Chapter 18
The irony was not loston me. For months, I was lost to my family—I refused to come home because I thought the man I loved was dead. Then, in some sick twist of fate, I find he survived—only to kill him myself.
“Carmela,” My sister’s voice jerked me from the barrage of thoughts threatening to tug me under. “You need to eat something.”
“I’m not hungry.” I glanced up at my twin and blinked back the tears.
It’d been six weeks since I’d been brought home from Columbia—two weeks since I’d plunged the blade into the man I loved. The entire time I spent hunting Lipovsky, a blade had been my savior. Now, it was my punishment. A symbol of what I’d lost. Alex lay in a hospital bed as good as dead. And it was my fault.
“Please, Carm. You have to eat something. If you don’t, you could?—”
I held up my hand, silencing her. I didn’t want to hear her say it. As far as I was concerned, I deserved death. I didn’t deserve to have a life without him. And I certainly didn’t deserve what he’d left me with.
“I can’t Celestina. Please… I’m not ready to face it right now. I’m the reason he’s as good as dead.”
“But he’s not, Carmela. Alex is alive.”
“You call that living?” I scoffed. “He’s lying in a fucking bed with tubes hooked up to him. How can you call that being alive?” I stood and tugged at my hair in frustration.
Celestina stepped into my space and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Until they say otherwise, Alex is alive. And if he were here right now, he’d be furious that you weren’t taking care of the things that should be important.”
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it.” I jerked out of her hold. “I’ll be in his room.”
I carefully made my way down the steps into the room my brother had transformed for Michael. When Michael was found, he had been brutally beaten into a coma—a stark, horrifying reality that had forced us to bring him home. Here, in this makeshift hospital room, he received round-the-clock care from professionals. The room, equipped with the necessary medical supplies and monitors, echoed with the faint beeps and whirrs of machinery, a constant reminder of his fragile state. Falcon lifted his head and gave me a weary look.
“I know, buddy. I miss him, too.”
I was grateful Alex was here, under this close, personal care, rather than in the sterile, impersonal environment of a hospital. The thought gave me a measure of comfort as I stepped further into the room, the familiar setting wrapping around me like a somber embrace. Pulling a chair up to his bed, I sat down and blew out a breath. Twirling my hair between my fingers, I stared at his still frame.
“I cut my hair. I needed a change. It reminded me of all the shit I’ve been through. It was like a weight bearing down on me. Harlen called me. He is struggling with guilt for what happened in the compound. He’s also worried that when you wake up, you’re going to put a bullet in his head.” I wiped the tears falling down my cheeks and rubbed the scruff of Falcon’s neck. “I think my family is cursed. Every one of us has nearly lost the love of our life—maybe it’s best if I walk away from you. I bring nothing but death to you.” Falcon let out a whine, signaling his disagreement.
I grabbed Alex’s hand and gently laced our fingers together, the simple touch a small anchor in the tumult of emotions swirling inside me.
“It’s probably the right thing to do, but I can’t. Not now… especially not now,” I confessed, the weight of my decision pressing heavily upon my chest. My thumb traced soothing circles on his skin, a small comfort in the shadow of our grim reality. “Falcon won’t leave your side, Alex. He’s a beautiful dog and loyal. He nearly ripped off my arm the first time I tried to hold your hand.” I looked to where our fingers were joined.
“Harlen told me I’d been doped up more than once that day,” I continued, the words spilling out with a mixture of regret and relief. “He was hoping I’d forgotten the things I did to keep us alive, but I have flashes of memories that tell me it happened.” The admission hung in the air between us, a testament to the dark lengths we had gone to, the fragments of those hours playing back in brief, haunting glimpses that refused to be silenced.
As I held his hand, I found myself sharing the whirlwind of family life that had embraced me since my return.
“I’ve gotten to know my nieces and nephews—there’s a lot of them. It was overwhelming at first, but now, I’m so thankful I’m here with them.” The warmth in my voice reflected the joy they brought into my life, a stark contrast to the darker days we had endured.
“My parents have been great, too. They keep begging me to come to Italy with them, but I can’t leave you.” I took a slight pause. “My Nonna understands, though. She agreed that my place is beside you.” Nonna’s understanding comforted me, as I knew that someone recognized the importance of my choice.
“Did you know that Massimo and Madison eloped? They were afraid Nonna would be pissed, but she forgave them the minute she held Sebastian and Luca in her arms. They’re the cutest boys I’ve ever seen, but don’t tell Celestina that.” A chuckle escaped me. “Her boys are cute, but they’re still so tiny it’s hard to tell who they look like.
“Can you believe there are three sets of twins in the family? First Vincenzo, then Massimo, and Celestina… it’s amazing.” My voice matched the amazement at such a family phenomenon. Closing my eyes, I tried to envision having twins myself. The thought made me shudder slightly. “I can’t imagine having one, let alone two.” The idea felt overwhelming.
“How’s he doing?” The familiar voice coaxed my eyes to fly open.
“No change,” I answered, peering over at the still form in the bed.
With a gentle click, Massimo eased the door closed and claimed the chair at the bed’s foot. His gaze flicked to Falcon, then lingered on Alex before finding its way to me.
“And you? How’re you holding up?”
I snorted, a bitter edge to my chuckle. “How do you think?” I said, feeling the warmth of Alex’s hand beneath mine, a stark contrast to the cold grip of fear in my stomach. “I wish I’d died in that wreck.”
He shook his head, his eyes dimming with concern. “Don’t talk like that.” Leaning in, he bridged the distance between us. “Carmela, I know this is hard for you, but death was never an option for you. Not then… and not now.”
I blinked back the sting of tears. “Feels like I’m halfway to nowhere without him, Massimo.”
He gave a slight nod, a silent acknowledgment of shared pain. “I get that, too.”
“Do you get it, though? What if it was you staring down at Madison in this bed because of your call? That’s me with Alex. I’m the reason we’re here. And for what? Just so another viper can slither up from the shadows?”
Massimo’s gaze didn’t waver, but the air between us thickened with the weight of what went unsaid. Our return home had been darkened by an unsigned letter that found its way to Massimo’s hands. Its words had been stark and ominous—one threat had fallen, only to have another rise from the fallout. We’d thrown ourselves into the fire to save seven women, yet so many more remained chained in that inferno. I closed my eyes, pushing out a breath teeming with frustration.
“How are Madison and the kids doing, by the way?”
The sound of his tongue clicking was a sharp rebuke. “Dodging the issue won’t clear the fog, Carmela. You think we haven’t noticed? You’re holed up in here, and even when you do step out, you’re miles away. We’re worried about you.” His voice held a firm edge of concern, a lifeline thrown in the stillness of the hospital room.
“What exactly are you asking of me, Massimo?” I shook my head, a futile attempt to dislodge the despair. “I can’t— won’t leave his side. And you… you need to brace yourself because if he doesn’t pull through, I won’t live in a world he’s not in.”
Massimo opened his mouth, no doubt to mention the very thing I had barred from my thoughts. I held up my hand.
“Just… don’t.” The world spun slightly as I pressed my eyelids together, taking in lungfuls of sterile air, fighting the acid threat of panic. “I just can’t.”
“You have to, Carmela. You can’t hide from it forever.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn’t think about it without him. I wouldn’t. It was a reminder of everything I didn’t deserve. “The doctor is coming by today. I’m not sure why, though. Nothing has changed since yesterday.”
A knock at the door made me turn my head in time to see Dr. Luchasi step through.
“How’s the patient?”
I cut my eyes to him. “The same as yesterday.”
He nodded, stepping up to the bed. “I got the test results back and wanted to talk to you about what to expect.” I gripped Alex’s hand in mine as he spoke. “As you know, we removed his spleen and repaired a portion of his bowel.”
Drugs do crazy things to people. I was living proof of that. Out of mind, I thought Alex was one of the men trying to take me again, and in a moment of haze, I drove the blade I’d taken off Andrei into Alex’s gut. It tore through his flesh like it was butter. Only I didn’t know what that one moment in time had cost me.
“He lost a lot of blood before arriving at the hospital, Carmela.”
His words were short but filled with so much meaning. “He’s not going to wake up, is he?”
Dr. Luchasi glanced over at Massimo, and they exchanged silent words.
“We don’t know, Carmela. His brain scans indicate there was no damage, but the lack of him waking up after this long is concerning, and we have to prepare for the possibility he won’t come out of this.”
I pushed to my feet and glanced around the room, my eyes finally landing on the man that I loved more than my next breath.
“I did this. His life is reduced to being in that bed. He deserves something better… something that’s not me.” I spun on my heel and tore out of the room.
Massimo called after me as I took the stairs two at a time. Antonio, Michael, and Rachel stood in the living room, watching Michelangelo play on the floor. I sped past them and burst out the front door. Tilting my head up to the sky, I closed my eyes and inhaled. Slipping my phone from my pants, I closed my eyes.
He deserved better. They all did. As my thumb hovered over the contacts, it paused on the icon of the one person who’d yanked me from the edge once already. I tapped the screen, lifting the phone to my ear.
The heaviness in my voice carried through the line. “I can’t be here anymore.”
The reply was a muffled grunt. “Why?”
“It’s on me—all of it. He’s not coming back, and I-I just can’t stand being here when I’m reminded of that every second. Can I crash with you for a while?”
“Of course.” The response was immediate. “You still remember the way?”
A wry smile flickered across my face, a brief respite from the engulfing grief. “Yep. Can’t believe you stuck around in Vegas.”
“It’s where she is, so I’m here to stay.”
The revelation that his daughter hadn’t been at the compound but had been one of the first rescued in Columbia was still fresh. She was now getting the help she needed, thanks to Lorenzo’s quick actions. The pieces of the past had only recently clicked into place. With a heavy heart, I slipped the phone into my pocket and moved toward my car.
“You’re not just running away, are you?” a voice called out, tinged with concern.
My hand found the cool metal of the driver’s side door, pressing flat against it, seeking some grounding.
“If I go, maybe that’s what he needs. All I’ve brought him is suffering.”
“And what about the pain he’ll feel, waking up to find you’ve vanished once more?” Antonio’s voice cut through my resolve.
Spinning around, I found Antonio descending the stairs, his eyes a mix of empathy and realism.
“I’m not disappearing for good. I just need a breather at Harlen’s. Staying here, knowing I’m the cause of all this…” My voice trailed off.
“Sometimes a step back gives you the space to face what you’re dodging,” he suggested. His voice followed me as I pulled the door ajar. “This family doesn’t do anything in half-measures. We go about shit backward, but in the end, it’s worth everything.”
With the door open and my resolve wobbling, I shot back, “I’ll call. I promise.” And with that, I stepped into the refuge of my car, leaving the weight of my decisions on the doorstep.