CHAPTER 18
ADDY
He pulled back and set me down so I sat on the end of the counter. Both of us were panting and I felt as though I couldn’t be still. I needed more and that need was pushing me to make sure he didn’t stop.
“Can I?” Jordan asked as he fingered the hem of my sweater and glanced up to me.
“Here?” I looked around nervously.
“It’s just us. No one’s coming in here anytime soon,” he promised me.
“Eli…” I started to argue.
“Just trust me, okay?” he cut in.
“I do,” I replied breathlessly. I lifted my arms and instantly Jordan ripped off the sweater I wore, and the t-shirt beneath until I sat in only my jeans and bra before him. I tried not to let my insecurities flood me, but it was the first time I had been so exposed in such bright light. I knew he’d be able to see every scar on my body.
I wrapped my hand around the back of his head as he leaned in and kissed along the top of my breasts. Before I knew it I was whimpering with delight and need, all of my insecurities and worries forgotten. As if he didn’t have the patience to try and remove my bra Jordan ripped down the cups and then his mouth was on my nipples, one then the other. A tremble ran through me as I held onto his head, wanting more of what he was doing, while also desperate for something else.
“Okay, Addy?” he whispered as he eased off my nipples and gently kissed the top of my breasts. His hands slid around my back, and then my bra was gone.
“More,” I uttered breathlessly. “Please Jord. More.”
“I got you, babe. We’re gonna go slow, okay, but if you need me to stop, or slow down more, all you have to do is tell me,” he explained as he checked in with me, meeting my eyes and studying my face.
“I know that too,” I assured him. I smiled to try and reassure him, and it was a genuine smile. I wasn’t scared, or even worried. I wanted whatever Jordan was willing to give me. I trusted him completely and that overrode any darkness that could have snuck into my thoughts to ruin the perfect moment.
“I don’t think you realize what you do to me, when you put your trust in me like that,” Jordan growled, then his lips crashed down over mine again and we kissed passionately. It was a crashing of teeth and tongues, both of us wild and desperate.
“Lie back for me. I’ve been waiting forever to find out how you taste,” Jordan told me as he stepped back just slightly and ripped off his own sweater and t shirt in one wildly fast movement.
I did as he asked. The cold stone counter against my bare skin below me had another shudder running through me. Anticipation was only making the need within me build higher. Then Jordan was unfastening my jeans. I placed one arm under my head and looked up at him with a blush spreading on my face. It was bright daylight and I was going to be so on display before him laid where I was. I couldn’t help feeling a little anxious about what he would think of my naked body.
“Talk to me, beautiful. Are you still good with this?” he asked as he paused midway through peeling down my jeans and panties in one.
“I just…are you sure we should do this here?” I whispered as I looked around me again.
“Yes. I want you laid out right here on this counter for me,” he told me, and when I met his eyes they were filled with heat. “But if it’s too much, then that’s okay. We can stop.”
“No!” I cried. “God, don’t stop. I just…it’s so bright and my…my scars. My body too. I’m too thin and…”
“Enough. I don’t want to hear you saying those bullshit things about this perfect body, Addy.” He ran his hands up and down my exposed thighs as he looked up to me with all of the heat still in his gaze. “You’re perfect, fucking beautiful, and sexy as hell. I’ve waited so long to have you laid out before me like this. I want you, all of you. Don’t doubt that, okay?”
“I’ll try,” I agreed, knowing it wasn’t an easy thing to simply agree to. It was hard not to feel extremely unattractive next to this amazingly handsome, sculpted, sexy as sin man.
“Good,” he nodded. “Now tell me what you want.”
“Exactly what you were about to give me,” I admitted with a shy smile.
“That’s my girl,” he told me with a wink that had me blushing again. I lay back as Jordan ripped the last of my clothes from me.
“Fuck. You look like a piece of art laid there. I wish I could paint like Eli, so I could have this moment forever,” he told me as he stood just staring at me.
“You’re crazy,” I laughed, but it had broken my anxiety about my nakedness, and I was able to relax as he leaned in, lifted my right leg and trailed kisses up the inside of my thigh. Even more heat rushed through me and I found myself trembling with need and anticipation.
He turned to lift and kiss my left thigh too, then he lifted my feet, bracing them both on the edge of the counter so they were spread widely.
“Jordan?” I whispered, worried about the position I was now in with my knees up and my center so open before him.
“You look fucking perfect like that for me, princess. Are you comfortable?” he asked as he glanced from between my legs and up to me. God, the way he looked at me and the things he said were just making me even more needy, if that was possible.
“Comfortable?” I repeated as I looked to him with confusion. I didn’t know what feelings to embrace. I was desperate for him to touch me, but also nervous and unsure about being so exposed and open with him. I knew I had scarring between my legs too, from the time I was taken – from the monstrous way those men treated and used me. Could Jordan see that? Would it make him think less of me if he remembered what I was? What I had been forced to do?
“Addy,” I snapped my eyes up to meet Jordans. He had come around the counter and was beside me now. I hadn’t even felt his hand running over my forehead soothingly. “Talk to me. This is too much, isn’t it?”
“I…I don’t know,” I rasped as I slammed my legs together and sat up a little. Jordan wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his arms, wrapping my chilled body in the heat of his own.
“Let’s get you dressed and we’ll just watch a movie, okay? I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. We don’t need to rush this,” he told me as he held me and ran his hand up and down my naked back.
“No,” I whispered as I pulled back. “I need something, Jordan. I don’t want to stop. I just….I guess I psyched myself out,” I tried to explain, not wanting to end things again. I wanted Jordan. I knew that for sure.
“About what? Did I push too far?”
“It’s not that. I…I’ve done this. Adam and I….before Max, we did some stuff in the shower and I…I liked it. I’m not scared. I trust you Jordan and more than anything I need you to touch me, but…well, it was just so bright in here and I know you said you want me, but how can you see past the way I look? I have scars everywhere. I’m too thin and pale. I probably look like a skeleton,” I scoffed.
“Stop that. I told you before, I love every inch of you. You’re beautiful and sexy in my eyes and nothing you say will change that. Do I wish you had a little more weight on? Yes, but not because I think you’re in any way unattractive. Because I want you to be stronger and healthier. Because I want you to be with me for the rest of my life.
“I love you, Addy. I’m not just saying that. I feel it in every part of my being. You are it for me. I love your body, your smile, how smart you are. I love the way you make me smile, and the light that I feel inside knowing that I get to be with you. I love every single tiny thing about you and nothing you could ever do can ever change that.
“I see your scars, but they don’t change the way I see you. They’re a part of you now, just further proof that the woman I get the honor to love is truly a fighter. A survivor. My perfect, strong, sexy as hell princess,” he told me, every word said with passion and such honesty.
I lifted my head from where I had been hiding against his shoulder and met his eyes. He smiled gently, but didn’t release me from his arms.
“I’m sorry I freaked out,” I told him as his words ran through my head.
“You don’t need to be sorry. This is all new between us and I dare say we’ll need to have more conversations like this as things move on. I know this can’t be easy for you after everything. The only way it’s going to work is if we’re honest with each other, and if you speak up if you ever feel even the slightest worry or doubt.”
“That’s just it though. I’m not worried about us having sex. I do trust you Jordan. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. It’s just my own insecurities ruining things,” I explained further.
“Then I guess I’ll just have to work harder to prove to you how perfect you are,” he smiled.
“Can we carry on…please? I want you so desperately right now. I don’t want to stop.”
Jordan’s lips crashed down over mine before I’d even finished the last word, then he was lifting me into his arms. I hurried to wrap my legs around his waist to hold on as he started moving through the cabin and up the stairs.
“We’re carrying on,” he told me as he pulled back long enough to glance around at the top of the stairs. He moved to the door of my room and opened it, kissing down my neck as we walked in. The door crashed shut, and I guessed he had kicked it, but I didn’t take enough notice as I clung to him, my head tipped to the side to allow him more access to my neck. It drove me crazy when he nibbled the skin there, then soothed with more kisses.
I looked down as he placed one knee on the bed, then lowered us both down enough to lay me in the middle of the mattress.
“Shall we start up where we left off?” he asked with a sexy lift of his eyebrow and I nodded vigorously as I lay back and braced my upper body on my elbows.
I squealed in delight and shock when Jordan wrapped his huge hands around my ankles and dragged me to the very bottom edge of the bed. He kissed my inner thighs as he placed my feet at the edge of the mattress, just the way he had downstairs, and I fell back, laying plat on my back as the wild need within me built back up immediately and flooded through me.
I took a deep breath of anticipation as Jordan pushed my knees apart, but I didn’t freak out. Somehow it seemed more intimate and less terrifying in my room, with the door closed between us and the rest of the world.
“I already know you’re gonna taste so fucking good,” Jordan growled as he dropped to his knees on the floor at the foot of the bed. I pushed myself up onto my elbows just as he gently parted my lips. “And you’re so wet for me too. You want me, princess?” he asked as he glanced up to me.
“So bad,” I admitted in little more than a whine.
There was so much heat in Jordan’s eyes as he lowered his face between my legs and instantly started sucking my clit. That heat was just what I needed to ease the last of my concerns about what he was seeing, and just relax.
I threw my head back and cried out at the pleasure that instantly lit within me. God, he was so good at what he was doing to me. I didn’t even care that I was completely bare and exposed before him as I got lost in the sensation of him lapping at my clit over and over again, sending me closer and closer to the orgasm I was so desperate for.
“Jordan!” I cried, then I was keening and gasping as my whole body became taut with the rising pleasure consuming me. I screamed as the orgasm hit, the sensation so strong and overwhelming it almost scared me. A feeling of happiness – like I imagined being high felt – came over me as I came down from the high. Jordan was still lapping at my clit, bringing me down slowly, and it felt perfect. I felt a little trippy when he lifted his head and looked to me with a gentle smile.
“You’re so fucking beautiful right now,” he told me as he ran the back of his hand over his mouth. “So perfect for me.”
“That was so good,” I almost purred as I pulled my legs together and let them flop to the side.
“Just good? It seems I might have to work harder next time,” he teased as he climbed up the bed and lay beside me.
“You killed my brain. I can’t remember any bigger words right now,” I told him as I turned to face him with a huge smile on my face. He cupped both sides of my face and kissed my forehead dramatically, then he pressed me into his front, my head resting on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me. I felt so safe and happy in that moment with him, and I never wanted it to end. I wanted more. I was ready.
“Jord?” I said after a few blissful minutes.
“Yeah, Princess? You okay?”
“Amazing,” I assured him as I lifted my head to look up at him. He was smiling just slightly, looking pretty content himself and the moment just felt perfect. “Can we do more? Will you…h-have sex with me? I don’t know if I can…if I’ll fr-freak out, but I want to try, with you. Will you?” I asked nervously.
“We don’t need to rush this, Addy.” Jordan looked more worried than eager and that put me off right away. I wanted it to be good and could it really be if he was just terrified I’d freak out on him?
“I’m not rushing, Jordan. I wasn’t ready before. When Adam and I…I knew I wasn’t ready to do that , but I feel like I am now, with you. Will you let me try, please? I need to try and take this part of myself back,” I explained, or tried to anyway. I stared at him with a pleading look, my emotions way too close to the surface for my liking, but I meant what I had said. Sex had been taken from me by those bastards over the years I was held captive. I wanted it back, and I wanted it to be with this amazing man who I loved and trusted unwaveringly.
“We go slow, okay?” Jordan gave in after studying my face hard for several moments. “The second you feel anything but good, you have to tell me. I don’t want to do anything to scare you, ever.”
“You won’t, Jord. Even if I do freak out, it won’t be because of you,” I promised him. “But I swear I’ll tell you if we need to stop,” I added when he looked unconvinced. “You want this too, don’t you?” I questioned as I studied the apprehension on his face. The last thing I wanted to do was force him into it.
“Fuck, Addy. Of course I want this. I want fucking everything with you, but only ever what you’re ready and willing to give.”
“I’m ready and willing,” I told him as I lifted myself up enough to place my lips over his, kissing him over and over. After several pecks Jordan lifted me onto his lap and held me to him as he kissed me more passionately. In moments I found myself pressing closer to him, loving the way his hard chest felt pressed against my breasts.
“You’re so brave, beautiful. I’m always so in awe of you,” he whispered as he moved his lips down my jaw, neck and then started to tease my nipples, softly at first, then harder, nipping with his teeth.
“I’m only brave right now because I know I can be when I’m with you. I know you’ll never let me fall,” I uttered as my breaths became shorter and shorter.
“Never.” Jordan picked me up enough so he could slide out from beneath me, then he lay me in the center of the bed, my head propped on the pillows. I watched on in delight as he pulled off his jeans and socks, then he stood before me in nothing but a very snug fitting pair of black boxer briefs.
“Jees, Jordan. You’re the one who’s perfect,” I gasped as I took in every inch of his perfectly toned body, stacked shoulders and miles and miles of golden skin.
“Not perfect, babe,” he said as he watched me watch him. “But I feel pretty close to it when you look at me like that,” he added with a smile.
“Are you keeping those on?” I asked as I dipped my eyes to his boxers.
“Depends. Are you ready for me to take them off?”
“So ready,” I told him honestly, and a confident smile spread across my face in response to the smile he was giving me. This was what I loved about this man. He was my light, no matter what was trying to drown me in darkness. He was always there to put a smile on my face and make me laugh. He made me happy just by being who he was, and I needed him in that moment, more than I had ever needed anything.
Feeling confident I rose up onto my knees and knee-walked down the bed to where he stood. I reached out and just managed to get my hand on his shoulder, pulling him closer until he pressed against me. I had to look up and reach a little to meet his lips, then I kissed him hard and fast, wanting him to feel just how ready and sure I was about this.
“Take them off, handsome,” I whispered as I pulled back and instead kissed the underside of his jaw. “Don’t make me wait any longer for what I want.”
“So fucking sexy,” he whispered as he brushed a feather light touch over my nipple. When his hand got to the middle of my chest he ever so gently pushed me back, urging me to lie down, and I acquiesced instantly, never taking my eyes from the beauty of his. I lay back on my elbows so I was propped enough to get the best view. I watched hungrily as he slowly peeled down his boxers and pushed them down to his ankles. The whole time he did that, then stepped out of them, his eyes remained on me, like he was taking me in as I lay naked before him. It was sexy as hell, the way in which he seemed to take his time. I pushed my thighs together as tightly as I could just to try and relieve some of the throbbing need.
“I think you’re ready for me, beautiful,” he rumbled as he looked to my clenched thighs, then back to my face with a sexy smile.
For the first time I lowered my eyes below his waist and saw he was most certainly ready for me, his thick cock standing up and pressed against his abdomen. Nerves started to make themselves known as I considered the pain it could cause when he pushed himself into me.
“Addy?”
“I’m okay,” I told him as I looked up and met his eyes. “Just…you’re big. If it hurts I…”
“It’s not going to hurt. I’m going to take my time and make sure you’re ready, okay? And if it does you tell me and we stop. Simple as that. You’re in charge right now,” he assured me.
“Simple as that,” I nodded as I forced myself to just breathe and relax. I’m in charge , I reminded myself. If I say stop, Jordan will stop.
“Trust me, babe. Let me show you exactly how much I love you. There’s no past, no future, no worries, or darkness in this room right now. There’s just you and me in this moment,” he told me softly.
“Just you and me,” I repeated as I took in the words. They meant so much. That was exactly what I wanted – to just forget everything else outside of that room existed for a while and drown in Jordan. I nodded and reached my arms out for him. He knelt on the end of the bed and leaned forward. I opened my legs, allowing him to press his larger body between my thighs. He braced his weight on his hands beside my head and leaned in to kiss me slowly, teasing me with his feather light pecks and toying with me as he moved those pecks down my neck.
I hummed in delight as he moved down my body, kissing each of my nipples, then working his way down to lay slow, sensual kisses along my scarred stomach. His hand moved from the left side of my head and snaked down the trail his lips had blazed, until it found it’s way between my legs. He ran his fingers through my folds, which I knew were already soaked with my need for him, but Jordan was in no rush, taking his time as he covered my stomach with soft, reverent kisses.
“I want you so much right now I’m scared I might come before I even get inside you,” he whispered as he looked up at me, his eyes seeming darker than usual. “I didn’t even feel like this when I was a horny sex-crazed teenager. I’m desperate for you, Addy.”
I smiled, relieved he’d lightened the moment with his comments and also fully believing the desperation in his voice. He really wanted me and I wasn’t going to allow my doubts to question that. Not then. Not in that perfect moment.
“I’m desperate too, Jord. Please!” I cried as his lips moved back up to my nipple and he bit down, right as he also toyed with my clit.
“I feel it, princess. So wet for me. Such a good girl,” he rumbled as he rose up onto his knees over me and grabbed a silver packet from the mattress. A condom, I realized.
“Where did that come from?” I asked with a wide smile, thanking God he’d thought to bring one with us.
“Always prepared. That’s me,” he joked, with a wink that made me laugh out loud. In seconds he had torn the rubber circle from the packet and he had it slid onto his long length. “All you have to say is stop, remember?” he said as he looked to my eyes and seemed to hesitate.
“Just you and me,” I whispered with a nod.
Jordan leaned over me and pressed his forehead to mine, holding his weight on one hand as he used the other to guide his length to my entrance. He pushed in just a little at first, then pulled back. Each time he pushed forward he pushed in a little more, and not once did he take his eyes from mine, watching me so closely for any sign that I needed him to stop. The care and protectiveness he showed had me feeling emotional, My eyes were glassy as I reached up and wrapped my arms around his wide shoulders, my hands landing on his smooth back and clinging to him.
As he seemed to be fully seated inside me he started to move a little faster and I smiled realizing how good I felt. Happiness filled me at the realization all I knew in that moment was pleasure and a deep, perfect connection with Jordan.
“What’s that smile for?” he asked gently as he lifted his forehead from mine and studied my face.
“It feels amazing, Jordan, and that…it’s special,” I whispered truthfully, hoping he understood, and that I hadn’t just ruined the moment.
I was glad when Jordan just leaned in to kiss me again. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to have this wonderful, blissful time with a man I loved.
When he broke the kiss and sat up a little, he began to move again, this time a little faster, every stroke sure, but also gentle. The pleasure within me started to build and I clung tighter to Jordan’s shoulders. My heart was pounding hard and a sheen of sweat broke out on my skin as I lifted my legs, wrapping them around his waist and pulling him even deeper inside me. I needed him closer. I never wanted him to stop.
As if he heard my silent pleas for more, Jordan started to thrust a little harder, each stroke landing with force right where I needed it to. A whimper escaped me as I tried to move with him, chasing the high that was right there once again.
“Come with me, princess,” Jordan gasped as he sat up and wrapped his hands around the backs of my thighs, holding me in place as he thrust even harder and faster. It was exactly what I needed and I cried out loudly, my back arching and my legs gripping Jordan desperately as my orgasm washed over me again and again.
Jordan’s lips crashed over mine, swallowing my moaned cries as he thrust into me once more. His lips were pressed against mine as he gasped in pleasure, his movements slowing and instead turning into slower, short thrusts.
“Fuck,” he gasped as he moved his head to the side enough to get a breath in. We were both gasping and panting, me still lost to the high of my pleasure as he turned his head and kissed me twice. “So fucking perfect, beautiful.”
As I came back to myself, Jordan eased down laying just a little of his weight on top of me, and it felt so good to be pressed beneath him, the both of us twitching from the after effects of our orgasms.
“You can never leave me now,” I uttered as I lay boneless beneath him.
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re screwed if you ever get sick of me,” he laughed.
“Never gonna get sick of you if you keep doing that,” I sighed happily.
“You’re okay?” he asked, sounding more serious all of a sudden. I looked up and met his eyes as I smiled.
“I’m perfect. For the first time, maybe in my whole life, I know I’m right where I should be. No doubts. No worries, Jordan. Just you, me, and this perfect, perfect moment.” I kissed him twice and relaxed when I pulled back to see the small, contented smile on his face. He looked as at peace as I felt and that was what I wanted to see.
“That’s because you were always supposed to be with me,” he told me as he kissed me once more, then he got to his feet and slid off the condom.
“Two secs while I clean up,” he told me as he moved towards the bathroom. I couldn’t do anything but lay where I was, a huge dopey smile on my face. All I felt was happiness and it was wonderful.
Minutes later Jordan walked back into the room, gathering me up in his arms and holding me as he pulled back the comforter and got us both beneath it. He settled me at his side, half laid on him with my head on his shoulder, my arm around his waist and my leg thrown over his. He held me tightly to his side and kissed the side of my head a few times.
“I meant what I said, Addy. You are it for me and I’m never letting you go. No matter what happens you’ll always have me,” he whispered as he seemed to settle in the bed beside me.
“Good because like I already said, I’m never letting you leave me,” I returned as I snuggled even tighter against him.
“Then it’s settled,” he said, sealing the words with a soft kiss. “Get some rest. I’ll be right here the whole time.”
I don’t even know if I responded to that, but I do know it was the last thing I remembered before my eyes closed heavily and I drifted into a peaceful, happy sleep, still basking in the perfection of what had happened between us both.