Chapter 20
I sit in the kitchen, waiting patiently for Gemma to get off the phone. I don’t want to rush her because she’s talking to her mom. Judging from what I might have overheard, I think her dad might have gotten good news at his appointment today.
I want to take her to dinner tonight or order in—she can decide. No matter what though, I want to voice my concerns and explain to her how much I care. It’s not an intervention, but just me proving that whatever she needs, I’ll be here to help.
She’s been spending more time with her new friends, and I think that’s been really good for her. Yesterday, she went for a walk with Paige, which is great and all, but Paige told her my secret about me and my doughnut giving, and then Gemma asked me about it with stars in her eyes, looking at me in a way she used to—for a split second. It was time for her to know. I just hadn’t told her because I didn’t want it to come out like I was bragging. Either way, I’m glad that she’s got some close friends, even if they do blurt out my secrets.
This morning, she, Maci, and Paige went to get pedicures and breakfast. I know she misses my sister, but I’m glad she’s found her place among the true MVPs of the Shark family—the wives.
I hope she can be in that group one day. Right now, it’s like every day is the movie Groundhog Day . I never know what it’ll bring, but it always ends up being the same. But someday, I hope she’s healed enough to give me a shot.
“Love you too. Bye,” she says cheerfully.
Soon, I hear her footsteps heading down the hallway. Storm’s tail begins to wag before he jumps up to meet her just as she walks into the kitchen.
“I just talked to my mom. Remember how I told you they went to Boston last week for Dad’s scans and bloodwork?”
“Yeah,” I say, quickly shooting out of the chair to walk to her. “What did he find out, Firefly?”
“The chemo and radiation are doing what they’re supposed to be doing, and his tumors have shrunk significantly,” she says, damn near sobbing.
Then, her entire face lights up, right to her eyes. Her cheeks swell with happiness, and my heart fucking explodes with joy just at the sight alone.
For a moment, I see the girl I knew before. Before the world took all of her happiness away.
I slide my hands to her waist and lift her up, making her squeal and wrap her arms around my neck.
“Gem, that’s amazing!” I kiss the top of her head over and over again.
“I know!” She moves her hands upward so that they rest on the sides of my face. “I’ve been so angry with him for what he did to us. But I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.” She brings her face closer, her eyes dancing between mine.
I want to kiss her so fucking bad, but I don’t know if it would be the right thing to do. The only time she seems to want to be intimate is during sex. Before I can think about it much more, she kisses me.
I slide my hand to her cheek, kissing her before I pull back.
“Gem, I love kissing you. I’d kiss you all day, every day, if I could.” I keep my arms wrapped around her body. “But I don’t want to ever take advantage of the state you’re in or for you to feel like I am.”
I don’t know what I expect her reaction to be—besides maybe rolling her eyes or telling me she’s fine. That seems to be her thing—downplaying everything, even when it’s obvious to everyone around her that she’s not all right.
Instead of any of that, she quickly presses her lips against mine again.
“I told you I loved you a few nights before you left Maine, when I was just seventeen and you were eighteen. You didn’t say it back, and that’s okay.” She blurts the words out.
I stare at her in complete confusion, wondering why she’s bringing this all up now .
“But I meant it when I said it. And I mean it now too.” She dips her forehead to mine. “I love you. I loved you when we were scrawny kids. I loved you when we were awkward, immature teenagers. I loved you the night we got too drunk and slept together. And I love you now, as a mature, grown man who has truly become the best version of himself. Being patient with me and becoming a goddamn doughnut-giving angel.” She sniffles through a laugh. “I have loved every single form of you, Smith Sawyer. And I always will.” More tears well in her pretty blue eyes. “Even in the times when I told myself I hated you, I knew I never could.”
One of my biggest regrets is not saying it back and leaving her to believe I didn’t love her all those years ago.
“I didn’t say it back that night because—” I start to plead my case, to tell her the truth about what stopped me, but she cuts me off.
“It’s okay, Smith,” she whispers quickly, looking down. “It’s okay that you didn’t feel it then.”
Forcing her eyes back on mine, I take a few steps forward until her ass is on the countertop.
“I did feel it then. I’d felt it since the day you came into my life. I didn’t say it because I thought the setting wasn’t romantic enough. I wanted the first time I told you that to be special, not in my truck. I planned to take you to that place you liked to go stargazing, but …” I don’t want to finish my sentence. It doesn’t feel right to call her dad out on it even though it’s all his fault.
“But my dad got to you first,” she whispers, and I don’t have to nod or say yes because she knows she’s right.
“For years, I have kicked myself in the ass for not telling you the second you said it to me. Hell, if I could turn back time and tell you when we were kids, I would.”
“But that’s not how life works,” she says softly.
“Nope.” My throat feels like someone has a torch to it, and talking becomes harder because I know what I have to say next, and it’s going to hurt like hell.
“If I had been older and maturer back then, when your father put those thoughts in my head, I would have come to you. I would have made you promise me that you weren’t throwing your life away for me. Instead, I was too insecure and juvenile, and I let your dad’s words make me question everything. I really did think I was doing the right thing when I packed my truck early that morning and left before you were even awake.”
Tears well in my eyes, and a lump is lodged deep in my throat.
“So much of your life would have been different, Gem. It could have been better if only I hadn’t taken off.”
I look away from her, unable to stare into her eyes—so much of the pain inside of them is there because I basically threw her away, leaving her to find that fucking monster she ended up with.
“I feel like everything that Richie put you through is my fault. I’d pushed you right to him. I’m so fucking sorry for that, Firefly. I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in my life; I regret lots of things. But nothing as deeply as that.”
We’re both emotional, crying messes, and I swipe my thumbs under her eyes to wipe away some of her tears.
“Does that mean … you do love me?” she asks bashfully. “Even now?”
Sliding my palm over her cheek and into her hair, I tilt her face up slightly. “ Especially now, Gem. More than ever.”
From the way she’s looking at me with sadness in her eyes, I know she’s going to say something that will hurt me. I can feel it coming because I know her like the back of my hand. And I know whatever she tells me, no matter how painful it is … I’ll understand because that’s what she needs me to do.
She presses another kiss to my lips, and I taste the salt from her tears.
“Do you love me enough to wait for me?” Her lips tremble as she barely speaks the words out loud. “I understand if you don’t. I know it’s a big ask, but … do you love me enough to let me heal? On my own.”
My heart stops beating, I swear. I want to tell her no. I want to promise that I’ll do anything to help her heal as long as I can be by her side. I can’t let her just take off, not again.
“But how will you be safe?” Panic floods my veins.
Her ex is still out there—I know because I had a security guard who works for the team check in with his buddy out in California.
Although she called the cops that night, she didn’t press charges because his parents were rich and powerful. She knew there was no point.
She doesn’t answer my question, but instead, she says something else. “After our walk yesterday, Paige came in for a coffee, and I expressed to her that I knew I needed therapy and that I was ready to take the first step.” She doesn’t look ashamed or embarrassed, which makes me so happy. “She has a friend who is a therapist in Boothbay. She comes highly recommended, and Paige got me a virtual appointment with her yesterday afternoon.”
“That’s amazing, Gem.” I hug her tightly to my chest. “That’s a huge step. You should be so proud of yourself.”
She hugs me before stepping back, giving me the saddest stare.
I can feel her pain as if it were my own. She’s carried that same haunted, tortured gaze around since she returned to Maine, and it doesn’t matter that we spent years apart. I’ve known her since I was eight years old and spent my whole life admiring her. All the time in the world could have passed, and I’d still know her better than I know anyone else.
“I need to be on my own for a little while, and Paige said I can stay in the apartment above their garage for as long as I need.” Her lips tremble, and her words are a punch to the gut. “I want to stay here. I want to be with you. I want more than anything to jump in headfirst and just say screw everything else.” Using the back of her hand, she wipes her eyes. “I can’t do that to you though. It wouldn’t be fair. Because you truly are the man I always knew you’d grow up to be. I mean, look at you. You’ve spent the past few weeks turning your life upside down to help heal me. You’ve been patient, kind, and understanding with me. And when we finally get our shot? Our true shot? I want to be the best version of myself too. I want to be whole and healed. For you. For me. And for us.”
I want to be with her while she heals. I don’t want her to run to Kolt and Paige for shelter. I want to be the one to save her right now. But that’s selfish, and I love her too much to be that way.
So, even though it fucking kills me, I say, “I will wait as long as it takes, Firefly.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb and press my lips to her forehead.
Her shoulders shake against my frame.
“I’ll still be around,” she promises. “I still want to cheer you on at your games and for us to check in with each other on our lives. You deserve a woman who can be your anchor just as much as you are hers. I promise you, Smith, one day—hopefully sooner than later— I am going to be that anchor. And you’ll be able to lean on me the way I’ve leaned on you.”
As I hug her tightly, squeezing my eyes shut and breathing her in, I keep repeating a well-known saying in my head. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be. Over and over, I think of those words to remind myself that letting her go isn’t just the right thing to do. It’s the only thing I can do.
I loved her enough to let her go when I was in high school, and that was a mistake. But things are different now, and even though I’m letting her go … I’m not letting her go too far.
I just hope, when she’s feeling better, she comes back to me.