Chapter 18
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Ifeel myself stirring before I wake up. The red-hot fire and the icy cold replaced by a comforting warmth around me. I can’t hear anything outside of my own breathing, which is steady, my heartbeat no longer threatening to crack my chest in two. As I open my eyes, I’m greeted by the soft glow of my bedroom lighting, and I realize I am laying on my bed, surrounded by blankets and pillows.
“Rhett?” I croak quietly.
“Just me here, love.”
I startle at the sound of Jax’s voice, and my eyes go wide with surprise as I see him sitting on a chair beside my bed. At first glance he looks relaxed, but as my vision starts to clear I’m shocked at the level of undiluted rage simmering beneath the surface of his eyes.
I try to sit up, but my body screams at me, protesting even the slightest movement. My throat feels like sandpaper, so dry I can barely speak, and my head is pounding. My muscles are sore, and I feel like someone has chewed me up and spat me out.
“Rhett, is not here.” Jax seethes. “And since I saw the two of you at Heat last night, I assume he is the one who brought you home and left you to die on your balcony alone.”
Shit.
It takes a moment for me to register everything Jax is saying, my energy so drained it’s as if my brain is struggling to process what I’m hearing.
Jax is mad. Rhett left me. I almost died.
Questions started to swirl around my head, wondering what exactly had transpired for me to end up in my bed with Jax watching over me, and I realize I don’t remember most of the night.
“You’re mad at me,” I say quietly.
Jax takes a breath, running a hand through his hair.
“You were out of control last night. But that’s not what I’m mad about, it’s your life and you can do what you want. What I’m mad about—and yes, I’m livid—is that your boyfriend brought you home and quite literally left you to die. After watching him carry you out of the club, I thought I should check in on you. When you didn’t answer my calls, I assumed the worst and came over. When I pulled in, I saw Rhett speeding out of the driveway…” He pauses.
Carried out of the club. Left me to die. Jax came over.I continued to try and piece everything together.
“What happened?” I ask, my voice raw.
“I knew something was wrong when I saw him leave.” He continues quietly, “I watched how he interacted with you last night… I learned enough about him to know that not much was going to stop him from spending the night with you.” Anger dances behind his eyes, the meaning behind his words clear. “I raced upstairs and when you didn’t answer the door, I broke it down. I hoped—I hoped, love—that I was overreacting, that I was being some overprotective idiot. But when I couldn’t find you in your apartment I panicked. My brain went a million miles a minute trying to piece together what could have happened to you. And then I saw you outside—sprawled out on your balcony in the cold. So yes. I’m mad. But more than that, I’m scared. You scared me.”
He takes a deep breath. “I thought you died,” he whispers quietly and I’m shocked at the shakiness in his voice, the genuine sadness in his eyes.
“Jax, I’m fine, see? I just needed to sleep it off…” My voice gravelly as I try to prove I’m okay.
“You needed Narcan,” he says quietly.
I freeze in response to his words.
“For some reason, a reason that I’m sure you’ll tell me all about, your boyfriend chose to leave you dying in the cold rather than get you help. And for that, I will literally kill him.”
I look at his face for any semblance of sarcasm and find none. Jax is staring at me with a look of fury that would make most want to shrink away and disappear. But something inside of me sparks as I hear him wanting to defend me.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I say quietly, my words catching in my throat as I start to cough.
“That’s your takeaway from everything I just said?” Jax says as he reaches for a glass of water and hands it to me.
The first sip feels like heaven, my throat immediately feeling better.
I try again. “I just mean… I thought you should know after yesterday that he’s not my boyfriend… not anymore… I would never… I mean… I’m not committed to anyone else…” God I’m making a mess out of this.
The silence that follows is thick with tension as I try to process everything that has happened while trying to keep myself together.
I find myself trying to keep the tears at bay as I sit up slowly, the cool air refreshing on my bare legs as I pull the blankets off me. I know Rhett isn’t a great person, the way I acted in his presence is evidence enough, but the way he acted last night confirms he never actually cared about me.
“You two were acting awfully close considering you’re not… together,” Jax says. “And with the way you were all over each other last night, it makes me think you’re either fucking him or lying to me.”
The words hit me like a slap across the face, but my hurt is quickly replaced by indignation. “It’s rude to spy on people you know,” I say firmly.
“I wasn’t spying, I was simply observing you.”
“Semantics.”
Jax huffs a laugh, the anger briefly replaced by humor. “There’s that fire again,” he muses as I roll my eyes.
“So,” he continues, “care to tell me what the fuck is actually going on between you two?”
“Remember how I told you it was a long story and things are complicated?”
Jax nods in confirmation.
“It’s an even longer and more complicated story.”
I tell him everything about my deal with Rhett. How I hadn’t just borrowed money from him, how it wasn’t as clean cut as a simple loan, and how, instead, we’d made a deal that was an exchange of sorts. How all Rhett had asked was for me to be amicable, a small request that ended up costing me everything. Jax is silent the entire time I speak, the only sign that he hears me is the occasional rise of one of his eyebrows, in surprise or judgment, I can’t tell.
The shame within me grows as I speak, and I struggle to look him in the eye as I use him as a confessional, leaving no sin buried.
Even with the distance between us, me in my bed and him on the chair, I can feel the anger radiating off of him as I keep talking, his fists opening and closing at his sides as if he’s struggling to contain everything he just heard.
His mouth is now a thin line, his jaw tense.
“Fucking hell, love.” His voice is thick with emotion I can’t place, as if worry, disappointment, and anger have merged into one. He runs a hand through his hair.
I close my eyes, wondering how I could be so stupid, how I could be dumb enough to make a deal with him after his charming fa?ade started to fade. Was I so desperate to be loved that I was willing to give everything to someone who couldn’t care less about me, leaving me when I needed them most? I can’t grasp the reality of it all.
He left me while I was overdosing on a balcony.
Fuck.
I can’t stop the tears flowing down my face as my chest heaves, the pain I feel threatening to split me in half. My shoulders slump forward, no fight left in me, no way to keep my feelings from consuming me whole. This feels worse than any hangover I’ve ever had; my head feels like it has been hit with a hammer, the taste is my dry mouth is acidic, and my body feels as though I’ve been hit by a bus. Shame cuts through me as I realize I want something to make it all stop, something to keep everything from hurting so much. My eyes open quickly as a rough thumb gently wipes the tears away and surprise rolls through me at the sight of Jax staring at me intensely.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whisper.
“I’m fucking furious.” He breathes, and I look away, unable to face him.
A moment later his thumb tilts my head up, forcing me to look into his eyes.
“Don’t hide from me, love,” he whispers.
“I’m sorry,” I say meekly. “It was a stupid deal, and I made stupid choices. I never should have got involved with him and I am so mad at myself for everything—”
He cuts me off abruptly. “You don’t have to justify your choices to me,” he says, and some of his anger dissipates as he takes a breath. “I agree that you made some really fucking stupid choices but trust me when I say that stupid decisions are easy to make, especially when all we’re looking for is to feel loved and accepted.” He takes a deep breath, as his body relaxes a bit more. He continues, “Does that make you an innocent bystander in all of this? Of course not. You made bad decisions, and I hope you have learned your lesson. So, am I furious? Yes. But trust me when I say none of it is directed at you.”
I’m speechless as he looks me up and down.
“And Evi?” he murmurs as his hand skims across my thigh.
I follow his gaze to the bruises on my thighs. “This, love, is not a lesson anyone should ever have to learn. You deserve so much more, someone who will give you the world, not cause you pain. Promise me you’ll never tolerate this again, love.”
The tears keep falling as I nod in agreement, and I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands.
Seconds later, Jax climbs into bed beside me, the mattress sinking under his weight, as he secures me with his arms and wraps me in his warmth. There’s something comforting about being enveloped by him, as if he is a literal wall between me and the outside world.
“You scared me, Evi,” he whispers, his voice barely audible, void of the anger that was there just moments ago.
I lean into him, and we stay like this for hours as I drift in and out of sleep. Jax only moving to brush my hair out of my face and pull the blankets back up around me again.