wearing, inhaling deeply when I notice it smells like Jax, memories of us curled up together fresh in my mind. Warmth spreads through my body as I remember how secure I felt as I drifted off to sleep in his arms, and my heart starts to pound as something like lust grows within me.
I shake my head, trying to push out the feeling that threatens to take hold of me, no matter how good it feels. This is all completely ridiculous. I barely know him. I think to myself.
I don’t even know if we had spent more than a few hours together, and yet here I am, smitten with his very existence.
This. This is why I make stupid decisions so easily—because I fall head over heels for anyone who blinks in my direction.
Another groan escapes my lips as I get out of bed and shuffle to the bathroom, my body slowly adjusting to the movement.
As the shower heats up, I look in the mirror, quickly confirming that it is actually possible to look worse than I feel.
Peeling off my sweater and underwear, I step into the shower. The smell of my lavender soap quickly fills the room as I take my time scrubbing the memories from my skin.
The steam from the hot water is now so thick I can barely see my hands. I want to stay in here forever, but the heat becomes too much, and I realize how desperately I need water. With a sigh, I turn off the faucet and reach for a towel to dry off.
I make quick work of getting dressed, pulling on an old pair of jeans and a black V-neck T-shirt, my long hair now towel-dried and up in a messy bun. I pause as I throw my towel into the laundry basket, noticing one I don’t remember using already in there.
I take a deep breath as I start my descent downstairs to get a drink of water, my tentative steps taking me closer to the noise and smells coming from my kitchen.
I stop when I see Jax looking completely at home behind the stove, more laid back than I’ve ever seen him. Coffee is brewing, and he’s expertly flipping eggs and pancakes in various pans. Music plays quietly in the background, and I can’t place what song it is, but I’m surprised that someone who looks so tough is listening to something so melodic and smooth, the sound of an acoustic guitar filling my apartment.
Jax pauses when he sees me before turning his attention back to the eggs.
“Good to see you’re back from your visit with the dead, love,” he says, and I hear the relief in his voice.
“You’re hilarious,” I respond dryly, gesturing to the clock on my stove. “It’s only 11a.m.”
Jax pauses, smiling. “Yeah, it’s 11a.m.… on Saturday.”
“I slept an entire day?! Mike’s going to kill me… I was supposed to work last night.” Worry rises within me at the thought of being fired, but the smile doesn’t falter from Jax’s face.
“I took the liberty of letting Mike know you’d be off for the rest of the week,” he says, nonchalantly.
I look at him in shock. “What?”
“Seeing as you spent Thursday night walking the line between life and death, I thought the bare minimum was making sure you have a few days to recover, but don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get paid for the shifts you were meant to work.”
I pause.
“How?” I question before remembering, Mike owes him, so he owns Mike.
“Wait. Just because you’re technically my boss, it doesn’t mean you should be doing me any favors…”
“Well, technically I’m your boss’s boss, love.” He winks.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re absolutely infuriating?”
His smile grows. “I’ve been called worse.”
I roll my eyes at him before walking past him to get a glass and fill it with water, once again overly aware of how close my body is to his. I walk away from him, against the pull that makes me want to stay by his side, taking a seat on a bar stool and resting my glass on the island counter. I watch him quietly as I sip my water, slowly feeling more human, as he moves nimbly around the kitchen.
“Coffee?” he asks.
“Please.”
“Sugar? Cream?”
“Both,” I respond.
He pours the coffee into an empty mug, its sides adorned with a floral print, before adding cream and sugar, stirring it slowly.
I don’t know how to act as I watch him, unsure of the dynamic between us, yet something tells me that it wouldn’t take a lot of effort to get used to the sight before me.
He hands me a mug and I take it from him quietly, the ceramic hot against my hands.
He cocks an eyebrow at me, as if he can see my thoughts.
I sigh. “This is weird right?” I ask.
“What, me waiting on you?” His voice is full of playful teasing.
“No. Yes. This whole situation is weird. You’re some big crime guy with probably much more important things to do. And you’re my boss,” I say pointedly.
“Your boss’s boss, love,” he responds with a smile.
“Right, my boss’s boss. And yet here you are, making me breakfast as if you’ve got nothing better to be doing. Surely you have more important things to deal with.”
He pauses for a split second before walking towards me, his steps deliberate until he’s so close our bodies are almost touching. He tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear, and my breathing hitches at his touch.
“Just because I have other things I should be doing,” he says quietly, “doesn’t mean they’re more important than being here.”
I don’t know what to say as he turns and walks back to the stove, so I sit and sip my coffee until his voice fills the silence between us.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I made myself at home while I’ve been here,” Jax says as he places a plate of food in front of me. The smell of bacon reaches my nose first, and my mouth starts to water at the food in front of me. “I helped myself to your coffee and had a shower.”
Well, that confirms where the towel came from, I think to myself. I try to hide the blush as it spreads to my cheeks, the thought of Jax showering—and completely nude—in my house is enough to make my pulse quicken.
“That’s fine,” I say, trying to appear indifferent, but obviously failing miserably as he cocks his head to the side and smiles at me.
He grabs a plate for himself, loading it with food and coming to sit next to me on the bar stool. It’s impossible to ignore him as I feel the heat radiate from his body, and my nerves tingle with anticipation at his every move.
As I finish eating the food in front of me, I clear my throat, taking a sip of coffee before working up the courage to turn towards him. My heart skips as our eyes meet.
“I just want to say thank you for—for everything,” I whisper quietly.
“Well, I couldn’t exactly leave you to die, love,” he responds casually.
“No, but you did more than what most people would even think to do… checking in on me after seeing me at Heat…” I trail off. “I don’t know how I got so deep into all of this.” I gestured vaguely as my eyes start to sting, tears welling to the surface.
“It’s really not hard,” he says sympathetically. “It’s not hard to get lost in the woods if the people we’re following are encouraging us to stray off the trail.”
“Aren’t you just filled with wisdom today.” I chirp back, as I try to remember the dream I had ages ago, the panic I felt as I strayed into a field of poison ivy, unable to get back onto the path I so willingly left behind.
I sigh, knowing that Jax is right, that the people—person—I had spent most of my time with seemed to enjoy watching me self-destruct as a result of my bad choices.
I take a breath. “What if I’ve been off the trail for so long, I don’t know how to find my way back? What if I can’t?”
“I think,” Jax starts, “that you have enough determination in your little finger to do whatever you want, and enough fire in your soul to burn the world down if it doesn’t yield to you.”
“But that fire has changed, remember?”
“Then it’s a good thing I’d set the world on fire for you too,” Jax replies solemnly, as his eyes dance.
“Why me?”
“Hmm?”
“Why me, Jax?” I press. “Why are you doing this for me? Mr. Morally Gray Crime Boss is suddenly invested in helping me—a trust fund baby who lost her way and is floating at rock bottom.”
He runs his hand through his hair.
“The truth, love?” he responds, his eyes serious. “Is that you remind me of someone from my past. Someone who I should have been able to save but couldn’t, and I’ve lived every day with the regret of losing them. I refuse to make the same mistake twice.”
Jax’s phone rings and he picks it up to see who’s calling, before looking back to me. “But that’s a story for another time. Excuse me, love, while I take this call, I’ve been waiting for it all morning.”
Jax steps away from the kitchen, standing in front of a pile of canvases while he talks on the phone, glancing at me occasionally. He keeps his voice low, making it hard for me to hear what’s being discussed, but I have a feeling it has something to do with me from the way he looks at me before his voice descends into a growl. “Just do what you need to do, I’ll take over as soon as I can.” He hangs up abruptly.
He walks over to me, his anger disappearing quickly as he stands in front of the stool I’m still sitting on.
“What was that about?” I ask bluntly.
“It was nothing,” he responds, his voice clipped.
“And here I thought we were on good enough terms to tell the truth.”
He sighs heavily. “It was nothing of importance right now. Ryan, my second in charge, is taking care of it for me. He can hold it together for a few days, until I’m free to assess the situation myself.”
A few days? Did that mean he’s planning on staying here…
His eyes sparkle with amusement. “Yes, love, you’re stuck with me for a few days.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” I start, my pitch high as my cheeks redden, the idea of spending so much time with him here, alone, causing my thoughts to go to all sorts of inappropriate places. I look at him, the energy between us still tangible, and his words to me a few nights ago playing on repeat in my head. Heat gathers at the thought of that memory.
“I’m capable of taking care of myself.” I continue, “I know it was a… rough… few days, but I’m fine and I’m sure I can take it from here. Plus, I’ll be working anyway so if you’re here you’ll just be entertaining yourself most of the time.”
“Are you done?” Jax asks patiently.
I nod.
“Firstly, while it would appear you’re too old for a babysitter, love, you have proved time and time again that your self-preservation is nonexistent, so therefore, no, you’re not okay on your own for the next few days. So, I’ll be here keeping an eye on you to make sure you don’t make any other… unfortunate… choices and help you get back on the right path.”
I roll my eyes at him for using the metaphor against me.
“Secondly,” he continues, “you won’t be working this weekend, remember, love? Boss’s boss privileges.” He winks.
I roll my eyes at him again.
“Roll your eyes at me one more time, love, and see what happens. I dare you,” he whispers quietly, a primal need replacing the humor in his voice.
I look up at him. “If you think that’s going to deter me from rolling my eyes again, you are severely mistaken,” I whisper back, my voice becoming heavy with my need for him.
We stand still, and I swear I can see the sparks dancing between us.
“It’s not like this with other people, is it?” I whisper.
He takes a deep breath, as if to steady himself. “No, it’s not,” he says quietly. “Tell me what you want, love. Anything, and it’s yours. What do you need to make everything right again after all of this?”
“You,” I say quietly. “I want—I need—you.”
A smile crosses his lips. “That, love, is something I would be more than happy to give you.”
He takes my hand and I slide off the bar stool, following him as he leads the way upstairs, the rest of our coffee forgotten on the counter.
He steps inside my room, pausing as he turns to me.
“Tell me what you want.” His voice is like honey.
My body is alight with anticipation, the energy between us like a summer storm, and my skin jumps at his touch as his hand brushes against my lower back.
I don’t think anyone has ever asked me exactly what I want, and I blush, suddenly shy at having to voice my desires out loud to him.
“I want…” I start tentatively, before sheer need takes over, “I want you, inside of me. I want you to fuck me, Jax.”
His lips crash onto mine, stealing my breath as my body comes alive, every nerve firing and every sensation electric. He lifts my shirt over my head, and I tear his off as well. I shimmy out of my pants as my hands work desperately to undo his belt, my need for him primal. I unzip his pants, pulling them down as I get on my knees, eager to see all of him. He stops me before I get any further, looking at me as he guides me back to my feet, desire heavy in his eyes.
“Sit,” he demands, pointing to the chair in the corner of my room. I do as he says, my nerves alight with anticipation. He prowls toward me and uses his thumb to tilt my chin up so I’m looking into his emerald eyes.
“I told you last time that you’d be on your knees begging for me to fuck you, but what I didn’t tell you is that first I’d be on mine worshiping you.”
He nudges my knees apart with his own then kneels down, spreading me wide in front of him.
“Such perfect thighs,” he whispers as he kisses the inside of my legs. Heat gathers at my core as his lips trail across my skin.
He pauses and glances up at me—eyes blazing.
I swallow and nod.
He kisses my inner thighs again while letting his hands trail over my body. His tongue devours my skin as he approaches my center.
I try to relax my breathing, but I can’t.
The anticipation is torture and just as I’m about to plead for him to touch me, he brushes his lips over my lips.
My legs start to shake already.
He kisses me again, and this time, his tongue flicks lightly over my clit.
A moan escapes me.
“Do you like that, love?” He purrs.
I can only nod.
He kisses me again, and as he lifts my legs over his shoulders, I lose any sense of control I thought I had, running my fingers through his hair, my nerves tight with pleasure.
The way he kisses me, it’s as if he’s trying to memorize the way I taste and devour my soul in the process.
“You’re so beautiful, love,” he says as he looks up at me, his lips glistening with my wetness.
I feel like my heart will escape my chest if it beats any faster.
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he continues.
His words are like an aphrodisiac, making my pussy pulse with the need to be touched. He groans at my reaction, and his tongue flicks over my clit again. Like he can’t get enough of me. His hands grip my ass, pulling me closer to his mouth. And I’m lost. I feel completely at his mercy and based on the sparkle in his eyes he knows it too. My breathing is shallow, and my body is warm. His head is between my legs, his hair tousled and his lips moving in a steady motion, his eyes closed in concentration and pleasure. This moment feels like magic as stars dance across my vison. My hips grind against his lips and my nipples peak. I’m moaning, writhing, begging with my body for him to take me over the edge. I cry out as the first wave of my orgasm comes crashing down over me, a tidal wave of pleasure that threatens to sweep me away.
As my orgasm subsides and I try to catch my breath, Jax brings his lips to mine, kissing me with the taste of myself on his lips. My need for him surges again, desire building inside of me, wanting more.
He lifts me, carrying me to my bed as my legs wrap around his waist, and lays me softly on the mattress.
“Do you have…?” He trails off as I point to the top drawer in my dresser. He leaves me on the bed for a moment, retrieving a foil packet from my drawer. He’s back on the bed before I even have time to miss the warmth of his arms around me, and as he lowers his weight on top of me, I can’t help but think that this feels like home.
His forearm supports him as his mouth crashes onto mine again, his other hand finding the bundle of nerves between my legs with such expertise that I am ready to shatter all over again. He puts a finger inside of me, then two.
“Christ, I can’t wait to be inside of you.” He growls, as he begins to move them back and forth, the sensation driving me wild. I moan as his fingers find the perfect spot, the one that sends electricity coursing through my entire body.
He takes his fingers out of me and brings them to his lips, his eyes never leaving mine as he begins licking them slowly.
“Fuck you taste so good, love.”
A breath I didn’t know I had been holding escapes me, and I lift my hips up to meet the hard length of him, wanting everything he has to offer me.
“I want you inside of me,” I whisper before his mouth claims mine again.
A devilish smile crosses his lips, and the flames of desire sparkle in his eyes.
“Anything for you, love.”
And with that, he grabs his impressive length, freeing it from his boxers before reaching for the foil packet and rolling the contents over himself, before finding me again and pressing himself against my entrance.
I gasp as his tip slowly pushes inside of me, and in and in and in. I have never felt so delectably full in my life, with the warmth of his body all-encompassing, sending waves of pleasure throughout my entire being. I wrap my legs around him tightly, urging him to move faster, my desire for him all-consuming.
Jax groans as he starts to move within me, his thrusts deep and hard, every stroke bringing me closer to the edge. I cling to him, the sweat from our bodies mingling, the scent of our desire—of me, of him—filling the air. He shifts back, lifting my hips up to meet him as he moves himself deeper inside of me before gently picking up a pace that has my toes curling and nails digging into his back, begging for everything he can give me.
Our kiss deepens and a moan escapes me, the sounds of lust and hunger echoing in my room. I feel his hands on my hips, guiding himself deeper, and I can feel myself beginning to shatter, the sensations building and building until I can’t take it anymore.
I arch my back, my nails digging into him, as my body convulses. I cry out his name, my orgasm washing over me as he finds his release as well.
We collapse beside each other, our breathing ragged and sweat glimmering on our skin. Jax plants a kiss on my forehead before rolling out of bed and making his way to the bathroom. I stare at the ceiling as I pull the sheets over me, their touch cool against the heat radiating from my skin. My eyes feel heavy, and for the first time in a long time, I feel utterly content. Sleep finds me unexpectedly, and I dream of Jax sitting in the chair by my bed, talking on the phone; his voice nothing but rushed whispers.
“Just keep him alive until I can talk to him,” he says, the tone in his voice nothing short of primal rage. “Figure it out Ryan, I’m sure you can manage.”