For Once In My Life

Chapter 33

Kitty woke up and for a moment she thought it was Dave curled around her. But something was different… the smell for one thing. Dave’s slightly sulphurous odour – which she wondered if it emanated from the lack of vegetables in his diet – wasn’t there. Instead, the person next to her was bigger, his skin softer and he wasn’t making those yogic breathing sounds from the back of his throat which Dave made because of his sinus issues.

Tom.

She smiled and snuggled in closer and deeper. Memories of the previous evening filtered through. The match. The final goal. The drinks in The Island. The walking home… and then the kissing on the doorstep.

‘Morning…’

Tom was awake.

‘Morning…’ Kitty rolled onto her back, Tom’s face close to hers, his left arm around her shoulders, his right hand resting lightly on her stomach.

‘Sleep well…?’

‘Yes, you?’

He was smiling. ‘Pretty good… nice bed, good company…’

But Dave. She hadn’t meant any of this to happen. This wasn’t the deal. She had told him she would wait, while he got his head sorted, and she’d gone off and slept with someone else.

‘Look, Tom… I’m sorry about last night… I know we’ve both had a bit to drink…’

He frowned slightly. ‘Are you saying you’re regretting it?’

‘A bit,’ she said. ‘I mean… I’m not technically single…’

There was a rustle at the end of the bed, as Romeo hopped up, and made his way over the duvet towards them, purring loudly.

‘True,’ Tom said, absent-mindedly stroking Romeo, who curled around his hand. ‘I think I may have conveniently forgotten that fact last night, so overcome by your beauty…’ He nibbled at her ear, making her laugh. ‘So overcome by the look in your eye, the way you score goals, the way you lick the salt off your margarita… your loyalty to Shazza. And…’ His mouth was now kissing her neck. ‘I like the way you taste… like honey… doughnuts… sherbert… lemon drops… Jelly Tots…’ He came up for air. ‘You taste exactly as I imagined you would… like a sweet shop.’

Kitty laughed, but his mouth was now moving over her body, small kisses that were like nothing she had ever experienced. ‘Maybe I could conveniently forget that I am technically in a relationship again?’ she suggested before she found herself unable to speak coherently for a while.

Later, they sat up in bed, drinking tea and talking, Romeo curled at the end of the bed.

‘He’s not normally this friendly to strange men,’ said Kitty. ‘He didn’t even like Dave very much.’

‘Well, I like animals,’ said Tom. ‘And the feeling seems to be mutual. Thankfully. It would be awkward in my work if it wasn’t.’ He reached across and gave Romeo a few more long and languid strokes. ‘He’s a gorgeous cat. I love cats when they get to be old… they become even more regal. Like an ancient king or queen.’

‘He’s had a few run-ins with this tabby called Timmy. I had to bring him to your practice recently. Mr Kelly stitched him up.’

‘He’s healed well…’ Tom examined the ear. ‘I hope Timmy lays off him. He likes going out at night, does he?’

‘Loves it,’ said Kitty. ‘Wouldn’t miss searching for mice or whatever else he gets up to. And I think he’s learned to stay away from Timmy. He’s not going to make that mistake again.’

‘So…’ He took her hand now. ‘You’re not technically single. And I am…’

‘Yes…’

‘How can we rectify this mismatch?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Kitty. ‘How long have you been single?’

‘Long enough…’ he said. ‘I was seeing someone when Paddy was becoming increasingly unwell and I just couldn’t focus on anything but him at the time. So, I ended that, tried to keep my studies going and the rest of the time I used to go and bug Paddy. I’d make him go for long walks with me and… God…’ He leaned his head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling for a moment. Tom turned back to Kitty. ‘What was going on in his head, I couldn’t have done anything about… the fact he thought the world was a better place without him still confounds me… I mean, really? Do you think that? Because you are so wrong, so incredibly wrong. The world is a worse place without someone with your beautiful soul in it, without your lovely heart…’

‘Poor Paddy,’ said Kitty, putting her hand over Tom’s.

He nodded. ‘So many families go through it, we’re not unique to lose someone to suicide. But I loved him, will always love him and it’s made me want to live the best life I can… for him. He couldn’t. But I can.’

Kitty stood up, pulling on her dressing gown. ‘Hungry?’

He nodded, smiling at her.

‘For food!’ Kitty laughed. ‘Tea and toast? A nice coffee?’

‘Sounds good to me.’

They ate breakfast sitting in a patch of sun in the courtyard, surrounded by Kitty’s geraniums, Romeo stretched out in the sun.

‘So what have you learned since you’ve been filling in your time?’ Tom’s knee touched Kitty’s briefly.

‘Life has just seemed more interesting somehow… being out and about more, meeting people… and I’ve just felt more open, somehow… and the football team, meeting you and Rory…’

He smiled at her. ‘Well, I’m pretty happy about that.’

‘We’re presenting a big new pitch next week for Welcome Ireland. At our last big pitch, one of the clients said something was missing.’

Tom was looking puzzled. ‘And what’s the problem?’

‘Well, this man didn’t like it…’

‘Right…’

‘And…’ Kitty was running out of ways to explain why it had felt like a failure. ‘Normally, we receive better feedback,’ she said.

‘You can’t fear failure,’ Tom said. ‘Paddy used to say that. Get used to it, be comfortable in it… and don’t fear it. And he was right. If you take away the one thing that stops you from doing things… then life just opens up. You’re immediately happier.’

Kitty was nodding. These last couple of weeks, she hadn’t cared about failing. Instead, she’d just been living. From football to sailing to feeling emotionally and physically connected to someone new, it was as though her world was so much bigger. Except for work. Failure in work was still something to be feared. Maybe it was because you were paid to be there or you had to be in charge and vulnerability and lack of success made everyone around you nervous.

Tom was smiling at her.

‘What?’

‘Just that… I think you’re a good person…’ He took her hand. ‘You want to make the world a better place than the way you found it… am I right?’

‘Doesn’t everyone?’

He shook his head. ‘No, no they don’t. But you give the very strong impression that you worry about people, about making everyone happy… and that’s a really lovely thing. I just really like being around you.’

She smiled at him, liking the idea of who he thought she was. It was something to live up to, she thought. Being with Tom was so different to Dave – here was a man who listened, who liked Romeo and who Romeo liked in return and smelled nice. She couldn’t help but feel a glow inside, her insides warm, her body feeling light, as though filled with an air of excitement. But she wasn’t quite free… not yet. She was waiting for Dave to release her or to reclaim her. Either way, she was in limbo.

In the afternoon, Tom had to go back to the Sandycove Vets for an emergency weekend cover. ‘I’ll be back later,’ he promised, kissing her goodbye. ‘And I’ll bring dinner.’

At 5p.m., there was a knock on the door and Kitty, a little flustered, butterflies in her stomach, answered the door. But instead of Tom, standing there, it was Dave.

‘Howya,’ he said.

‘Dave…’ Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to form more words.

‘Aren’t you going to let me in? I thought I lived here too?’ He sounded wheedling, almost petulant.

She stood to one side, wondering why he had come.

‘You look nice,’ he said, glancing at her. ‘New dress?’

‘No… old…’

He peered at her face. ‘You look different…’

She shook her head again. ‘I don’t think so…’ There was that old sulphurous whiff. Yes, Dave was back. She followed him into the living room, where he stood turning around, as though taking it all in again.

‘You know, I’ve missed this old house,’ he said.

‘My old house,’ she said, quietly.

‘Mam’s is pretty cluttered. So many knick-knacks. Jugs, little china people, her panda collection… her crystal animals… and she can’t throw anything away – magazines, crappy books, yoghurt cartons, parish newsletters, jam jars…’

‘How is your mam?’ It was the only sensible thing that Kitty could trust herself to say. She had been waiting for this moment for the last couple of weeks and now it was happening and real, she was blindsided.

‘She’s good…’

‘And you?’

‘Never better.’ He smiled at her and she thought how little he smiled, really, and when he did, it looked more like a grimace. Dave was one of those people who looked better when they were either angry or unhappy. ‘Anyway,’ he said, ‘I’ll get to the point. I want to say that the time away did me the power of good. I did a lot of thinking and I thought about you, and you and me, and about me…’

Mostly you, Kitty said to herself.

‘And I want to say how much I missed you and that I am sorry for being such a misery guts and I don’t think you were putting pressure on me to get married. It’s your right to want to know where the relationship is going. And we’ve been through so much together… and I love living with you…’ He dropped to his knee and for a moment Kitty thought that perhaps he’d had a stroke or a heart attack. But he grabbed on to her hand, looking up at her. ‘Kitty, you were right, I was wrong… we can’t throw everything we have away. We’re a great team. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you… will you marry me?’

Kitty still couldn’t find the words.

‘You are the only person who would put up with me,’ he went on, still grimacing. ‘Without you I am miserable, without you I have no life.’ Still clutching at her with one hand, he reached around to his back pocket and took out something wrapped in a square of toilet paper. ‘It’s my grandmother’s ring,’ he said, his voice going wobbly, his eyes tearing up. ‘And it would do me the profound honour if you would wear it. Will you?’

Kitty hesitated.

‘Please?’ He slipped the ring on to Kitty’s hand. ‘It’s a bit loose,’ he said. ‘But it’s nice, isn’t it? The emeralds. Mam says those are diamantés. Are they a thing? She says they are much better than diamonds because if you lose one, you can get it replaced. The same with the emeralds.’

‘It’s… it’s…’ Kitty couldn’t get the words out, and she’d started to cry.

‘Don’t get upset, sweetheart,’ Dave was saying as he stood up. ‘Any bride is bound to get emotional when she’s getting married. I know what you women are like. Always crying. I mean, I just wish my old dad was here. He’d like you, I know he would. Well, most of you. Not the hyper-cleaning part of you.’ Dave chuckled to himself. ‘Or the way you fold your T-shirts as though they are origami. And…’ For a moment, Kitty thought Dave was going to list all the ways his father wouldn’t like her and she had to remind herself to close her mouth which had been hanging open with shock. ‘Anyway…’ Dave seemed to collect himself. ‘I’ve got a bottle of champagne on the doorstep. Well, it’s not exactly champagne, it’s sparkling wine. Only €5.99 in SuperValu. Isn’t that good?’

Kitty still hadn’t managed to get a full sentence out and, before she knew it, she was standing with a warm glass of fizzy vinegar.

‘Delicious, isn’t it?’ said Dave, still smiling. He looked so happy now and it seemed as though he wanted to get his life back together and perhaps the old Dave would re-emerge. And maybe he would eat vegetables and he would smell less sulphurous. Maybe everything would be okay. And as for Tom, Kitty barely knew him, and it was Dave who she was obliged to be with because of their long history.

The doorbell rang again.

‘I’ll get it!’ Kitty ran to the door and flung it open. Tom was standing there, a takeaway from the local Afghan restaurant in his hand. Kitty shook her head at him. ‘I can’t,’ she said. ‘Dave’s here…’ She held up her ring. ‘He asked me to marry him.’

Tom frowned again. ‘What?’

‘You have to go… You have to go.’ She shut the door and, for a moment, she leaned against it and closed her eyes, trying to keep her breathing steady. This was the right thing, she told herself. She had an obligation to Dave, she couldn’t just abandon him when she had spent so many years working for and building some kind of future. It was like walking off a job or stopping a building halfway through. She had to see this through. She had everything she wanted, so why were tears rolling down her face?