Chapter 8
EIGHT
That kiss.
Nick could mark his life by a series of moments that had changed everything for him. Being accepted into art school. Meeting Raina. Marrying Raina. When each of his kids was born. The crash that had taken Raina from him.
That kiss.
Everything Nick thought he knew about himself had been blown completely out of the water in the course of a single evening. Although looking back on things, it had been much more than a single evening. It had been every walk he and Bax had taken together, every time his heart sped up when Bax laughed. The moment Bax joked with him at Raina’s memorial fundraiser counted in there, too.
Honestly, if he looked farther back, he could reasonably say it started with Matt from uni. That hadn’t been as much of a fluke as he’d thought. Raina must have sensed something about him back then, but if she’d tried to tell him more directly, he hadn’t listened. He could even see how the way he’d always been deeply attached to his friends in school as a sign of what he’d been oblivious to all this time.
He wasn’t as straight as he’d always assumed he was.
He had no idea what to do about it. It wasn’t like he was going to rush into London and demand membership in The Brotherhood. He still had kids to raise, classes to teach, and a unicorn sculpture that he was falling more and more behind on.
He did manage to find time to finally weld the unicorn’s head to the rest of its body two days after Imbolc. As soon as the joins were complete and stable, he took a step back and looked into the unicorn’s still hollow eye sockets.
“You knew,” he told it, feeling like he was looking into his own soul. “Of course you knew.”
The unicorn seemed to grin back at him with Raina’s mischievous love of romantic drama. That only squeezed Nick’s heart harder and made him feel like he was tumbling down a hill, unable to stop himself, but enjoying the thrill.
Knowing he might just be falling was one thing, running into Bax in the halls every day was something else entirely.
“I missed you on our walk this morning,” Bax said in the evening, two days after Imbolc, when they ran into each other in the hallway.
“I…er…the unicorn…and the kids….” Nick’s face felt like it was on fire and he couldn’t make himself stand still. His gaze kept wanting to drop to Bax’s mouth. And farther. He wanted to look at Bax’s body to see if he had any sort of sexual reaction.
He refused to let himself go there, though. Mostly out of fear. He already knew that he found Bax attractive. Looking at his body was like entering the metalwork studio for the first time and seeing a bunch of strange and intriguing tools that he didn’t have the first clue how to use, but that he wanted to play with.
“It’s alright, Nick,” Bax said with a soft laugh. He rested a hand on Nick’s arm. “I get it.”
“Are you sure?” Nick asked, going all hot and immediately wanting to kick himself.
Bax’s smile stayed bright and cheeky. “I think I do. It’s a lot to get used to. I assume you’re taking some time to process.”
“I…um…yeah, I guess that’s it.” Bax let his hand drop, so Nick immediately rushed on to, “It’s not that I don’t want…. I mean, I liked kissing you.”
He felt stupid for lowering his voice as he said that. They were in Hawthorne House, for Christ’s sake. The entire Hawthorne family was queer in every which way. Even Raina had been open about having relationships with girls before she met him.
“Take your time,” Bax said.
He then did the complete opposite of what he’d said by leaning in and stealing a kiss. Then he rushed off with a giddy grin, probably to do something even more contradictory, like crunching numbers for the arts center.
Nick shook his head and continued down the hall to his flat.
He was twisted around enough already, so opening the door and finding his mum there with the kids instead of Imogen was not anything he was ready for.
“Hello, dear,” his mum said from the kitchen, where she was deep in the middle of cooking supper. “You’re looking a little flushed. I wish they wouldn’t make you work outside, like a common street person.”
Nick pressed his lips together and frowned as he went to pick Macy up from the playpen in the middle of the lounge floor. Both of his babies instantly started squealing for his attention as soon as he came through the door. Once he had Macy secure, he picked up Jordan in his other arm. Right now, he had the strength to lift both kids, but Jordan was growing like a weed, and someday managing both of them like that would be too much, even for a blacksmith.
Which was one argument as to why he wanted his babies with him as much as possible.
“You’re cooking?” he asked as he carried the babies into the kitchen.
“Someone has to,” his mum said, still giving most of her attention to the pots and pans on the hob.
“I do know how to cook,” Nick said. “I was planning to make spaghetti tonight.”
His mom tsked. “Spaghetti is far too messy for toddlers. They need good, wholesome food that can be cut into small, manageable pieces.”
Nick thought about arguing for all of three seconds before deciding it wasn’t worth the hassle.
“You look overtired and flustered,” his mum said, leaving the hob to take Macy from him.
“I’ve got them both,” Nick said, unable to keep Macy as long as he was holding Jordan. Macy let her granny know just what she thought about that by screaming.
“Hush, darling,” she said, pulling the hand Macy had just stuck in her mouth out. She turned to Nick and said, “You don’t need the stress and strain of taking care of these dear ones when you have so much else to do.”
Nick arched an eyebrow. He pretended to be interested in what was cooking so he could step out of the line of his mum’s confrontational stare. “I love my children. I love taking care of them.”
“Yes, but you’re a man, dear,” his mum insisted. “You should be the breadwinner, not the caregiver.”
“Mum, that’s so twentieth-century,” he said, turning to her with a sigh.
“You’re young, Nicholas. You have a life to live.”
Nick narrowed his eyes. “I’m not giving my children to you. They stay with me. End of discussion.”
His mum hummed and turned back to the stove with Macy squirming in her arms.
“How is your sculpture progressing?” she asked with a sneaky sideways peek.
Nick sighed. That comment was as much an argument for him to give her the kids as blatantly asking for them. Instead of rubbing a hand over his face in exasperation, he grabbed Jordan’s hand and pretended to be a big, ugly ogre devouring it. That made Jordan laugh hilariously, which made everything better in his soul.
“I got a lot of work done on the unicorn today,” he said as if speaking to Jordan. “The structure is all in place, and now it’s just a matter of refining the details.”
“The clock is ticking, isn’t it?” his mum asked. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have loads more free time for your art, and for other things?” She sent him a look that obviously meant dating.
“End of story, Mum,” he said, meeting her eyes firmly. “End of story.”
He doubted it was the end of the story, though.
It wasn’t the end of the story when his mum showed up two days later to take the kids to her place because Imogen needed to study. Apparently. It wasn’t the end of the story when she asked to have them for the entire weekend. Nick flat-out said no to that.
Of course, then he had to come up with a way to justify why he wanted the kids with him that weekend. He didn’t have a specific reason, but the part of him that balked at outright lying to his mum about anything demanded some sort of an alibi.
“I should just be able to tell her to mind her own business and be done with it,” he told Bax on their walk Friday morning. “I’m a grown man and she’s overstepping.”
Bax hummed, his manner and his strides calm and easy. “She’s your mum. I wouldn’t want to tell my mum off for anything either. Even if she was wrong.”
Nick turned to study him. “Has your mum ever been wrong?”
Bax snorted, then said, “No, of course not. She’s my mum.” He then grinned wickedly.
Nick found himself smiling and feeling lighter, even though it didn’t make any sense.
Except it did make sense if he could just let himself acknowledge the truth that was staring him in the face.
“Mum was shocked when I told her I was joining a coven back when I was eighteen,” Bax said. “She accused me of being a witch, which I guess technically I am, and said she wouldn’t speak to me until I saw sense, as she called it.”
“Obviously, you didn’t,” Nick said.
Bax shrugged. “I believe what I believe. She’s had to accept that. But it was painful to have to go through those years when she disapproved of me. She saw sense eventually. She did marry a Hawthorne, after all, and Dad convinced her it was in our blood to do whatever we want to do. Your mum will come around, too.”
Nick hummed doubtfully. His mum was stubborn.
Bax swayed closer to them as they walked, then reached for Nick’s hand. Nick flinched away from the unexpected gesture at first, but he recovered and slowly slipped his hand into Bax’s. Bax was definitely a witch. There was more magic in holding his hand as they walked than he’d ever encountered before.
More than that, Bax immediately came up with the perfect solution to his weekend problem.
“You know there’s a winter festival over in Maidstone this weekend,” he said. “I’ve never been, but I hear it’s a lot of fun. Food, games for the kids, shops selling all sorts of things. We could all go.”
Nick’s eyebrows shot up and he gaped at Bax. “You’d actually want to give up your weekend to chase me and the kids around a winter festival?”
Bax smiled and shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”
Another thrill of excitement shot through Nick. If Bax was willing to spend time with the kids as well as him, maybe there really could be something between them.
Bax stayed true to his word. Saturday morning, he showed up bright and early on Nick’s doorstep, ready to help stuff the kids into their coats so that they could set out for Maidstone and the winter festival.
“You’re getting pretty good at that,” Nick said, nodding to Bax as he unbuckled Macy from her car seat and lifted her into his arms.
“Who would have imagined,” Bax replied with a wry laugh.
Nick tried not to read more into the comment than was there. Was Bax just humoring him where the kids were concerned to get into his pants or something? Bax wasn’t a natural with kids, but he’d been doing alright. Maybe it was all a show, or maybe it would grow old and he’d change his mind and bugger off.
“Ooh! I smell caramel!” Bax said to Macy. “Can toddlers eat caramel candies?”
“Maybe a little,” Nick said, lifting Jordan into his arms and using his hip to shut the car door. “Fair warning, she’ll make a complete mess of it.”
“I think I’m up to the challenge,” Bax said with a wink as they headed off toward the booths and shops.
Nick was worried Bax would get bored of carrying Macy around, that the amount of attention kids needed would ruin the entire experience for him. He would have brought one or both of the buggies with them for the kids, but there were a lot of people wandering up and down the high street and the buggies would have been more trouble than they were worth.
At the same time, there was something deeply satisfying about him and Bax working together to keep the kids entertained while they wandered through the festival. Jordan and Macy were too young for most of the activities, though Jordan did spend five minutes completely absorbed in coloring a snowflake at one of the tables. Five minutes was about his upper limit for attention span, though.
“Do you want a coffee?” Bax asked Nick at one point, after they’d been wandering for nearly half an hour.
Nick twisted away from where he and Jordan had been looking through a shop window at a display of candies to find Bax staring longingly at the coffee shop across the way. With an inward wince, Nick realized he’d barely paid any attention to Bax at all.
“I wish,” he said, shuffling Jordan in his arms as he started to squirm and whine while reaching for the candy window. “I’m not sure I have enough hands for this one and a cup of coffee.”
“I could hold it for you,” Bax said, his eye dancing with mirth and suggestion.
Before the teasing could even land, Macy wriggled in his arm, trying to get down. Instead of flirting and throwing around innuendo, Bax had to focus on not letting Macy fall.
It wasn’t what he wanted. Nick was sure of it, though he tried to fight the thought off. He heard his mum’s voice in his head saying that young men should be free to live their own lives. That didn’t just apply to him. Bax shouldn’t have to be tied down to a man with two small children. He was used to an adult world.
“Oh! Look. The coffee shop has hot chocolates, too. Could the kids have those?” Bax asked.
Nick admired his determination to carry on and give them all a treat.
“We could try,” he said. “I think I have some spare sippy cups in here that we could put the hot chocolate in.”
They headed to the outdoor coffee shop, and as Bax bought their coffee and hot chocolate, Nick did his best to get the kids settled and to find the sippy cups in the nappy bag he’d brought with him. The kids were ready for a rest and behaved fairly well when Bax returned with the treats.
“You really don’t have to do all this if it’s too much,” he said once Bax was seated across the table from him, as he poured hot chocolate into the sippy cups and tried to keep them out of his babies’ reach until they were cool. “This isn’t exactly the best way to date.”
“Who said this was a date?” Bax asked, leaning back in his chair and grinning at Nick over his coffee cup.
“Oh, er, I didn’t mean that,” Nick rushed to cover his slip. “It’s definitely not a date with kids. Not that I would say no to going out on a date with you.”
He couldn’t believe he’d just said that either.
“I mean, I don’t know what this is, but I know you’re not used to hanging around with small children,” he rushed on. “If you’re disappointed, I would understand.”
Bax was still grinning. In fact, he looked like he was having the time of his life just watching Nick fall apart with embarrassment. “I’m not disappointed,” he said. “Definitely not disappointed.” He winked, then sipped his coffee.
It was a blessing that the kids were there and that the hot chocolate was cool enough for them at that point. Nick needed the distraction to cool the heat in his face and the arousal that zipped around his body. He was now willing to call those feelings he hadn’t been willing or able to name arousal, but he still didn’t know what to do with them.
He barely had a chance to drink his coffee before the kids were done and ready to move on again. Toddlers had a different pace than adults, and as Bax stood and offered to carry Macy for a while and to hold Jordan’s hand as he walked so Nick could finish his coffee, Nick could only hope that Bax could keep up.
He hoped Bax would want to keep up. As they walked on, looking at displays of lights and stopping to listen to a singer, he could imagine how perfect everything might be if Bax was there to help for more than just an afternoon. He could hardly remember what it was like to co-parent. Macy had only been a month old and Jordan less than two years old when Raina had died.
It wasn’t just about having help with the kids, though. It was about having someone to share his life with. Someone he clicked with and could explore new things with. Everything with Bax was new, and for the first time in a long, long time, Nick felt ready to try something new.
“Listen, about that date,” he said after another forty-five minutes of walking around, when he’d finally worked up his courage.
“Yes?” Bax asked, turning to him with a growing smile.
Nick opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, he spotted his mum and Joann heading toward them. Not only that, Kate Danbury was chatting away with them.
His mum stopped when she spotted them, then changed direction.
“Good heavens, Nick,” she said. “Is this what you meant when you said you had plans this weekend?” She glanced to Bax as though he were the plans.
“Hello again, Mrs. Turner,” Bax said, looking like he might burst into laughter.
“Hi, Mum,” Nick said, fighting not to feel like he’d been caught doing something wrong. “Fancy running into you here.”
“Do I know you?” Joann asked, narrowing her eyes slightly at Bax.
“This is Baxter Hawthorne, Raina’s cousin,” Nick introduced him, then turned to Bax. “This is my sister, Joann.”
“Nice to meet you,” Bax said. He could only nod to Joann, since he had a wiggly Macy in his arms.
“And this is Kate,” Nick’s mum said, suddenly smiling at Nick. “We were just talking about you.”
“It’s been ages, Nick,” Kate said, stepping forward to give Nick a hug that he hadn’t asked for. “I was so sorry to hear about Raina. If you ever want anyone to talk to, you know I’m here for you.” She flicked her long, blonde hair back and made eyes at him.
Nick could have died on the spot, he was so embarrassed. He was pretty sure he knew what all the talk about him had been about.
He glanced at Bax apologetically, ready to take Macy if he needed to. He found Bax grinning at him like the day’s entertainment had just begun.