Chapter 30
Allison knew she had to get some sleep. She was exhausted and her daughter’s next meal service was in an hour. But while her body was ready to surrender, her brain was too busy swirling and dipping, trying to process all that had happened.
It was nearly one in the morning and the house was quiet. Still she got up and pulled on her robe, then tucked the baby monitor into her pocket. She walked barefoot down the hall.
Erica’s door was shut, but a light was on. She knocked lightly.
Seconds later the door opened and Erica looked at her, brows drawn together with concern. “Are you all right? Is it Bethany? Are we—”
“We’re fine,” Allison said quickly in a low voice. “Nothing’s wrong. I just thought... I don’t know. Can we talk?”
“It’s one in the morning.”
“I know. Is this a bad time?”
Erica stepped back and let her in, then closed the door. “No, I was awake. I guess I was just stating the obvious.”
They looked at each other, then glanced away. Allison thought about the surprises she’d come home to—the new furniture, Jackson’s room.
“You’ve done too much,” she said.
Erica returned to her large bed and got in one side. She patted the other side, then settled back against the stack of pillows.
“I’ve done just the right amount. How are you feeling?”
“Tired. No, exhausted, but happy. Bethany’s doing well. She’s eating great and sleeping and pooping.”
“Every mother’s dream,” Erica teased.
Allison slid into the big bed and leaned against the stack of pillows. “These are nice. Very comfortable.”
“I’m a pillow person. The more the better.”
Allison thought about her bed at the house she’d shared with her husband. “Peter hates pillows. Give him one flat one and he’s happy. He thinks any extras are silly.”
“The man is flawed.”
Allison didn’t want to think about that. At some point she was going to have to deal with her husband and what had happened between them, but not tonight.
“Does he know?” Erica asked. “About Bethany?”
So much for not talking about it. “I haven’t told him.” She hesitated. “I wasn’t sure how to get a message to him, then I didn’t know what to say when he made his usual call. She’s early so it’s not like—”
“Stop,” Erica said quietly. “You don’t have to explain to me. I just wondered.”
“Not yet. I’ll go see him in a few days and tell him.”
“How are you feeling physically? Not just the tired part, but the rest of it.”
“You mean passing a baby the size of a bowling ball?” Allison did her best not to shift on the bed. “Sore. Bleeding. Puffy. Slightly beat up.”
“So good?”
She laughed. “Better every day.” Her humor faded. “I need to get my life together.”
“You have a healthy newborn and an adorable little boy. I’m not sure things can be better than that.”
“I’ve been drifting.”
“You’ve been dealing with a ton of crap. Give yourself a break.”
“I need a plan. When I put one together, will you look at it and be honest with me? I really want your thoughts.”
“Hey, when have I not been blunt? It’s kind of my thing.”
Allison looked at the woman who had rescued her from what could have been a hellish disaster. During the long hours of labor, Erica had been at her side, encouraging her, yelling when necessary. She’d been the one to cut the umbilical cord and place Bethany on her bare belly.
“Where’s Killion?”
Erica’s expression immediately tightened as she turned away. “It would be awkward if he were with us right now. The bed just isn’t that big.”
“Why wasn’t he here tonight? It was a big family dinner. He’s family.”
She already knew what had happened—oh, not the particulars, but she’d guessed the second Erica had started talking about what they’d done to Jackson’s room. It had all been about her, Summer and Mara. There’d been no mention of Killion at all, and a project like that was something he would happily take on. He liked doing things for Erica—even if his participation was simply to call a guy he knew.
“Killion’s busy with work.”
Allison continued to watch her friend. “I think that’s the first time you’ve lied to me. What happened?” She held up a hand. “Wait. You broke up with him, didn’t you?”
Erica swung back to stare at her. “How did you know?”
“Because he’s crazy about you and when it comes to giving your heart, you’re a stinking coward.”
“I’m not.”
Allison thought about what she knew about the end of Erica’s marriage to Peter. She was sure it was much worse than she’d been told. As she’d recently learned, her husband had a selfish streak she’d never known was there. There was also a myopic cruelty that if turned on a woman who was still in love with him...
That combined with how Erica had been so out of step with her friends in high school when she’d been more interested in her future dream than in the football captain. Even now, she had trouble connecting with women. She held herself apart, pretending it was because she was busy and they had nothing in common when in truth, she was afraid of rejection.
“I suppose the good news is you’re as flawed as the rest of us,” Allison said lightly. “Just as frail and broken. It evens the playing field.”
“I’m not frail. Why would you say that? I’m a kick-ass bitch. Ask anyone.”
“What happened?”
Erica picked at the blanket. “I told him we weren’t ever getting married. That ours was a relationship of convenience, nothing more.”
Allison winced. “Not exactly what he wanted to hear.”
“That’s not my problem. We had a deal. He’s the one who violated it.”
“How?”
She sighed. “He told me he was in love with me so I broke up with him.”
“Wow, was that a smart decision.”
Erica glared at her. “I don’t need a man in my life. I’m fine without him. Better than fine. He was weighing me down.”
“Then why do you miss him so much?”
“I don’t.”
“Two lies in a night. Don’t make me think I don’t know you.”
“Whatever.” Erica stared at the far wall. “I might miss him a little, but I’ll get over it. I don’t love him and I don’t want him to love me.”
“Of course you do. The man’s amazing. He’s kind and funny and he thinks you’re the most incredible woman ever. He’s proud of what you’ve accomplished, he’d never think less of you. He wouldn’t dare give you the world because he knows you’d have more fun winning it yourself. Why wouldn’t you be in love with him?”
“Then you date him.”
“Erica, be serious!”
Her friend seemed to crumple a little. “I can’t do it. I won’t. I’m never giving my heart again. You don’t know what it was like. Levi was taken from you and I’m not saying that wasn’t tragic. It was. But you didn’t have a choice and he loved you to the end. Peter didn’t love me. When he said he wanted a divorce, he laid me bare and humiliated me. He belittled me. Not just me, but everything I was and wanted to be. I was left with nothing. I can’t risk that again.”
Allison ached for her. “Killion isn’t Peter. He would never hurt you.”
“Of course he would. That’s what people in relationships do. They hurt each other.”
“You know what I mean. He’s a different kind of man.” A better man, she thought sadly. She could see that now. “He would always be there for you. Trust me on this, Erica, being alone is the worst. Life happens and when it gets bad, you need support. You have your mom and Summer and me, but you need more. If you throw him away, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.”
“That’s not true. I barely think about him.”
“Three for three,” Allison whispered. “I didn’t think you were like that.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Then don’t lie to me.”
Erica looked away then back. “Fine. I miss him, but it will pass.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
“I don’t have an answer for that.”
Allison sat on the hard plastic seat and waited for the man she was married to. Even after nearly a half-dozen visits, she still hated the sounds and smells of the prison. Everything was too much. Too bright, too stark, too loud, too fraught. It was not a place any sane person wanted to be. Even the visits had a hopeless, desperate quality to them that made her uncomfortable.
After waiting for a few minutes, she saw him walking over to the table. He moved more confidently, as if he was a man expecting only good things to happen. He smiled as he sat across from her.
“Have you talked to Raymond? He’s making progress with the feds.”
“So he said. Some of the charges have been dropped and he’s hopeful about getting some of our money released.”
She’d gotten a call that morning from the lawyer. She would be getting half the money in savings and the checking account, along with a mature CD that she planned to cash out as soon as it was released.
“You’re going to need some of it,” he said as he reached out to touch her hands. “The rest has to go to my lawyer.”
“What? He has a thirty-thousand-dollar retainer.”
Peter shrugged. “He’s spending a lot of time on my case. The money goes fast.”
Too fast, she thought bitterly, withdrawing her hands and tucking them on her lap.
Peter didn’t seem to notice. Instead he spent the next few minutes talking about his case. She waited, growing more impatient by the second. Okay, yes, she was sitting down and she still had her postpregnancy belly but surely her own husband would eventually notice she’d had the baby.
“Did you want to ask about me?” she asked, interrupting him. “How I am? What’s happening in my life?”
He looked at her in surprise. “Allison, what’s wrong? I thought you’d want to know what was happening with my case.”
“I thought you’d want to know that I had our baby a week ago.”
“What? You did?” His gaze dropped to her belly, then returned to her face. He grinned at her. “You had Bethany.”
He jumped to his feet and waved over one of the guards. “Allison had our baby! I’m going to hug her now.”
The guard shrugged in obvious disinterest. “You’ve got thirty seconds, then sit back down.”
Peter circled the table and pulled her to her feet. “How is she? How are you?” His smile disappeared as he pulled her close. “I wanted to be there. I can’t believe I missed our little girl’s birth. Are you all right? I’m supposed to be taking care of you, but here I am, putting you through all this.”
His arms were familiar. He was thinner than he had been, but still her husband. The man she’d loved and married. The man she had children with.
She pulled the pictures she’d printed from her back pocket and handed them to him. He traced Bethany’s face and smiled. “She looks like you. She’s so beautiful. She’s all right?”
“She’s doing great. Jackson isn’t sure what he thinks of her, but he’s being so good about everything.”
They sat back down and he reached for her hands again. “Tell me everything.” He turned away, clearly fighting tears. “Who was with you?”
“Erica.”
He swung back to stare at her. “Erica was with you in the labor room?”
“Yes. Every second. She was amazing. She took care of me.”
“That should have been me.” He squeezed her fingers. “I love you, Allison. Just give me a little more time to get this straightened out and we’ll be a family again.”
He leaned closer. “Remember that place in Astoria where we went on our honeymoon? That little BB.”
She nodded. It hadn’t been very fancy, but it had been right on the river. They’d stayed up late every night, sitting on their balcony, watching the water flow by in the moonlight. Being there with Peter had been the first time she’d felt whole since losing Levi. By the time they’d driven back to Seattle, she’d known she’d made the right decision marrying him. She’d believed he would always be there for her, would always love her. She’d known she could depend on him.
She’d been wrong about all of it.
“We’ll go back,” he said. “Back to that BB. When I get out.”
She wanted to ask how they would pay for it. After all she was raising two children without him. She had minimal skills and expensive childcare. She’d spent three months being afraid, confused and adrift. She needed direction in her life and that meant coming up with a plan.
That was what she thought about while she nursed Bethany. Her family’s future. How she was going to take care of them.
She looked at the man she’d loved and no longer knew. “I’ve spoken with a divorce lawyer,” she said quietly. “You’ll be served in a few days. It would be better for all of us if you just signed where they said and let me go.”
He stared at her, his expression blank. “What did you say?” He half rose, then sank back onto his chair. The tears returned. “No. Allison, no. Not a divorce. Don’t do that. Don’t cut me off. I love you. You’re my world.”
“You keep saying that. You tell me how much you love me but what you did to me, to our family, didn’t come from a place of love. It came from selfishness and carelessness. You don’t care about me. You want to blame me for what you got yourself into, but that’s as far as it goes.”
“That’s not true.”
She ignored that. “I could deal with all of it if it was just me, but it’s not. Do you know in all the times I’ve come here you’ve never once asked about Summer? She’s your daughter and it’s as if you don’t know who she is.”
He looked away. “She hasn’t bothered to come see me.”
“She’s sixteen. It’s up to you to be the adult. You don’t ask about Jackson, you didn’t notice I wasn’t pregnant. I can’t figure out if you’ve always been self-absorbed or if this is a prison thing, but it doesn’t matter. I’m done.”
His expression turned pleading as tears slipped down his cheeks. “No. Don’t say that. I didn’t mean to end up here. I’m sorry. I did it for you. All of it.”
“Really? What makes you think I wanted to be married to a criminal? What makes you think I wanted a husband who would risk our future on some stupid scheme? I was happy with what we had. I was content. But you didn’t care about that. You thought we should have more and you destroyed what we had. This is on you.”
He cried harder. “What about the kids? I’m their father.”
“I want you to sign away your rights. When you get out of here, I won’t come after you for child support and you won’t ever see them again.”
“No. Allison, I can’t. I love them.”
“Not enough to be their father.”
The tears dried up as he glared at her. “You’re different. You were never like this before. It’s Erica, isn’t it? This is all her idea.”
“She doesn’t even know I’ve talked to a lawyer. She has nothing to do with this.” Allison stood. “You were right about one thing. You said she’d take care of me and she has. She’s the best person I’ve ever known and I will always be grateful to her. But more than that, I’m proud to be her friend.”
She looked at Peter and knew she would always wonder if he’d really changed that much or if she’d never seen him for who he was.
“Sign the papers and let me go. If you ever loved me, let me go.”
She turned and walked away.
“Allison. Allison!”
She ignored the shouts and kept walking. She didn’t have to worry about him coming after her—the guards would never let him get away.
Erica stared at the large bouquet of flowers on her credenza. They’d been delivered two days ago, but they were still fresh and beautiful. She’d tucked the card that had come with them in her desk, but she didn’t have to get it out to know what it said. She’d memorized the words.
I won’t pretend to understand your decision, but I will respect it and you. I miss you. Always.
He hadn’t called or been in touch. He’d only sent the flowers. It was a very Killion thing to do. He didn’t invade her space, but he let her know what he was thinking.
Always.What did that mean? He would always miss her? He would always love her? The latter was completely unacceptable because she didn’t want or need his love, but still she wondered.
He’d left a bigger hole than she’d anticipated. There were no funny texts, no quick calls, no delicious meals, no nights in his bed. She kept herself busy—easy enough to do with four salons and all her personal commitments—but she was always aware he wasn’t there.
The door to her office opened suddenly and her mother stepped inside.
“Where’s Killion?” Mara demanded. “I was finishing with a cut and I realized how long it’s been since he’s been over. His business trips are always only a few days and he wouldn’t go anywhere else without you.”
She started toward the desk, then stopped when she saw the flowers. Her mother frowned.
“Did you fight? I can’t imagine him messing up so much that he needed to send those.”
“We didn’t fight.”
“Then what?” Her mother settled across from her. “I’m done for the day so I can sit here for as long as it takes.”
Erica didn’t know what to say. Okay, sure, she could tell the truth, but that would cause her mother to lecture her and she just couldn’t handle that right—
“Dammit, Erica. You broke up with him.”
“Maybe he broke up with me.”
She expected her mother to snap at her, but instead Mara stared at her with what could only be described as pity.
“When?”
“A little before Allison had Bethany.”
“That long?” Her mother sighed. “What set you off?”
She thought about protesting she didn’t have to be “set off” to make a decision about her life, but knew there wasn’t any point. Mara knew her well enough to see through any lies or pretense.
“Everyone thinks I’m in love with him and I’m not. He’s convenient, nothing more. I don’t care about him.”
“But you still miss him.”
An excellent point. “He’s like a habit. I’ll get over him.”
“Do you remember when your father left?”
The shift in topic was unexpected. Erica thought back to that time. She’d been young. Barely nine. One day he’d been there and the next he’d been gone. She’d been so confused, so scared and had missed him desperately.
“I cried myself to sleep for nearly a year,” she whispered, remembering the pain.
“So did I.” Her mother shrugged. “I knew he was a player and not the type to be tied down, but I thought I could change him. I thought what we had was so special that he would want to be a part of it forever.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No. He told me ten years was the most he could give. That he’d tried to make it work, but he couldn’t. So he left and we never saw him again. It took me five years to stop missing him and get on with my life.”
That long? She hadn’t known. “But you acted like you were fine.”
“You were my daughter. You didn’t need to know about my suffering. You were dealing with your own broken heart. Eventually my game of pretend turned into reality and I was all right.” She paused. “But here’s the thing. He hurt me so much, I vowed to never risk love again and I haven’t.”
“There are tons of men in your life.”
“Casually, yes, but I don’t let them stay. I don’t get serious. I’m seventy years old, Erica, and I’ve lived most of my adult life alone. It was a stupid decision to make then and it’s still stupid. The problem is, this is all I know and I’m too old to change. You still have time and you have a wonderful man who loves you. Don’t be a fool and don’t let Peter win.”
“This isn’t about Peter.”
“Of course it is. He hurt you so badly, you’re afraid to take another chance. But Killion is three times the man Peter ever was. You’re equals. With him you can be yourself fearlessly. That’s a gift. Don’t waste your life like I wasted mine.”