Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
In the weeks right after Raina’s death, Nick had been completely numb. It was strange and uncomfortable to have a moment that you could point to, a specific, neon moment, when everything in your life changed. He had his life before Raina and now after.
He had his life before Bax, and he had his life now.
There wasn’t a specific moment that Nick could point to that had changed everything. Maybe it was the first time they’d met, although that had probably been way back when he’d been dating Raina and she’d introduced him to her huge wild family. It could have been that moment at the fundraiser, when Bax had mentioned he’d be staying at Hawthorne House for the winter. Or maybe it was that first, quiet conversation they’d had in the forge.
It didn’t really matter. Bax was in his life now, and as the exhaustion of the traumatic Friday evening wore off, after the additional fuss of feeding, changing, and bathing Jordan and Macy once they’d made it home from the hospital, he and Bax passed out in his bed together. They’d rolled out of bed on Saturday morning to deal with more drama as Jordan realized his bandage wasn’t coming off and he couldn’t use his hand. Through it all, Nick realized he didn’t ever want to lose Bax. Ever.
It was Sunday afternoon now. Macy was back to normal and Jordan was on his way to healing, though he was still grumpy as all get-out. Janice had volunteered to watch the kids for the afternoon so Nick could face his next challenge, repairing Raina’s unicorn.
He let out a sigh as he stood in front of the broken sculpture, trying to figure out where to start. One entire side of the work had been squashed when it had fallen into the table, but it wasn’t as bad as he’d feared at first. The body of the unicorn had remained more or less intact. That was where the thickest, heaviest bits of work were, and a fall into a table wasn’t enough to dent it.
It was the rest of the work, the fine, fiddly bits, like the mane and tail, that had suffered in the crash. The horn was hopelessly bent now, too. The unicorn’s pose was rampant, so the two legs that were up in the air had broken. Jordan had cut his hand on the raw edge of one of those. They weren’t destroyed completely, but they needed serious work.
It could be fixed. With a little time and effort, the whole thing could be repaired.
“Best get started, then,” he sighed, then headed off to the side to don his apron and goggles and to fetch the tools he’d need for the job.
The weather was warming quickly, so all of the canvas that had sheltered the forge during the winter was rolled up. That gave Nick a wide view of Hawthorne House’s grounds. The film crew would be coming back in a week to shoot a few more scenes for the medieval movie. Nick wondered if he and Bax would be dragged into being extras again.
He smiled as he grabbed his favorite tongs from his special shelf. Only now did he realize how hard Bax had been flirting with him when they’d been filming that scene. Lord, but he’d been dense back then.
His smile faltered as he caught a hint of movement between the trees, where the path he and Bax, back when they were taking walks in the morning, liked to walk wound through the woods. He craned his neck and stood on his toes, trying to figure out if the movement was Bax taking a walk now.
Not that he liked the idea of Bax taking a walk without him. Bax could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, but going on a walk without him felt a little too close to Bax pulling away.
He shook his head at himself and moved on to where he had the sculpture set up right next to the new forge. He would start by repairing the unicorn’s legs, since they were the biggest job. From there he’d redo all the fiddly bits.
Ten minutes in, and his thoughts were more on Bax than his work.
Bax had been wonderful, both in watching Macy when they were at the hospital and yesterday, when his focus had to be on Jordan all day. Bax had played with Macy, fed her, and even changed her, which Nick knew he still felt a little awkward about. He’d taken such a huge weight off his shoulders.
And plunked that weight right down on his own.
Bax wasn’t as comfortable with the idea of parenting as he pretended he was. Nick didn’t have to sit him down and have an entire conversation with him about it to know. He was struggling, and that worried Nick. If something wasn’t done soon to make everything okay, he was at serious risk of losing Bax for good.
“It looks like that’s coming along nicely.”
Nick jerked away from smoothing the join where he’d just reattached the unicorn’s right hoof to find Rafe walking into the forge with two steaming mugs. The split second of hope he had that Bax had joined him flattened, but he recovered quickly at the sight of Raina’s brother.
“It looked worse than it is when it fell,” he said, putting his tools down, pushing his goggles up to his forehead, and walking over to see if one of the mugs Rafe had was for him.
“It’s tea,” Rafe said, handing one of the mugs over, then leaning against one of the worktables. “I didn’t know if you were a coffee or a tea guy.”
“I can go either way,” Nick said, then laughed loudly at his inadvertent joke right before bringing the mug to his lips.
Rafe laughed with him, and instantly, half the anxiety that had been pressing down on Nick mellowed.
“I should have known that you weren’t entirely straight,” Rafe said, smiling, then taking a sip of his tea. “Anyone who would throw their lot in so thoroughly with this family couldn’t possibly be entirely straight.”
“Are any of the Hawthornes entirely straight?” Nick asked, then sipped his tea.
Rafe cocked his head to the side in exaggerated thought, then nodded. “Yes. We had a great-aunt Mildred who was straight, but that was during the war, so who knows?”
Nick grinned and leaned against the table opposite Rafe. It was wonderful to have friends. The Hawthorne siblings could have kept him on the outside when he and Raina had married. They could have waved goodbye to him and the kids after Raina’s death. Nick was forever grateful that they’d kept him warm and cozy in the fold.
“How are you holding up?” Rafe asked. The significant feeling of his words hinted that he meant more than just Jordan and the squashed unicorn.
“I’m doing alright,” he said, crossing his ankles and warming his hands around the mug. “Nothing has been broken that can’t be fixed.”
Rafe gave him a lopsided smile. “I assume you mean more than just the sculpture?”
Nick nodded. “The doctor who did Jordan’s stitches said the wound could have been a lot deeper. It’ll be a pain in the arse trying to keep a three-year-old from using his dominant hand for the next few weeks, but at least he won’t remember it once he’s healed.”
“For all you know, this could end up being his first childhood memory,” Rafe said.
Nick grunted. He wasn’t sure he liked the idea of that. He also didn’t love being reminded that people tended not to remember anything about their first few years of life. It meant his kids probably wouldn’t remember their mother. Macy definitely wouldn’t. Raina had died when she was a month old.
He wondered if they’d remember Bax. If he had his way, they wouldn’t have to remember Bax because Bax would be a part of their lives. It was probably too early for him to be thinking that way, but he couldn’t help it. When he fell, he fell hard and fast.
“You’ve got a very expressive face, you know,” Rafe said.
“Sorry,” Nick replied, realizing he’d been lost in his own thoughts for a second. “I was thinking about Raina.” That wasn’t the whole truth, so he added, “And about Bax.”
Rafe nodded, as if he knew exactly where those thoughts had taken him. “Raina would be proud of you, you know,” he said.
Nick had to take a quick gulp of tea to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. “Thanks.”
“I know she’d give her blessing to you and Bax,” Rafe went on.
Nick finished swallowing and nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure she would.”
Rafe looked surprised that he would say that. “I’m glad you recognize that. If you were Rhys, I’d be sitting here lecturing you about how you have to move on with your life and how Raina would have wanted it that way.”
Nick laughed, but he still felt like Rafe was poking him.
“I think I’m falling in love with Bax,” he said far more openly than he’d speak to pretty much anyone else. “I mean, I know I love him, but I think I’m really, really falling hard.” He didn’t know why talking to Rafe was easy. The man had an openness about him that exceeded even the usual Hawthorne family standards.
“It’s pretty obvious to all of us that he’s head over heels for you, too,” Rafe said.
Nick smiled and felt his face flush over that.
A second later, the mountain of his worries fell down on him again.
“I’m worried that he’ll leave me,” he confessed, then quickly drank the last of his tea.
“Why the hell would he do that?” Rafe asked, setting his mug aside.
Nick shrugged and stared into his empty mug. “He’s so sexy and carefree. Before we met, he had an entirely different kind of life. I know that the kids annoy him sometimes.” He paused. “I know I annoy him sometimes.”
Rafe made a face. “I’m pretty sure that everyone annoys everyone else, even the people they love the most, at least some of the time.”
“Yeah, but I can’t offer Bax the things he wants and needs.”
“Says who?” Rafe shrugged. “You offer him something different.”
“Do I really?” Nick asked. “He already has a family in you all. He even has Jordan and Macy because they’re family. He could walk away from me tomorrow and still keep the rest of you.”
“Why would he want to walk away?” Rafe asked.
“Because I’m not enough for him,” Nick said, pouring out all his insecurities, whether they were logical or not. “Or because I’m too much. Because I’m not what he’s used to or what he needs. He deserves someone who can go on walks with him and celebrate his religion with him. Someone he can go to bed with whenever he feels like it and not be interrupted by kids waking up from a nap.”
“So that’s what worries you?” Rafe asked. “You think that Bax will break up with you because of the kids?”
Nick opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn’t.
“Yes,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “That’s exactly what I worry about.”
“Well, first, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Rafe said.
Nick wasn’t so sure and made a face to express that.
“Second,” Rafe went on, ignoring his look, “You’re a single father. You have kids. You can’t change that. If Bax loves you for who you are, which I’m convinced he does, then he’ll love you for the kids, not despite them.”
“Parenting doesn’t come naturally to him,” Nick argued.
“Does it come naturally to any men?” Rafe asked. “Women, I get. They come with wombs. Although I don’t think it’s really fair to throw that on them or to play into gender stereotypes,” he added, like he was arguing with himself. “Whatever the case, I happen to believe being a good parent is something we learn, not something we’re born with. Science might disagree with me, but I think it’s something that could be taught.”
Nick stared at him. “I’m not sure if you’re making this easier or harder,” he said.
Rafe laughed. “I’m not sure either. Too long, didn’t read, Bax loves you. I think the two of you have serious potential to go the distance with this love affair. God knows the entire family wants the two of you to stay together.”
“Really?”
“Hell yeah. We’re all giddy with glee that we’ve managed to catch you a second time.”
Nick laughed. It was reassuring to know the Hawthornes were happy with his and Bax’s relationship. His family definitely didn’t like it.
But that raised all sorts of other questions. He wanted to make things with Bax work, but now he felt like he had the weight of the Hawthorne family’s expectations pressing down on him, too.
“I don’t want to let any of you down,” he said, growing serious.
“Don’t worry about us,” Rafe said, pushing himself straight and grabbing both mugs. “It’s your life. You deserve to live it however you want.”
He gathered both mugs in one hand, then thumped Nick on the arm before heading out of the forge.
“Thanks for the tea,” Nick called after it.
“We should spill it more often,” Rafe said with a wink, then ducked out of the forge.
Nick watched him for a second before putting his goggles back on, donning his gloves again, and going back to work on the unicorn.
His heart felt a little lighter, but his thoughts continued to race. He wanted Bax more than ever, knowing the family liked the idea of them together. He felt comfortable and whole with Bax for the first time since Raina’s accident. It wasn’t that Bax completed him or anything half as Hollywood as that. Bax just helped him to be himself.
Rafe was right. He deserved to be himself. He was just discovering who that was. He loved his kids more than anything, but life wasn’t just about one thing or another.
Relationships weren’t just about one thing or another either. He wanted to find and learn about himself, but he wanted Bax to feel happy and fulfilled as well. Bax wasn’t just an extra that he tacked onto his life, like the unicorn hoof that he worked to reattach to one of the rampant legs. He couldn’t just fit his lover into his life whenever it was convenient for him. He needed to give Bax more, more time and more of himself.
His thoughts swirled harder and harder as he worked on buffing the metal to hide the seam in the unicorn’s legs. The sparks that flew off the metal felt like the dangerous seeds of the idea that had taken hold in him and didn’t seem to want to leave.
There was a way he could devote more time to Bax and to their relationship. It was a way that was staring him right in the face and that had been there all along. It would tear his heart out, but it might just make it easier to keep another part of his heart with him.
He rolled the idea over and over as he finished his work for the day, then as he cleaned up the forge and prepared it for class the next morning. Once the idea grabbed hold, it didn’t want to let go. He would catch all kinds of hell from the Hawthorne family, but if it made Bax happy, he was willing to consider drastic measures.
Once the forge was tidy and prepped for the next day, Nick went to grab his mobile phone from where he’d left it on his shelf. He took it to one of the outer walls that looked out on the growing green of Hawthorne House’s landscape, wedged himself against the wall, took a deep breath of the forge’s familiar, smoke-and-metal scent, then dialed his mum’s number.
“Nicholas, what is it?” his mum answered, already frantic. “Is it Jordan? Has something else happened to his hand? Is it infected?”
“No, Mum, it’s not that,” Nick said, unable to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Jordan is fine. Well, as fine as you could expect a three-year-old with a stitched-up hand to be.”
“Is he in a lot of pain? Did you give him the painkillers from the hospital?” his mum asked. “I have my doubts about the strength of the medicine they gave him.”
“It’s fine,” Nick said. “It makes him drowsy, which is actually a good thing this early in the game, if you ask me.”
“Where is he?” his mum asked. “Put him on so I can talk to him.”
Nick sighed and rubbed his face. “He’s up at the flat with Janice looking after him and I’m down at the forge.”
His mum tsked. “Janice Hawthorne knows nothing about how to properly care for children.”
“Mum, Janice raised seven children,” Nick said. “She knows her way around kids.”
“And look at how they all turned out,” his mum muttered.
Nick blew out a breath. His mum wasn’t making things easier on him. His emotions were already all over the place with the idea brewing in him.
“All that aside,” he said, his heart suddenly racing, “I’ve been thinking.”
“Yes?” his mum asked suspiciously.
“I’ve been thinking that maybe you’re right. Maybe I do need a little time for myself.” He wouldn’t bother telling his mum that it was actually time for Bax he was looking for.
“Nicholas, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” his mum asked, hope simmering in her voice.
Nick swallowed. “I’m saying that maybe we could do a trial run, a trial only ,” he emphasized, “of the kids staying with you for a while.”
“Yes, Nick, this is perfect,” his mum said, running away with the idea, like he knew she would. “I have their rooms ready right now. Just give me the afternoon to do a bit of grocery shopping and I’ll come pick them up this evening.”
“Mum,” Nick said, every instinct in him wanting to tell her to slow her roll.
He wasn’t sure this was a good idea. In fact, he thought this was a terrible idea. He didn’t want to be separated from his kids, especially not when Jordan was injured. He didn’t want to wake up to a quiet house or do nothing but sit around on the couch all night staring at the telly.
But he wouldn’t be doing that. He would be sitting on the couch at night with Bax. He would wake up in the morning with Bax in his arms and be able to make love to him without any fear of the two of them being interrupted. He could take Bax out and do grown-up things with him. He might even learn more about Paganism and help Bax find a coven to belong to. Maybe he could join it, too.
Bax. He was doing this for Bax. He wanted the relationship to work, but to do that, sacrifices had to be made. It would be hard, really hard, but it would also be temporary.
He had no choice. Try as he did to tell himself otherwise, he couldn’t shake the feeling that if he didn’t give up his kids, Bax would abandon him.
“Alright,” he said, letting out a breath and slouching as he sat. “Come over later and fetch them. I’ll pack some things up so they’re ready.”
“Excellent,” his mum said. “I knew you’d make the right decision, dear.”
They said goodbye and hung up. Nick sagged even more. He wasn’t sure if he was making the right decision at all.