Finding Her Strength (Sonoma #3)

10. Hope

10

HOPE

T he bright sunshine warms my skin through the window, creating a feeling of utter contentment I haven’t felt since I was a child. I close my eyes to better soak in the moment as images of my grandmother and her flower garden come into my mind. A small smile pulls at the corners of my mouth at the memory. I can almost smell her roses.

God, I used to be so carefree. Running circles around my grandmother, keeping her constantly on her toes. She always hated how curious I was because she could never find me. I’d follow a butterfly across the backyard and end up under a bush, pretending a fairy family lived there.

Then one day, I woke up, and my entire life changed within hours.

I open my eyes again before I get too lost in my past, focusing back on my book. The library in Quinn’s rental house is one of the best things I’ve ever gotten to experience. Since the house came mostly furnished, the space is perfectly decorated with comfy gray reading chairs, a couch, a yellow and gray patterned rug, and an entire wall of books.

The French doors are to my right and the chairs sit across from the couch in front of the wide window. It’s the perfect place to read, and I’m taking full advantage of the house I now get to call mine.

As the week has progressed, I’ve slowly started to feel comfortable here instead of like a guest. I need to get some decorations to make the space a little more to my tastes. Not that Quinn’s decorating is bad, it’s actually gorgeous, but I think adding things I picked out myself will make it feel more like my house instead of someone else’s.

My stomach rumbles, reminding me I haven’t eaten anything all day because I haven’t gone grocery shopping. I haven’t decided what I want to make for the week, therefore, I have no motivation to go to the store.

Walking out of the library, I take in the space around me again and feel like pinching myself for the umpteenth time since I moved in. The large gray sectional and navy blue rug in the living room invite me to cozy up for a nap, the white six-person dining room table has me wishing I had friends I could invite over for a meal, and the white cabinets, granite countertops, and silver appliances in the kitchen have me itching to create an extravagant meal.

The parties you could host here would be phenomenal, and for the first time since I moved to Sonoma, I wish I could be more outgoing and create friendships with people I would want to invite over.

For so long, I was taught to not be seen or heard. It’s hard to suddenly break out of that mold when you spent years being conditioned to expect a certain response if you slipped up.

Shaking my head at my pointless thoughts, I walk out to the garage. A sandwich from the café sounds delicious, and once I’m fueled, I’ll head to the grocery store. If I can keep the reward of a delicious meal in mind, I might be able to get through it.

Once I’m in my car, I make my way to the café. I do miss being within walking distance, but the store is still close, so I can easily grab a coffee or breakfast there anytime. Most people go to the café for their amazing sandwiches, so I’m sure they’ll be busy on a Sunday afternoon. It’s worth the extra wait time, though.

The smell of toasted bread floats around the room as I step into the café. It’s loud, too, which isn’t a surprise for a Sunday afternoon. My stomach rumbles hard, and I’m glad I decided to have lunch here instead of finding something at home.

The restaurant has a counter with a window box displaying the pastries of the day. Unsurprisingly, there are only a few trays left since it’s lunchtime. I jump in the long line to order, trying not to get overwhelmed with the number of people here. The line slowly moves forward, so I grab my book out of my tote bag to read while I wait.

Something catches my eye, making me look up from my book to find Levi’s gaze on me. A gorgeous smile fills his face when I finally make eye contact. My stomach quivers when I realize he’s here for lunch, too. How can I have lived in this town for over a year and never have run into him before, but now, when I can’t seem to stop thinking about him, he’s everywhere I am?

Why is this my life?

I swipe my sweaty hands across my pants and force my eyes to go somewhere other than to the handsome man who hasn’t stopped being on my mind since he stepped foot in my store. I swore I would never allow a man to influence my decisions again, yet, here I am, wanting to flee this place because this dazzling guy makes me nervous.

“Can I help you?”

Startled, I look at the cashier. I didn’t even notice it was my turn. Damn you, Levi.

“Hi, um…” I clear my throat in an attempt to get my thoughts to focus. “Can I have a BLT and a bowl of chicken noodle soup, please? ”

The cashier rings me up and takes my cash, then hands me a number stand for my table. I turn to scan the room, hoping for an open table on the opposite side of the café, away from Levi. Every single table is taken despite how hard I’m wishing someone will move for me.

“You’re welcome to sit with me.”

I jump, my heart lurching in my chest. “How are you so sneaky?” The words fly out of my mouth before I can reel them back in.

Levi laughs, and I take a moment to appreciate the joy radiating off him. His smile lights up his entire face while his laugh bubbles up inside me, creating this oddly euphoric feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been around someone with so much happiness buzzing around him. It’s unsettling. And unexpected. He’s the first man I’ve ever felt comfortable around. Even though my nerves are through the roof, I’m not afraid. I’m curious.

“I apologize. I don’t mean to keep sneaking up on you. I wanted to offer my table. It doesn’t seem like there’s any other option.”

I sigh, looking around again. He’s right, of course, so I resign myself to enduring his company. The problem isn’t even Levi. It’s having to deal with the constant barrage of thoughts that filter through my head when he’s near me. On top of that, I seriously enjoy looking at him, even though I know I shouldn’t. Sitting with him will allow me to get to know him better, and the more I get to know him, the more tempting he becomes.

All I can do is nod my head, but looking at Levi, you’d think he won the lottery. His happiness spreads to me, making my lips twitch up in a smile.

We sit down at the table, and both of our metal number stands sit to my left, leaving the middle of the table clear. I start drumming my fingers, not knowing what else to do. The quiet stretches between us, becoming awkward and uncomfortable. This is weird. I’m weird. Why am I sitting here?

“Maybe I should get my order to go,” I suggest, standing from my chair.

“Wait. Don’t go.”

I freeze in an awkward crouch, my body reverting back to obeying commands on instinct. I look at Levi but am surprised by his expression. Instead of the hard lines and angry eyes I expect, they’re soft and pleading. Almost apologetic in their deep, soulful gaze.

“Okay, I’ll stay, then.” My voice is barely above a whisper, the instinct to run flitting away as fast as it came. The tightness in my muscles releases, and I plop back down into my chair. Why does he never do what I expect him to do? Between constantly apologizing to me, making me laugh, and his overall happy demeanor, I don’t know how to interact properly with him.

Anger and aggression have always been the leading emotions in my interactions with men. They never cared about how I felt, and they certainly never apologized to me. If anything, they expected me to be the one apologizing to them. Between their manipulations and the complete isolation I was kept in, I am utterly lacking in the right skills to handle this situation appropriately.

What would it be like to have a man like Levi in my life? My past has taught me there’s more risk than reward in relationships with men. But right now, as I stare into Levi’s warm gaze, I’m not so sure that applies to him. Being in his presence fills me with an ease I’ve never experienced when I’ve been around a man— any man—before.

The ever-present fear I’m used to feeling has morphed into more of a wariness, an uncertainty of doing the wrong things, not because I’m afraid of the consequences but because I don’t want to push him away. I’m utterly perplexed by this odd turn of my emotions .

“Is the store closed today, or are you taking a break?” Levi’s words pull me out of my head.

“We’re usually closed on Sundays. Although, most of the time, I’m still at the store, working on something.” I shrug my shoulders. I work a lot since I don’t have much else to do.

“I’m almost always working, too. I have a hard time sitting still except to eat.” Levi’s smile is engaging, and mine follows quickly after his.

“I meant to ask you the other day how the flowers worked out for you.”

Levi’s eyes light up at the mention of his friend. Again, I feel like there could be more there than he led on. “She loved them, but I wasn’t let off the hook until after a shopping trip for her zoo.”

My brows furrow. “Zoo?”

“Yeah, Sara is a vet tech and has a soft spot for strays. She has what feels like a million animals who each need a good home. I took her on a shopping spree at the pet store to make up for my idiocy.” Levi chuckles, shaking his head. “She came close to buying out the store but stopped just shy of it.”

“I’m glad she made you work for it. Forgetting a birthday is a pretty big deal.”

“I have definitely learned my lesson. Trust me.” Levi winks, and my stomach swirls at the sight. It should make me feel better knowing he potentially has someone else in his life. Someone he obviously adores. It would mean he’s not a threat to me or my carefully crafted life here. But instead, there’s a little niggle of disappointment in my gut. A small part of me wants this outgoing, beautiful guy to see the real me. See the woman I’m finally becoming and want more from me than friendship.

Our food arrives, interrupting our conversation. I’m grateful for the reprieve from both the intense look Levi was giving me and my ridiculous thoughts. Sometimes, I hate how analytical I can be. For a good chunk of my life, it was necessary. I had to make sure I knew the potential outcomes of every step I made before I made them. Now, the constant barrage of analyzing thoughts can be overwhelming.

The delicious smell of my BLT wafts into my face, making my mouth water. I glance at Levi; a BLT and chicken noodle soup sit in front of him, as well.

“Copycat.”

Levi’s head whips up at my quip. A grin stretches across his face when he notices we’ve ordered the same thing. “I’m pretty sure I was here before you. Doesn’t that make you the copycat?”

“Nope.” I pick up my sandwich, dip it in the soup broth, and take a bite. Damn, so good.

Levi stares at me for a few seconds before shaking his head, a chuckle falling from his lips. “Sunrise or sunset?”

I swallow my bite before I answer. “Sunrise. It signals the beginning of a new day and a new opportunity to live the life you want.” I reply, a little thrown off by the randomness of his question.

“But sunsets are when the fun begins.”

“You can’t have fun in the morning?” I lift my brow in objection, causing Levi’s grin to widen.

“Touché. Salty or sweet?” he continues.

“Salty.”

“No way! You’d choose chips over ice cream?”

“Every day.” A laugh bursts from me at his look of indignation.

“Take out or dine in?”

“Depends on the situation. I don’t mind eating out alone.”

A look of teasing humor crosses Levi’s face as he raises an eyebrow. I play back my words, realizing the unintentional innuendo I said. I groan, pushing my hands into my face. Levi’s boisterous laugh has me giggling with him. Despite how heated my face is, I meet his smiling gaze .

“Your laugh brightens everything around you,” he says, and my smile dims at his observation.

“I’ve never had much to laugh about.”

“Why?”

“Life has very rarely been kind to me.” My eyes widen at my unexpected honesty. There’s something about Levi that makes me feel so incredibly comfortable. Almost safe.

“I’m sorry you’ve had that experience.”

“Dogs or cats?”

Levi pauses at my quick change of subject but nods his head in understanding. “Dogs.”

“We finally agree.” I grin. Levi’s phone starts ringing, interrupting our conversation. He answers as soon as he reads the caller ID, an apologetic look in his eyes.

“Hey, Mom.” He pauses, listening for a minute. It’s always a little weird to be on one side of a conversation, having no idea what the other person is saying.

“Sure, I can be there,” Levi says, then hangs up after saying goodbye.

“Sorry, it’s usually best to answer Mom when she’s calling instead of putting her off.”

“I can absolutely see that about her.” Ignoring Alice Jackson seems like it would be a terrible idea. My phone starts ringing, and a laugh pops out of my mouth when I see who’s calling.

I hold my phone to show Levi, and he laughs, as well. “Hello, Mrs. Jackson,” I answer.

“Hi, sweet Hope. I am calling to invite you to dinner. Does Tuesday work for you?”

Surprised by both the invitation and the demand, I pause before answering. Glancing at Levi, his smirk tells me he knows exactly what I’m dealing with right now. “Um, sure. Tuesday is fine.”

“Great! I will send you our address. Talk to you later, dear. ”

I realize she hung up before I could respond, which shouldn’t be a surprise. Claire was right, she definitely used my phone number.

“So, I’ll see you at dinner on Tuesday?”

“How did you—”

“She invited me to the same dinner. More than likely, Cooper and Quinn, as well.”

“Right. That makes more sense than you being a mind reader.”

Levi laughs. “Not a mind reader, but I wish I could be sometimes.” His gaze is intense as if he’s trying to do it now. Thank God, he truly can’t.

“I should go,” I say, standing from the table and gathering my trash. I need to step away from this insane pull I feel and attempt to organize the swirling thoughts running through my head. My brain is telling me to protect myself just in case I’m wrong about Levi. To stay far away from the potential danger, but my heart is longing for the deeper connections I’ve read about. The one where you can’t get enough of the other person, no matter how much time you spend together. It’s absurd and absolutely perilous to be feeling this way, but I can’t help the need that’s suddenly taken root.

It seems fate is going to make it harder to resist the temptation, as well. Between the random run-ins and Alice Jackson, I believe I’ll be seeing Levi around a lot more frequently.

Whether I want to or not.