Fractured Devotion (Anastasi Family Syndicate)

Chapter 20

Shadows clungto the corners of the room, mirroring the depths of my heartache. My hand hovered over where life had once sparked beneath my skin, where there had been the fluttering promise of new beginnings, where now lay a void filled with anguish. The consolations from my family, their attempts to reach me, were lost in the chasm of my own making. They didn’t know the weight of guilt that suffocated me, guilt so inescapable, it seemed to bleed into my very being. Out of fear, I had refused to embrace the life growing inside me, a life that might have been a lasting piece of Alex—a reminder of love, not loss.

Alex was still lying unconscious, and as more days passed, the outlook of him waking up grew smaller and smaller. It wasn’t until I collapsed on Harlen’s kitchen floor, bleeding out, that I realized how stupid I had been. If I lost him, at least I would have had a piece of him. Now, I had nothing. I wanted to curl in on myself and never wake up—death would be easier than living with this unbearable pain. The things I did to survive etched a black mark on my soul that I’d never be rid of.

When I first showed up at Harlen’s house, he stared at me for several long minutes before pulling me into his embrace. He promised to help me get through the darkness, and for a few days, I believed him. The look of pure terror on his face when he found me lying in a pool of my own blood was almost as bad as seeing the man I love in a coma.

“Don’t you think you’ve been in this room long enough?” Harlen’s voice washed over me. He was standing in the doorway, bathed in light from the hallway. “You can’t live like this. You fought through hell and came out alive. To give up now… it just doesn’t make sense. You’re more than this pain, more than what happened to you.” His words, an offering of hope, lingered in the darkened room, waiting to be taken.

“I can’t, Harlen. I’ve lost everything, and being around my family, seeing the things I won’t have, hurts too much. I should have died in Columbia.”

“And then what?” Harlen grunted. “The rest of us would get over your death? That’s selfish, Carmela. You have people who love you. People who would do anything for you.”

“I don’t want to be their burden. As it is, I’m a burden on you. I can’t do that to them. They have their families to worry about.”

Harlen stood like a sentinel in the doorframe. “Well, if you won’t listen to me, maybe you’ll listen to him.” He stepped aside, revealing an apparition.

“What about me? Do you honestly think I’d get over your death?”

“Alex?” I pushed myself to a sitting position.

He stepped inside the room and closed the door, bathing the room in darkness again. The click of the lamp beside my bed filled the room as it was illuminated in soft light. Blinking my eyes in confusion, I stared at him.

“How are you here?”

“Finally decided nap time was over.” He smiled, making my heart beat as if it had been electrified. “Carmela, you can’t honestly believe your death would have been easier. Not to mention, giving up isn’t like you.”

I perched on the edge of the bed, my eyes a clamor of emotions that I’d barricaded behind a dam I could feel was about to break. The past, with its sharp edges and shadowy corners, loomed over us, an unspoken entity filling the space with heavy air.

Alex broke the silence.

“I know there are things we’ve both wished never happened, the kind of things that seem to taint our souls and leave us questioning if we’ll ever be whole again.”

My gaze lifted, meeting his. My voice was a whisper as I spoke. “The kidnapping… what I did to survive… it changed me. And losing our… our baby,”—my voice cracked on the last word—“it feels like I’m continuously drowning.”

“I know, baby.” Alex reached across the void, his hand finding mine. “I know the depth of that darkness,” he said, his thumb tracing circles on my skin. “But remember this… our love, it’s been tested by fire, by loss, by choices made in moments where survival was the only thought. And yet, here we are, together.”

“But how can we move past this?” Tears welled up in my eyes, each one a silent testament to the tragedies we shared. “How do we… how do I live with this?”

“We face it together.” Alex’s grip tightened, not just on my hand but on the future he was determined to rebuild for us. “Every demon, every shadow from that past, we confront it, not alone but side by side. Your actions were about surviving, and that’s not something you should ever apologize for. Not then… and not now, Carmela.” He cupped my cheek. “Our love doesn’t stop, Carmela. It’s a force that nothing can extinguish, not distance, not time, not even the cruel twists of fate.”

“But how do I forgive myself?” I leaned into his touch, allowing myself to feel the full force of his support.

“By accepting that forgiveness isn’t a solitary journey. I am with you through every step, every breath. You’re not alone, baby. Our bond… it’s unbreakable, forged in the very fire you fear,” Alex said, pulling me into his arms.

“I love you, Alex. I never stopped. And when I thought I killed you… I killed a part of myself. I’m so sorry for what I did. Can you forgive me?”

“Carmela,” Alex’s voice was tender, carrying a weight that immediately had me looking at him. His eyes held mine, and in them, I saw the flicker of a future I thought had been snuffed out. He framed my face with his hands. “There is nothing to forgive, Carmela. What happened is in the past. I want you to be my wife. It’s not just words, not just a dream. I’m going to put a ring on that beautiful finger of yours, and I’ll make damn sure it’s a circle that symbolizes no end to what we have.”

The dim glow of the bedside lamp cast a warm hue over the room, painting Alex’s determined expression with soft light as he spoke. His eyes, filled with a storm of emotions, were fixed on mine, steady and sure.

“We’ve been through the unimaginable, but we’ve come out stronger. We’re survivors, you and me. And we will have a family, Carmela. I know the pain of our loss is still raw, but I believe in a future where we can have that again.” Alex’s hand cradled my cheek, his thumb brushing away a tear that had escaped my control.

“The future is ours, baby. And nothing will stand in the way of the life we deserve together. This, I promise you.”

I looked into his eyes, and I saw not just the pain we’d endured but the unwavering strength that had carried us through the darkest of days.

“I believe you, Alex.”

His lips were soft against mine, a whisper of a kiss that spoke volumes more than words ever could. As he pulled back, the earnestness in his eyes told me he was laying his soul bare, promising a future filled with hope.

He stood then, a symbol of moving forward, his hand outstretched to me.

“Let’s step outside these walls and join your family. They love you, Carmela, just as fiercely as I do, and they want the same thing I do.”

“What that?” I found myself asking, the uncertainty clear in my voice.

“Your happiness,” he said simply, his hand still waiting for mine.

With a tentative trust, I placed my palm in his, feeling the strength of his grip as he pulled me up.

“But what if they can’t forgive me?” The fear of judgment, of not being welcomed back, weighed heavily on my heart.

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he assured me, the firmness in his voice trying to banish my doubts. “They just want their sister back.”

As I hesitated, a need to confess bubbled to the surface.

“Alex, there’s something about Harlen… something that happened at the compound…”

He stopped me with a look, his resolve evident. “I don’t need to know the details, Carmela. What you did to survive, it’s not for me to judge. It doesn’t change a thing between us.”

I could see the tension in his jaw, the protective instinct flaring, but I continued.

“Harlen never saw me differently. He said we’d never speak of it again, that it was just something we did to stay alive.”

“There it is, then.” Alex gave a curt nod, his hand tugging mine gently. “We leave it in the past, where it belongs. We’re here, now, together. That’s all that matters. Are you ready to take that step?”

I wasn’t sure if I was, but with Alex, I felt the courage to face anything.

“Yes,” I whispered, letting him lead me toward the door, toward healing, toward home. With Alex by my side, I could face the world.