Chapter 19
I ’m in over my head.
I was stupid to think I could just … fix her.
She’s never going to be herself again, and yet I continue lying to her, telling her that she will be.
I can’t get rid of the thoughts that constantly run through my mind when it comes to the woman I love. I’m normally the joker on the team, yet all I do is worry about her day in and day out.
Three nights ago, she begged me to fuck her, and against my better judgment, I did. I couldn’t say no to her, even though I knew it wasn’t right because of the state she was in. For a few moments, I thought everything really could be okay. There was a light in her eyes that I hadn’t seen much of anymore, and I guess I just let hope take over, thinking that maybe all we needed was each other.
The truth is though … when it comes to Gemma and her trauma, I’m swimming in the deep end, and I don’t even have business being on the fucking splash pad.
Since then, I’ve fucked her, or she’s sucked my dick, or I’ve eaten her pussy because she asks. No, she begs. I want something deeper with her, and she’s using me for my cock. But I’ve given in because I don’t want to say no to her when she’s in pain and she needs me.
I don’t know anything about healing from abusive relationships. Still, I’ve researched enough to know that Gemma instantly jumping into something with me or using sex to heal herself probably isn’t the answer.
Every now and then, she’ll smile at me, and I’ll get a glimpse of the girl I knew when I was eighteen. But when we fuck, she’s a robot. She takes what she needs, and if I don’t give it to her, she demands it.
It’s almost like she’s on autopilot. I know she’s inside of there, but, fuck, I miss her so much. I miss her laugh the most and how she almost wheezes when she thinks something is really funny.
I miss everything.
“Dude, it’s been, like, a week since you played a prank on the team, and everyone’s concerned,” Ryder says, skating beside me as practice comes to an end. “Talk to me, brother. What’s going on?”
Gemma’s story isn’t mine to tell, and I’ve already spilled enough about it to Kolt. I can tell the guys on the team are confused about the entire thing. I went from being single to having a “girlfriend” who lives with me.
Doesn’t seem so fake anymore though. Just seems … complicated as fuck.
“Agreed,” Tripp calls from behind us. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s been nice. Now, we only have to deal with Sterns’s dad jokes. But, yeah, it’s weird, not having a fake doctor’s prescription for crab medication show up in my locker or a phone call from an angry dude saying I hit his car.” He skates beside me, smacking my arm. “Worried about you, Sawyer. You all good?”
“I’m good,” I say, continuing to skate forward. “What about you, Talmage? You’re the one who’s been taking off randomly. I’ve heard the whispers, you know.”
When I look over at him, his expression tightens.
“What kind of whispers?” he grumbles.
“I heard you’re banging a smoking-hot widow.” Ryder grins. “I heard she’s got, like, seven kids or something.”
“I heard she has six.” I shrug. “I heard he’s going to coach her son’s hockey team too.”
Tripp reminds me the most of Kolt, which means we’re likely not getting shit out of him. So, when he skates past us, I’m not surprised.
What shocks me is when he calls over his shoulder, “She only has three kids. Nice try though.”
As he exits the ice, Ryder grips my shoulder and shakes me. “Oh shit! Trippy is now Daddy Trippy! But a widow? That’s kinda hot.”
“I know,” I agree. “Why is that Garth Brooks song suddenly coming into my head?”
“Fuck yes! I bet she’s feeling the thunder all right.” He smirks. “Good for Tripp. I’m happy for him.”
Stopping on the edge of the ice, I swing my gaze toward his and narrow my eyes. “Oh, by the way, what the fuck is going on with you and my sister?” I bark out. “You two act fucking weird around each other. Did something happen?”
He knows my rule. After the way one of our teammates—now an ex, thankfully, after he got traded to another team—recently treated Saylor, I don’t want anyone who shares the ice with me dating her. It caused way too much chaos in my life, and I’m not dealing with that again.
And Ryder is well aware of this.
He’s suddenly edgy, making me question everything with him and Saylor even more, but then he plasters on his usual charming demeanor and looks at me like I’ve got two heads.
“What are you talking about?” He snorts. “What the fuck do you think is going on with me and your sister? You know she’s never liked me.”
My eyes narrow. “Yeah, and why is that?”
“Shit if I know!” He laughs, smacking my back. “Don’t be trying to change the subject from you though, Sawyer. I asked you what was going on, and you dodged the question, making it about Tripp and his lonely widow.”
“We don’t even know if she’s lonely,” I point out. “And now that she’s got Tripp, she certainly isn’t.”
“Stop deflecting, asshole,” he utters. “What’s going on with you?”
I throw my head back and pull my helmet off. The thing about Ryder is, he always knows when something is going on with me. Usually, I can say the same about him. Even though I know something is weird between my best friend and my little sister, I don’t know exactly what it is because I’ve been so invested in Gemma.
“I’ll tell you more when I can, all right?” I sigh.
“Tell me this—you and that girl really faking it?” he asks, seeing right through me. “Because it looks pretty real to me.”
“I gotta go,” I mumble. “See you tomorrow.”
I skate off, but not before he calls from behind me, “You headed to Frank’s, brother?”
I hold my middle finger up because I don’t go around telling people that I go to Frank’s bakery and buy a bunch of doughnuts and hang out with homeless people. It would look like a publicity stunt, and that’s the last thing it is.
“Fuck off,” I call out, knowing Ryder is just busting my balls .
He does shit for the community all the time, and just like me with my damn doughnuts, he doesn’t want people to talk about it. We aren’t heroes. Shit, I’m not even that noble of a man. I got lucky, and now, I get paid to do what I love. The least I can do is provide some overpriced doughnuts to people.
I walk next to Paige on the sidewalk, passing the other houses on the street, with Storm tugging on the leash. She and Kolt live in the same subdivision as Smith, and each of their houses has a gate at the end of their driveway to keep predators and superfans out. Since they live at the completely other end of it, Paige drove to Smith’s, and we took our walk from his house. It’s nice to get out of the house because, lately, I’ve felt like the walls are closing in.
I know using sex and orgasms to numb my pain isn’t working, but when it’s happening … it helps me to shut everything else out. So, I push myself on Smith, knowing he’ll never tell me no.
We’ve been sharing a bed since we got back from Tampa. Every night, I reach for him, and with just one look … he knows what I need.
“I dare to say, Storm is your dog now.” Paige laughs, and Storm’s tail wags at the mention of his name. “He loves you.”
“He’s a good boy,” I say, smiling. “We get each other, I guess.”
“Is that a good thing?” She turns her head toward me, seeming regretful. “Sorry, babe. I hope that wasn’t rude. I just … I spent the past few years of my life suffering inside, yet not wanting to show anyone that I was in pain. My whole life, I’d wanted to be everybody’s ray of sunshine, and one day, I just snapped. The truth is, that’s not sustainable. We can’t always just live for others.” She pats my arm. “I don’t want anyone I care about to feel that way, and I hope you know I’m here for you and you can talk to me.”
I feel like I’d be cheating on my best friend if I talked to anyone else in depth about the things that kept me up at night. Saylor is my ride or die, and even she doesn’t know everything. And Smith—that man has turned his life upside down and knows the bare minimum, simply because I can’t stand the thought of how he’d look at me if he knew the whole truth.
But with Paige, it’s different because I haven’t known her forever. She didn’t know me when I was at my very best, and I guess that makes me feel more comfortable with opening up to her about the dark shit.
“The other day, you and Poppy asked me what had brought me back to Maine, and I lied and said I’d moved back to be closer to my family.” I can’t bear to look at her, so I just stare straight ahead and let Storm lead the way. “The truth is, my ex-fiancé, Richie, was a very bad man, and I fled California to get away from him.”
“The bruise and cut on your face at Friendsgiving … those weren’t from a car accident, were they?” Her voice grows heavy with emotion.
“No,” I utter. “Now, I’m here, but I still don’t feel like I’m where I am supposed to be. No matter what I do or where I go, it’s like I’m lost. It’s like he stripped away every single thing that brought me joy. My only saving grace is Smith—who, by the way, is fake dating me because he thinks it’ll keep me safe from Richie—and yet I continue to keep him at arm’s length because I know I’m not good enough for him.”
“Do you think that because … you were told that?” she whispers. “Did your ex-fiancé tell you that you weren’t good enough?”
“That was probably one of the nicer things he said.” I attempt to laugh it off, but it comes out strained. “I just don’t want to be stuck like this forever. Feeling like this.”
“And you won’t,” she says truthfully. She stops in her tracks and grabs my hand. “Do you love Smith? Or is it all just for show and safety?”
“I have loved him since I was in second grade.”
The moment the words are out there, she smiles.
“But up here just isn’t right anymore.” I point to my temple, tears filling my eyes. “And he deserves someone whole and … normal.”
“Nobody is whole—that’s unrealistic. And I promise, no one wants to be normal, Gemma.” She smiles, squeezing my hand. “Normal is boring.”
Something about Paige warms my soul and brings me peace. She’s calm and sweet, careful with her words, and a total empath.
Squeezing her hand back, I release it and wipe my eyes. “Enough about me. It’s time to talk about you. ”
She grows nervous but shrugs, her lips turning up. “What do you want to know?”
“Anything,” I say honestly. “I just told you my deep, dark secret. Now, it’s your turn.”
Taking a breath, she pushes her shoulders back, and we begin walking again.
“All right, fair is fair.” She tucks her blonde hair behind her ear and sighs. “I’m sure you heard me and Poppy talking in Tampa, and it’s no secret or anything, but … Kolt and I tried to have a baby for years, and I let it take over my entire life. In turn, it led us to separate for a year and a half.” She swallows. “I recognize the look on your face and the fake smile on your lips. You’re exhausted, yet you want everyone to think you’re great. I’ve always been the same way.” She nudges my side. “It’s our people-pleasing little hearts, I suppose.”
I let her words sink in. Even though I was already aware of a lot of what she told me, it’s different, hearing it directly from her when it’s only us talking.
“But now? I mean, you’re back. And you and Kolt seem stronger than ever.”
I tuck my hands into my coat pockets, pulling the leash along with it. December in Maine could be worse, but the wind today is damn cold on my exposed skin.
“We’re figuring it out together. I’m trying to just … go with the flow—even though, you’ll find out, I am not that sort of girl. At all.” She shrugs her slender shoulders. “I don’t know what life has in store for Kolt and me, but after all we’ve been through, I just know I want us to be together for it.”
Tears fill my eyes because what a beautiful, big love they share.
I stop and throw my arms around her. “Thank you, Paige.”
“For what, babe?” she says against my shoulder, hugging me back.
“For reminding me that I’m not the only one going through some shit. And that I need to stop acting like I am.” I give her one last squeeze before pulling back, keeping my hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eye. “I hope every dream you and Kolt have comes true because if anyone deserves a fairy tale … it’s you, my friend.”
Her lashes are soon soaked as tears roll from her eyes. “Now, you’re making me cry.” She sniffles. “And it’s cold out today; my lashes are totally going to freeze.”
We both laugh. Even though I was devastated when Saylor left because I thought I was losing the only friend I had, I’ve gained friends from the Sharks family. And they really are one in a million.
“You know, I can see why you love him,” she adds. “Did you know, weekly, he goes to a local bakery, buys out their entire selection, and takes it to the homeless shelter?” Her eyes widen, and she beams. “Not only that, but he actually sits with the people and chats with them. And he does it all, hoping that word doesn’t get out. He doesn’t do it for publicity. He does it because he wants to.”
“What?” I whisper, shaking my head.
She nods. “Pretty great, huh? So many of the Sharks do wonderful things, but don’t want the world to find out. Really shows their character, if you ask me.”
“Yeah,” I say, still surprised. “It really does.”
It isn’t that I don’t think Smith is capable of things like that. I guess I just didn’t realize just how much he’s grown up since he left Wellton. But he’s a whole adult now. A good one too.
As Paige, Storm, and I make our way back toward Smith’s house, I think about everything she and I talked about today. I realize the only person who can control how my story goes from here on out is me. I can’t sit around and cry my life away and make excuses. If I want to get better, I need to be better. I need to show up for myself.
And that’s what I’m going to do.