11. Hope
11
HOPE
“ Y ou can do this. You know everyone who will be there. There’s no reason to be nervous.” A deep sigh falls from my chest.
And now, I’m talking to myself. I hate how my fear of the unknown creates this unsettled feeling in my gut. Logically, I know there’s no reason to still have a fear of uncertainty, but it’s been something I’ve lived with for so long, it’s hard to stop despite how much work I’ve put into doing just that.
Being nervous about going to dinner at the Jacksons’ house feels silly. Cooper and Quinn have started to become friends, and Alice, while a force to be reckoned with, is a truly genuine person. They’re great people who have never given me any reason to feel this way, but the voice in my head keeps whispering for me to be careful. Don’t be seen. Don’t be heard. The mantra I’ve repeated every day since my grandmother died plays over and over in my head. Even though I don’t have to live my life afraid anymore, the instinct is still ingrained in me. It’ll be a long time before I’m able to completely relax in my new life.
I sort through my closet, attempting to find something appropriate to wear. T-shirts are my comfort zone, and I wear them every single day. I rarely have a reason to wear anything else, so my wardrobe lacks anything nice for an event like this. Maybe a shopping trip to get some new clothes would be helpful. Especially now that I have the closet space.
Pushing through my nerves, I send pictures of the two shirts I’m debating on to Quinn. She’s been texting me regularly since I moved into the house. Mostly checking on me, making sure I’m settling in okay. She’s been so incredibly kind. If I could come out of my shell a little bit, she could become a good friend.
Me texting her first this time is a step in the right direction. I hope.
Me : I can’t decide what to wear to dinner. Thoughts?
To my surprise, she responds right away.
Quinn: The green one. It’ll look beautiful against your skin.
Me: Thank you. I’m nervous.
Quinn: You have nothing to worry about. I was nervous for my first dinner, too, but the Jacksons are incredibly welcoming and kind.
Me: Thanks for your help.
Quinn: Anytime! See you soon!
With another deep breath, I take Quinn’s advice and put on the green blouse. It’s a little bohemian with flowy three-quarter sleeves and a V-neck with strings hanging down the front. I slip on a pair of skinny jeans to complete the look, knowing it’s not much, but with Quinn’s endorsement, I’m feeling much better about my choices.
I head downstairs to gather my things. This will be the first get-together I’ve been to since I moved to Sonoma. I’m sure I missed out on some connections I could’ve made when I first arrived, but I wasn't in any state to make them. I was unsettled, afraid, and constantly worried about my ability to hold myself together.
There were so many things I needed to be in control of before I attempted to make friends. Not only in my own head but also in my store. It took every ounce of determination I had to get the place ready for customers. Now that I feel slightly more in control—along with some serious pushing from my therapist—I’m finally feeling ready. Having lunch with Levi and hanging out with Quinn and Cooper while I moved also allowed me to realize how lonely I’d started to become. This dinner will be the perfect first step in putting myself out there.
Walking out to my car, I take another deep breath to settle my nerves. This could be a really great chance for me to get out of my comfort zone. I’ll have a chance to talk with Quinn a little more, maybe even attempt to become better friends. I can socialize with people outside of my store in a safe place with people I trust. It’s going to be good. I’ll just have to watch out for Levi and the crazy pull I feel toward him.
I’ve never experienced something so intense before. Every time I’m next to him, a deep part of me feels safe, comfortable. It’s a ludicrous feeling, as well as potentially dangerous.
No man has ever been safe for me. Plus, what are the odds he’d be interested in dating me when he most likely has several other options waiting in line? Taking a chance on Levi being different would be monumentally stupid. Deep down, I know it’s the truth, even if I’m a little disappointed with my decision.
I use the time it takes to drive out to the Jacksons’ house to shore up my wacky feelings for Levi. “Nothing can happen. Even if I want it to... which, I don’t. I don’t. ”
I roll my eyes. I’m talking to myself again. Can I get any crazier?
I pull into the driveway of a beautiful two-story farmhouse with a welcoming red door. As dusk settles in, the lights shine through the windows, creating a warm, inviting look to the house. I grab the flowers I made earlier today and walk up to the front door, knocking swiftly against the wood.
My breath hitches when I see Levi standing on the other side, a wide smile planted on his face. His gray T-shirt pulls tight across his chest, highlighting his muscles, while his tight jeans make him look casual and comfortable. He looks yummy standing there.
So much for not being affected by him.
Why does he have to do this to me? Why can’t I ignore him like I’ve ignored every other man who has attempted to talk to me? What is it that makes him so different? I wish I had the answers to those questions. All I have instead is a fading resistance to this larger-than-life man.
He beckons me inside the house with a jerk of his head. Stepping into the small entryway has us standing unusually close to each other. The buzz in my body at his nearness is alarming. Heat moves through me as his scent invades my senses. He smells like cinnamon spice and a warmth I want to curl up to.
I look into his golden-brown eyes, and the impact almost knocks me over. The intensity I see in them is spellbinding. I divert my gaze, stepping further into the hallway to break the contact. My resolve is deteriorating at a rapid pace. The chemistry between us is almost too strong to resist. What if it’s one-sided? He did make it seem like he already has someone in his life. What if he doesn’t feel the same things I’m feeling?
I hate my brain sometimes.
I turn to take in the house, forcing my thoughts to stop spiraling. There’s a staircase to my right and a wide doorway to my left that leads into the living room and dining room. Alice comes around the corner from the dining room, walking directly toward me.
“I’m so glad you made it!” She pulls me in for a hug while I stiffly stand there, wishing I could handle these things better.
“Thanks for inviting me, Mrs. Jackson.”
“Call me Alice, please,” she says, pulling away from the hug but keeping her arm wrapped around me. As the shock wears off, the loving embrace feels kind of nice. I guess that’s one way to start being okay with touch again. Constant exposure.
Alice guides me through the dining room into a beautifully decorated kitchen with gray countertops and white cabinets. Levi follows closely behind us, staying quiet as his mom tells me all about the dinner she’s making.
“I thought a nice roast sounded good. With summer around the corner, it’s going to start getting too warm to have the oven going for hours.”
“I love the summertime. I’m starting to get some of my favorite flowers in at the shop. I actually made these for you.” I hand Alice the bouquet.
“Oh, your summer bouquets are always so pretty. Thank you!” She takes the flowers around the large island in the middle of the kitchen and grabs a vase from under a cabinet. “Please, have a seat; chat with me while I finish up dinner.”
I sit down in the chair at the island while Levi pulls out the chair next to mine. I feel as if we’re on top of each other, but he’s several inches away. His imposing presence radiates off him, surrounding me in his orbit.
“So, how are you settling into the house?” Alice asks, placing the flowers in a vase, then on the counter next to the sink.
“I’ve been settling in nicely. It took a bit to get used to the size, but I love it.”
“Hope’s old apartment was tiny. Made for easy moving, though,” Levi adds.
“I’m glad you were able to help, Levi. This one works so much, I worried he wouldn’t be able to make time.” Alice jabs her thumb at Levi, making me laugh.
“Of course, I was going to make time.” Levi rolls his eyes.
“Well, I never know with you.” Alice huffs as only a mother could. Watching their dynamic makes me smile while also filling me with a small sense of sadness. I never got the chance to know my mother. She died giving birth to me, and my grandmother raised me instead. At least, for a while. Then I had to live with my father, who acted more like a prison guard than a parent.
“Anyway, Hope, do you have any weddings coming up?”
“Thankfully, no. They are a huge time commitment for a little shop like mine.”
“I can only imagine. All those centerpieces to make by yourself.”
“Is supper ready yet?” a booming voice asks, coming around the corner. It makes me jump a little in surprise. I’m assuming this is Rob, Levi’s dad, because he looks exactly like Cooper, only with a few gray hairs and laugh lines around his eyes. Levi looks a lot like his dad but has enough of his mom not to be identical.
“Just about, dear,” Alice responds, leaning in to kiss his cheek.
“You’re not one of mine.” Rob looks at me with a friendly smile .
“This is Hope. She owns Blooming Beautiful.”
“So, you’re the one who’s been filling my house with beautiful flowers. It’s nice to meet you.” He grins.
“Guilty. It’s nice to meet you, too.”
“Hey, guys!” Cooper’s voice matches his dad’s boom as he and Quinn step into the kitchen. I’m glad they’re finally here. Having a few extra people will help take the focus off me. Hugs are given out before Alice asks the boys to set the table. Quinn and I help get drinks together while Alice grabs up the serving dishes.
We all make our way to the dining room; Quinn and Cooper sit on one side of the table, Levi on the other, and Rob and Alice at each end, which leaves only one chair left for me.
Right next to Levi.
If I hadn’t been through worse, this would probably rank up there with one of the most stressful nights I’ve been through.
The smell of him alone is enough to drive me crazy. Having to sit within touching distance is going to test every ounce of self-control I have.