For Fox Sake

Chapter 21

Ryan

I press my toes into the hardwood underneath me, pushing off and rocking the porch swing back and forth, gazing out into the night.

Archer brought over the Velveteen Rabbit over an hour ago. I immediately took it to Ari in her bunk bed, who clutched it to her chest and fell asleep almost instantly. The toy was old and worn, the fabric softened and gray with time. Was it Aria’s old toy? Was that hard for Jake, to find and hand it over? I hope he’s okay.

Fireflies flicker to life, appearing and disappearing near the tree line. The cobblestone street winding through the cabins and trees glows in the moonlight.

This place is pure magic.

It’s partially the landscaping, the cabins, and twinkling lights. The whole layout is like stepping into an enchanted fairyland. The other magic is Jake’s family.

I only had Mia growing up. Ari is the only family I have left.

Earlier today, when we were on the paintball course, Finley and I kept watch from the fence surrounding the course.

Archer had climbed up in a tree to implement a surprise attack on Jake, tagging him square in the back when he passed by underneath.

Jake released a high-pitched shriek, a sound I never thought possible emerging from him.

Luke jumped out from behind the shell of a building to take aim at Archer. “Ah ha! Revenge time!”

At which point Ari popped up out of a giant tire well and shot Luke in the chest.

Finley clapped. “Nice work!” she shouted and then turned to me. “It’s too bad you won’t be able to stay through next week. We’re getting a group of campers around Ari’s age.”

“She would love that. I wish she had siblings.” I wince. “I mean, not that I’m ready to have more kids or even in a relationship or a position to have any, but I had my sister, you know, and it was a special bond. I just wish Ari had something like that too.”

“I get it. And hey, this might be weird, but feel free to consider us your surrogate siblings.”

Except I do not want to think of Jake like a brother.

Finley continued, “And Ari can think of us as surrogate aunts and uncles. I’m sure one of us will be popping out a kid at some point. So... cousins?”

“Thank you. That’s really nice, truly, you’ve been too kind. Inviting us out here, letting us stay and feeding us and,” I gesture to the paintball course, where Ari is now chasing Oliver with her gun, “all of this.”

She grins. “It is great, isn’t it? Although, that reminds me.” She glances at her watch. “I have to head back to the office. The amount of paperwork I have to complete on a daily basis is a nightmare. Even when we don’t have kids on site, the admin tasks never end. I would much rather spend time here.” She gestures to the rink. “But we’re having some weird issue with our payroll software that I have to figure out by tomorrow to make sure everyone gets paid on time.”

“Do you use XpressPay?”

It’s what I use, a common payroll software. I had an issue the other week that took forever to fix, sitting on hold with the help line just to get the details on how to fix it.

“Yeah, that’s what we use.”

“I know exactly what the problem is. There’s a workaround to get it to submit. You have to adjust the account settings, then log out and log back in. I had to do it last pay period.”

“Can you show me?”

“Absolutely.”

“You are an angel. That will save me so much time. I also have been meaning to return about a million calls from vendors for our wedding. You’ll come, right? It’s in September.”

“Of course.” Er. Maybe. Would it be weird? Where will Jake and I be at that point in our... relationship, if that’s even what this is? What if it’s just a fling, and I come back in the fall and he’s with someone else?

I’m not sure my heart could take it. We haven’t talked about if this thing between us means anything at all.

It feels like everything.

Headlights appear in the distance, growing closer.

I push to a stand and walk to the porch railing as the cart parks in front of the cabin.

Jake jumps out of the cart, jogging up the steps and stopping when we’re at eye level.

“Hi.” I glance down at my feet, a sudden wave of self-consciousness flowing over me.

“Hey.” His hand lifts, threading through my hair and then his mouth brushes mine. “I’m so sorry I took too long. I got held up talking to my sisters.” His eyes search mine, his fingers gently tugging at my hair. “I had to go into Aria’s room for the Velveteen Rabbit and I haven’t been in there since... since.”

I lift my hand to cover his, squeezing his fingers. “Do you want to talk about it?”

His brows dip. “I don’t know. My sisters were there, and we talked and it was good, but a bit overwhelming. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I think I’m a little talked out.”

I get it. I’ve experienced the emotional exhaustion. “Come on.”

Linking our fingers, I draw him inside, through the front door, which he immediately locks behind us, and then through the living room and kitchen into the master bedroom.

The lights are off, the drapes pulled open, bathing the room in moonlight and shadows.

“Is it okay if I hold you?” I ask.

He nods, his expression unreadable in the darkness. He yanks his shirt over his head, then pushes his pants off. I’m already in my sleep shorts and tee. We climb into bed, reaching for each other. I throw a leg over his hip, and his arm takes the space underneath my head. I never want to stop touching him. He’s all lean muscles and warm skin. He smells like soap and aftershave and an underlying hint of spice that’s purely Jake.

I could breathe him in forever.

We lay entwined together, skin to skin, not moving or speaking for so long I start to doze off.

“I told Finley about the night Aria died.”

His voice is deep and husky, and just loud enough to draw me from the edge of sleep.

I rub his back with my fingers. “That’s good. Sharing the burdens makes the load lighter.”

His arms flex around me. “I think you’re right,” he murmurs.

* * *

We spend the next day in Ithaca, a picturesque city surrounded by rolling hills and state parks. We take the hike to Buttermilk Falls, one of Mia’s favorite places to visit during the summers.

She would sit on a flat rock with her feet in the water, watching people swim, wishing her heart had the strength to join them.

We eat lunch at the Boatyard Grill, watching rowers move down the Cayuga, and then head to the Cornell Botanical Gardens in the afternoon.

When Ari complains about her legs hurting from all the walking, Jake doesn’t miss a beat. He crouches down so she can climb up onto his back.

We take the woodland walk along a trickling stream, and Jake points out some of the plants he knows, like the Japanese primrose, ferns, and azaleas.

“You know a lot about plants,” Ari says.

“I blame Atticus,” he tells her. “He’s a botanist and he never shuts up about plants.”

“This place is pretty.” Ari rests her head on Jake’s shoulder.

My heart melts.

“It is beautiful.” Almost whimsical, really, the effusion of plants covering the ground surrounding the stream, the blanket of green highlighted by pops of red and pink and white flowers.

Since we have to be back in Whitby for dinner—it’s our last night here, and Finley made plans for roasting hot dogs and grilling burgers around one of the firepits—we head back to the car after the short hike.

Ari falls asleep before we’ve even left the parking lot.

Jake glances at her in the rearview mirror. “Damn, she’s cute when she’s sleeping. I mean, she’s always cute, but I hardly ever get to see her not in motion.”

I twist around in the passenger seat. She’s slumped in her booster, head tilted at what has to be the most uncomfortable angle ever, her mouth halfway open, the new old Velveteen Rabbit clutched in her lap.

We still haven’t found Shirley, but the new rabbit, Wanda, as Ari has decided to name her, has been sufficient, it seems.

Heading toward the freeway, we pass through part of the Cornell University campus.

I could have gone here, walked these sidewalks to class, and passed the McGraw Tower every day.

“Have you ever thought about coming back? Applying again?” Jake asks.

It’s like he’s inside my mind. “I don’t know. It’s too late now.”

“It’s never too late.”

“There’s no guarantee I would get in.”

My heart thumps harder in my chest, my stomach twisting. I’m scared. What am I so scared of? Leaving Dull? I don’t like living there. I only stayed because of Mom. So, what’s left for me now? Just Bernie, really.

Change is scary.

Jake is scary. No, it’s not Jake, it’s my feelings for Jake that are terrifying.

He clicks the blinker to make a left-hand turn. “I like you. A lot.”

I stare at his profile. “I like you too.”

The light turns green. His ears turn pink. “I don’t want to pressure you, but I want to be in your life, yours and Ari’s life.”

I want the same thing, but... “We live on opposite sides of the country.”

“I could move,” he answers quickly.

“And leave your whole family? Your whole life here?”

He bites his lip. “You could move.”

The fear whispers in my ear: What if he changes his mind? Shane did. Does he really mean it? Maybe he does, now, but what if he regrets it later? “I don’t know.”

His finger taps on the steering wheel. “I’m not ready to say goodbye forever.”

We’re leaving early tomorrow morning. “I’m not either.”

He shoots me a surprised glance. “Really?”

“Really. Maybe we can come back sometime soon. Or you can come visit.”

“When?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe in a few days?”

A laugh bubbles out of me. “Maybe slightly longer than that.”

It’s not only about trusting him with my heart, but Ari’s too.

If I did uproot our lives and move across the country, and then Jake and I didn’t work out? It would break both our hearts.

We arrive back at the camp, and time picks up like a snowball gathering speed down a steep mountain.

Before I know it, we’ve eaten our last dinner with Jake’s family and said our goodbyes.

Finley hugs me tight. “Don’t be a stranger.”

I can’t make any promises.

Jake comes back with us to the cabin to read Ari her bedtime story.

I stand outside the bedroom door, out of sight, while Jake inflects silly voices, ad-libs lines, and makes Ari giggle.

Is there anything more attractive than a man who loves my daughter? Who makes her laugh, puts her needs first, shows care and concern, and gives her genuine affection?

My heart aches, part tenderness, part loss.

“Hey.” His eyes search my face.

“Hey.”

His head tips to one side. “Are you all right?”

In answer, I take his hand, and lead him away from Ari’s room, across the living room, into the master bedroom and shut the door.

“What are you?—?”

Then I drop to my knees in front of him.

“Holy hell.”

I unbutton his jeans, tugging them down along with his boxers far enough to pull his length out.

“Ryan. You don’t have to?—”

I take him in my mouth.

He hisses out a breath, his hands clenching at his side. “Scratch that. Ignore me. Do as you will.”

Oh, I will. He went as hard as stone as soon as I touched him. It’s thrilling how I can affect him so easily, just as much as he can affect me.

I take him into my mouth. Licking, sucking, teasing with my tongue, my mouth, my hands, driving him to the brink and then drawing away.

He watches me, his mouth ajar, his eyes glittering in the low light, lust a palpable thing between us.

He reaches down, pulling me up. “I want to be inside you.”

I want the same. More than anything.

Quietly, we undress. Clothing hits the floor, one piece of apparel at a time, until we’re both naked and gazing at each other.

As if it’s choreographed, we move at the same time. The moment our bare skin connects, we both gasp. His arms go around my waist, my hands grip his neck, fingers threading into his hair.

Our mouths connect, the kiss slow and deep. Every nerve ending in my body fires to life.

We get lost in each other, touching, savoring every sensation for a few long minutes, until we fall down onto the bed together.

There is nothing as glorious as tangling my limbs with Jake, our mouths searching, fingers exploring, playing with each other until we’re both delirious with desire.

I’m surrounded by a lust-fueled fog as he rolls on the condom and shifts back between my thighs. I wrap my legs around him, staring up at his face while he pushes inside me, just an inch.

He gazes down at me, our eyes locked, then he thrusts gently again, another inch.

My hands run up his arms, tracing the rigid muscles and then clenching on his shoulders.

Eyes still on mine, he drives in fully in one deep lunge and we both groan.

He blows out a breath and then his head dips, our foreheads touching. His mouth strokes against mine, a tender touch, and then we’re kissing while he slides in and out, slowly. I memorize the taste of his lips, his tongue against mine, the press of his hips.

He moves, driving into me in metered strokes, advancing and retreating, layering pleasure atop pleasure, heat chasing over my skin and sensitizing every touch of his body against mine.

Desire builds and builds. He moves faster, sensing the coming finale. He shifts closer, pushing his body exactly where I need it. That’s all it takes for me to splinter into a thousand fragments of bliss.

Jake shouts, shuddering, his arms tightening around me before he collapses, his weight pressing me into the mattress.

A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye, escaping into the cotton bedspread.

After a moment he rolls to the side, getting up to get rid of the condom before returning and drawing me back into his arms.

I clutch at him. I don’t want this, whatever it is, to be over.

How can I leave? But how can I stay?