Free

Chapter 28

TWENTY-EIGHT

Nick

Sunshine sniffs me incessantly as I stand on my porch, unlocking the door. My pants. My hands. What story does she unravel from the scents of the fire, the ocean, my family, Charlie?

And if she can unravel it, good on her. I’m still trying to make sense of it myself. I spent the rest of the evening with my arm around Charlie and the entire drive home with my mind on her.

I want you.

Then take me.

I flick on a few lights, the quiet of the house pressing in like it always does after a night with people. After a night with her.

What would have happened if Sunshine hadn’t interrupted us on the beach? I know the answer, of course. I would’ve taken Charlie home, kissed her until neither of us could think, let the walls fall completely, and then… Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? And then what?

I toss my jacket over a chair and head for the shower. The water is hot, doing nothing to cool the heat still simmering under my skin. If anything, it makes me think of her—the warmth of her body against mine, her soft laugh, the way she whispered, Then take me, like she wasn’t afraid of what that might mean.

By the time I step out of the bathroom, my thoughts are no clearer. I dry off, pull on a pair of sweats, and grab my phone from the nightstand. Before I can overthink it, I shoot her a text.

Get home safely?

Charlie

Yep

All tucked into bed

The image that brings to mind is gasoline to the fire of my longing. I hesitate for a moment, my thumb hovering over the keyboard, then type out another message.

Wish I was there with you

It’s the truth. As much as I’ve tried to keep my distance, to convince myself that we should just be friends, every instinct I have is pulling me toward her. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye tonight. I’m not ready now.

Her response comes quickly.

Wow. You don’t do shades of gray at all

I am a man of extremes

But I don’t see how it applies here

I’m just saying, you kissed me at your house, then ghosted for a week

Then kissed me again at the beach, now you’re trying to get into bed with me…

From one extreme to another

I huff an oh-shit laugh. As much as I’d like to get into bed with Charlie—as much as I’ve wanted that for years now—I actually wasn’t thinking along those lines. Not tonight. Though there’s no way in hell she’ll believe me.

First, I meant I miss you and had a nice time at the bonfire and wasn’t ready to go our separate ways

And second?

I hesitate, but only briefly, then go ahead and hit her with a dose of honesty.

Now that you mention it, climbing into bed with you wouldn’t be a bad thing

Yup. Definitely skipping a few shades of gray

Sunshine jumps onto the bed and drops her head into my lap. I stroke her fur and smile gently, the back and forth with Charlie feeling as natural as it always has. She and I click together like we were made for each other. Like two halves of a whole.

I wish I hadn’t pushed us apart.

I wish I hadn’t spent so long without her.

Leaning back on my pillow, I tap out a text and hit send before I lose the nerve.

I owe you an apology

For skipping the gray? Come on. I feel like, after everything we’ve shared with each other, I pretty much know what to expect with you

Although…

A lot has changed in the last year so…

That’s what I need to apologize for

Or at least explain

Charlie

I sit up in bed, my heart pounding as the glare from the phone screen illuminates my face like a spotlight. Nick wants to apologize? To explain? I’m shocked speechless, something that’s been happening more and more lately. I watch the bouncing bubbles that mean he’s typing a message, my heart and stomach bouncing along in time.

Nick

After the accident, before I’d been located, I don’t remember a lot of what happened to me

What I do remember is you

Talking to you in my head, promising I’d make it home to you

You were the only thing keeping me sane

You, Charlie

The air leaves my lungs in a rush, my hand flying to my mouth as tears sting my eyes. This is the closest Nick has come to talking about what happened to him during that week—seven days of hell, where no one knew if he was alive or dead. I clutch the phone tighter, waiting as the bubbles reappear.

But when I finally made it back, everything felt broken

They told me I wouldn’t return to active duty

That I’d have to rebuild myself, my life, everything

And when you came to see me at the hospital, you were ready to stick around for all of it

But I couldn’t see a version of me that wasn’t a ghost of the man I used to be

I didn’t want you stuck with that ghost

I loved you too much for that

I swipe at tears shimmering in my vision and put myself into his shoes. My heart breaks for him all over again.

I understand all that. I do. And thank you for talking to me about it

But, with all the respect in the world, that wasn’t your decision to make

I was trying to protect you

I knew if I explained that you wouldn’t listen

Maybe I wouldn’t have

But at least I would have understood

The line between anger and understanding is so thin, I can barely see it. My chest aches with the weight of what we’ve been through, of everything that’s been left unsaid.

I’m sorry, Charlie. So very sorry. I should have been honest with you then. To make up for it, I’m going to be honest with you now

The little bubbles reappear, and my heart pounds in anticipation.

The hot and cold, the extremes, the lack of gray? It’s because not one day has gone by without me thinking of you and I’m still trying to protect you from me

After Davis, you need time to heal

Not someone else fucking with your heart

I’m fighting myself every step of the way here

I just want to be with you, but my timing, as usual, sucks

My tears flow in earnest now. I close my eyes and lift my face to the sky, awash in memories of what we had, how he looked in the hospital, his firm hand on my back the day he rescued me from Davis. I’ve been so angry with him. So hurt. So confused by his choices and he’s right. The timing is wrong. Garrett said it, too-broken plus too-soon isn’t the best setup for happily-ever-after.

But Mom is right too, our biggest challenges become our greatest blessings.

With my heart thumping, I respond.

What if I don’t want you to fight yourself?

Come again?

What if the timing doesn’t suck?

Asking more questions won’t help me understand your first one

What if the timing is perfect? What if we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be? What if everything we’ve gone through has brought us to this moment?

Then I’d say have dinner with me tomorrow night

My place

I’ll cook

After we make plans for tomorrow, I set the phone down and stare at the ceiling, my heart thudding in anticipation. Whatever happens next, one thing is clear: I’m done pretending there’s nothing left between us.