Chapter 21
Tuesday
Matt
“Rob, you’re late,” I said as he strolled onto the field a half hour after practice ended.
Nigel shook his head. “A proper best man must be on time if not early.”
Nigel had a great point.
Rob pulled up his sleeve to look at his empty wrist. “How ‘bout that? I forgot my watch.”
I was pretty sure I’d only ever seen him wear a watch once. “Do you even own a watch?”
“Of course I do,” Rob said. “I have a whole collection. I blame James for this. He should have texted me.”
James lifted his hands. “How is you being late my fault? We both knew the time.”
“Was that the last part of the best man competition?” Mason asked. “Because Rob definitely failed. And I was here first.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Rob said. “You’re acting like I’d be late on the day of the wedding. I would never do that. Daphne wouldn’t allow it.”
That was true. Daphne would make sure Rob showed up on time. But this technically was part of the best man competition. And Rob had definitely failed. “You’re a half hour late, man.”
“But I won Capture the Princess last night. And you know my bachelor party idea is the best. Oh and…I’m your fucking best friend.”
Tanner laughed.
“Don’t you laugh at me, you secret Christmas elf!”
“Young Robert.” Tanner shook his head. “It’s very hard to take you seriously when you’re saying such silly things. An elf? Really? Green isn’t my color. And I’m taller than you. I could hardly be categorized as one of the big man’s little helpers.”
“Well, maybe your dick is little.”
Tanner laughed. “No. But yours probably is.”
“Speaking of our private members, I have an idea!” Nigel yelled.
We all turned to him.
A smile slowly spread across his face. “Let’s have a dick measuring contest to determine who wins the best man competition.”
“What does that have to do with being a good best man?” I asked. This wasn’t a dick measuring contest. It was a best man competition. Why did everyone keep suggesting such weird things for this? I had a whole plan.
“It has everything to do with it,” Nigel said.
That was not an answer. He just wanted a reason to whip out his giant monster dong. “Keep it in your pants, man. Okay, where was I? I invited the five of you here today because…”
“Wait,” Rob said. “Nigel is right. The best man has to have big dick energy. Let’s do it.” He grabbed the front of his belt.
“Rob, stop it. We’re in the middle of a high school football stadium.” And he did not want to have this contest with Nigel. Because Rob would 100% lose. I’d seen what Nigel was packing on my kitchen counter. And I never wanted to see it again.
“But this will settle everything. Right guys?” Rob looked over at Mason and James.
“If you want to finally realize you have the smallest dick, fine by me,” Mason said.
What did my friends not understand about being at a high school right now? We were going to get arrested. And no one was going to beat Nigel. We were all perfectly well-endowed. But Nigel’s dick was made for a freaking elephant.
“So we’re doing it?” Nigel asked. “Good. Biggest dick wins. Agreed?” He turned to Tanner. “You’re in, right?”
“What the hell, Nigel,” Tanner said. “You know it’s too dangerous for me to participate in this.”
What on earth does that mean?
“I’m sure your dick isn’t so big that it’s dangerous,” Rob said with a laugh.
Tanner ignored him, folded his arms across his chest, and glared at Nigel.
“I have to ensure that I’ll win,” Nigel said. “I’m sorry, Master Tanner, but I have to fight dirty. It’s the only way I know how to fight.” He started to lower his pants.
“Don’t you dare drop your pants on this field, Nigel,” I said.
He inched them a little lower as he stared at me dead in the eyes.
“Anyone who whips out their dick is kicked out of the best man competition.”
“But…” Nigel started.
“No buts. Zip it up.”
He sighed and zipped his pants back up.
I cleared my throat. “Now, where was I?” This afternoon wasn’t going according to plan at all. I blew my whistle and Tanner’s animal guy wheeled out a covered cage.
“Hi, Claude,” Tanner said. “Matt, I didn’t know Claude was your animal guy too. Good choice. He is the best. But what does being a best man have to do with animals?”
I’d gotten Claude’s information from Nigel. But I’d actually had Nigel organize all of this. Which also made his random dick measuring contest idea not make any sense. He knew what I was going to ask everyone to do already.
“It’s what the animal symbolizes,” I said. “The most important part of being a best man is holding on to a valuable item.” I stared at all of them.
James raised his eyebrows. “Are you talking about the ring right now?” He glanced warily at the covered cage.
“Yes. You have to protect the ring at all costs.” Brooklyn was probably right. I was having way too much fun with this. Especially since I already knew who I was going to ask.
Something clanged against the inside of the cage and Rob jumped.
“What are you about to make us do?” Rob asked.
“Take care of something valuable,” I said. “And what’s more valuable than a living thing?” I nodded at Claude.
He pulled the cover off the cage.
There were five monkeys jumping around inside. One of them threw a banana peel out of the cage and it almost hit Mason in the face.
“Sorry,” Rob said. “What exactly are you about to make us do?” he asked again.
“You have to take care of your monkey for the rest of the day. Whoever takes care of it best will win this last part of the best man competition.”
“You’re serious?” Rob asked. “You know I’ve never had a pet, man.”
“You’ll be fine.”
Rob shuddered.
“Sounds good,” Tanner said. He walked over to the cage, took out a monkey, and placed it on his shoulder.
The monkey reached out to touch Tanner’s hair, but Tanner snapped his fingers, and the monkey put his hand back down.
Huh. Weird.I didn’t know Tanner was so good with animals.
“This is nothing like a ring,” Rob said and picked up one of the monkeys. “But if I can handle two kids, I can surely handle a monkey.”
The monkey immediately put its hands on Rob’s right pec.
“Why is it so handsy?”
I shrugged. “Maybe it’s a skin-on-skin thing?”
“I’m not getting naked with my monkey.”
Nigel grabbed a monkey too. “Who’s a good little simian?” He rubbed him under the chin.
Like always, I didn’t know what Nigel was talking about.
James walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “You do already know who you’re choosing, right?” he asked, so no one near the cage could hear.
I laughed. “Yup.”
He smiled. “Then I’m going to sit this one out. I’m not risking giving anyone in my family some kind of weird monkey disease. Even if Scarlett would love having a monkey in the house.”
“Fair.”
“I’m also not handling a monkey for the next…” Mason looked down at his watch “…eight hours. But I would like to point out that I have a watch. Not that it matters. Because I already know I’m your best man.”
I clapped him on the back, but didn’t reply.
Mason gave me a hard stare.
“I mean…you’re not even doing the ring test.”
“I’ll gladly hold your rings on the day of your wedding. I’m not fondling a monkey though. But I’ll be at your house later so you can beg me on your knees.”
I laughed. “Never.”
“We’ll see.”
“It tried to bite my nipple!” Rob yelled.
He’d taken his shirt off. Apparently he was taking the skin-on-skin thing seriously.
“None of my kids ever tried to bite me. How long do we have to care for these things?”
“Everyone come by my house at midnight. Whoever’s monkey is the happiest wins. You two come too,” I said to James and Mason.
“Right. So you can beg me,” Mason said.
“Never,” I whispered.
“See you lads at midnight.” Tanner saluted me. And his monkey almost pulled off a salute too before Tanner turned and walked away.
Wow. Okay. Tanner was definitely winning this thing. Especially because Rob’s monkey was still trying to bite him. And Nigel’s monkey didn’t look like he liked being held like a baby. He kept trying to slap Nigel’s face.
***
“Is it even legal to have a monkey as a pet in New York City?” Brooklyn asked.
I shrugged. “No idea.”
“Your friends could be arrested.”
“Trust me, it’s better than what they wanted to do.”
“Which was?”
I laughed. “Nigel wanted to have a dick measuring contest.”
Brooklyn laughed too. “Well, that would have ended poorly for everyone else.”
“He also tried to do it in the middle of the Empire High football stadium.”
“Yeah, your friends are definitely going to get arrested.”
“Trust me, it’ll be fine. No one will get in trouble.”
“Matthew Caldwell.” She sighed and leaned against the counter. “I almost forgot that you never get in trouble. Even though you are trouble.”
I laughed. “Me? Trouble?”
“You gave your friends monkeys to take care of. And none of them have experience with monkeys. And they’re in the middle of a crowded city. You’re trouble. Especially since the best man competition is rigged.”
“They all know that already.” I wrapped my arms around her. “It’s just a bit of fun.”
“As long as no one gets hurt.”
I placed a slow kiss against her lips. “No one is getting hurt.”
“I’m holding you to that.”
“Besides, Mason and James refused to participate.”
“Smart men.”
I smiled down at her. “Have you asked Justin yet?”
“No, I’ll ask him whenever he calls or shows up next. He has a lot on his plate. I don’t want to add anything else.”
“He’s going to be excited.”
“I know.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me again. “I really want to stay up to see which monkey is the happiest. Whatever that means. But I’m not going to make it.”
I laughed and looked at the clock. It was only 9. “I have an idea.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the family room. I turned on a movie, sat down, and gestured for her to lie down.
She smiled and rested her head on my lap.
I looked down at her stomach. Brooklyn had been worried that I didn’t love this version of her. And she was about to change again.
But she had it all wrong. I loved every version of her more and more. I was pretty sure the pregnant version of her was going to be my new favorite.
I ran my fingers through her hair. And two minutes into the movie she started lightly snoring. I barely paid attention to the movie. I just kept running my fingers through her hair and staring down at her. How did I get so fucking lucky?
A knock on the door made Brooklyn open her eyes. “Did I fall asleep?” she said with a yawn.
“And almost woke up the whole house with your snoring.”
“I did not.” She lightly slapped my thigh and pushed herself up.
The knock sounded on the door again.
“I can’t wait to see this,” Brooklyn said.
I opened the door. Rob was standing there. Without a monkey.
He smiled and walked in. “Would you look at that? I’m first. Early even. I think that makes up for earlier, don’t you think? You should just crown me best man now.”
“Rob, where is your monkey?”
“What monkey?” Rob asked.
“The monkey I gave you to take care of.”
“Oh.” He laughed. “That monkey.” But he didn’t offer any more information.
There was another knock on the door. Tanner and Nigel walked in with their monkeys in tow. And Mason and James showed up right after.
I turned back to Rob. “Where is your monkey?” I asked again.
“What monkey?” Rob asked, like we hadn’t just been over this.
“Where is it?” I said again.
“It’s fine,” Rob said with a laugh.
“But where is it?”
“Well. Funny story…” his voice trailed off as he stared at the TV.
The movie had ended and the news had turned on. A red banner was scrolling along the bottom of the screen that said: “Monkey terrorizing downtown Manhattan.” And there was footage of a monkey running down a sidewalk throwing trash at people and grabbing their butts.
What the fuck?
A reporter on the sidewalk started talking. “As you can see, the monkey is groping…”
“Nothing to see there,” Rob said as he grabbed the remote and switched off the TV.
“Was that your monkey?” I asked.
“I mean…I don’t know if there’s any way to tell. That could be anyone’s monkey.”
“Well, did you lose your monkey?”
“Did I lose my monkey?” Rob laughed. “Um. Yes. Yes, I did do that.”
Brooklyn burst out laughing. “You guys are ridiculous. Shouldn’t you go catch that monkey or something?”
“We should let the professionals handle that,” Rob said. “That monkey is way too handsy. Or…my monkey was way too handsy. I don’t know if that was my monkey on the TV.”
“It was groping people,” James said with a laugh. “That’s definitely your handsy little monkey.”
“Well don’t look at me. It’s not like I taught him to grab ass. He was born that way.”
Tanner cleared his throat. “As you can see, I took the best care of my monkey. Look at this. Blow a kiss.”
The monkey blew me a kiss.
How the hell did he teach him to do that?
“Well, my monkey is asleep,” Nigel said. “He’s very docile. Look.” He held up his sleeping monkey. “I’m clearly the best at caring for the animals. Like I’m the best at caring for peoples.”
His monkey was definitely knocked out. And I was a little suspicious that he’d drugged it. Like he’d drugged me that one time when I was “hysterical.”
“Tanner wins,” I said.
“Yes!” Tanner put his fist in the air and his monkey did the same. “I believe that means I’m the best man. I won the most tasks. Matt, I will not let you down.” He rubbed his hands together. “I’ve got everything covered. This is going to be the best day of your life.”
“You absolutely did not win,” Rob said. “And Matt definitely doesn’t want you beside him in all those wedding pictures. He wants his best friend. Me.”
“Wait, there’s…pictures?” Tanner asked.
“Yeah, man,” I said. I was confused about why he seemed surprised about this. He’d been to weddings before.
“Oh.” He laughed. “Like pictures you’re keeping very private? And not on display? And that you’ll burn upon your death?”
“Um…no,” I said. “We’ll get some printed out for the house. We’ll print out some for you too. And everyone in the wedding party. And my parents of course…”
“No,” Tanner said.
“No you don’t want pictures?”
“No, I don’t want you to take pictures.”
“We’re taking pictures at our wedding, Tanner,” Brooklyn said. “Everyone takes pictures at their wedding.”
“Well I…I didn’t know that,” he said.
“How could you not know that?” I asked.
He cleared his throat. “Because I grew up overseas.”
He used that excuse all the time. But it made zero sense.
He cleared his throat again. “So the privacy settings and burning of pictures isn’t up for negotiation?”
Brooklyn and I looked at each other. “No,” I said.
He sighed. “Well, I have to respectfully step down from the best man competition.” He looked devastated. “I need to be on the edge of every picture.”
“Why?”
“So I’m easily removable.”
Rob laughed. “See. Barely a friend. He wants to be removed. Perfect. Put him on the end. And I’ll be right next to my best friend.” He clapped me on the back.
I was so confused. Tanner had been dead set on being my best man. What was going on?
“I also need to regretfully decline being the best man,” Nigel said.
“Why?” I asked.
“I do not like being photographed. I will also be on the edge of the photo so I can easily cut both Master Tanner and myself out of the picture upon your d…”
“Shh,” Tanner said.
“Right,” Nigel said. “But I never wanted to be the best man anyway. Because I already have my title.” He smiled. “I’m the best boy!”
Brooklyn laughed. And for some reason I laughed too. Okay, Nigel.
“Great,” Rob said. “Mason and James weren’t participating, so it’s me, right? I’m the best man? Fuck yes!”
“Actually…” my voice trailed off and I looked over at Mason.
Mason smiled.
“Mason, I asked you 16 years ago, and I’m asking you again. Will you be my best man?”
“What?!” Rob yelled.
“Yes,” Mason said. “I won’t even make you beg.”
I laughed.
“No,” Rob said. “I’m your best friend. Even Tanner admitted…”
“I didn’t admit to anything,” Tanner said. “I just don’t want there to be photographic evidence…”
Nigel elbowed him in the side.
“Right.” Tanner nodded. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I have nothing else to say.”
I had no idea what was going on. “And James, Rob, Tanner, and Nigel, I’d love for you guys to be my groomsmen,” I said.
James nodded. “Of course, man.”
“No,” Rob said. “I’m the best man.”
“Rob, you can stand right next to Mason,” I said.
Rob smiled. “Deal. That still makes me the best friend. Since Mason is your brother. And you were always going to ask me to be your number two, right? Even without whatever the hell is going on with Tanner being scared of cameras?”
I actually didn’t know. And I was happy I didn’t have to make that choice. Tanner and Nigel had made it easy on me. And I wondered if that’s what they were doing. Because they really were good friends. I smiled at Tanner.
He shrugged like it was no big deal.
But it was. And I appreciated it. I’d appreciate it even more if he didn’t cut up all my wedding photos though.