6. Caleb
Chapter 6
Caleb
R aine .
My child.
My daughter.
She’s stunning. Breathtaking. An angel on Earth .
Peeking over a fence at her didn’t have nearly the same impact as staring into her big, blue eyes from a short fifteen yards away, even if it’s only through a screen door. I feel like I could topple over from the torrent of euphoria flooding me.
She’s staring at me. Not replying to my greeting. So, I try again.
“Hi, Raine. I’m?—"
Without warning, Raine scampers away from the screen, shrieking like she’s seen a velociraptor.
“Nice,” Aubrey hisses. “You scared her to death.”
“By saying hello?”
“While looking like the Grim Reaper! She’s not used to men, Caleb. She’s only met two in her life, other than doctors: my father and Claudia’s ex. And neither of those guys are covered in tattoos all over their neck and arms.” Aubrey crosses her arms over her chest defiantly, and I can’t help thinking it’s a good look for her. Defiance . Although, honestly, I’m beginning to think there’s not an expression in Aubrey’s repertoire that could possibly be a bad look for her. Up close and standing still, she’s even hotter than I realized while watching her in motion from afar.
“You don’t need to go to her?” I ask, motioning toward the screen door.
“I can hear her singing in there. That means she’s okay and probably playing with her dolls.”
I shift my weight. “Okay, so . . . if she’s good now, let’s go in.”
Aubrey shakes her head. “Let’s give her a few minutes to process.”
I close my eyes, begging the universe for patience. When I open them, Aubrey looks brazenly disdainful of me. “How long was Claudia with her ex?”
Aubrey scowls. “Why do you care?”
“Just wondering if he was good with Raine.” I’ve got no grounds to feel jealous or protective about another man possibly getting close to my kid, but it’s what I’m feeling, nonetheless. If this ex of Claudia’s treated my daughter like anything other than a princess, I’ll hunt him down and give him some free dental work.
“Ricky was fine with her. Not amazing, not terrible. He’s irrelevant. All I’m saying is you’ve got your work cut out for you, if you’re serious about becoming a real daddy to Raine because . . .”
I don’t hear the rest. Once Aubrey said the word daddy, my brain short-circuited. Holy shit. It didn’t occur to me Raine might call me daddy one day. But now that Aubrey’s used the word, it’s all I want. The ultimate goal before this forced month in Prairie Springs is done .
After finishing her rant, whatever it was, Aubrey sighs and says, “I’ll go check on her now. Wait here, and I’ll call you when it’s a good time to come in.” She turns to leave but abruptly stops on the porch. “When you say hello to her again, this time smile at her, for fuck’s sake.”
“I smiled before.”
“No, you grimaced like you were about to turn into The Hulk.”
I force a smile. “Better?”
Aubrey shudders. “No, that’s horrifying. Never mind. The grimace was less scary.”
As I roll my eyes, Aubrey swings open the screen door and disappears into the house.
I fidget as I stand and wait for Aubrey to call me inside for what feels like a lifetime. But finally, she calls my name and I head into the house. Once in the living room, I find Aubrey sitting on a couch, its back covered with a crocheted blanket, with my tiny daughter in her lap.
“See?” Aubrey says to Raine, her temple resting on Raine’s head while looking at me. “Mommy’s good friend Caleb is just a normal, nice man with silly scribbles all over his body and funny hair all over his face. Isn’t he silly and funny?”
Aubrey fake laughs, and my little daughter joins her nervously, but even as Raine laughs, she’s gripping Aubrey with her tiny, splayed fingers like a lifeline.
“Caleb, did you get into Raine’s box of markers and draw all over yourself, you naughty boy?” Aubrey asks breezily. “If you did, that’s not allowed. Is it, Rainey?”
Raine shakes her head.
“Remember when you did that, Pooh Bear?” Aubrey coos, poking Raine’s belly playfully. “Remember how Mommy laughed and gave you a bubble bath? ”
Raine frowns. “Mommy said, ‘You not allowed do dat, Rainey.”
“She did say that, but gently. Mommy wasn’t mad at you, Boo. Mommy thought everything you did was the cutest, funniest thing, ever. She loved you so, so much.” Aubrey chokes on her last few words, causing her to stop and inhale deeply before starting again. “Remember Sully in Monsters, Inc. ? Caleb is like him. He looks scary and big, but he’s really silly and funny.”
As Raine considers this new bit of information, I make a mental note to watch Monsters, Inc. , as soon as possible.
“Can you say hi to him?” Aubrey prompts softly, poking Raine’s belly again.
Much to my thrill, Raine waves shyly at me and squeaks out the tiniest, “Hi.”
That’s it. Put a fork in me, I’m done. My heart is a puddle. My fate sealed. Come hell or high water, no matter what it takes, I’m going to do whatever it takes to become the father this cutie pie deserves, so I can hear her calling me “Daddy,” as soon as possible.
“Hi, Raine,” I reply softly, even though I want to scream it out of excitement. “I’m Caleb.”
“Say, ‘Hi, Caleb!’” Aubrey prompts cheerfully.
“Hi, Coobie.”
Aubrey and I exchange a small smile at her adorable pronunciation. Aubrey’s grin wasn’t a wide one, like mine, by any stretch, but it nonetheless feels like progress.
Aubrey calls to me, “Hey, Caleb, what’s all that scribbling on your skin? Did you do that with markers?”
My heart is pounding. “No, they’re tattoos. Body art that never goes away.”
“Never?” Aubrey whispers. “Did you hear that, Pooh Bear? ”
“ Never ?” Raine whispers, looking up at Aubrey with astonishment.
“Ask him.”
Raine shakes her head, so Aubrey presses forward.
“Only adults are allowed to get tattoos, right, Coobie?”
I look at Aubrey like, You’re not seriously going to adopt that nickname for me, are you? And Aubrey smirks her reply. Clearly, yes, she is.
“Yeah, that’s right,” I say to Raine. “Tattoos are only for adults, since they never go away.”
“Can you say tattoos, Pooh Bear?”
“Tatta.”
“That’s right,” Aubrey says, giggling. “How about body art?”
“Bobba art.”
Aubrey chuckles again, as I bite back a smile.
“Perfect,” Aubrey coos with a kiss to Raine’s head. “Good job.”
Feeling emboldened, I hold up my arms and interject, “Yup. No bubble bath in the world will take any of these bad boys off. That’s why I had to be sure I loved every single one.” It suddenly occurs to me I’ll need to find room on my body for Raine’s name somewhere, once I get back to LA and get with my usual guy. I’m pretty much out of real estate on my skin at this point, but I’m sure he’ll figure something out.
“Guess what?” Aubrey says, drawing me out of my thoughts. “Caleb doesn’t know how to color in a coloring book!”
“I know how!” Raine blurts, like it’s a crazy coincidence.
“Maybe you can be a good friend to Coobie and teach him how.”
Damn, she’s good . I was already hell-bent on hiring Aubrey as Raine’s nanny, out of convenience and continuity. But now that I’ve seen Aubrey in action with my daughter, I bet I would have hired her, regardless, even if she were a total stranger applying for the job and using this interaction as her interview.
“I teach?” Raine asks Aubrey.
“I bet Caleb would really like that. Why don’t you ask him to find out.”
“I’d love to be your student, Raine,” I say eagerly. Too eagerly, probably, given the scowl on Aubrey’s face.
“ Let her ask you ,” Aubrey scolds quietly.
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Go on, Pooh Bear. Ask him.”
Raine levels me with the two most beautiful eyes ever created in the history of eyeballs. “I teach?”
“Yes, please. I’d love that. Very much. Thank you.”
With a determined little nod, Raine slides off Aubrey’s lap and sprints out of the room, presumably to get the tools of her trade.
“She’s so predictable,” Aubrey says with a soft chuckle. “Teaching and coloring: the two best ways to her heart. Pancakes, too. That’s the trifecta.” She makes a face that plainly says, All of which you’d have known if you’d bothered to meet your child before today.
I exhale. “Can we please just turn the page and—" I stop talking and slap a smile on my face when Raine returns to the room, excitedly carrying a box of crayons and a coloring book.
In the cutest voice ever, she commands me to sit on the floor next to her for my first lesson. So, of course, I comply, as butterflies ravage my stomach. Once we’re situated on the carpet, Raine proceeds to open a coloring book and babble happily, frequently in words I can’t understand, as she shows me the do’s and don’ts of creating a colorful masterpiece.
“Okay, I think I understand,” I say. And to my delight, she hands me a crayon and motions to the page before us.
“We do togedder,” she announces with authority. And a moment later, we’re jointly working on coloring a page featuring a mouse in a ballgown who’s throwing a lavish tea party for a big group of her forest-critter friends.
As I color on the floor next to Raine, I feel intoxicated by her. By the flowery scent of her shiny hair. By the fact that her little fingernails are the same shape as mine and my mother’s. I can’t help smiling at every tiny squeak of pride she makes in her student’s progress, every little grunt as she works on her own art. The buzz I’m feeling right now is better than any drug or booze. It’s better than playing a show for thousands. Better than winning a Grammy. Better than banging on my drums or riding my motorcycle up PCH on a perfect California day.
When I make a mistake of some kind, according to Raine, she touches my hand to correct me; and when I feel my daughter’s tiny touch, I’m flooded with an intense sensation of love and protectiveness that shocks me to my core. The sensation is so overwhelming, in fact, I quickly bow my head and pretend to be furiously concentrating on my work to hide the moisture forming in my eyes.
With my head still bowed, I say a little prayer. Please, let my mother see this moment .
I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife. I go back and forth on that. But in this moment, I desperately need to believe in one, for the sake of my soul. To be able to forgive myself for fucking things up, so badly. To be able to get a good’s night sleep, ever again. Being here now, I understand how profoundly I’ve fucked up in the past. Not only in relation to my mother, but in relation to myself.
“Dat good!” Raine says brightly, patting my hand. “Good job, Coobie!”
I’m forced to look up before I’m ready to do it—when I’ve still got tears in my eyes. Fuck me. Aubrey is clocking my tears. In fact, the second her eyes meet mine, tears spring into her dark eyes, too.
I hang my head again, feeling embarrassed. And before another word is exchanged, the sound of the front screen thwapping draws my attention, and an older man and woman enter the house, with the man on crutches.
“How’d it go at the doctor?” Aubrey calls out, as I covertly wipe my eyes and take a deep breath to get ahold of myself.
“It’s gonna be a long haul, Shortcake,” the man on crutches replies, before coming to a stop alongside his wife in the entryway to the living room.
“Hello,” the woman says tentatively. She stares at me with deep confusion on her face before turning to Aubrey for an explanation.
Aubrey motions to me. “Mom, Dad, this is Claudia’s good friend, Caleb. He came over to learn how to color with Raine.”
“Hi,” I say feebly, getting up from the floor.
“Claudia’s good friend?” Aubrey’s mother echoes, looking even more confused.
I shake Aubrey’s parents’ hands. But when I start to explain my presence, Aubrey immediately stops me with an authoritative wave of her hand.
“Continue your coloring lesson with Raine,” she commands. “While I talk to my parents in the kitchen.” Aubrey smiles at Raine. “We’ll be right back, Rainey. ”
“Mm hm,” Raine says absently, while coloring up a storm.
With my heart pounding in my ears, I watch Aubrey and her parents head into the adjacent kitchen, all of them moving at Aubrey’s father’s slow pace. But just before the trio disappears into the next room, Aubrey’s father blurts, “I swear to God that guy looks exactly like the drummer for Red Card Riot!”