For Fox Sake

Chapter 20

Jake

Pull yourself together, man.

“Um, yep, that’s it, just a regular, run-of-the-mill sleepover. As we do. You know, grown-ups, kids, we all like sleepovers.”

Ryan has burrowed down, under the blankets, out of sight, her limbs trembling against mine.

Is she laughing?

Ari is still watching me, a divot between her brows and a frown marring her face.

I pull the sheet up a little, even though it’s already over most of my chest. “Why don’t you go find the pancake mix in one of the cabinets? I think it’s in the bottom one by the stove. I’ll be right there. ”

“Okay.”

Ari disappears, leaving the door wide open. A second later, a cabinet door slams.

I yank the blanket off of Ryan’s head. “Are you laughing?”

She covers her mouth with a hand, giggles bubbling up around it. “I’m sorry. This isn’t funny. Do you think she’s traumatized?”

“No, but I think I am.”

That just makes her laugh harder.

I rub her shaking back. “This is my fault. I meant to sneak out before she woke up.”

Her hand comes up to pat my cheek. “It’s okay. I totally wore you out. Not your fault.”

I chuckle. “Yes, you did.”

“I’m hoping to do it again in, say, twelve hours?”

I groan. “So far away. Maybe I can trick Finley into watching Ari for a few hours.”

“No, we can’t do that.”

“Are you kidding me? She would love it.”

Ryan smiles. I take in her sleepy eyes, creamy skin, mussed hair. My half-mast rises to a full mast.

Pancakes. Ari. Focus.

I swallow and roll out of bed. Distance is the only way to rein in the lust.

“I’ve got this.” We need to talk, but it will have to wait. After last night, I’m even more hell-bent on convincing her to stay. This weekend can’t be the end of... whatever this is. I grab my jeans from the ground and tug them up my waist. “For now, what do you want me to tell her?”

I turn around.

She’s watching me with heavy-lidded eyes, biting her lip. Her eyes jerk up to my face and she flushes.

I grin, euphoria flooding through my veins. She’s as lusty as I am right now, and it’s awesome.

She scrubs a hand down her face. “As little as possible.”

I slip my T-shirt over my head and then bend over to brush a kiss against her bare shoulder. “Take your time. Take a shower, get ready, whatever you want. I’ve got breakfast.”

She blinks. “Really?”

“Of course.”

Her smile widens. “Okay.”

I give her one last kiss on the lips, a quick one because morning breath, and then she disappears into the bathroom. I head out to the kitchen.

“Who wants my world-famous pancakes?”

“Me me me!”

We eat pancakes and bacon and then I head up to the main house. I need a shower and fresh clothes. It’s going to be a busy day.

Finley accosts me as soon as I walk in the side door, into the kitchen.

“Well, well, well.” She leans against the counter next to Archer, lifting a bright red mug to her lips and taking a quick sip. “Enjoying an early morning walk, Jacob?”

I scrub a hand through my messy hair. “Yep.”

“Hey, isn’t that what you were wearing yesterday?” Archer lifts his brows.

“Nope. You must be mistaken. I was wearing a green shirt yesterday. So anyway, gotta shower.” I bolt out of the kitchen so fast I think I leave track marks, but not quick enough to escape the laughter chasing me out of the room.

Thankfully, when I come back downstairs, Finley is all business and I’m not subjected to any questioning under a hot lamp.

When Finley has an objective with a time limit, she turns into a hyperactive, overly methodical tyrant. Like a border collie, but with spreadsheets.

We leave Archer behind to get some work done—Finley has been overwhelmed with paperwork on camp business—and we take one of the golf carts down the hill to pick up our guests. Finley insists on driving as she’s the one with the plan.

Ari climbs into the passenger seat next to Finley, and Ryan hops into the rear-facing seat in the back of the cart, next to me.

Our hips brush, heat blooming at the point of contact and spreading through the rest of my body.

My cock jerks.

Holy hell.

She tucks her hair behind her ear. “Hey.”

I swallow and take a slow breath, willing my body to calm down. I can’t seriously be so horny right now.

“Hi.” The greeting is more of a croak than an actual word. I want to kiss her. I want to yank her against me, run my hands down her back, cup her ass, I didn’t get nearly enough contact time with her body?—

Finley twists in the front seat to greet Ryan, cutting off any more lustful thoughts.

“Hey, Ryan. I hope you slept well.”

I don’t have to look at Finley to know she’s smirking.

If she embarrasses me, I swear I will... probably do nothing at all. I clench my teeth.

“I slept great, thanks.”

“We have a full schedule today. Are you ready, Ari?”

“I’m ready!”

“Wooo!”

And then we’re off.

Finley keeps Ari entertained as we complete a loop around the camp, giving a whole speech on every building we pass and everything the camp has to offer from the art building to the paintball course to the indoor ice rink.

“I’ve never ice-skated,” Ari says after we’ve passed the giant barnlike structure.

“We will definitely have to fix that,” Finley tells her.

Then we stop at the mess hall for a few snacks and to use the bathrooms.

“This is incredible,” Ryan says when Finley points out the restaurant-grade kitchen connected to the mess hall. It’s used for meal preparation, and there are also stations where the kids are taught how to cook and prep their own food.

After the kitchens, we tour the perimeter of the property, and Finley lets Ari steer the cart along the well-worn dirt roads. We stop a few times for short nature walks—there are tons of wooded areas to explore—and then we head over the hill to the pond for a picnic. Archer meets us there, bearing a giant picnic basket and a few large blankets.

“What part did you like the best?” Finley hands Ari a turkey sandwich.

We’ve all spread out on blankets in the shade of one of the many sprawling trees surrounding the pond.

Ari taps her chin with her finger. “I liked the art place.”

Everyone loves the art building. It has space for pottery, welding supplies and junk for metalwork, and anything anyone could ever need for painting, drawing, and sculpting.

“But,” Ari continues, “I really want to ice-skate.”

Finley beams at Ryan, then me. “I knew I liked this girl. What do you say we head over there after lunch? I can show you the basics. Once you learn how to fly on the ice, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.”

“Finley is the best person to teach you,” I tell Ari. “She could have been in the Olympics.”

If tragedy hadn’t struck.

“Really?” Ryan’s eyes lift to her hairline. “That’s incredible. What happened?”

Finley stands up, wiping her hands on her jeans. “Life got in the way. As it does.”

Ryan frowns. “Yeah. I’ve had that kind of thing happen too.”

She placed first in sectionals a week before Aria died. She dropped everything and came home to take care of us. She gave up all her dreams.

Finley watches me like she can read the thoughts tumbling in my head. I clear my throat and crumple up the bag of chips I just demolished. “Did you bring dessert?” I ask Archer.

We spend a couple of hours at the ice rink, goofing around and burning off lunch.

Then Luke, Atticus, and Oliver meet us at the paintball course for a round before we all head to Veronica’s to meet the rest of my family for dinner.

Taylor owns Veronica’s, but she kept the old name. Veronica was an old friend of our dad’s. We hung out in the bar all the time when we were kids. We’d eat all the cherries and orange slices, help her sweep the floors, and dust the bar. It’s like a home away from home.

A place where I used to go to get smashed. Being here doesn’t make me want to drink, but it does make me a little sad about all the time I wasted disappearing instead of living. Although I suppose I had to make those mistakes to get to where I am now.

By the time we finish eating and head back to the cabins, it’s late and Ari’s eyes are drooping.

Archer drops Ryan and Ari off at their place first before heading back to the main house.

“Did you want to get out here too?” Archer winks at me after Ryan and Ari have exited the vehicle.

I don’t want to make Ryan uncomfortable by assuming, and he knows it, the prick.

We head back home, Finley and Archer disappear upstairs—as they often do—and I’m sitting on the couch in the living room staring at Ryan’s number, wondering if I should call her, when the little chat bubbles appear on the screen. Then my phone pings with an incoming text.

I can’t find Shirley.

I frown and hit the call button.

Ryan answers on the first ring. “She can’t sleep without it. I think today was a little too exciting and now she’s so tired she’s almost hyper.”

“It’s not in Ari’s bunk bed somewhere? She had it last night.”

She sighs. “No. We looked in there, under all the blankets on the top and bottom bunk, plus underneath the whole thing. I’m sure it’s here somewhere, I just have no idea where.”

Ari’s voice escalates in the background. “Mommaaaa.”

Ryan sighs. “I’m sorry to bother you. I can take care of this. She’s being stubborn.”

“Um, listen, we might have another Velveteen Rabbit here. It’s older and dustier, but I’ll bring it over if I can find it. Gimme a couple minutes and I’ll let you know.”

We hang up and I lift my gaze toward her room on the second floor, as if I can see through the walls into the space. I haven’t gone in Aria’s room since she died. I always knew part of my recovery would mean confronting the remnants of her life, everything she left behind, the room she occupied, decorated, and made her own.

Trudging up the stairs, my feet are like cement blocks. Each step clangs louder and louder.

My hands are shaking. This sucks. My therapist would be so proud of me right now though.

I stop at the top of the stairs. Faint illumination paints the floor of the hallway in a buttery glow. It’s coming from a Minnie Mouse nightlight, plugged into the wall by the bathroom door. I stare at the faded Disney character. It was Aria’s. When we were five, she insisted on moving it from her room to the hallway because I was scared of the dark. It probably hasn’t been touched since.

I can do this, for Ari. And for myself.

Pushing open the door, I flick on the light.

A lamp in the corner brightens to life, casting a faded glow over the musty room. The Velveteen Rabbit is still here, sitting on her pillow.

I stare at it. I just need to grab it and leave.

But I can’t move.

The world comes to a screeching halt.

Memories engulf me, running through my mind like a movie on fast-forward. Childhood laughter and games, playing with dolls and having tea parties, which I pretended to hate but truly didn’t mind one bit. The tears and drama and struggles of middle school, of new friends and fights and first crushes.

All of it, cut short too soon. Before she really had a chance to experience life.

I walk inside, taking a few steps before my legs give out, and I drop to a seat on the bed, running my fingers over the black and white bedspread.

Around freshman year, Aria decided she liked dark colors. Really, anything but pink. Her whole room transformed from Barbies and pastels to dark purples and blacks and pops of yellow.

I’m surprised there isn’t an inch of dirt over everything.

Finley’s probably been keeping it clean.

My gaze snags on a photo on the dresser of Aria with her best friend from school, Willow. Their arms are around each other, heads pressed together, bright smiles on both of their faces.

I saw Willow a couple years ago. Her parents own the hardware store in town. She wanted to meet up for coffee or dinner, to chat.

To chat about Aria.

I made up some lame excuse to avoid it, as one does.

My eyes trail over other relics from the past, a paperweight that Piper fashioned in the shape of a golden retriever and then painted in gold. Prince. The dog from The 10th Kingdom. Aria loved animals. Any animals. All animals.

Including one Velveteen Rabbit. I reach over and pluck it off the pillow, resting it in my lap and rubbing at the ear, softened with age and time.

Footsteps sound down the hall and then stop.

I look up.

Archer is staring at me with his mouth open. “Uh, you all right?”

“Yeah. I needed to get this...” I look down at the stuffed animal in my hands. I can’t see Ryan right now. I’m too raw. Too needy. “Will you bring this down to Ryan and Ari? They can’t find hers.”

“Sure, man. Absolutely.” He crosses into the room, and I hand over the rabbit.

He hesitates in the doorway, tapping the frame with a finger, his mouth opening and then shutting, and then thankfully he stalks away.

I wasn’t ready to come into this room, but now I’m not sure I’m ready to leave.

It hurts. But the pain has changed. I will never stop missing her. Ever. But something has shifted inside me since I found out about Aria’s heart and Mia and little Ari. It’s like... I’m still wrecked, but it’s different. I still miss her more than life itself, but the sharp edge of pain has dulled into a blunt ache.

On the nightstand, there’s another framed photo of our ultrasound picture. Just a bunch of blurry dots on a black background. Dad found it in an old box and Aria insisted on framing it.

I’m hurled back into the memory, Aria’s wide, excited eyes, her laughing mouth as she held it up and proclaimed, “Our first photo!”

We came into this world together and I never wanted to be in it without her. She’s always been a part of me. She will always be a part of me. It’s unfathomable that she’s gone.

The black and white image swims in front of my eyes, hot tears disappearing into the dark bedspread.

I swipe them away.

“Hey.” Finley strides inside, her eyes wide and concerned. She perches next to me on the bed.

I set the photo back on the nightstand. “Did Archer make you come here?”

She puts an arm around me, her head pressing against my shoulder. “He didn’t make me do anything. But he did look like he’d seen three ghosts, a demon, and a life-sized spider playing poker. He was seriously freaked.”

I lean my head on hers. “You’ve been cleaning in here.”

“Just dusting a bit here and there, yeah.”

“Is it... hard for you? To come in here? See all this?”

“Yes, and no.” She straightens. “Losing Aria was hard for all of us. But it was the worst for you.”

I stare down at a yellow nail polish stain on the faded rug at my feet. “She was a part of me.”

I don’t know how else to describe it.

It can’t be described.

“You always knew exactly where she was.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like that time we went on a hike to Mayberry Falls, it was me you, Aria, and Dad and she wandered off. Remember?”

“No.”

“I think you were about nine, maybe? Anyway, she went to pee but then never came back. We started yelling for her, going in the direction she had walked off, but then Dad just looked at you and said, ‘Point to where she is.’ You did, which was not the same direction she had gone to pee, but we found her a minute later. She had seen a deer and tried to follow it and got turned around and couldn’t find her way back.”

I search my memory banks and come up empty. “I don’t remember that.”

“Really?” She shifts to face me more fully. “You would do it all the time. We had to stop playing hide-and-seek if you were the seeker and she was hiding because you knew exactly where she would be. It was nuts. You did it one time in the grocery store when you were both maybe four or five.”

I’ve forgotten. Did I lose the memories because I shy away from all thoughts of her? Refuse to think of her? Does that mean I will eventually lose all the memories, good and bad, because of my fear of confronting thoughts about her?

It’s painful, but I don’t want to forget everything.

“I could never tell her no.”

Finley rubs my arm. “I know.”

“No. You don’t. I should have been the one driving, but she begged me to drive home. And I couldn’t tell her no.”

Jake, please. If you let me drive, I’ll do your chores for a week. A month. I need to practice, it’s late so there won’t be other cars. It’s a short drive. You’ll be with me.

“Aria’s death was not your fault.”

I’ve heard this, over and over, from everyone, but they don’t understand and I can’t deal with the truth.

Because it was.

So many moments, decisions made, events burned into my memory, no matter how many times I try to forget them.

Lying on this exact bed with Aria while she begged me to go with her to some party she had overheard Taylor on the phone talking to a friend about.

I could never tell her no.

And then...

“There was a cat.”

“What?”

“It ran in front of the car. We were going too fast. I encouraged her to go fast because it was late. I was worried someone would notice we were gone. The streets were empty. What was the harm?” My voice cracks on the word. “But there was harm.”

“Oh, Jake.” Her arms fly around me, gripping me tight.

I barely feel it. My limbs have gone numb.

“She didn’t die right away.”

Finley tenses against me. “What?”

“She was scared.” The words are quiet, whispered.

I dream about it, sometimes, Aria’s eyes before she died, wide with terror.

“If we hadn’t gone to that party, she might still be alive. I didn’t want to go, but Aria wanted to follow Taylor. I could have convinced her to stay home.”

She squeezes my arm. “No. You couldn’t have. She was so stubborn. The most willful of all of us, and that’s saying something.”

I need to let go of the pain and guilt I’m dragging with me everywhere I go. The weight is pulling me down and, worse, erasing all the good memories of Aria. She would hate this.

“Holy shit. Am I dreaming?” Taylor walks into the room.

“Only if it’s some creepy shared hallucination.” Mindy is right behind her.

Followed by Piper. “Definitely a group hallucination.”

Finley shifts on the bed, tucking up her legs to make room. “Like that time you three saw that pterodactyl?”

Taylor plops next to her. “Now that was real.”

Piper rounds the bed to sit on my other side. “It was a legit pterodactyl.”

Finley chuckles. “Maybe it was the moth man.”

“West Virginia is a bit far for him to fly.” Mindy rests her hip against the wooden bed frame.

I twist my lips. “But the pterodactyl, a creature that existed sixty-seven million years ago, that’s a possibility?”

Taylor reaches around Finley to shove me in the shoulder. “It makes sense, okay?”

Piper nods solemnly. “The government has been lying to us.”

“Speaking of.” Mindy narrows her gaze my way. “What’s going on with you and Ryan?”

I lift my hands in question. “How does speaking of government lies lead you to question me about Ryan?”

“Just answer the question,” Taylor chimes in.

I groan. “Why are you all here anyway?”

“We came to say goodbye. Luke and I are leaving in the morning.”

Piper nods. “Same here. I have a show the day after tomorrow at the gallery.”

“Stop avoiding the question.” Mindy points at me.

I shake my head. “I am not having this conversation with all of you.”

Finley grins. “I like her.” She glances around at the rest of my sisters. “Jake didn’t come home last night. He snuck back into the main house this morning.”

“What’s that now?” Taylor laughs. “Jake clearly likes her too.”

I hate that my face is burning right now. “I fell asleep.”

Finley bites her lip, holding back her mirth. “Like when I fell asleep with Archer that one time in the laundry room?”

I cover my face with both hands. “No. Please don’t. Don’t make me remember. I am still traumatized.”

Piper leans her shoulder into me. “Or when I fell asleep with Oliver in the loft of that one cabin where the bed is visible from the front door, and we had just woken up and you waltzed right in and saw more than you bargained for.”

Mindy makes a hmming sound. “That reminds me of when I was making Luke breakfast in my underwear that one time and you came in without knocking.”

Taylor gasps. “Oh my God! Like when I was with Atticus in our tent during the festival last year.”

“You know what the common denominator is here?” Finley crosses her arms over her chest.

I glance around. “You’re all a bunch of sexual deviants?”

Mindy tsks. “You need to learn how to knock, Jacob.”

They burst out laughing.

“I’ve also learned that, unlike my sisters, I should lock doors when I don’t want to be interrupted.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could all walk in on him?” Piper laughs but then frowns.

“Eww.” Taylor smacks her on the arm.

Mindy makes a gagging sound. “What, no? Are you kidding?”

Bursts of laughter echo around the room, while Piper tries to defend herself. “It’s not my fault, I have baby brain.”

The amusement abruptly cuts off, like a door slammed shut on the hilarity.

“Did you say... baby brain?”

Suddenly, everyone is in motion while talking over each other and squealing all at the same time, almost dogpiling on top of me to get to Piper. I think Taylor kicks me in the shin.

“I can’t believe it.”

“I’m so freaking happy for you!”

“I get to be an aunty!”

“Is Oliver pissing his pants?”

“How far along?”

I wait until they stop hugging her to get my own embrace in. They keep talking and I half listen, my mind spinning around Piper’s news, around Aria’s bedroom, about what I shared with Finley.

It’s kind of funny how we were all impacted by Aria’s death.

Piper disappeared into her art. She never came home when Dad was sick. She couldn’t handle being home at all.

Mindy became one with her career, losing herself in finding musicians and turning them into rock stars.

Taylor decided to roam around and party at musical festivals like the weirdo hippie she is.

Finley couldn’t leave. She threw herself into the business, attempting to save our family property like that would somehow bring Aria back.

And that leaves me. I wanted to forget. I focused on Dad, and then after he passed, I focused on numbing myself, but there were no answers at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

“Hey.” Finley leans toward me, her voice low. “You okay?”

I glance at our sisters still talking avidly. It’s strange, Piper is bringing in a new life while we’re in here, a place memorialized since Aria’s death.

“I don’t know. But I think I will be.”