CHAPTER 19
ADAM
It was late by the time I pulled up outside the house, not that it mattered. Jordan was so pissed with me, we were barely speaking, and Kane was pissed with everyone and everything. I had no excuse to be home without Addy. My whole family was falling apart and it was on me.
I got out of my car and slammed the door way harder than I needed to. It was my permanent state lately – ever since I was released from that fucking hospital – rage. I was so fucking angry with everything and everyone, but the truth was that I was just taking it out on other things and people. All of my anger was truly aimed at myself.
I was a failure. I’d failed Addy and Eli just the way I always failed everyone and I was fucking sick of it. I had tried so hard in the years I’d been clean to be better and do better. I worked hard to protect my brother, and my brothers not by blood -Asher and Eli. Then Addy came along and I wanted her from the moment I saw her. The first time she smiled at me - all shy and nervous, but trying so hard to be brave – I knew she had to be mine. I thought she was my chance at redemption. I thought if I could take care of her and protect her from the evil that had already tried to take her from this world, that I could be a better man this time. Yeah right! That worked out real well, didn’t it?
I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore. Jordan hated me. I’d pushed Addy away. Even Ash was barely speaking to me. I wasn’t doing my job at the house. I barely even worked out. I was a huge disaster and I wasn’t even sure if I cared anymore. I loved Addy, but I wasn’t good enough for her. I would never be the man she needed, nor the man she deserved, and without her I just…I didn’t know anything anymore.
I walked into the house, throwing the door closed behind me. I knew Kane would be back at his place brooding, and Jordan would have eaten and gone to his room as he had every night since we stopped talking. I missed my fucking brother so much, but there was nothing I could do to appease him. He called me out on the way I treated Addy, and he was right. I was an asshole and a coward, but I couldn’t fix it. Addy was better off without me.
I stormed into the living room, headed for the kitchen for some water before I headed to bed, but I froze when I found Asher sat in the armchair beside the lit fire, a glass of scotch in his hand. The house around him was silent and he didn’t even have his cell in his hand like he always usually did.
“Ash? When did you get back? Where’s Addy?” I asked as I looked all around me, just desperate to lay my eyes on her and see for myself she was alright.
“I’ve been sat here for two hours, drinking enough whiskey to try and give me the courage to face what I have to ask you, brother,” Asher said instead, ignoring my questions.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I snapped as I stepped closer to him. “What’s going on?”
“Where have you been?” Asher asked.
“Out.”
“Out huh? I seem to remember getting that answer a lot after your parents died,” he said, then he threw back the contents of his glass and slammed it down on the side table.
“Ash, where’s Addy?” I asked more desperately. Had something happened? Is that why Ash was acting so oddly?
“She’s safe,” he said as he rose to his feet and finally met my eyes as he stood opposite me. He was studying me hard and I started to suspect what he was thinking.
“I’m not on anything, Asher,” I sighed as I stared at him, letting him see my pupils were regular sized. I’d have been mad, but I could hardly blame him for thinking the worst. It wasn’t like I hadn’t come really fucking close over the last week. Jordan had already asked me if I was using again, but I hadn’t thought much of it because he’d been so angry with me at the time.
“Are you using again?” Asher asked, and his body was so taut as he stood, bracing himself for the answer. He looked terrified and I felt like shit for putting him through that.
“Thought about it,” I admitted. “Even went looking for my dealer the other night.”
“Ad! Why the hell didn’t you call me, or Jordan? Why would you do that?” Asher snapped.
“I didn’t go through with it. I’m still clean, alright? I’m good!” I threw back as I rubbed a hand over my exhausted face.
“You’re not even close to good. Anyone can see that. Why do you think I’m here?” he asked as he stepped back and flopped back into his armchair again.
“Jord? He called you?” I guessed.
“He’s terrified, Adam. He was too scared to even confront you, worried sick he already knew the answer.”
“I’m not using!”
“Where were you then? It’s almost midnight? Are you drinking?” he asked.
“No! Christ! Thanks for the faith in me, brother!” I hissed as I rounded the sofa and sat opposite him in the middle of it. “I’m not using drugs, drinking or whatever the fuck you’re gonna ask me next.”
“Then what? Jord said you’ve been coming and going at all hours, and you’re not exactly looking your best,” he pointed out.
“Meetings, okay! AA fucking meetings. I started going to them a few weeks back when I felt myself slipping. Everything’s such a mess Ash, and the cravings…you have no idea,” I told him as I lowered my head and wrapped my hands around the back of my neck, my gaze on the floor between my feet.
“Oh, I think I have some idea,” Ash laughed coldly. “I think I was dragged into it all enough last time you were addicted, for me to have some basic fucking understanding!” He was pissed now. I could tell by the way he was breathing so fast and fidgeting in the seat he sat in. His cool veneer was slipping.
“She was almost fucking killed!” I yelled as I shot to my feet and started to pace. “I love her Ash. I promised I’d protect her and I failed her! She could have been killed. Eli too. I failed them both.”
“Jesus Christ, Ad. I can’t do this with you again!” Ash snapped as he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from beside the chair and sloshed it into the glass at his side. “If you failed them, then so did I. So did Kane and Jordan. We all promised Addy she’d be safe. Even Eli promised her that. Shall we blame him too?”
“You weren’t there! I was. I was the one who just laid there, useless, while they carried her away. I’m the one who was too fucking stupid to get Addy the hell out of there when I should have!”
“And that’s what all this is about? This bullshit is why you’re breaking my sister’s heart and making her sick with guilt and worry? Because you’re drowning in this self-deprecating shit? Fuck me!”
“She’s better off without me, Asher. You know that better than anyone. One crisis and I’m turning back to fucking drugs. How can I ever be good enough for her?” I questioned.
“Maybe you can’t, not if you’re truly this fucking selfish, you prick!” he snapped back.
“I’m trying to protect her.”
“Yeah, well that’s working out just great. Addy isn’t sleeping or eating. She fell apart last night, having a complete meltdown, and the people she wanted, the men she needed, who supposedly love her, were fucking nowhere to be seen. That protecting her? Is ghosting her with zero explanation and allowing her to blame her fucking self for it all, protecting her? She fell in love with you, you asshole, and you’ve hurt her more than you can ever even know.
“Just stay the fuck away from her if this is the best you can do, because I can tell you here and now – it’s not fucking good enough! If this pathetic version of the best friend I grew up with is all that’s left of you, then you should just let her go. She doesn’t need this weak version of who you used to be.” He got to his feet and stormed towards the stairs, leaving me reeling.
“Asher,” I called and I was relieved when he stopped. He was as close to me as Jordan and I didn’t want to lose him from my life. “I’m just trying not to hurt her.”
“Too fucking late, you idiot. Either you find the balls to tell her it’s over, or pull yourself the fuck together and be the man she needs – the man she fucking fell in love with!”
“She still loves me?”
“She never stopped, even when you treated her like shit,” he sighed. “You know I love you, Adam. You’re my brother, but I can’t go through you using again, and neither can Jordan. Remember just how much you have to lose next time you go driving round looking for your dealer.” With that Asher jogged off up the stairs, leaving me alone with my own thoughts and the reality check he’d just given me.
I knew he was right. I was being pathetic. Jordan had told me the same thing, but I couldn’t help the guilt that had consumed me over what Addy and Eli had been through because I failed to protect them. It fed into the guilt I already lived with daily about the death of my parents and my inability to save them, and it had built inside of me until I didn’t see why anyone even wanted me around.
I was a fuck up. Always had been. Except Ash said Addy still loved me, despite everything, and suddenly it felt like I had an excuse to try again. I wanted to be a better person for that tiny slip of a woman. I wanted to prove to her that I was worth loving, and that I loved her just as much in return. As terrified as I was that all I could ever do was let her down, I also knew I didn’t want to let her go, not if there was still a chance.
Asher was right. I needed to pull myself together and be better. The fact remained that I had failed the woman I loved when she needed me most, but if I could have another chance, I wouldn’t allow that to happen again. I wouldn’t fail her. I wouldn’t allow my weakness and vices to take her from me. I could and would do better, for her and for myself. For my family.
The fact Asher and Jord seriously thought I’d been using again was a slap to the face and a deafening wake up call. I’d put them both through hell last time. I couldn’t do that again, not to them, and certainly not to Addy.
I had a lot of work to do, I realized. I needed to get things back on track and it was definitely time I thought about getting a counsellor to talk to about my issues. Maybe it made me a selfish sonofabitch, but if Addy still wanted me, then I sure as hell wasn’t walking away. Not without one hell of a fight anyway.
***
I woke up early the next morning, feeling more positive than I had in weeks. I had a fuck ton to put right, but at least I felt in a better head space. I got up and headed right for the shower. I washed my hair and took the time to trim my stubble, which had grown way too long in the last couple of weeks. When I looked more like myself I pulled on clean jeans and a button down shirt, then I stripped the bedding from my bed and grabbed up several loads of laundry that I had neglected for at least the last week, maybe more.
I grimaced when I got downstairs and saw the state of the kitchen. I hadn’t cleaned it since before I got shot. Eli, Ash, and Addy had been taking turns, but since they left, the place was like a frat house.
I was midway through loading the dishwasher when Kane walked in through the door from the garden and dropped onto one of the stools at the counter.
“Hey,” I greeted as I stood and looked him over. He looked better than I’d seen him since Addy left, dressed in black jeans and a green sweater. His hair was styled in place and he’d shaved.
“What happened to you? Did you actually shower?” he asked as he looked up at me with surprise.
“Fuck you. I’ve been showering,” I countered.
“Didn’t smell like it,” he uttered and I didn’t respond, because I hadn’t exactly been too worried about hygiene for a while now, so he likely wasn’t wrong.
“You seen Asher yet?” I asked instead.
“He’s back?” Kane asked as he sat up more and looked around. I nodded. “Addy?”
“No. He said she’s safe, but nothing else. He gave me a good kick up the ass though.”
“Jordan told me he thinks you’re back on drugs,” Kane said bluntly.
“Yeah, I know, but he’s wrong. I won’t lie and say I haven’t struggled, but I’ve been going to meetings and I’m still clean,” I assured him.
“Are you going to try and get Addy back?” he asked. “Because if you are, that bullshit needs to be dealt with. She’s been through enough. You can’t make her go through losing you like that.”
“I’m gonna deal with it. I got some numbers for therapists, and I’ll keep going to meetings. I’m not going back to that, Kane. And yes, I’m getting Addy back,” I said firmly.
“Finally pulled your head out of your ass then?” Ash said as he strode into the kitchen with his laptop under his arm.
“I’m trying. I don’t know if Addy will forgive me, but I have to try,” I replied.
“It’s a start,” Ash nodded. “And what about you, asshole? Do I need to kick your ass for treating my sister like a fucking possession?” he growled as he turned to Kane.
“Spare me the threats, man. Jordan already gave me the kick up the ass I needed. I was a complete bastard and I know it now. I was just so scared I’d lose her and I kind of lost it.”
“Kind of?” Ash questioned.
“Fine. I fucked up majorly, but as soon as Addy’s willing to see me, I intend to apologize. I won’t treat her like that again. I was an asshole and I know it. Where is she?” Kane demanded.
“With Jordan and Eli,” Ash answered casually.
“Jordan?” I repeated.
“She needed him close after what happened the other night, and I thought I might be of more use here, getting you two fuckers in line.”
“So she’s forgiven him fully then?” Kane asked.
“She never blamed him. She never really blamed any of you. You know what she’s like. She placed all of the blame for what was going on between you, on her own shoulders. She misses all of you, but she’s worried she’s not strong enough to hear what the two of you have to say to her. She’s terrified you’ll end it.”
“That’s not happening,” I grumbled.
“He’s right. I’m not ending anything. I fucking love that woman,” Kane agreed. “We need to see her.”
“Not yet. I’ll talk to her when I go back to her. If she feels ready then we’ll go from there, but none of us are rushing her, and I’d definitely feel better if you both got some kind of therapist lined up first.”
“I already have the numbers. I’ll make some calls today,” I agreed.
“I’m not seeing a fucking therapist. Been there, tried that.”
“Kane, you have issues, and not just with your over protectiveness. If this thing with Addy is ever going to work, you need to find someone to talk those issues through with,” Asher pressed.
“It doesn’t help, Ash,” Kane groaned.
“It helped me. I can get in touch with the guy I talked to. It could work for you too,” Asher suggested. “You need to do this, Kane, or I’m not sure I can let you see my sister. I won’t risk you hurting her again, the way you have these last weeks. She’s been through enough.”
“You can’t force me into this, asshole,” Kane argued.
“No, I can’t, but if you can’t do this small thing for Addy, do you really think you’re worthy of her?”
“He’s right, Kane,” I agreed. “Just try, for Addy. If you don’t like the guy Asher saw then we can try others. We all need to try and be less fucked up for the girl we love.”
“Fine. I’ll try, but no promises,” Kane gave in.
“Good enough,” Asher nodded. “Now that’s settled I need you to look through these house listings and tell me which is the easiest for you to make secure.” Asher opened his lap top and placed it on the counter before Kane.
“House listings? Doesn’t Addy want to come home?” I worried. Had we really made things that terrible for her that she couldn’t even be there with us?
“None of us are living here. I’m knocking the place down and rebuilding,” Ash said flippantly as he rounded the counter and went for the coffee.
“What? Why?” I gasped.
“Addy doesn’t feel safe here anymore. Eli is struggling after what happened to him here too, and you almost bled out on that front step. I think we could all use a fresh start, and while I do the work, I want us to have a comfortable lease place to live,” he concluded, nodding to where Kane was already studying house listings.
“I thought you and Eli loved this place?” I looked to Ash as I tried to take in what he’d said. Sure, I did struggle with passing the step where I’d laid, so sure it was the end, and I completely understood Addy not feeling safe there after what happened, but still. Knocking the place down seemed excessive.
“We did, but now it just reminds me of the terror we felt when we pulled up in that drive and saw you surrounded by blood. My best friend -my brother – was bleeding out and my little brother and sister were gone, taken by monsters. Jordan hates it here too, because all he sees is you on that step, and Eli hasn’t relaxed here since he got back home. It has to go, and I’m excited to design and build something new. I have plans for something that will better suit our needs now our family has changed.”
“Okay,” I sighed. I couldn’t argue, since I knew he was right. The bad memories stole the good ones from us all in that house now. “Fuck, should I start packing?” I looked around me, knowing packing the whole place up was going to be a mammoth task.
“No. I’ve hired a company that will come in and ship everything to the lease house, then set up as similarly as possible to here. I want the place to be homey when Addy’s ready to come back,” Asher explained.
“When will that be?” Kane asked as he looked between us both.
“I don’t know. She’s not in a good place right now. She’s speaking with her therapist online every day, but she’s barely eating and her sleep is terrible. I don’t want to push her to do anything she’s not ready for,” he explained, and Kane and I nodded. I hated that Addy was in pain and I wasn’t there to soothe her, but it was what I deserved after the way I’d messed everything up.
“Look guys, she’s okay, alright? Let me get back to her and talk. Once she knows you guys want to talk, I’m sure she’ll reach out to you, but whatever happens, you can’t rush her. Whatever Max put her through when he took her, it’s made her past come right back to the surface and she’s so fragile right now. She might just need some time,” Asher went on.
“Whatever she needs, Ash. I understand, but please make sure she knows we love her and we’re here when she’s ready, okay?” I requested and Kane nodded his agreement.
“When are you going back to her?” Kane asked.
“Tomorrow morning. I have a meeting with the architect later and I want to have the lease property paperwork done so we can get the keys.”
“I can get to work on the security as soon as you do. I have interviews with some new staff members later too,” Kane said.
“People you know?” Asher worried.
“Some. Some are recommendations from guys I trust. No matter what I will be digging deep into their backgrounds, financials, everything. I won’t fuck up again, Asher.”
“I know, Kane. I trust you to make the right choices. I want personal protection teams specific to Addy and Eli, so try to choose people they’ll get on with. Two for each of them, so someone will always be with them. I’m not taking any more risks, and before you say it, I know you want to be Addy’s protection, but I think it’s better you resume your duties as head of security and let someone else be on Addy. You can’t be her boyfriend and her guard. I think we proved that already,” Asher warned and Kane reluctantly nodded.
“I’ll coordinate with this packing company and make sure the new place is all set up as fast as possible, so it’s good for Addy when she’s ready to come back,” I told Asher, leaving Kane to mull over what he’d been told.
“I’d appreciate that, man,” Asher told me and I nodded, relieved to see him looking more relaxed now. I hated what I’d put him through. I knew what it had done to him the night before, having to ask me if I was using again after everything he went through the last time I was. I hated that I’d done that to him and to my brother. I needed to apologize to Jordan too, a lot. He had to have been terrified when he thought I’d slipped again. This was why I had to pull myself together. I couldn’t continue putting the ones I loved through the ringer because I was a selfish asshole. I had to do better.